Disk 4 of 12 - FriendlyWare

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(Adding explanations to speedlonging)
(that makes it seem like those are the only speedrunning categories. What about RBO? What about North Korea%? What about 96 Exit? What about Fabrosi?)
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'''STRONG BAD:''' ''{voiceover}'' There we are! It's me and The Cheat! Standing dangerously in front of that giant cannon! ''{singing to "Anchors Aweigh"}'' Doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doh dah dah! Oh man. Strong Bad and The Cheat sailing the three-layered alphabetical seas in the S.S. Totalbelow.
'''STRONG BAD:''' ''{voiceover}'' There we are! It's me and The Cheat! Standing dangerously in front of that giant cannon! ''{singing to "Anchors Aweigh"}'' Doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doh dah dah! Oh man. Strong Bad and The Cheat sailing the three-layered alphabetical seas in the S.S. Totalbelow.
''{Zoom out to a view of Strong Bad's monitor.}''
''{Zoom out to a view of Strong Bad's monitor.}''
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**Said games have also made appearances in [[Floppy Disk Container|Strong Bad's floppy disk container]].
**Said games have also made appearances in [[Floppy Disk Container|Strong Bad's floppy disk container]].
*The live-action floppy disks in the intro bear the logo of {{wp|Elephant Memory Systems}}.
*The live-action floppy disks in the intro bear the logo of {{wp|Elephant Memory Systems}}.
*Hallrunner Speedlong Runplay - 16 HOURS! DENNIS% is a reference to speedrunning. DENNIS% is reference to categories of speedrunning, those being Any%, 100%, and Lowest.
*"Hallrunner Speedlong Runplay - 16 HOURS! DENNIS%" is a reference to speedrunning. DENNIS% references categories of speedrunning often ending with percent signs, such as Any%, 100%, or Low%.

Revision as of 17:14, 6 March 2021

Toon Category: Video Stuff
watch No-Stalgia Peasant's Quest Movie Trailer
"This game, oh man, it's the greatest game!"

In the first official installment of Strong Bad's Disk 4 of 12, Strong Bad takes a look at the FriendlyWare PC Introductory Set.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, D n' D Greg, Sci-Fi Greg, Open Source Greg, Japanese Culture Greg, Homestar Runner, What's Her Face, BASICA

Places: Computer Room, The Show

Date: Friday, February 12, 2021

Running Time: 14:00

Page Title: Turkey Farm Dreams!



{A live-action case filled with 5 inch floppies sits on a desk next to an old computer. The disk in the front has a handwritten label reading "Disk 4 of 12". Strong Bad's gloves reach into the shot, open the case and begin rifling through the contents.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} When I check my email,

{Strong Bad holds up a disk labeled "Old Game".}

STRONG BAD: —there are some old games.

{Strong Bad inserts the disk into a disk drive and then types on a keyboard with boxing gloves on.}

STRONG BAD: Now I'm gonna play them for you.

{The monitor comes to life, showing a screen reading "Strong Bad's Disk 4 of 12". A disk reading noise plays.}

{Fade into a shot of Strong Bad's desk, zooming in on the container of floppy disks, the frontmost one reading "friendly ware".}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} This episode's game comes from sbemail 65: unused emails. And this game, oh man, it's the greatest game!

{Cut to live-action. Strong Bad's gloves display the game's case, which is a small, white, 3-ring binder containing 3 diskettes and some legal and instructional papers.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} The FriendlyWare P.C. Introductory Set was a series of games and... productivity... programs?

{Cut to a shot of the computer, which displays a blank screen.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} —that were made to introduce the early-1980's family—

{The screen displays the family from QWERTY.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} —to their new personal computer.

{Cut back to the case.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Let's take a look here.

{Strong Bad flips the contents of the case to the instructional sheet at the front.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Whoa! Look at—

{Cut to a close-up of the sheet, which has illustrations of the oversized Control, Alt, and Period/Delete keys.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} the size of those Control-Alt-Delete keys! Those things look like... family sedans!

