parenting
From Homestar Runner Wiki
| Strong Bad Email #209 |
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A father to be asks Strong Bad for parenting advice and Strong Bad obliges by sharing his experience in "health class".
Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Marzipan, Homestar Runner, The Cheat, Coach Z, The King of Town, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, Lady, The Poopsmith, Alex Hirsch
Places (in order of appearance): Computer Room, The Classroom, The Athletic Field, The Field, Strong Sad's Room, The King of Town's Castle, Marzipan's House, House of Strong, Strong Mad's Room, Playground, Recording Studio
Computer: Lappier
Date: Friday, April 1, 2022
Running Time: 10:00
Page Title: Get the droops!
Contents |
Transcript
STRONG BAD: And I can check my wha? And you can check your wha. If I can check my wha, then you can {rhythmic mumbles}
S to the Bad,
I'm about to become a Dad but I don't know the
first thing about raising a kid. Do you have
any tips or suggestions on how best to care for
a baby?
Mike
Riverview, FL
{Strong Bad reads "S to the Bad" as "Stothe Bad" and "FL" as "for life".}
STRONG BAD: {typing} Don't sweat it, Mike. You're already on the right track by coming to me first. Instead of, ya know, like, your parents or a medical professional or any number of {text begins to become smaller as his voice gets quieter} non-email checking wrestlemen. {clears screen} And while I'm no dad meself, I actually do have some expertise on the subject. Turns out we all had to try out some child rearing in one of the nebulous health classes {The "health classes" text becomes wavy, distorted and starts to grow. The entire screen dims except the area around those words, while various "spooky" sound effects play. Traffic sounds also play. Eventually, the words and screen return to normal with a "pop" sound effect, and Strong Bad continues} that we for some reason allow Coach Z to teach us.
{Cut to a panning shot of Marzipan, Homestar and Strong Bad looking questioningly at bags of banana pudding.}
STRONG BAD: {voiceover} We were all given sammich bags full of banana puddin' to take care of as practice for raisin' a baby.
{Cut to Coach Z, standing by a sign reading "HEY! A GOOD PERSON" with an arrow pointing at Coach Z himself.}
COACH Z: All right, potential parental units, you all have your R.H.B's, {produces his own bag of pudding} or as we in the medical field call ‘em: {He turns the page on the sign, showing a drawing of a bag of pudding with a face on it labeled:} “Real Human Babies”. Now, the next 18 to 35 years o' yer life are gonna revolve around keepin' this thing alive-slash-in a wi-fi hotspot. {He turns the page again, showing the pudding with a smartphone with a wi-fi symbol over its head.}
{Cut to Strong Bad}
STRONG BAD: How is this slopsack anything like a real human baby?
{Cut to Coach Z}
COACH Z: Exaca like an R.H.B.! It's small, it's mushy, smells like plastic, and it's fulla yellow goop! And whichever one o' youse keeps theirs alive the longest—
{Cut to the King of Town, who has opened his bag and is slurping up the last of the pudding through a straw.}
KING OF TOWN: And I'm out! {leaves}
{Cut back to Coach Z.}
COACH Z: —gets a different bag of pistachio puddin' {holds up bag of pistachio pudding} as a reward!
{Cut to Homestar and Strong Bad}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {mumbling, with a different pose for each line as though imitating a whole crowd:} Oh, sounds pretty good! Didja hear? Pistachio pudding! Bag of pudding! Have you heard the latest news? Not a bad pudding! Sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Whadja say? I wasn't listening.
{Strong Bad gives Homestar an annoyed expression as crickets chirp for a few seconds.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: What? I can be a one-man hubbub.
{Cut to Coach Z}
COACH Z: Now get out there in that fierld and show me some defense!
{A whistle sounds as the scene wipes to Homestar, Marzipan, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, and The Cheat shuffling around on a football field with Coach Z's silhouette in the foreground.}
ALL BUT COACH Z: {indistinct grunts}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: shimmy shimmy...
COACH Z: Or... I mean... do all the good baby stuff and whatnot.
{Silhouettes of the six students appear, break off into pairs, and walk away from each other. A drum beat starts.}
STRONG BAD: {voiceover} And so, we paired off into... er, pairs, and set off to experience the ponders of warenting.
{A splash screen with those last four words appears.}
SINGERS: The ponders of warenting!
