Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 5.0

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"Hello? Hellooooo? Marzipan? Hello?"

Coach Z is drunk, Homsar is numb, Strong Bad is British, Homestar is a telemarketer, and Strong Sad is as lonely as usual.

Cast (in order of appearance): Marzipan, Coach Z, Bubs, Homsar, Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Strong Sad

Places: Marzipan's House

Page Title: Marzipan's Answering Machine Volume 5

Release Date: December 2001 or January 2002?



Marzipan's Greeting

MARZIPAN: Hi, this is Marzipan. {singing} Leave me a message, and I'll get right back to you. Hey! Leave me a message, and I'll get right back to you. Hey! Leave me a messa— {beep}

Message 6

COACH Z: {drunk} Hey there Marzipan, it's Coach Z.. Wheeeee!

BUBS: {also drunk; in the background while Coach Z continues talking} Hey, Coach! Tell her I said, "Hey!" No, no, just—Tell her I said, "Bananas!" Tell her I said, "A bluh-buncha bananas." {continues making an unintelligible statement and then sings "Good time plus twooooo!" drunkenly.}

COACH Z: Look at me, I'm Coach Z! Oh, I'm now, I'm a poet, though. I apologize. I-I-I'm over at Bubs' place. Uh, we're just hanging out here having a good time, you know. {singing} Good times times 3... makes 1, 2, Coach Z! {stops singing} See I told you I was a poet, now. Uh, so anyways, like I say, we're just hanging out over here, having a great time, and I started thinking about you, {sniffs, starts to cry}, 'cause I always have such a great time with you, 'cause you're such.. you're such a beautiful person, and you're just... {sobs} You're so perfect, and, you know, I couldn't ask for more in a lady. {sniffs} Oh, geez. I'm sorry. I... {sniffs} I gotta go.

Message 5

HOMSAR: DaAAahhh, hello, Marzypa-yun. It's Homsar! Dahhh, I was just calling to thank you for the flowers you sent me while I was in the hospital. Daahh, I'm feeling much better now, but I still can't feel my leeegs. Okay, bye-dee-bye.

Message 4

STRONG BAD: {clears throat} Cheerio, there, Mrs. Pan. This is Constable Anybody over here at the Royal Society for Total Dorks. We would like to welcome you to our pres-tee-gee-us society. In fact, we would make you freakin' president! {snickers, clears throat again} Yes, so, all you have to do is, uh, go to your window and stick a couple of pencils up your nose, and {snickers} then you'll be the president! {more snickering} Okay... cheers, 'cause I'm so British!

Message 3

COACH Z: {sober and a bit embarrassed} Hey, there, Marzipan, it's Coach Z, uh... {pause} So Bubs tells me I gave you a call last night, uh, in the wee hours, there. Um, I'm not too sure what I may have said, but I'd like to apologize... make kind of a blanket apology, cover the whole thing there, like one of them blankets you put on a fire, you know, when a, when you're burnin' leaves in the backyard and it gets out of hand and, you know, you gotta throw that blanket over there. That's what this apology is, here. So, uh... hope I didn't offend you or say anything out of turn, there. Though I suppose you can't really say nothing out of turn on a machine, right? 'Cause, you know, when's your turn on the answering machine, no-not till you call back. Okay, so now I'm just ramblin', but, uh... I am still a poet, and, uh... and don't I know it!

Message 2

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {clearly reading off text} Good evening Sir or Madam. My name is Homestar Runner. I represent Distinguished Businessman. Are you getting the lowest rates from your long distance provider? I can give you rates as low as anybody. Seriously. I don't know what they are... {pause} but I probably could give them to you. Um, here's one: BEEP. Haha, no, that was just me pressing the phone. Okay, it wasn't even me pressing the phone, it was just me saying "BEEP." Uhh, I can provide you with other stuff, too, like this pen on my desk {whacks pen on desk}, or, like, these post-its. This is great! Am I getting paid for this, really? Um... {singing} doodly dee deeby deedly dee..

Message 1

STRONG SAD: Oh, hey Marzipan, guess-who-this-is-it's Strong Sad. I was just calling 'cause I figured you wouldn't be home, and I'd never done that thing, you know, where you call somebody and you're leaving a message on their machine, and then, while you're leaving the message, they pick up the phone and it's like: "Oh, hey! Hi! I was just leaving you a message, and, how're you doing?" and so... see, I never had that happen to me, so I thought I'd just call you and talk... talk to your machine 'til you got home... so that's what I'm gonna do. Hello? Hellooooo? Marzipan? Hello? {the last four words repeat, perpetually}

Fun Facts


  • This is the first answering machine in which most (if not all) of the characters start to sound like they do today. This is especially evident with Bubs, Strong Bad and Homestar. Homsar's dialogue is in the old style and Strong Sad's voice is a cross between the old, fatigued style and the newer, more delicate style.


  • Homsar's message might be an explanation for why Homsar returned after the Heavy Lourde crushed him in the email homsar.
  • Cheerio is actually a informal British word for 'goodbye', rather than a greeting as Strong Bad seems to think.

Inside References

Fast Forward

  • Homestar's line "I represent Distinguished Businessman" is later used in An Open Forum.

External Links

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