{The illustration of the Alt key grows four wheels and drives out of frame, complete with exhaust smoke, screeching sounds, and tire marks left behind on the sheet. Cut to black, then to a red curtain which parts to reveal the previously seen keyboard keys with Ctrl, Alt, and Del (with period) on top on them. The keys have crude drawings on them to make them resemble vehicles. "Ctrl" is being driven by a crude drawing of Marzipan, "Alt" is occupied by several faces, and "Del" contains Perducci, as well as Strong Mad's disembodied face. "New for 1981" fades into the bottom left.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Introducing the complete fleet of 1981 keyboard {lighted The-Show-style orange sign reading "FAMILY SEDANS" slides in from top} family sedans.

{Cut to a closeup of the Ctrl car, panning up and right. A red burst reading "16 Ashtrays!" spins into the top right.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} The Control, for moms on the go.

{Cut to a closeup of the Alt car, panning up and left. A red burst reading "Optional Seat'belt'" spins into the top left.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} The Alt, for big families.

{Cut to a closeup of the Del car, zooming in. A red burst reading "Body already in trunk!" spins into the bottom left.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} And for the shady businessman, the Delete.

{Fade out, cut back to Strong Bad attempting to flip through the instructional sheet, but failing due to his boxing gloves.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Let's see, what else we got in here? Oh yeah, I gotta call out this specific passage. This is amazing:

{Cut to a closeup of the instructional sheet, with the paragraph Strong Bad reads being highlighted and zooming in.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Whereas the great majority of microcomputers have a total addressable memory of 64k or less, the PC's attainable range of addressable memory is theoretically {text bulges out as he reads it} nearly 1 Megabyte. {stops reading} Can't you just see a bunch of bearded Palo Alto types sittin' around with pipes?

{Cut to a 4 Gregs scenario with the Gregs all with beards and pipes. D n' D Greg is sitting on a chair with "d n' d greg (early adopter)" on his shirt, Sci-Fi Greg sitting on the ground with "same old greg" on his shirt, Open Source Greg standing twirling his pipe with "GNU project greg" on his shirt, and Japanese Culture Greg standing with bubbles coming out of his pipe with "mostly just starblazers greg at this point" on his shirt.}

OPEN SOURCE GREG: Uh, gentlemen, the data is there! {raising his pipe} We WILL reach 1 megabyte by century's end!

{D n' D Greg is crushed by a monitor with a built-in floppy disk drive, with (A)BORT! written above. Sci-Fi Greg is crushed by a larger monitor without a drive, (R)ETRY! written above. Open Source Greg is not crushed by anything, instead gaining a shocked expression, (i)GNORE! written above. Japanese Culture Greg is crushed by a large tower with a reel-to-reel tape recorder built in, (F)AiL! written above, which later changes to (C)RASH!.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Abort! Retry! Ignore! Fail! Or crash, sometimes.

{Cut to Strong Bad closing the instructional sheet.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} All right, let's check this game out! Please insert disk 4 of 12.

{Cut to black, disk reading sound is heard. Cut to the title screen saying "WELCOME TO", the letters of FriendlyWare come in from the right of the screen}

STRONG BAD {voiceover} F-R-I-E- {speeding up} N-D— {unintelligible} That's a pretty dynamic animated logo. {presses enter to pull up the programs menu} Ooh, and look at all these options! Immediately the words "Killer" and "Battle" {those words are surrounded by a pink box} jump out at me. All right, let's go with killer.

{Strong Bad selects "Killer Maze".}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} "Would you like instructions?" No!

{A colorful 3D ASCII maze generates. Strong Bad is facing east. At the bottom of the screen, as with all subsequent programs, is a message telling the user to strike F10 to leave.}

"This multicolored labyrinth stretching on for infinity!"

