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Subtitles logo These are the English subtitles for Where's The Cheat?. watch this toon
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<transcript xml:lang="en-us" file="whereis.swf" width="550" height="400">
  <line start="238" end="262" speaker="homestar">Dik, doing!</line>
  <line start="268" end="287" speaker="homestar">Dik, sboing!</line>
  <line start="292" end="306" speaker="sfx">Ding!</line>
  <line start="356" end="390" speaker="homestar">Hey stupid, I brought you this stuff!</line>
  <line start="392" end="425" speaker="homestar">Oh, I mean, I brought you this veggie burger.</line>
  <line start="426" end="444" speaker="marzipan">Oh, thanks, Homestar!</line>
  <line start="445" end="483" speaker="marzipan">Oh! He's just adorable! He's got a little face.</line>
  <line start="486" end="517" speaker="homestar">Yeah, I thought that was great, too.</line>
  <line start="518" end="568" speaker="homestar">The olives, um, kinda look like... he has eyes.</line>
  <line start="570" end="611" speaker="marzipan">Little green eyes with red pupils and a big leafy smile?</line>
  <line start="612" end="654" speaker="marzipan">Homestar, I don't think I can eat this. He's just too cute!</line>
  <line start="656" end="675" speaker="homestar">Umm... yeah.</line>
  <line start="677" end="722" speaker="homestar">It's cute and all, but, um, it's not <em>that</em> cute.</line>
  <line start="723" end="744">
    <marzipan>Oh, yes he is that cute!</marzipan>
    <sfx>phone rings</sfx>
  <line start="746" end="785">
    <marzipan>Aren't you that cute? Aren't you that cute? Yes you are.</marzipan>
    <sfx>phone continues to ring</sfx>
  <line start="786" end="821">
    <homestar>Umm... Marzipan?</homestar>
    <marzipan>Yes... you... are! Oh yes you are.</marzipan>
    <sfx>phone continues to ring</sfx>
  <line start="822" end="874">
    <homestar>Um, I think your phone... is ringing.</homestar>
    <marzipan>Now do a little smile for me. Do a smile, that's it.</marzipan>
    <sfx>phone continues to ring</sfx>
  <line start="875" end="906">
    <homestar>Yeah, definitely your phone's ringing.</homestar>
    <marzipan>That's it. Oh, I like your lettuce.</marzipan>
    <sfx>phone continues to ring</sfx>
<line start="909" end="927" speaker="homestar">Um... are you gonna get that?</line>
  <line start="929" end="984">
    <marzipan voiceover="voiceover">Hi, this is Marzipan. Please leave me a message.</marzipan>
  <line start="986" end="1002" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Oh, hey Marzipan.</line>
  <line start="1003" end="1040" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Have you seen The Cheat? Because we can't find him anywhere.</line>
  <line start="1042" end="1083" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Anyways, this is Strong Bad and— uh, ooh, um... <em>(clears throat)</em></line>
  <line start="1084" end="1132" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">I mean this—this is Homestar... Runner.</line>
  <line start="1133" end="1192" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Oh Marzipan... um... I killed Pom Pom!</line>
  <line start="1194" end="1248" speaker="strongbad">Yeah, we're—we were playing badminton in his yard...</line>
  <line start="1249" end="1277" speaker="strongbad">...and I got mad and I killed him!</line>
  <line start="1280" end="1344" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="voiceover">Oh no, I need your help... burying his body...</line>
  <line start="1346" end="1409" speaker="strongbad">Oh, bring some towels... and some garbage bags... <em>(sniffs)</em></line>
  <line start="1410" end="1447" speaker="strongbad">Uh... this is Homestar...</line>
  <line start="1457" end="1474" speaker="strongbad">Pom Pom, cell.</line>
  <line start="1478" end="1519" speaker="strongbad">Bwa ha ha ha! Oh man, that was so great!</line>
  <line start="1520" end="1538" speaker="strongbad">You guys shoulda heard that man!</line>