{Cut to Strong Bad and The Cheat. The Cheat is holding the corner of the bag of pudding in his mouth. Its seal has come undone, and some of the pudding has dripped down to the floor.}
STRONG BAD: Don't hold her like that! She'll get the droops! You gotta hold her by the corners. Like you would a real baby.
THE CHEAT: {with an upset expression} {The Cheat noises}
STRONG BAD: Well this ain't no Cheat-pup! Give it here! {He takes the bag and holds it up by the corners.} There there, pud-wad. Let's just settle down and scoop your brains back in. {He kneels down and starts scooping the pudding off the floor and back into the bag.} Like you would a real baby.
{The splash screen returns, still reading "The Ponders of Warenting".}
SINGERS: The ponders of warenting!
{Cut to Strong Sad, who has his bag of pudding sitting on top of some paper towels, with safety pins and a jar of talcum powder nearby.}
STRONG SAD: Oookay, gotta change this baby. Let's see... {cut to a view from above the bag, looking at Strong Sad} Triangle, quarter to tip, tuck down, scrimshaw right, scrimshaw left, and done!
{Cut back to show the bag of pudding now sitting in a paper hat. Strong Mad appears, holding an origami crane with banana pudding dripping from it.}
STRONG MAD: I FORGOT TO SCRIMSHAW LEFT!
{The splash screen returns, still reading "The Ponders of Warenting".}
SINGERS: The ponders of warenting!
{Cut to Strong Bad and The Cheat, walking toward the King of Town, who is behind a host podium at what appears to be a restaurant. A sign above them reads "SteaKasTle", with a T-bone steak in place of the "T". Strong Bad is wearing a baby carrier holding his and The Cheat's pudding bag.}
STRONG BAD: Say there, local proprietor! My coparent {indicating The Cheat} and I were wondering if this is a family-friendly establishment.
KING OF TOWN: Oh, sure! I've been friendly to families at least a couple of times. Maybe you guys will get lucky! {winks while a "splat" sound effect plays}
STRONG BAD: {recoiling} Never wink at me again. {turns back to the King} Table for two, please, plus a highchair.
KING OF TOWN: I've got this '70s highchair. {turns around}
{Wipe to a rusty bear trap on chair legs with a rubber duck sitting inside it and cobwebs hanging from it. It shakes for a moment, and the trap snaps shut, severing the duck's head. A bubble appears above it reading "APPROVED BY 70's PEDIATRICIANS".}
STRONG BAD: Ooooh, uh, {cut back to the three characters} maybe I'll just put her in my lap. You got a kids menu?
KING OF TOWN: I've got this '70s kids menu.
{He produces a menu, which we then see in closeup. The top of the menu reads "SteaKasTle Kids' menu". On the left is a picture of a steak, labeled "Steak (Market Price)". Next to it is an "Activity Maze!", which is an empty rectangle with right-pointing arrows at the left ("start") and right ("end") labeled "Help the Steak get to the Cigar for smooth enjoyment! On the right is a lit cigar labeled "Cigars (Vincent Price)".}
LADY: {voiceover} Oh, Barbara, what a riot!
{A bubble appears over the menu reading "APPROVED BY 70'S MOMS".}
LADY: {voiceover} Let's order one for the kids! I'll eat their cigars if they don't finish.
{The bubble's text changes to "SHUT UP, LADY!" Cut back to the characters, with Strong Bad looking extremely annoyed.}
STRONG BAD: Do I even wanna know the condition of your '70s bathroom?
KING OF TOWN: It's more like a seventeen-seventies bathroom. {turns around}
{Cut to a hole in the ground near the King's castle with bricks around it, a sign reading "the privy, prithee", and a roll of toilet paper reading "strides of great progreſſ" and "progreſſo soup". The Poopsmith leans out from behind the castle, giving the thumbs up, and then smirks. Cut back to Strong Bad, The Cheat, and the King.}
STRONG BAD: {recoiling again} Gah! Unexpected Poopsmirk! That's it, we're going to a real family restaurant! {He and The Cheat turn to leave, and then both abruptly stop as Strong Bad turns around to say:} Like the micro-brewery! {They continue, then stop again.} Or a craft distillery! {They continue, then stop again.} Or that vape shop that also sells hot fries!