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Oh man, look at this maze! This multicolored labyrinth stretching on for infinity! Who knows what dangers lurk inside the Killer Maze? {navigating, mumbling} North, turn to the west, and go north again! And then west again! And then that's a dead end. And then all the way around... south... no. Yes! Back to {chuckling} where I was before. Go... keep going... take this left! Over here, north... and then to the east! Okay, so far my main question is where are all the, like, demons and bad guys, and why can't I shoot? Wait a minute... is this like that Hallrunner game {the Hallrunner player character appears onscreen, running} where the bad guys were pop quizzes?

{A Hallrunner dialog box appears onscreen:}


STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Get outta here!

{The box and the runner vanish.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} South... {makes a series of grunts of concentrated navigation} Kinda feel like I'm going in a circle... I shoulda got some graph paper before I did this! {voice starts to speed up} Oh, I have no idea where I am...

{The video fast-forwards as Strong Bad continues to walk through the maze, speaking in sped-up squeaks. It finally returns to normal speed as Strong Bad faces what looks like an exit to the north.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} ...oh! Look at that! It looks like the end! It's gotta be where the big end boss is waiting for me! Let's go! {walks several paces north until the end of the hall materializes into... a wall} Let—aw man! A wall? {keeps navigating} Um, this must have been set on easy. Because there don't appear to be any bad guys in here. I haven't found a single med pack or some ammo clips. {ASCII graphics of these items appear onscreen as he mentions them} Okay.

{He rounds a corner to find, to the east, a blinking EXIT sign.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Wait! EXIT! The exit! D—did I do it?

{He goes east. The screen rewards him with the words, "You Made It !!!! in 82 Moves. Would You Like To Try Again? <Y/N>"}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} I made it! In 82 moves! And there was absolutely no reward! Are you freakin' kidding me?! There's nothing killer about that maze! That is the safest maze I've ever been inside of! Can't I at least get, like, a ASCII cackledemon as a reward?

{Cut back to one corridor of the maze, where an ASCII cacodemon appears.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} That would've been enough! I'm playing DOS games here! My expectations are only, like, ankle high!

{He exits to the main menu.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} All right, let's see, what else we got? "Eye & Hearing Test"? {the program is highlighted} How'd they sneak that one onto the top menu? That should definitely be between, like, the Amortaninazation Calculator—

{Option E, "Sea Battle", is replaced with "Amortaninazation Calculator" as Strong Bad speaks; the name is so long that it pushes option I, "Tic Tac Toe", off to the right.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} —and like, Edgar's Checkbook Balance Blasta.

{A program appears on the screen as Strong Bad speaks:}

|_____Edgar's Checkbook______|
|____¥ Balance Blastas! ¥____|
|_______programmed at________|
|___length in dark corners___|

{The red arrow symbol shoots the dollar sign symbol a few times. The program disappears.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} All right, let's see, what else we got? Let's go to menu two.

{Strong Bad advances to menu two, offering a new set of programs.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Ooh, let's try Match!

{Strong Bad selects Match. The program asks him if he wants instructions.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} "Would you like instructions?" Sure!

{An instruction screen comes up. Strong Bad reads from it.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} "In this game, you will try to match prizes on the game board before your opponent does!"

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Oh, this sounds like a two-player game, Strong Bad!

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Aw man!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} That's right! As our resident game show host, I figured I should be your partner in this endeavor, Strong Bad!

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, very flatly} Okay greeeat!

{He advances to the next screen, which prompts him for his first name.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} "Player 1, please enter your first name." {typing} Oldenbut. {hits enter, and a prompt for player 2 appears below}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} "Player 2, please enter your first name." You know I gotta go with my all-time favorite, {typing} Bernau. {hits enter}

{The screen briefly reads "One Moment While I Generate A Game Board", then a game board consisting of five columns (lettered A to E) and eight rows (numbered 1 to 8) prints. A prompt reads, "BERNAU , What Is Your FIRST Choice?"}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Whoa, this looks like the old Family Feud grid!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} "Bernau, what is your first choice?" I'm going with D7.

