Thy Dungeonman II Messages

From Homestar Runner Wiki

This is a list of all messages that appear in Thy Dungeonman II.

Spoiler warning: Plot or ending details follow.

Contents 1 Opening 2 Everywhere 3 Cell 4 Hallway 5 Office 6 Entrance

Opening

Thou awake in a dungeon. There ist a barred WINDOW and a DOOR, some HAY and a CHAMBER POT. Thou wearest only a loincloth made of cheesecloth. It is a loin-cheese cloth. Thou rememberest little other than thine own name. By the way, what ist thy name again?

Ah, yes. [name]. A [adjective]* name. Anyhoo. Like I mentionedeth: a Cell.

* - randomly "disappointing", "filthy", "flaccid", "mundane", "noble", "pleasant", "predictable", "ridiculous", "scrumtrilescent"

Everywhere

• LOOK

  {the description of the room you are in}

• SELF
  • Any of the following that are applicable:

    [name]:

    Thou art unduly naked.

    Thy hitpoints are [hit points].

    Thou art holding thy nose quite firmly.

    Thou hast the plague. Bogus.

    Thy score is [score] out of a possible 100.

• INV/INVENTORY
  • Any of the following that are applicable:

    Thou has moldy BREAD

    Thou has a filthy KEY

    Thou has a MAP

    Thou has thy loin-cheese CLOTH

• HELP

  Type LOOK to see thy surroundings. Type INVENTORY to see thy worldly possessions. Type SELF to check thy status.

• BREATHE/RELEASE NOSE/LET GO OF NOSE/UNPLUG NOSE/SMELL
  • If you are currently holding your nose:

    Phew! You let thy nostrils open forthwith and breatheth in the dungeon dankeries. Mmmm. Good dankeries!

  • Otherwise:

    A splendid idea, my good steward, were thou indeed holding thy nose.

• DAN

  Dan's okay. He's goin back to junior college in the fall. Maybe get a job. Then who knows.

• DANCE

  Ye puts thine point on ye floor and just grooves it.

• DENNIS

  Ye hasn't seen Dennis in a fortmoonnast. Maybe luck is on your side.

• DIE

  That wasn't very smart.

  (-100 points, you die)
• GO {anywhere not valid}/NORTH/EAST/WEST/SOUTH

  Nah. Ye've been there already. The rides are boring and the lines are long.

• GET/TAKE {anything not valid}

  That's not something we want you to get. You'll break it.

• GET/TAKE/EAT BREAD
  • If you have the bread but don't have the plague:

    Thou are already in possession of the moldy bread. And ye aren't in need of it now.

  • Otherwise:

    Haven't seen any of that around lately. It's thy favorite bedtime snack though.

• GET/TAKE DAGGER

  Not this thyme, friend.

• GET/TAKE FLASK/YE FLASK
  • First two times:

    Ye wish. If there was a flask in this game, we wouldst know about it.

  • After that:

    Ye pluck up the flask and examine of it. HEY WAIT! Give us that back!

    (+2 points each time)
• GET/TAKE MAP

  Oh, thou hast already got it. Don't thee worry.

  (NOTE: It says this even if you don't already have it.)
• GIVE {anything not valid}

  Just like ye to giveth away something thou doesn't have. And ye STILL has my Gameboy.

• HOLD NOSE/BREATH
  • If you're already holding your nose:

    Thou art already holding thy nose. Thou art running out of hands.

  • Otherwise:

    Thou holds thy nostrils shut. Now all thou smells is the innards of thy nose. Smells like mutton.

• LOOK {anything not valid}

  Dunno what that is. Thou liveth in thine own fantasy world.

• LOOK CLOTH/LOINCLOTH/CHEESECLOTH
  • If you're wearing it:

    Eww. It smelleth as though it could use a good washing. It's keeping thee warm and ... well, warm at least.

  • Otherwise:

    Eww. It smelleth as though it could use a good washing. I hope it does not alarm thou to mention that thou art not actually wearing it, friend.

• LOOK KEY
  • If you have the key:

    It is key-shaped. Ye supposeth something could be unlocked with it. Thou wert always the clever dungeonman.

  • Otherwise:

    Clever, but no. You don't have one.

• LOOK MAP
  • If you have the map:

    Okay so it's not like a map-map. It's just a piece of parchment that sayeth: West, West, North, West, North, North, East, East, North, East, North, North.
    It disintegrates in thy hand. This nonsense is getting old.

  • If you previously had the map:

    Just ashes. Luckily thou hast parchmentic memory: West, West, North, West, North, North, East, East, North, East, .... uh ... hrm.

• Otherwise:

  Sorry, which map would that be, exactly?