{The splash screen returns, still reading "The Ponders of Warenting".}
SINGERS: The ponders of warenting!
{Cut to Homestar and Marzipan in Marzipan's kitchen. Homestar is wearing goggles and has a clothespin on his chin. A bag of pudding is on the counter, with a potted plant nearby.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: It's also important that we never water the plants in front of her. {He pushes the plant away from the bag.} Babies have inverse agricultural tendencies when they're this young. "Inverse" means "opposite", Marzipan, so she might grow up thinking you should never water plants! And that's just wrong. Just plain old dang old wrong. You have to water plants, Marzipan. With sunlight.
MARZIPAN: {looming over Homestar more and more with each word, but constantly smiling and in a friendly voice} You have no idea what you're talking about, and I disagree with everything that comes out of your mouth, you lump of underbitten cluelessness.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {incredibly confused} Um, are you okay? It's like mean-say Marzipan's brain is coming out of nice-say Marzipan's face!
MARZIPAN: {stepping back from Homestar} Babies understand tone and body language. So it's very important that she doesn't know how much we hate each other until she's in college.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oooohh! Mean-say mean-say!
{The splash screen returns, now reading "The Donders of Warranty".}
SINGERS: The donders of warranty!
{Cut to a tablet, showing a screen with a diaper with a face and reading "SCREENBY SITTER". A bag of pudding is taped to it. The diaper on the tablet hovers around and speaks.}
SCREENBY SITTER: Eh-heh-heh-heh! You're doing great! Your parents are busy!
{Strong Sad's hand appears and picks up the tablet.}
STRONG SAD: Strong Mad!
{Cut to the door of Strong Mad's room. Strong Mad's silhouette is in the foreground, while Strong Sad holds the tablet and bag.}
STRONG SAD: Did you tape the baby to a tablet so you could play video games on a different tablet for six hours?
STRONG MAD: A DIFFERENT MORE EXPENSIVE TABLET!
{The screen pans over and Strong Mad comes into focus. He holds up a larger tablet than the first, which has "CLAPPING PARTY MOBILE!" playing on it. The tablet shines and the word "PRO" emanates from it.}
NARRATOR: Pro!
SCREENBY SITTER: Eh-heh-heh-heh! Don't turn me off! I can teach you about... {considers for a moment} screens!
{The splash screen returns, now reading "The Jodhpurs of Clarencing".}
SINGERS: The jodhpurs of clarencing!
{Cut to Homestar, wearing a gray jacket, holding a cup of Hot Jones, and staring at a smartphone. Behind him is a swing set in a sandbox. One bag of pudding is sitting in a swing, while another sits nearby with a toy shovel planted in the ground next to it.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: What's that, sweetie? Daddy's working! {drinks some Jones} Uh huh, I see! That's great, sweetie! That's... some real... development... right there, that's... fine motor. Mommydaddy's so proud of you!
{The bag in the swing falls out of it, bumping into the other bag.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oopsie! Did someone have a fall-down-badoopsie?
{Strong Bad suddenly runs up.}
STRONG BAD: Hey! Your kid owes my kid an apology!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, they're just little puddin's. I doubt that was on purpose.
STRONG BAD: Kids don't just do stuff like that! That is some learned behavior! Is that the kind of messed-up stuff you're teaching there at the Star-Runner household?! {jumps up and hovers in place} Pushin' kids around in the sandbox?! {Homestar walks up to the bags as Strong Bad continues to hover} Er, where are you going? I didn't... I... {falls}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, sorry. I gotta post this. This is just adorable!
{He holds up his phone to the bags as Strong Bad kneels next to him.}
STRONG BAD: Oh, good call. That is adorable. {smiling} Look up here, sweetie! Can you wave?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Everybody say "The Cheat"!
STRONG BAD: The Cheat!
{Homestar takes the picture.}
STRONG BAD: {still smiling} Still gonna badmouth you online at the preschool forums.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, yeah, totally, totally.
{Homestar takes another picture. The "Ponders of Warenting" music plays, with no singers, as it cuts back to Coach Z in the classroom. The sign now shows a large bag of pudding, sticking out its tongue, with a graduation cap, reading "Fully Licensed Rents".}
COACH Z: Well clarss, you did it! You're all fully prepared to have kids!
STRONG BAD: But we all kept them alive, so who wins the pistachio pudding?