{Space D7 is revealed to be ROLEX CAMERA, worth $90.00. The prompt now asks for Bernau's second choice.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Ooh, a Rolex camera! I know they're trying to fool me, but I know the match is at D8.

{D8 is revealed to be 6 PACK/COORS. The message reads, "SORRY BERNAU , But No Match".}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Did that say a six-pack of Coors?

{The board resets and Oldenbut is prompted for his first choice.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} "Oldenbut, what is your first choice?" Let's go over here to B6.

{B6 is VOLKSWAGEN, worth $5,500.00. Cut to Homestar Runner on The Show set with his microphone and cue cards.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: A horrible Volkswagen!

{The background lifts to reveal the "Ctrl" sedan from earlier as The Show's theme plays. Homestar sings along to it. Cut back to the game.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Shut up. Uh, this thing's definitely at D4.


STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Mobile home?!

{The board resets; Bernau is asked for his first choice.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} I'm going with A4.

{A4 is GOLD RING, worth $300.00.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Gold ring! I betcha that increases my defense!

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} It's not that kind of a game, Homestar.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} They always try to fool me—I'm going with A5.


HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Trip to Japan!

{The board resets; Oldenbut is asked for his first choice.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Are you always just gonna check the one right below the one you just picked?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Yes ma'am.

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Augh. A2.

{A2 is 6 PACK/COORS, worth $3.15.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, excited} Six-pack of Coors! That's right, it was over there, at D8!

{D8 is 6 PACK/COORS. The prompt reads, "ALLRIGHT, A Match !! OLDENBUT, For $3.15 In Prizes, Guess My Secret Number <10 to 99>".}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Nice! A six-pack of Cold Ones! "All right, a match! Oldenbut, for {laughing a little} three dollars and fifteen cents in prizes" — ooh! That's a cheap six-pack! — "guess my secret number, 10 to 99." Oh man. You know I gotta go with 54.

{54 is "Sorry, Too High. But Still Your Turn."}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Still too high?

{The board now has spaces A2 and D8 missing. Oldenbut is prompted for his first choice.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Okay, I get to go again. Uh, B6.

{B6 is VOLKSWAGEN, worth $5,500.00.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} That Volkswagen. Did I already do that?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover, singsong} I'm not telling!

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, pained} What if Homestar's right and it's the one right below it? Aaagh, you got in my head!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover, smoothly} That's what I do, Strong Bad. It's allll mind games.

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} I'm doing it! B7!


STRONG BAD: {voiceover} D'awh! FriendlyWare?!

{The board resets; Bernau is asked for his first choice.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Ha ha! My turn! D3.

{D3 is MX-80 PRINTER, worth $550.00.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} An MX-80 printer! Preeeow!

{The Paper prints with the word PREEEOW in ASCII bubble letters.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Oh man, that doesn't date this game at all!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} And let-me-think-about-it D4.

{D4 is MOBILE HOME. The board resets and Oldenbut is prompted for his first choice.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} I'm going with C5.

{C5 is CORVETTE, worth $25,000.00. A red ASCII art Corvette drives by under the board over Strong Bad's next line.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} A Corvette! Yes! All right, it's gonna be in E7!


STRONG BAD: {voiceover} FriendlyWare?!

{The board resets; Bernau is asked for his first choice.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Ooh, now I know what that is. B7...

{B7 is FRIENDLYWARE, worth $49.95.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} And E7.

{E7 is FRIENDLYWARE. Bernau is asked to guess the computer's secret number for $49.95 in prizes.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Ding ding ding ding ding! Whoa, FriendlyWare costs $49.95?

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} And them's 1983 dollars!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} "Bernau, guess my secret number, 10 to 99!" Uh, 23.

{A message reads "Congratulations BERNAU You WIN !!!" before every space on the board is revealed and the message changes to "Strike Any Key To See Your Prizes". The Show music plays.}


HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} "Congratulations Bernau! You win!"

