Hremail 7

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Hremail #7
watch 62 {{{5}}}
"Contractually unable to not talk about Melonade!"

Homestar shares the goodness of melonade, then explains to Strong Bad what the internet is all about.

Cast (in order of appearance): Homestar Runner, The Cheat, Strong Bad, Strong Sad

Places: The Hremail Room, Computer Room (Easter egg)

Date: Monday, May 4, 2009

Running Time: 3:51

Page title: Randy 400!!!


{Theme music begins to play as the words " presents HREMAIL #7" gradually grow larger on the screen. Cuts to Homestar Runner in his fifth design doing a dance in time to the music, which soon ends.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh hello everybody everybody! I'm Homestar Runner.

{Scene changes to show Homestar Runner sitting behind a wooden desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Today's question goes like-a this-a...

{Drumroll sounds, Homestar taps his shoes in anticipation.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {Reading aloud.} Greetings Homestar Runner!

{Zooms in on a piece of paper containing the e-mail.}

{Reads "Johnny V." as "Johnny Mess in the Chest".}

{Scene changes back to the desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Of course I can talk about my fave-o drinks!

{Cuts to an angle shot of Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: And as a national spokesmodel for the {logo appears in the corner of the screen} Ethical Advancement of Melonade, I am contractually unable to drink, {logo slides off-screen} talk about, or bathe in any other liquid!

{Cuts back to desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Most folk think that melonade comes in but one flavor.

{Zooms in on Homestar with desk top still visible.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: But thanks to giant leaps in melonade technology, we can now choose from hundreds of flavor-encrusted varieties. Some of my favo flavors include:

{Zooms in on the melonade can on the desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Taco Annihilation {replaces the can with one labeled the same in fiesta lettering and a mushroom cloud over a taco}, Athletic Berry Blast {slides another can next to it}, Butt 1 Flavor {places a can with a picture of a discarded cigarette butt on it near Taco Annihilation}, Quadruple Triple {slides it in front of Taco Annihilation and Athletic Berry Blast}, Casta Latte Froth {places a can with a picture of a teacup on it on the far right}, and Sizzlin' Bacon Guava Quench {places a can with bacon and guava fruit in front of Quadruple Triple and Casta Latte Froth}.

{Zooms out to show Homestar again.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Or why not try the new line of powdered throat closers {holds up a pink packet labeled Melonade Throat Closers}. Apply directly to the esophagus!

{Homestar Runner opens the packet and pours the powder into his mouth. He then begins to cough, his eyes growing increasingly smaller until his throat visibly tightens.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {gasping} Huuuh-- that's good stuff!

{Scene switches to show Strong Bad and The Cheat walking as music plays in the background.}

STRONG BAD: {singing off-key} I have a place, and it {unintelligible}, I'm Strong Bad, he's The Cheat and I'm Strong Bad...

{Music stops as the two arrive at Homestar's desk where he's sitting unhappily.}

STRONG BAD: What's going on here, crap for nose?

{Zooms in on Homestar Runner.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {hoarsely} Oh, hi Strong Bad. {gradually improves} I'm in the middle of responding to a fan e-mail.

{Switches to Strong Bad, scratching his head in confusion.}

STRONG BAD: A what-mail?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: An e-mail, {zooms out to show everyone} like on the Internet!

STRONG BAD: A what-mail on the Inter-what?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You know, WWW, hyperlinks, AOL keywords {the text "AOL Keyword> Macromedia Flash 5 Animation" appears at the bottom of the screen}, and all that good stuff!

STRONG BAD: Homestar, your dumbness never ceases to amaze. I don't even know half the gibber you jabber these days!

{Cuts to show Strong Sad waving his hand in the air.}

STRONG SAD: No, Homestar's right. Electronic mail {the screen goes black and hypnotic as he continues, his voice becoming increasingly echoed} is transmitted from one computer to another, via a web of computers connected by phone line--

STRONG BAD: {screen suddenly goes back to normal} Hush down, crap for mouth!

STRONG SAD: When you dial up, it sounds like this!

{Strong Sad starts imitating modem handshaking noises. Scene cuts to Strong Bad and The Cheat, then to Homestar Runner, who furrows his brow, then back to Strong Sad as he finishes. He slowly looks up. Then it cuts back to Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: Let me get this straight. You guys are saying that my adoring fans could be sending me piles of what-mails right now, and I'm not getting them?

STRONG SAD: {pronounces it slowly} E-mails.

{Switches to a closeup of Strong Bad's mouth.}

STRONG BAD: Eeeee-mails? {his mouth begins to wobble as he tries pronouncing the word}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, you need an e-mail address first. I can let you borrow until you get your own domain.

STRONG BAD: Thanks, crap for ear. But my name at your name dot com sounds like a terrible e-mail address. I'm sure I will be able to figure out getting my own domain.

{Zooms in on Strong Bad and The Cheat as they start walking to the left.}

STRONG BAD: Come on, The Cheat. Let's walk over here a few feet and steal Homestar's computer.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Umm... that's my old one. It barely works. I'd be surprised if you could check more than forty e-mails on it.

STRONG BAD: Ohh, you can't fool me. This thing's top of the line! It's got two contrast knobs! {grabs the Tandy 400 out of the trash can} Let's go start answering fanmail in humorous fashion. Nobody's ever done that before!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Thanks for taking my garbage out, guys! Come back and do the dishes if you want!

{The screen shifts quickly over to Strong Sad, where he's still standing.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Please leave.

STRONG SAD: Awwwww... {walks off-screen sideways}

{Cuts back to a close-up of Homestar as music starts to play.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: So there you have it, Johnny! I talked about some of my favo drinks {holds up the various Melonade cans} just like you asked. I'll tell you about my non-Melonade favorite drinks in March of 2003, when my contract expires {holds up some stapled papers labeled 'The "Deal"'}. Now I have to go make me a sweet bath.

{Zooms out as Homestar Runner walks off-screen.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Gonna take a bath in some Melonade... oh, it kinda stings my skin...

{The words "The End" slide down.}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on the 'D' at the end to watch Strong Bad's first encounter with the Tandy 400.
{Strong Bad and The Cheat both look at the Tandy 400's blank screen.}
STRONG BAD: So, are these green lines the e-mails from my fans or what?
{The Cheat noises. Zooms out to show the whole room.}
STRONG BAD: {waving arms frantically} I have to type something?? I thought this was a computer! How am I supposed to type when--
{is cut off by The Cheat, making exclamatory noises.}
STRONG BAD: Oh, yeah... smart thinking! Now go call Abdi and make him send me some fanmail!
{The Cheat jumps off the stool and walks off.}

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