property of ones

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A needlepoint moral

Strong Bad talks about Cold Ones, with a few tweaks at standard algebra.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad

Places: Computer Room

Computer: Tandy 400

Date: August 5, 2002

Running Time: 1:17

Page Title: Tandy 400: Still Bloke

Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} Gimme some of this and gimme some of thiiiiis... Gimme some of this. {stops singing}

{Strong Bad pronounces TX as "Tejas"}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Aw, Dan, you dodged a bullet, man. Because lemme tell you... a One that is not cold, is scarcely a One at all. Allow me to demonstrate with one of my bogus mathematical theorems. {stops typing} I call it {resumes typing} "The Property of Ones." {stops typing} It goes like this: {resumes typing} The ONEitude is directly proportional to the Colditude of the ONE. So you got that, Dan? The colder it is, the more of a one it is. Because you don't want to end up with a Cold None. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. But now in foreign lands, they've been known to drink {stops typing} Not So Cold Ones {a bottle of "Not So Cold One" appears}, Room Temperature Ones {a bottle of "Room Temp-A-Ture One" appears}, and even Warm Ones {a bottle of "Wärm Öne" appears}. Whoah! {clears screen, resumes typing} But where I come from, it's CUH-HOLD ONES. Though I have to admit, on certain evenings in late spring, a Cool One can be very refreshing. {stops typing} Ooh... That's good one.

{A needlepoint picture of three "Cold One" bottles with the caption "A One That Isn't Cold, Is Scarcely A One At All" appears on the screen. The Paper comes down.}

Fun Facts

Remarks

• The needlepoint saying is improperly punctuated; it shouldn't have a comma between "cold" and "is."

Trivia

• This is the last email that has no Easter Eggs until email #133, "bottom 10"
• The bottle of Not So Cold One states that they are served at "90 degrees or higher." This would make them far warmer than Room Temp-a-ture Ones, room temperature being somewhere in the low to mid 70s, but cooler than Warm Ones, which come "straight from the oven."

Inside References

• Strong Bad refers to the Property of Ones as "one of [his] bogus mathematical theorems" — the first was the Transitive Butt property in butt IQ.

Real-World References

• The page title, "Still bloke" may be a reference to the Japanese language pronouncing "l" and "r" the same. When switched, it's "broke", which actually fits contextually.
• It is possible that this is a double reference, since the "foreign land" where they drink Wärm Önes would be assumed to be England or the British Isles, where a "bloke" is a casual reference to a male, generally equivalent to the vernacular "guy".
• Cold ones is possibly a reference to something being cold. Possibly an alcholic beverage. Could also be a reference to the Christopher Pike novel, The Cold One. Which is a double reference because that novel now sells for \$0.01 from a major book seller, qualifying it to be "Cheap as Free".

Fast Forward

• The Brothers Chaps later created a strange needlepoint animation using the same corkboard and wall background seen at the end of this toon. It can only be accessed by going here.
• Strong Bad later pronounces Texas like Tejas in boring (really).