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} What the crap?! You can just guess a stupid number and win the game?! Aw man. I coulda won a Betamax, {the items he names are highlighted} a brick home, whatever a Tampa Nugget is... and a turkey farm! {emotional} You cheated me out of my turkey farm, Homestar!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} Hey, check it out! The MX-80 printer actually followed my double-up style! {the two MX-80 printers are highlighted}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} I'll double up your style if you don't get outta here!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover, distant} I already left your house!

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Good riddance! F10!

{Strong Bad exits to the main menu.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Let's see, what else we got on here? Uh, let's check out... Intro Menu 2.

{Strong Bad changes the menu.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, mumbling} Blackjack, Dominoes, boring, boring, boring... Whoa, Personal Biorhythms! That sounds awesome!

{Strong Bad selects "Personal Biorhythms". The program asks if he wants instructions.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} In the spirit of BioForge and Bio Menace! {the title screens for these games show up as Strong Bad mentions them} I bet you "Biorhythm" is gonna really deliver! No, I don't need instructions!

{Strong Bad advances to the next screen, which asks for his birth date.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Whoa! "Enter your birth date". This game's gonna, like, take place in real time! Let's just put in a nice bogus one here... {types "06-23-73"; the program asks him to confirm} Correct? Yes!

{The next screen asks for a start date.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} "Please enter a start date for your chart". Let's start in the eighties! {types "06-23-83"; the program asks him to confirm} Yes!

{A graph generates of three sinusoidal curves made of "P"s, "I"s, and "E"s respectively, with dates on the left spanning from 6/23/83 to 7/13/83. The graph is split by a vertical line down the center. The left, center, and right portions of the graph are labelled DOWN, CRITICAL, and UP respectively.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Whoa! What the— P... and I... and E... I should've read the instructions! Down, critical, up! I have no idea! Space bar to continue!

{He advances to the next page; the graph continues to 8/3/83.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} What am I looking at here? Oh. P, I, E. I'm looking for pie! {continues clicking through pages} Okay. That's gotta be the object here. This is definitely as good as BioForge and Bio Menace.

{Strong Bad grunts as he loads a page where "P I E" appears on the fifth to last line.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} P... P-I-E! There it is! Look! There at the bottom of the page! {the letters are highlighted} P, I, E! And an ampersand even! {the highlight extends down to an ampersand below the E} I got pie! On November 12th, 1983! {advances to the next page} All right, I'm done pretending that this is any good. Let's leave.

{He exits to the main menu.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} All right, FriendlyWare. "Sea Battle" is your last chance. Don't disappoint me!

{He selects Sea Battle, which prompts him for his first name.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} "What is your first name, Captain? Enter your name and then STRIKE the enter key!" Strike it down with extreme prejudice! Captain... {typing} Symptomo. That's right. {the next screen asks if he wants instructions} "Would you like instructions?" No!

{A couple bars of 8-bit "Anchors Aweigh" play as the game board generates: three levels consisting of an array of letters from A to X. An ASCII battleship is at the top of the screen. A prompt at the bottom of the screen reads, "Choose a Level 1, 2, or 3 and Strike Corresponding Key".}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Oh man! Look at that battleship! That thing's amazing! All right, what do we got here? Level 1... level 2... level 3... choose a level and strike the corresponding key! I love all these strikings that we're doing! It's like the word "press" hadn't been invented yet in the early eighties. Or the word "mash". Uh, let's go with level 2.

{Strong Bad selects level 2. The prompt now reads, "Choose a Quadrant A Thru X and Strike Corresponding Key".}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} And choose a quad-rant, A through X. Uh, let's go with quadrant... N!

{The game reports an "Illegal function call in 330".}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Illegal function call in 330? What the crap? This awesome Sea Battle game doesn't even work! Let's just take a peek under the hood here. {hits enter a couple times, printing "Syntax error", then types:} LIST 330.

