Baddest of the Bands Responses (The Track)

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"I think I'll just back away slowly and leave you to your various miseries."
Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People has many responses when you talk to various characters and interact with various objects. These are the responses from The Track in Baddest of the Bands.

On these pages, A → B (right arrow) means that the response happens when object A is used on thing B, or in the case of talking to other characters, the indicated sequence of chat topic icons are chosen.

A short horizontal line between two or more responses, such as the one above, means only one of the responses is heard at a time, and that the action results in a different response each time it occurs.


On Entering

If holding the concession stand alarm
STRONG BAD: I wonder if Bubs'll be able to hear his alarm way out here?


While Coach Z is present
STRONG BAD: Hmmm... industrial-strength bleach. This might come in handy.
COACH Z: Don't touch that! I'll be needing it later to clean out my urinals!
While Coach Z is absent
STRONG BAD: {Takes the bleach, and reads off the label} "Warning: this bleach is caustic, vile and dangerous. Always handle with protective gloves and headgear, or severe bleaching, poisoning, and other not-good side-effects may result." {Puts the bleach away} Wow! Caustic, vile, gloves, headgear — it's like this stuff was made for me!

Coach Z

COACH Z: Oh, hey there, Strong Bad.

At intervals when in the scene

COACH Z: Oh, Marzipan.

COACH Z: Mrs. Marzipan Z

COACH Z: Wherefore art thorr, Marzipan?

In extended play

STRONG BAD: Tired of trying to make things work as the "One-O-Uno?"
COACH Z: Aw, Bubs'll be back. He loves me like a brother.
BUBS: You shut yer face!
COACH Z: Hates me like a brother too!

COACH Z: Ahh, whud I do?

COACH Z: Let's see here... {rapping} Coach Z... good teeth... lady somethin'... roast beef...

Coach Z → Coach Z

STRONG BAD: {Long panning shot showing the Coach Z stamp all over objects, the walls... and the ceiling} I gotta say, Coach, I really hate what you've done with the place.
COACH Z: Step orf, Strong Bad. I've found stamping my name on everything helps keep my mind off more important matters. {Sadly} Like unrequited love. {Sighs}

STRONG BAD: Are you done treating your locker room like a seven-year-old nerd's underwear?
COACH Z: Not yet! I've still gotta to the urinal cakes, the shower cakes, and the cup cakes!
STRONG BAD: Ooh, cup cakes! Oh, wait.

Coach Z → Marzipan

{First time only}
STRONG BAD: What's with all the sighing about Marzipan?
COACH Z: {Wistfully} Oh, Marzipan. My little baseball bat in a dress.

STRONG BAD: If you're so into Marzipan, why not tell her how you feel? I love watching train wrecks.
COACH Z: I'm too afraid she'll reject me! If only she'd give me a sign...
STRONG BAD: {Pondering} A sign, eh?

Coach Z → Two-O-Duo

{First time only}
STRONG BAD: You ever think about getting together with Bubs for a Two-O-Duo reunion?
COACH Z: I used to, but ever since we broke up, Bubs thinks I've gone soft! Plus, right now I'm too depressed about other things... Marzipan, Marzipan... {sighs}

STRONG BAD: So, Bubs is dead-set against a Two-O-Duo reunion?
COACH Z: Yup. Unless I suddenly get Marzipan out of my head, and re-establish my street-cred.

Coach Z → Cancel

STRONG BAD: {Backing away} I think I'll just back away slowly and leave you to your various miseries.
COACH Z: {Sighs miserably}

STRONG BAD: Well, this has been unsettling, but I've got a concert to put together.
COACH Z: I remember when I used to perform in concerts. {Sighs}

Alarm → Coach Z

STRONG BAD: Psst, Coach Z! Wanna buy a cool burglar alarm that fell off the back of Bubs' truck?
COACH Z: No way, Strong Bad! The only hot item I'm after these days has long blonde hair and an upside-down wineglass figure.

Contest Entry Forms → Coach Z

{Same effect as Coach Z → Two-O-Duo}

Glossy → Coach Z

If unsigned
STRONG BAD: Hey Coach, I got you something! {Pulls out the glossy}
COACH Z: {Takes the glossy} Oh, it's another picture of Marzipan! I'll just store it with all the others. Maybe someday I'll get the nerve to ask her to autograph one of these things.
If signed with someone else's name
STRONG BAD: Hey Coach Z, check this out! {Pulls out the glossy}
COACH Z: {Depressingly} Oh, it's my true lorv. But she's given her heart to somebody else... {Wails}
{Strong Bad puts the glossy away again}
If signed with Coach Z's name
STRONG BAD: {In a sing-song voice} Hey Coach, I got you something!
COACH Z: Can't you see I'm obsessin' and compulsin' over here?
{Strong Bad pulls out the glossy, which Coach Z takes}
COACH Z: {Reading} "To Coach Z, all my best, Marzipan." Y'hear that? All her best! That constitutes a legal marriage in some shady countries!
STRONG BAD: You'd better get over there, Don Joo-wahn, before she down grades to some of her best.
COACH Z: Good point! Thanks, Strong Bad. {Leaves}

