portrait

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Revision as of 22:22, 5 December 2005

Done by a Deutsch Master

Strong Bad Email #139

Strong Bad tries to make a portrait of himself.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner, Strong Mad

Places: Computer Room, Strong Mad's Room, Strong Bad's Basement, The Field (Easter Egg)

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: December 4, 2005

Running Time: 3:37

Transcript

STRONG BAD: Hey everybody, it's a musical Strong Bad Email this week! {presses enter} {singing} Doo doo doo Dear, Dear Strong Bad, oh I was wondering—{stops singing} I can't keep this up.

subject: portrait

Dear Strong Bad-
I was wondering if you ever wanted to have somebody
paint a portrait of  your greatness.
guess what, it's-
Dylan Bragers (aka Coolio da Fabio)
Texas

STRONG BAD: {typing} Guess what? Nobody calls you Coolio da Fabio (aka quit making up nicknames for yourself.) I'm just gonna call you Dealin' Burgers, which I assume doubles as an accurate job description.

{Clears screen.}

STRONG BAD: Moving onwardly, I suppose my greatness is worthy of portraiture. Perhaps one done by a Deutsch Master.

{Cut to a portrait of Strong Bad holding a toy with a duck's head on the end.}

STRONG BAD: The kind that are always getting stolen or vandalized by art bandits.

{The Cheat appears from the top and paints a robotank with spraypaint and a stencil, along with the words "RAD, RAD ROBOTANK".}

STRONG BAD: {not typing} Thanks little buddy; now it's worth something.

THE CHEAT: {makes noises like Strong Bad is welcome}

{Cut back to the Lappy.}

STRONG BAD: {resumes typing} Or what about one of those black and white ink portraits you see in all the rich-guy newspapers.

{Cut to a rich-guy newspaper. An image of Strong Bad holding a cell phone is on it.}

STRONG BAD: Well apparently they're not rich enough to afford any color. Or even solid lines... Just a bunch of dots and dashes. I look like Morse Code. {imitates speaking as though in Morse Code} Dah dah dah dee dee dee... I-I a-am h-hold-i-ing a-a r-re-eal-ly o-old c-cell ph-phone.

{Cut back to the Lappy. The screen has cleared.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Oops. No. Hey, I got it! A painting of such greatness demands only the finest materials. And what could be finer than black velvet in a cheap imitation wood frame? It would be showcased—

{Cut to the velvet painting. It shows Strong Bad holding a skunk. A lamp with a moose on it can be seen to the left.}

STRONG BAD: —in only the fanciest double-wide trailers. Oh, and look! I finally caught that skunk. I been chasing after that little scamp for—Whoa!—

{The shot suddenly shifts to the right to reveal a poster of a unicorn. Another moose lamp is seen on the right.}

STRONG BAD: —Is that a blacklight poster of a unicorn riding a snowmobile?! Now that is some esteemed company.

{A Cold One Ice flies at the lamp and shatters it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Thanks for breaking my moose lamp.

{Cut back to the Lappy.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Unfortunately, I don't know anybody with a useless Master of Fine Arts degree, so I might have to settle for something a bit more, how you say, made by Strong Mad or The Cheat.

{Cut to The Cheat, who is noisily gnawing Strong Bad's face into a log.}

STRONG BAD: Very... uh, slobbery, The Cheat. This isn't quite what I had in mind when you said "sculpture."

{Music starts playing.}

STRONG BAD: You're really just... goin' to town there, aren't ya?

{Strong Bad stares at The Cheat working for a moment.}

STRONG BAD: I'm gonna {motioning with his glove} leave you two alone.

{Strong Bad backs away. Cut to Strong Mad's room. Strong Mad is sprinkling glitter over a macaroni picture. Strong Bad walks up.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, nice work, Chef Boyardee.

{Cut to a close-up of the picture.}

STRONG BAD: Like I couldn't have gone down to the kindergarten and hired a five-year-old to make me one of those.

{Cut back to the wide shot.}

STRONG BAD: ...Except that sounds pretty creepy and I'd probably go to jail.

STRONG MAD: I'LL WAIT FOR YOU!!

{Cut back to the Lappy. Strong Bad sits down.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Well, thanks to my no-talent minions, it looks like a self-portrait is the only way to go. And I will render it in nothing less than the classic style of the Trüe Mästers.

{Cut to a shot of Strong Bad, who has somehow fit his head into a wooden cutout of a muscular man holding a sword with a keyboard on it. The man has "SB" written on his stomach and is holding a falcon. His one visible leg wears a boot that looks vaguely similar to a 'Lectric Boot. There are also two cans of paint nearby, labeled "Some Paint" and "Some More Paint". There is also a cutout of a mermaid at his feet with an empty space for a head. He paints it with a small brush.}

STRONG BAD: Ah, at last: A self-portrait that accurately depicts who I am, where I'm from, and my passing interest in falconry.

{He tries to get out.}

STRONG BAD: Uh, oh. {keeps trying} How do I get outta this thing?

{Cut to the reverse angle. He can be seen hanging by his head.}

STRONG BAD: How did I get into this thing? {kicks his legs together a few times}

{Cut back to the front view. He holds up the duck-head toy from the first portrait.}

STRONG BAD: {making the bird talk} Quack, quack.