{Line 330 of the source code prints:}

330 POKE (X-1)*160+Y*2-1,W:POKE (X-1)*160+Y*2-2,V:NEXT:PRINT CHR$(29)"█":FOR X=20 TO 500 STEP 10:SOUND X*2+22,.0001:NEXT:SOUND X,0:RETURN

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Oh, 330. "Poke"? Kinda code is "poke"? {mumbles through the line of code} Um, okay, I'm just gonna start, uh, tweaking some stuff here... {types "EDIT 330", allowing him to edit the line} based on my expert programmering... just gonna make this two minus one. {changes "Y*2-2" to "Y*2-1"} Totally. Totally great. And {typing} RUN.

{The game board prints again.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Okay, here we go. Let's see. Let's see. Go back to level 2, and this time we'll try quadrant N!

{The game reports an illegal function call as before, but this time a series of ¥ characters with different-colored backgrounds prints in a vertical line above quadrant N.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Whoa! I added some awesome colors and scorpions! But uh, still... still doesn't work. Let's just see here. {types "LIST"} Let's look at the program—

{The entire source code of the game prints, scrolling for a while before ending on line 1000.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Whoa, oh man! Oh dang! Look at that! One thousand lines of code! This has gotta be, like, the longest game ever programmed! Oh, wait a minute! I see some graphics in there! {typing "LIST 800-900"} List... let's see... 800 to 900...

{Lines 800 to 900 print. 890 and 900 contain the ASCII ship graphics inside of PRINT statements.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Oh yes! Look at that! That's their ship graphics, man! Okay, let's see. {typing "EDIT 900"} Edit line 900. Oh man. Go in here... We are aboard the S.S. Totalbelow! {he types "S.S.TOTALBELOW" in the ship graphics} {chuckling} That's right. All right, let's see. {typing} RUN.

{The game board prints as before, but now the name S.S.TOTALBELOW adorns the side of the ship.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, gleeful} Yes! Look at that thing! The S.S. Totalbelow! Let's watch it not work correctly! {selects quadrant M on level 3, which is bombarded with colorful ¥ characters and an illegal function call in 330 as Strong Bad makes a cannonball sound} Scorpions! Red scorpion! Green scorpions! Oh man. What else can I do to this broken game? Ooh, I've got an idea!

{He lists lines 800 to 900 again.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Bear with me now. I'm gonna get pretty great here.

{Strong Bad starts typing line 891 as he speaks.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, mumbling} Add my own line 891 there. I gotta try and remember all of my DOSes. {singing} Ooh, all my DOS programming. Program you so well. All my DOS programming! Only time will tell! If I remember how to... program you properly!

{Strong Bad has added the following lines:}

891 COLOR 4,0:LOCATE 1,62:PRINT"/---\":LOCATE 2,61:PRINT"|     |":LOCATE 3,61:PRINT"|     |":LOCATE 4,62:PRINT"\_=_/":LOCATE 5,62:PRINT"o-H-o"
892 COLOR 2,0:LOCATE 2,63:PRINT"o o":COLOR 9,0:LOCATE 2,64:PRINT"V":COLOR 7,0
893 COLOR 6,0:LOCATE 4,20:PRINT"v___":LOCATE 5,20:PRINT"|oo/":COLOR 7,0

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Okay, that should do it! Let's run!

{He runs the game. Colored ASCII renderings of Strong Bad and The Cheat are now aboard the S.S. Totalbelow.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} There we are! It's me and The Cheat! Standing dangerously in front of that giant cannon! {singing to "Anchors Aweigh"} Doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doh dah dah! Oh man. Strong Bad and The Cheat sailing the three-layered alphabetical seas in the S.S. Totalbelow.

{Zoom out to a view of Strong Bad's monitor.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Well, I think the fact that I'm hacking these games in order to make them enjoyable is a sure sign we've reached the limit of what FriendlyWare has to offer. But if anybody knows how to fix that illegal function call, be sure and let me know in the comments. Here's hoping we may one day reach one megabyte.