COACH Z: Well I do, of course!
STRONG BAD: What why? {collapses on the desk}
COACH Z: {Pulls up a discolored plastic bag with a dark brown substance in it.} I've been keeping little Absorby Junior here alive since I was your age! {Coach Z nuzzles the bag.} Ain't that right, Absorby?
{The scene pans to Strong Bad and the other classmates, who all look disgusted and mutter to themselves.}
COACH Z: {offscreenn} Who's daddy's little puddin'? Who's daddy little baby?
{Cut back to Coach Z, who taps the bag.}
COACH Z: {singing} Ba dorn dang dorn dorn dang dang dorn!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Truly distasteful.
{Scene cuts back to Strong Bad on his computer.}
STRONG BAD: {typing} And so Mike Morkleson, {stops typing} I-I don't know if that's your last name but you just seemed like a real Morkleson {resumes typing} thus ended my brief foray into the soirée of fatherhood. I've distilled it all down into {types "to" instead} 3 main points, so you can remember: {clears screen} Number one: {typed as "1."} Babies are totally boring for the first nine months. Give to Grandma. 2. Keep a drawer full of useless keys and TV remotes for some reasons. {not typed} And number {typed} 3. That much ballyhooed 'new baby smell' people are always talking about, {Strong Bad starts shouting} it just smells like crap! Babies just smell like crap! {The next line is typed in yellow at an angle} You just get used to it!! {The next line is typed in orange, slightly larger, at a different angle.} Don't let 'em fool you! {The next line is typed in red, even larger, and at yet another angle.} It's not a good smell! {Strong Bad stops typing and raises his fist.} BABIES SMELL LIKE CRAAAAAAAP! {Strong Bad falls over from his desk.}
NARRATOR STRONG BAD: {The CGI Paper comes down.} C-G-eeow!
{After a few moments, cut to a fake autoplay of "Top Ten Things You Missed in the Peasant's Quest Trailer", with an image of live-acted Rather Dashing. Then, cut to the SteaKasTle sign.}
SINGERS: SteaKasTle! {The text on the sign moves forward while the sign dims out. The following tagline appears as the singers sing it:} "We put two steaks in our name!"
NARRATOR: One is the word "steak!" {The "Steak" in the name is underlined.} The other is the letter T. {A red arrow points to the T-turned-steak.}
{Cut to another fake autoplay of "Why You Should NEVER Say 'Boat Take' in Public", with an image of Strong Sad covering his mouth. Then, cut to a blue screen as "Styles Upon Styles" text bounces in.}
NARRATOR: Styles Upon Styles presents:
{Cut to Homestar and Strong Bad at the playground, posing together, both in their gray jackets. Both are holding their phones, Homestar is holding his cup of Hot Jones, and both have sunglasses on their heads - Strong Bad's on his forehead, and Homestar's on the back of his head.}
NARRATOR: The Dads at the Playground collection.
{Rapid closeup cuts, followed by a cut to the two characters' silhouettes on opposite sides of the swingset, while "Dads at the Playground" is written at the bottom of the screen. Cut back to the previous scene of the two posing.}
STRONG BAD: I make waffles every Saturday, and leave the kitchen a huge mess.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I talk about coaching lacrosse, and... coaching lacrosse.
{Cut to an orange screen. Their gray jackets come into view.}
NARRATOR: Vests! {sunglasses appear over the jackets} Sunglasses! ...That's pretty much it, really. These guys are pretty one-note.
{Another fake autoplay shows up, now showing "Homepage Shared Cinematic Universe REVEALED", with images of various home pages in the background. Then, cut to Homestar in front of a microphone.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {mumbling as though imitating a crowd} What did he say? I didn't hear! Sounds a little abnormal. He'll rue the day! I don't like that!
{Cut to Alex Hirsch, talking to Homestar through a video screen.}
ALEX HIRSCH: That was incredible, One-Man Hubbub! Nailed it again! Um, next we got a crowd, uh, fleeing a meteor. {Homestar nods} If you could sprinkle in a few old ladies.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Okay.
ALEX HIRSCH: Any time you're ready.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Got it. {Cut to Homestar as he acts out the role:} Watch out! It's coming hither! Oh no, my house! I've gotta keep running in this direction! Look, Maudelaide, it's a twister! I thought he said it was a meteor! Well, either way, book club's been canceled!