  <line start="1539" end="1587" speaker="strongbad">I pretended to be Homestar, and I said I killed you, Pom Pom!</line>
  <line start="1588" end="1646">
    <strongbad>Like, Marzipan's gonna freak out—</strongbad>
    <strongmad>THE CHEEEEEAAAAT! Huh?</strongmad>
  <line start="1647" end="1670" speaker="strongbad">Oh, The Cheat. Right, right.</line>
  <line start="1673" end="1690" speaker="strongbad">Pom Pom, cell again.</line>
  <line start="1691" end="1701" speaker="pompom">bubbles</line>
  <line start="1723" end="1737" speaker="strongsad" voiceover="voiceover">Hello?</line>
  <line start="1739" end="1770" speaker="strongbad">Hey wiener. Is The Cheat over there?</line>
  <line start="1771" end="1811" speaker="strongbad">Don't you guys play Candy Land sometimes or something?</line>
  <line start="1813" end="1860" speaker="strongsad">Oh no. The Cheat and I play Jenga on Tuesdays.</line>
  <line start="1861" end="1888" speaker="strongsad">Tonight is my night to play—</line>
  <line start="1889" end="1920">
    <strongsad volume="0.7" voiceover="voiceover">—Caaardinal Sins.</strongsad>
    <strongbad>Okay, so The Cheat is not there. Thanks. Bye.</strongbad>
  <line start="1928" end="1952" speaker="strongbad">I mean, where could he be, you know?</line>
  <line start="1953" end="2006" speaker="strongbad">It's like, what part of "Meet us at the stick" didn't he understand?</line>
  <line start="2020" end="2063" speaker="strongbad">Well, I guess we should go look for him. Come on, guys.</line>
  <line start="2106" end="2140" speaker="bubs">—see here... twenty-four... seventeen...</line>
  <line start="2148" end="2186" speaker="bubs">Hey you guys! This isn't another shake-down, is it?</line>
  <line start="2187" end="2237" speaker="strongbad">Naw, man. We're just looking for The Cheat. You seen him?</line>
  <line start="2238" end="2252" speaker="bubs">Well, let's see here.</line>
  <line start="2253" end="2305" speaker="bubs">Candy bars, popcorns, ketchup, catsup... Uh, nope!</line>
  <line start="2306" end="2325" speaker="bubs">I'm fresh outta Cheats.</line>
  <line start="2335" end="2370">
    <marzipan>Somebody needs a name! Who needs a name?</marzipan>
  <line start="2374" end="2417">
    <marzipan>You need a name, that's who! I think I'll call you Homestar Junior.</marzipan>
  <line start="2419" end="2440">
    <marzipan>Homestar Junior!</marzipan>
  <line start="2443" end="2468">
    <marzipan>Do a smile for me, Homestar Junior!</marzipan>
    <homestar>Uhhhhhh...</homestar> <sfx>Crash!</sfx>
  <line start="2469" end="2496" speaker="marzipan">Who's the cutest, Homestar Junior?</line>
  <line start="2499" end="2530" speaker="coachz">Sorry, boys, I haven't seen The Chort.</line>
  <line start="2531" end="2582" speaker="coachz">Though I have caught him sleepin' in that far locker there from time to time.</line>
  <line start="2584" end="2605" speaker="strongbad">Lessee what we got in here.</line>
  <line start="2611" end="2632" speaker="strongbad">Nope, he's not here.</line>
  <line start="2633" end="2675" speaker="strongbad">Though I see he has been cheating on his New Year's Resolution.</line>
  <line start="2680" end="2723" speaker="strongbad">Though I can't really blame him. You know, because he's The Cheat.</line>
  <line start="2738" end="2762" speaker="strongmad">Uhhh... <em>(sniff, sniff)</em></line>
  <line start="2763" end="2829" speaker="strongmad" sfx="yes">sad mumbling</line>
  <line start="2830" end="2848" speaker="strongbad">Don't worry, big guy.</line>
  <line start="2849" end="2897" speaker="strongbad">We'll cut to a montage. I mean, find The Cheat.</line>
  <line start="2996" end="3025" speaker="strongmad">UGH! ...The Cheat?</line>
  <line start="3079" end="3102" speaker="strongsad">Okay, your turn.</line>
  <line start="3109" end="3173" speaker="homsar">Oh no! You shanked my Jengaship!</line>
  <line start="3190" end="3243" speaker="strongsad">I shanked your Jengaship? We're playing Connect Four.</line>