{A beep sounds as the screen shuts off.}

{Cut to a fake YouTube autoplay screen: "Hallrunner Speedlong Runplay - 16 HOURS! DENNIS%"}

{Cut back to the FriendlyWare main menu.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Whoa, check it out. The Return to DOS. {option L, "Return To DOS", is highlighted} That's way better than Escape from DOS. Let's play it!

{He selects the option, which quits FriendlyWare and brings him to the DOS command line.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Oh. It's just a... return to DOS. Hey, let's, like, mess around in here then! {types "DIR/P", bringing up the working directory, and reads from the list} BASIC, BASICA... BASICA sounds like a Teen Girl Squad character.

{Cut to a Teen Girl Squad panel. What's Her Face is standing next to a girl drawn in green ASCII art with "mm-dd-yy" written on her dress.}

WHAT'S HER FACE: Hey BASICA. You wanna come over for some pizza rolls and—

BASICA: {speaks in a distorted voice as What's Her Face looks alarmed} Illegal function call in 330!!

{BASICA chops an oddly happy-looking What's Her Face in half with an ASCII battle axe.}


{Cut back to DOS.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Uh, let's see, let's go into BASICA... {enters BASICA} Just make a little program here... {typing a three-line BASIC program} "FriendlyWare... is kinda... the worst." Kay. Oops, let's make a—go ahead and—don't forget to clear screen. 20 goto 10.

{Strong Bad's program reads:}

20 GOTO 10

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Let's do it. {typing} RUN.

{The screen fills with endless lines of "FRIENDLYWARE IS KINDA THE WORST".}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, laughing} Yaaay! I did it!

{He terminates the program.}

Fun Facts


  • Tampa Nugget is a brand of cigars.
  • Palo Alto is one of the principal cities of Silicon Valley, a global center of technology.
  • The biorhythm theory is a pseudoscientific idea that people's physical, emotional, and intellectual health (the “P”, “E”, and “I” on the chart) are affected by cycles of time of exactly 23, 28 and 33 days, respectively.


  • Scenes from this episode were previously shown in various @StrongBadActual Tweets:
    • The ASCII "cackledemon" was shown on 12 Feb 2020.
    • Most of Strong Bad and Homestar's Match game was seen on 12 Dec 2020.
    • A couple of lines from the Sea Battle sequence were shown in the Disk 4 of 12 sneak peek on 1 Feb 2020.
  • Strong Bad's computer is a mish-mash of retro computing equipment:


  • The Teen Girl Squad scene is drawn on cartoon notebook paper rather than the realistic notebook paper from issues 11 and onward.
  • The Sea Battle program can be fixed by editing the line of code to the following due to a call of SOUND 822,.0001 causing an invalid function call in the basic program involved.
330 POKE (X-1)*160+Y*2-1,W:POKE (X-1)*160+Y*2-2,V:NEXT:PRINT CHR$(29)"█":FOR X=20 TO 390 STEP 10:SOUND X*2+22,.0001:NEXT:SOUND X,0:RETURN

Inside References

  • As explained in the episode, FriendlyWare first appeared on a floppy disk in the floppy disk container in unused emails.
  • Hallrunner is mentioned, with the player character and an obstacle dialog box appearing.
  • The ASCII car that appears in the Match game appears to be the same (except for color) as the one in Karate Car, which Strong Bad watches in the movies.
  • Strong Bad makes it his goal to find the word "PIE" in the personal biorhythm chart.
  • In the Sea Battle game, Strong Bad pronounces "quadrant" with a hard A.
  • Strong Bad suggests that the word "mash" hadn't been invented by the early eighties.
  • Strong Bad names his battleship the S.S. Totalbelow.
  • At the end of the episode, Strong Bad writes a BASIC infinite loop.

Real-World References

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