{Cut to a close-up.}

STRONG BAD: Why, Lord Quackingstick, how nice to see you. You don't happen to have a hacksaw in your pocket, do you? {making the bird talk} Quack, quack.

{Cut back to the wide shot.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, too bad. {looking down at the mermaid} Well, what about you, Princess Shellbra?

{He moves the bird-on-a-stick into the face hole for the mermaid.}

STRONG BAD: {making the bird talk in a high, sultry voice} Quack, quack. {speaking normally} But of course. I love to serenade you anytime with my {looks down to his right} mystical key-sword-tar. I mean it's not like I'm goin' anywhere... anytime soon.

{The Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

• Click the white card by the portrait by the Deutsch Master to see an "Adventures of Strong Badman" comic book.
• Click the key-sword-tar at the end to see a printable version of the robotank stencil the Cheat used to vandalize the painting.
• Click Lord Quackingstick at the end to see Strong Bad show off his key-sword-tar to Homestar.

{Cut to The Field with Homestar and Strong Bad holding the key-sword-tar, his head still in the hole, although it has been broken off from the rest of the portrait.}

STRONG BAD: So that's when I realized I don't even need lamaze classes.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad, there's something different about you. Did you get a haircut?

STRONG BAD: No, but I did get this new key-sword-tar. Maow, maow, maoooooooow. {falsetto} Keyboard, keyboooooard. {normal} Maow, maow, maooooooooow. {falsetto} Fight some brigands!! {Homestar holds up a SAAB lighter, Strong Bad's voice returns to normal} Maow Maow, Maoooow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-owwowwoww-whammy-barrrrruh.

Fun Facts

Explanations

• Deutsch is the German word for "german".
• Falconry is the art or sport of training raptors (birds of prey) to hunt or pursue game.

Trivia

• This email was released late Sunday night Atlanta time, but the website claimed that its release date was on Monday.
• The card next to the first portrait reads:

Strongio da Baddio
DaVantres
c. 1658

• The picture's captions read "Sell phones or Cell phones?" above and "Strong Bad" below. A lower headline reads "Banks have "money"".
• The left side of the newspaper reads:

Mulligatawny
stew rose high in
the markets today
fter rumors spread
a really sweet deal
over at my place
usually get started
d nine and go until
who knows when!
Pork bellies will be
erved around 8-ish.
tures to follow at 9
ase bring your own
pkins if you're into
 that crap. Not me.
ipe hands on pants,
 yo. Anyways, I'm
ally rich and money
s still very valuable.

• The right side of the newspaper reads:

Gigantic cell phone
making a 4th quart
comeback as the the "it'
toy of the Decemberwe
season. "Who wants to
put a phone in their poc
when you can carry aro
a seperate suitcase just
for a portable, wireless
mobile, take-anywhere
cellular telephone. Ma
analysts predict all the
cool kids will be luggi
these stylish jobbies fr
prom dance to soccer
practice in 2006.
 "I want a cell phone
that is quite large," say
the sleepy rabbit.
The technology sector is anticipating
other woodland creatures to be amon
early adopters of the new technology

Remarks

• Homestar's lighter in the key-sword-tar Easter egg is a Saab lighter, as opposed to Strong Bad's BMW one.
• The fours in The Cheat's 4rt b4ndit shirt are another example of Leetspeak in the toons.
• Strong Bad mentions a whammy bar, or tremelo arm, while playing his key-sword-tar (a pun on the Keytar). However, only actual guitars have these.

Goofs

• The second small line on the right newspaper paragraph repeats the word "the".
• In the Easter Egg, when Strong Bad is moving the cardboard cutout of the key-sword-tar around, the picture reverses direction.
• Because of the umlaut over the A, "Mästers" should be pronounced "May-sters"

Inside References

• Homestar's line "Thanks for breaking my moose lamp" is a reference to caper, where he thanked Strong Bad and The Cheat for breaking his cow lamp.
• A Strong Badman comic appeared in connection with a "Deutschman" in haircut.
• The velvet painting of Strong Bad holding the skunk was done by Lem Sportsinterviews.
• The gnawing pose for The Cheat was last used in personal favorites. In the DVD commentary, The Brothers Chaps mention wanting to use that pose again.
• Strong Bad has a blacklight unicorn painting, as seen in the Strong Bad's Room Main Page.
• The School Paste in Strong Mad's room was first seen in Strong Sad's room in the Email depressio.
• The tune that Strong Bad uses to sing the opening lines of the e-mail is the same as the tune to the "Pardon Our Problems" sign at the end of Fall Float Parade.

Real-World References

• Mulligatawny is a kind of soup.
• The Rad Rad Robotank is likely a double-reference to Transformers (the head is that of Optimus Prime), and to the Newgrounds.com logo (the overall pose is very similar).
  • The fact that it appears as a stencil is possibly a jab at Newgrounds' tendency to encourage people to place their promotional stickers everywhere.
• Chef Boyardee was an Italian chef who is famous for his canned food franchise.
• The black and white portrait of Strong Bad bears a strong resemblence to ones found in The Wall Street Journal, which is probably the "rich-guy newspaper" he was referring to.
• Lamaze is a relaxation technique designed to avoid the use of pain-killing drugs during childbirth.

External Links

• Watch "portrait"
• View the Flash File for "portrait"
• forum thread re: portrait