{Cut to the screen, as Alex Hirsch laughs.}
ALEX HIRSCH: Hahahahahaha! That's why you're the One-Man Hubbub! You're crackin' up everybody back here! Uh, next we got a courtroom, maybe scandalized murmur. For added difficulty, throw in a bailiff.
{Cut to the mic.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I can't believe it's true! Did you hear?! I wonder what that's all about! Well I never! {unintelligible mumbling} Your honor, did you eat my dirty sammich?
{Cut to the screen.}
ALEX HIRSCH: Hahahahahaha! {claps hands} We got it, folks, we got it! You can't improve on perfection!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Why thank you. {Alex doesn't respond and keeps talking to someone on his end} Am I done?
ALEX HIRSCH: Yeah, yeah, so, if we could take—
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hello?
ALEX HIRSCH: If we could take—
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Can I go?
ALEX HIRSCH: —B, C, and F...
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Producer man? Excuse me?
ALEX HIRSCH: {still not paying attention} Nah, not D. Not D.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I can hear what you're saying.
ALEX HIRSCH: That one was weird.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: It's really—
ALEX HIRSCH: Popping P's.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: —unprofessional!
{Alex hits a button.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I think your button's broken! {still no response} Producer man! I'm fired!
Fun Facts
Trivia
- This email's release was also announced in a Trogdor!! The Board Game Kickstarter update:
It has been many years! Remember back in 2018 when one of the Stretch Goals in our campaign for Trogdor!! The Board Game was that we'd make a Strong Bad Email from a question submitted by our backers?
No? Neither do most folks, prolly!
Here's the original post about it:
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1999933720/trogdor-the-board-game/posts/2241235
But WE remembered and now, after 4 years, we finally finished the thang ding!
https://youtu.be/qUDejhGOG6s
Not an April Fool's Joke! Just a long-forgotten cartoon that we decided to complete!
Hope you all enjoy it! Sorry for the takelong!- The email question was posted by backer Michael Irigoyen.
- The spoonerism "thang ding" was previously used by Strong Bad in too cool and Trogdor!! The Board Game Playthrough.
- This ended a four-year hiatus for Strong Bad Emails.
- This is the longest email to date, surpassing retirement by two and a half minutes including Easter eggs.
- This email was teased by the @StrongBadActual Twitter account on Jan 14 2019, May 16 2019, May 21 2021, and Jan 26 2022.
Remarks
- Strong Bad says he is not a father himself, but in secret identity he claimed to be one.
Goofs
- When the "The Ponders of Warenting" splash screen appears in the scene where Strong Sad and Strong Mad finish changing the bag's diaper, the pudding leaking from Strong Mad's origami crane disappears.
- When Strong Bad types out "Don't let 'em fool you!", the exclamation mark is cropped off from the right.
Inside References
- The email intro song first appeared on Homestar Runner Original Soundtrack Volume 3.
- The Lappier's shrinking text while Strong Bad mutters "checking wrestlemen" is similar to that of "linebacker" in kids' book.
- "The Ponders of Warenting" is a spoonerism.
- Strong Mad plays Clapping Party Mobile.
- Young children were also prompted to "Say 'The Cheat'" in for kids.
- The YouTube Related Video Thumbnails reference:
- Peasant's Quest Movie Trailer
- My Boat Take
- Main Pages 1, 20, 8, 15, 16, 19, 21, 26, and 18
- The Styles Upon Styles "Dads at the Playground" Collection recalls modeling.
- Homestar's mention of "mean-say" and "nice-say" Marzipan is reminiscent of "wrong-say" and "right-say" Homestar in Haunted Photo Booth.
Real-World References
- Strong Bad's intro song is reminiscent of the chorus to "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim.
- The bag of pudding is a satire on a common health or home economics class assignment where students are required to carry around a baby stand-in for a week. Popular stand-ins include a bag of flour, a hollowed egg shell, or a doll that cries randomly. The intention is to give students practice with infant care, and students may fail the assignment if the stand-in is lost or damaged before the allotted time is up.
- When Homestar portrays a bailiff, his head is shaved in the style of Richard Moll, whom he previously mentioned in car.
- The SteaKasTle kids' menu mentions actor Vincent Price.
External Links
| April Fools' Day |
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