  <line start="3250" end="3282" speaker="bubs">Hey you guys. Where The Cheat is at?</line>
  <line start="3284" end="3318" speaker="strongsad">Oh, I don't know. It's just us two.</line>
  <line start="3319" end="3387" speaker="homsar">AaAaAaAaAaAaA! Hey, Tubbs! I just lost my Jengajam.</line>
  <line start="3396" end="3415" speaker="bubs">Don't you talk to me.</line>
  <line start="3457" end="3502" speaker="strongbad">The Cheat? The Cheat!</line>
  <line start="3506" end="3538" speaker="strongbad">Uhh... How's it going, Tire?</line>
  <line start="3541" end="3560" speaker="coachz">So you haven't seen him then?</line>
  <line start="3570" end="3584" speaker="coachz">Okay.</line>
  <line start="3594" end="3626" speaker="coachz">Though I see you still got your pile of whatsit there.</line>
  <line start="3641" end="3653" speaker="kingoftown">Doo hoo hoo!</line>
  <line start="3659" end="3707" speaker="kingoftown">Doo dee doo doo doo! Doo hoo hoo hoo!</line>
  <line start="3713" end="3750" speaker="kingoftown">Oh! That little yellow thing! Wake up!</line>
  <line start="3751" end="3785" speaker="coachz">Hey look! The King's gone mad with power!</line>
  <line start="3786" end="3803" speaker="coachz">He's gonna eat The Chort!</line>
  <line start="3804" end="3843">
    <coachz>JEEEOOOOORRRHH! I got him, Strong Mad!</coachz>
    <kingoftown>Woo hoo! Woo hoo hoo! I'm absolutely being assaulted! Woo—</kingoftown>
  <line start="3844" end="3863" speaker="strongbad">Hang on, everybody!</line>
  <line start="3867" end="3900" speaker="strongbad">The King of Town was not going to eat The Cheat.</line>
  <line start="3902" end="3931" speaker="coachz">Ooh jeez! Sorry about that there, Kingy.</line>
  <line start="3935" end="3986" speaker="strongbad">No, no, no, no. That's where The Cheat lives. That's his house!</line>
  <line start="3987" end="4053" speaker="coachz">Wait a minute! The Chort lives in the King of Town's grill,<br />but you didn't think to check there before now?</line>
  <line start="4054" end="4111" speaker="strongbad">Uh... well... yeah. I mean, it's a really complicated story.</line>
  <line start="4112" end="4149">
    <strongbad>It all started—</strongbad>
    <marzipan>Hey guys! Homestar Junior's talking now!</marzipan>
  <line start="4150" end="4156" speaker="strongbad">Who?</line>
  <line start="4157" end="4184" speaker="marzipan">He said, "Put that freakin' sandwich down!"</line>
  <line start="4185" end="4212" speaker="homestar">No, it was me!</line>
  <line start="4213" end="4229" speaker="marzipan">I know it was, sweetie!</line>
  <line start="4230" end="4267" speaker="homestar">No, me! Homestar Runner!</line>
  <line start="4268" end="4295" speaker="marzipan">You're Homestar Junior, remember?</line>
  <line start="4300" end="4333" speaker="homestar">Will you put that freakin' sandwich down?!</line>
  <line start="4336" end="4376" speaker="marzipan">There, he said it again! I'm so proud of you!</line>
  <line start="4377" end="4400" speaker="marzipan">Who's the best, Homestar Junior?</line>
  <line start="4401" end="4438">
    <homestar>Somebody, can I get some help here? Strong Bad?</homestar>
    <marzipan sfx="yes">continues talking, indiscernible</marzipan>
  <line start="4439" end="4473">
    <homestar>Would someone talk some sense into this woman?</homestar>
    <marzipan sfx="yes">continues talking, indiscernible</marzipan>
  <line start="4474" end="4498">
    <homestar>King, you wanna eat that sandwich?</homestar>
    <marzipan sfx="yes">continues talking, indiscernible</marzipan>
  <line start="4507" end="4526" speaker="homestar">Somebody eat that sandwich.</line>
  <line start="4572" end="4599" speaker="announcer">Introducing the Homestar Junior.</line>
  <line start="4605" end="4646" speaker="announcer">For a limited time only, certain children get prizes.</line>
  <line start="4654" end="4677" speaker="announcer">Pay 99 cents.</line>
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