Coach Z's Door

While Coach Z is present
{Strong Bad opens the door}
COACH Z: Hey! Quit messing with my office! {pronounces like orifice}
STRONG BAD: Eww. Please never say that again. {Closes the door}

{Strong Bad opens the door}
COACH Z: Stay away from my gymnastical unmentionables!
{Strong Bad closes the door and backs away}
While Coach Z is absent
{First time only}
STRONG BAD: I wonder how Coach Z's mound of unwashed socks and crusty jocks is doing. {Opens the door and goes in, then comes out slowly} Uh, I think it just waved at me.

STRONG BAD: {Opens the door, looks in, and closes it again} The mound just asked me for a dollar.

Alarm → Coach Z's Door

{Note, this will also occur when just clicking on Coach Z's door while Strong Bad has the alarm, and Coach Z is absent}
STRONG BAD: Time to gird your nasal loins, nose. We're goin' in! {Opens the door and goes in} Hmm, I wonder what this does?
BUBTRONIC: {Alarm goes off} Homing beacon activated! Sit your butt down until the authorities arive! {Repeats, as Strong Bad hides in the shower room, and Bubs enters through the door}
BUBS: Aha! I knew it would be worth the extra five bucks to put a homing beacon on my robot. {Enters Coach Z's office} What in the name of all that's sold in bulk? {Alarm stops. Bubs comes out holding it.} I don't believe it! Coach Z stealing from my own dang store, just like we used to rhyme about back in the old days.
If this is the first or second of Bubs' three criteria to be met
BUBS: I didn't think MC Green Beans still had it in him, but it's gonna take a lot more than Grand Theft Roboto to convince me that he's hardcore again. In fact-- {Pauses} Hey, who the heck am I talking to, anyway? Stupid jock strap fumes making me talk to myself... {Leaves}
STRONG BAD: My frame job is working! I'll have Coach Z's street-cred restored in no time!
If this is the third of Bubs' three criteria to be met
BUBS: I guess that old green pole's still got it the flava, after all. {Raps} I may be soft 'round the middle, but I'm still hardcore, we're stealing stuff from my own dang store. {Leaves}
STRONG BAD: Finally! Maybe now I can get the Two-O-Duo to reunite for my concert!


STRONG BAD: Well, well, well. So we meet again, Mister Wire Hanger. Not so high-and-mighty now, are we? {Enters the shower room and takes the hanger}

Left-hand Locker

{First time only}
STRONG BAD: {Opens the locker and finds a Cool Tapes poster. In a disinterested voice} Oh, joy. It's a poster from the Cool Tapes' last tour.

Shower Room

While Coach Z is present
STRONG BAD: {Pleading voice} Coach, your showers still smell like Homestar Onion Soup! Don't you ever clean these things?
COACH Z: But the CDC was just here six months ago to give 'em their mandatory bleach-down.
While Coach Z is absent
STRONG BAD: I won't use these showers unless there's some sort of national emergency... or a saucy "women in prison" movie being filmed.

Trophy Case

While Coach Z is present
STRONG BAD: What happened to all the pointless trophies?
COACH Z: Pointless? Gold-painted plastic trophies are a lasting symbol of parents forcing their kids to play sport... and I sold 'em for two bucks.
{Strong Bad shakes his head}
While Coach Z is absent
STRONG BAD: Coach Z should put a lock on this thing some day. Or some glass.

Toilet Paper

While Coach Z is present
{First time only. Strong Bad takes a roll}
COACH Z: Get your hands off my terlet papes!
STRONG BAD: Hey, I don't see YOUR name on it. {Looks at it and sees the Z stamp} Waitaminute, I DO see your name on it.
COACH Z: Rappers are always putting their names on their necklaces and teeth and jeweled crunk goblets, so I figured why can't a fella put his name on his own tukus paper?
STRONG BAD: Wow. You are a true baller, Coach Z. {Puts the roll back}

STRONG BAD: {Takes a roll} So, could I borrow a roll of your Property of Coach Z toilet paper?
COACH Z: No way! I've got big plans for these babies!
STRONG BAD: You stop talking now! {Hurriedly puts the roll back}
While Coach Z is absent
STRONG BAD: {Takes a roll} Don't worry, my little rolls of marginally-absorbent toilet paper. Papa Strong Bad will save you from Coach Z's unspeakable gluteal regions. {Puts the roll away}

Toilet Paper Crate

{First time only}
STRONG BAD: {Reading} "Colonel Rockbottom's half-ply toilet tissue - two gross." More like "too nasty."
COACH Z: The Colonel and I just had an "audience" about an hour ago. He gave me a medal of honor!

STRONG BAD: "You Don't Hit Rockbottom, Rockbottom Hits YOU!" Ouch, man.
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