• PUT ON/WEAR CLOTH/LOINCLOTH/CHEESECLOTH
  • If you're already wearing it:

    Playing dress-up again? Thou art already wearing it.

  • Otherwise:

    A good idea for now. The draught is withering.

• REMOVE/TAKE OFF CLOTH/LOINCLOTH/CHEESECLOTH
  • If you're currently wearing it:

    Thou art as naked as the day god made thee.

  • Otherwise:

    A grand idea but for that thou hast already removed the loin-cheesecloth.

• PWD

  ~*dungeonman/DUNGEON/[name of location]

  (In place of *, the first letter of the player's name.)
• SNIFF
  • If you're holding your nose:

    Not with thy nose held. Garbage in, garbage out.

  • Otherwise:

    Art thou wearing Wumpus, the new fragrance by Monarch?

• TALK {anything}

  You wish [whatever was typed] was here. God, that's all ye ever talketh about anymore.

• Anything else

  That does not computeth. Type HELP is thou needs of it.

• Miscellaneous:
  • After the eleventh action after holding your breath (if you do not release it):

    Ye suddenly collapse deadeth onto the cold stone floor. Since ye are not much of a mouth breather and forgot to unplug thy nose, thou hast suffocated. Thou art hilariously dumb. Thou loseth. Thank thee for playing.

    (You die.)

Cell

Ye find yeself in yon cell. There ist a barred WINDOW, a firmly shut DOOR, some HAY, and a CHAMBER POT.

• GET CHAMBER POT/POT
  • If you have the key:

    There is nothing left to discover here. Thou must trust us on this one.

  • Otherwise:

    You pluck it up and its contents slosh around in a foul manner. You hear the TINKLE of metal inside it. The odor grosses thou out so you put the chamber pot back down.

• GET HAY
  • If you have the bread:

    If thou only hadst a brain, thou would remember searching it quite thoroughly already.

  • Otherwise:

    You decideth to get some hay and grabs ye a handful. What ho! Within the handful of hay lies a spot of MOLDY BREAD. You discard the hay and gently slide the moldy bread into your loin-cheese cloth. Eww.

    (+5 points)
• GET TINKLE
  • If you are holding your nose and don't have the key:

    Grody. You reacheth into someone else's filth and pilfer out a small KEY. Drat. You were hoping it was a spare gilderupee.

    (+5 points)
  • If you are not holding your nose and don't have the key:

    No way. It stinketh so bad. Perhaps if you couldn't smell of it...

  • If you have the key:

    Thou already has the contents of the pot. Let's not make matters worse.

• LOOK CHAMBER POT/POT

  Looks like an old mustard pot. Or MAYBE mustard pots look like old chamber pots! Zounds! You stoppeth this line of thought as thou art a big mustard eater.

• LOOK DOOR

  Barred shut. Looks like thou will have to open it to get out, at the very least.

• LOOK HAY

  Boooring!

• LOOK WINDOW

  You make up what's out there. We already told thou it's barred. Giveth us a break, huh?

• OPEN/UNLOCK DOOR

  Turns out it isn't locked. It's all coming back to thee - thou art a custodial knight! You are in the hallway of the dungeon. Exits are north, south, and the cell from whence ye came is roughly westish.

  (Go to Hallway.)

Hallway

You are in the hallway of the dungeon. Exits are north, south, and the cell from whence ye came is roughly westish.

• GO N/NORTH

  The hallway north leads deeper underground. The walls are narrower, standing water is at thy feet, and other such unpleasant cliches abound. There is a slimy doorway that heads north. There is a sizeable rat by the doorway, and it seems to be wearing a nametag.

  (Go to Entrance.)
• GO ROUGHLY WESTISH

  That's the ticket. Except thou art again in a cell. The door slammeth behind thee.

• GO S/SOUTH
  • If the player has already been to the office:

    Ripberger. He's in there. Thou'd sooner cope with cholera again than go back.

    (NOTE: Due to a glitch, this will be immediately followed by another comments, generally the standard "Go" or nonsense line.)
  • Otherwise:

    The hallway south leads into the Custodial Magistrate's office. He is not in. There are many paintings of the magistrate shaking hands with famous people. King Arthur, King Graham, David Bowie. On his desk lies a wooden placard with the name "Ripberger" carved into it. In the desk is a really conspicuous DRAWER. Ye can only go NORTH.

    (Go to Office.)
• GO W/WEST

  Well, it's not exactly west. More roughly westish.

Office

There are many paintings of the magistrate shaking hands with famous people. King Arthur, King Graham, David Bowie. On his desk lies a wooden placard with the name "Ripberger" carved into it. In the desk is a really conspicuous DRAWER. Ye can only go NORTH.

• After five actions are taken, this is put before the text:

  (Thou hearest footsteps outside the hall. Bigguns.)

• After seven actions are taken

  Oh OH! Ripberger strides in like he owns the place. "Snooping around my office again, eh [name]? THOU ART FIRED!" he bellows. Now thou'll never be able to afford that wicked scepter thy had thine eyes on at the smithee.And the fair Maiden Ogletree will never allow a Thy Dungeonman like you to court her. Thou loseth. Thank thee for playing.

  (You die.)
• CLOSE DRAWER
  • If it is open:

    Good thinking, [name]. Ripberger will be none the wiser.

  • Otherwise:</blockquote>Didn't I mention it was already closed? My b.</blockquote>
• GET/TAKE DRAWER

  Don't be silly. It's part of the desk. What if I typed TAKE FOOT on thou. How would you like that?

• GET/TAKE FOOT

  Thy literalist humor does not warrant a response.

• GET/TAKE MAP
  • If the drawer is open:

    Gingerly you snatch the parchment, roll it up, and stuff it in your apparently very roomy loin-cheese cloth.

    (+5 points)
  • Otherwise:

    Thy stubs thy tender fingers on the closed drawer. Hey, waiteth a minute. Hast thou played this before?

• GET/TAKE PLACARD

  Dude! Ripberger would KILL you!

• LOOK AT DAVID BOWIE

  There's something about that man... The picture was taken during the Tin Machine era. Thou art more of a Ziggy Stardust fan.

  (+2 points for the first time only)
• LOOK DRAWER

  It looketh like it wants to be opened.

• LOOK PAINTINGS

  Man, that guy Ripberger really has it madeth.

• OPEN DRAWER
  • If it is open:

    How open dost thou want the darn thing!?

  • Otherwise:

    Locked! Isn't that always the way? Thou hateth adventure games.

• UNLOCK DRAWER
  • If you have the key:

    With the filthy key ye unlock the drawer and open it. There's totally a MAP in there.

  • Otherwise:

    Come again? Jeez, if only thee hadn't amputated that key-shaped sixth finger thou were born with.

• GO N/NORTH

You slip back into the hallway and run right into Magistrate Ripberger! "What art thou doing, [name]?" he asks suspiciously.

• TALK TO MAGISTRATE/RIPBERGER

  "Gumble-duh. Dumble?" you barely stammer.
  ...
  ...
  ...
  "Very well," says Ripberger. "Carry on." With that he walks into his office and locks the door behind him. PHEW! Twas a close one.

  (+5 points, go to Hallway.)
• Anything else

  Not now! This ist serious!!

Entrance

Let's recap: Yucchy place plus rat with a nametag. Exits NORTH and SOUTH.

• GET PLAGUE
  • If you have spoken to Percy:

    Percy reiterates that he must give the plague to all ye who pass. You, on the other hand, are just standing there. You'll have to pass him in order to get ye plague.

  • Otherwise:

    Yes, yes, brilliant. But howe?

• GO N/NORTH

  Passing through the slimy doorway Percy says, "This might kill ye a little," and sharply bites your ankle. You howl in pain like a prancey squire. Percy slams the door shut behind you and locks it tight.
  Ye have entered what appears to be a maze of sewer tunnels. Tunnels lead North, East, and West. Ye spies a mop.

  (+5 points, go to Maze.)
• GO S/SOUTH

  Back ye go.
  You are in the hallway of the dungeon. Exits are north, south, and the cell from whence ye came is roughly westish.

  (Go to Hallway.)
• LISTEN TO RATT

  Ye hums some late-era Ratt to thyself. 'Waycool Jr.' is not as good a tune as thou rememberest.

• LOOK NAMETAG

  The nametag readeth: Hello, my name is Percy. I am here to help.

• LOOK RAT

  The rat is just smaller than a chamberpot and is wearing a nametag. It looketh back at you blankly.

• TALK PERCY/TO PERCY
  • If your nose is being held:

    Since thy nose is still held fast, thy voice sounds like a prancey squire. Percy laughs and points at you and later tells his friends about how foolish thou sounded. Within their circle of friends, it becometh an inside joke that to "pull a Thy Dungeonman" is to do something stupid or like how a prancey squire would do it.

  • Otherwise:

    Percy tells you that he is a bubonic plague rat in the service of the crown. And by order of the King he must give said plague to all ye who pass. Ye included. "Nice loin-cheese cloth," he adds...rather creepily.

• TALK RAT/TO RAT

  It looketh back at you blankly. (the nametag, ye fool! the nametag!)