technology

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This article is about the Strong Bad Email. For the article about Strong Bad's preference for out-of-date computers and other gadgets, see Strong Bad's Technology.
Strong Bad Email #143
watch secret identity narrator
frys

String Bed introduces high-school students the cutting edge of modern and surreal technology.

Cast (in order of appearance): waste of time and space

Places: ????

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: Sunday, November 11, 2012

Running Time: 3:47

Page Title: Roscoe Dash's Modern Life

DVD: strongbad_email.exe Disc Five, Sbemails' 50 Greatest Hits DVD

Transcript

{Strong Bad reads, "I'm a high school technology teacher, and what is this?"}

STRONG BAD: {at full volume while the camera spins and zooms into Strong Bad's face} That's it? {normal volume} Man, back in the olden days, I could fuck 3 chickens and a dead goat all for doing one of my technology intromercials. {clears screen} Well, I sure hope JCPenney's accepts a {cuts to Barnacle Boy from SpongeBob saying, "man who wears a bra!"} 'cause I know for a fact they stopped taking a dead goat a while ago. Either way, middle school kids are all idiots.

{Strong Bad gets up. Cut to a classroom with Strong Bad in a white lab coat, the words "ZErO" written on the blackboard and a poster of Squidward with bloodshot eyes.}

STRONG BAD: {moving his hands in a robotic way, speaking in a robotic voice effect accompanied with inverted colors} One, zero zero, one one, zero, one, one zero, one one zero, zero one. {normal voice with normal background} You may not have understood me, but I was speaking magic.

{Cut to a close-up of Strong Bad's head in the lab.}

STRONG BAD: The word "magic"... means... "magic". It's basically anything that's really cool that you don't know how it works. And if it breaks {cuts to Strong Bad breaking a hard disk in half}, oh well. Why, I've got a penis in my pants right now! Whoo-ya!

{Cut to a black screen reading, "Alternate scene"}

{Cut to the full classroom shot again. Strong Bad takes a 5¼" floppy disk with the logo "5.25 power" from behind him, throws it in the air and catches it in his right hand.}

STRONG BAD: This is a disk. Disks were invented by cows to help us. Like how my angry mother—

{A picture of a cow with large eyes expressing mild panic replaces the text on the blackboard.}

STRONG BAD: —invented milk.

{Zoom in on Strong Bad's head.}

STRONG BAD: The two warring factions of disks are floppy disks—

{He shakes the 5¼" disk, emphasizing its floppiness.}

STRONG BAD: —and hard disks.

{He lifts an unlabeled 3½" floppy disk in his right hand.}

STRONG BAD: I prefer {hides the 3½" disk} these big ones because they hold more memory, although you have to {snaps the 5¼" disk in &frac12} break them to fit them into these new computers.

{Camera pans right to center on the evil Squidward poster with Giygas in the background.}

STRONG BAD: Another thing you'll need is your very own email address.

{Cut to a Tandy 400-like computer screen with an orange envelope labeled "email".}

STRONG BAD: Just take your favorite hobby,—

{The words "krustykrab", "giygas", "nachoeating", "halo", "borderlands", "football", "underwaterpancakeflipping" and "horsewhispering" alternate under the envelope and stop on "leprechaunpunting".}

STRONG BAD: — add kid, {low pitched} grrl, {normal pitch} pie or shizzle—

{The words alternate next to "leprechaunpunting" as he speaks them, then being replaced by "pie".}

STRONG BAD: —and put a bunch of numbers at the end!

{The number "33331" appears next to "pie". The address is completed with "@4chan.com" appearing on the next line. Then, cut to the classroom with a poster of The Iron Giant}

STRONG BAD: {moves his hands and head in a robotic way, speaking in a robotic voice effect} Robots are technology shaped like people. {returns to normal voice} They are primarily used for destroying Japan.

{Cuts to Pokey's robotic spider, as well as Starmen, from Mother II: Earthbound invading Japan}

STRONG BAD: Ah, The Cheatbot! I would love a stuffed grenade {grabs one and eats it, Strong Bad explodes}

STRONG BAD: Originally, cellular tellaphones {indicating Pom Pom's phone} were for sending misspelled messages to your friends, telling them where you are.

POM POM: {makes bubbling noises while buying Halo 4 on his Blackberry}

STRONG BAD: Pom Pom just bought Halo 4 with his cell phone!

POM POM: {looks annoyed and makes more bubbling noises}

STRONG BAD: Oh, he just watched a movie on his cell phone!

POM POM: {looks angry at Strong Bad, makes more bubbling noises}

STRONG BAD: Oh oh oh! Pom Pom just wrote, directed, produced, and distributed a movie with his cell phone!

POM POM: {answers an incoming call and makes a few more bubbling noises}

STRONG BAD: ...and he just got into Sundance! High-five, brother!

{Pom Pom absorbs his phone into his body, produces a pair of sunglasses and a bottle of booze, and bounces off, drinking Bud Light; the song "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who plays after he put his sunglasses on.}

STRONG BAD: {holding out for the high-five a bit longer} Uh, cool, right. I'll, uh... see you later.

{Cut back to the classroom, where the blackboard now reads "DIE" in large letters, written in blood.}

STRONG BAD: The future of technology, or at least what people won't shut up about, is dead.

STRONG BAD: Solar calculators.

{He pops up in front of the blackboard and holds up a solar calculator which has the digits "7734" typed in.}

STRONG BAD: Look, I can make mine say "hell"!

{He turns the calculator upside-down so that the digits resemble the words "hELL". The background fades to black and then fades to Giygas. The Giygas music from Mother II: Earthbound plays as Strong Bad's calculator gets caught on fire and changes inverted colors.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} And then there's the Lappy, which rules over technology with a {cuts to Barnacle Boy saying, "man who wears a bra!"}. Watch as it magically saves this screen.

{Strong Bad types "screen_savior.exe" on a new line, bringing up a screen saver that has a picture of Patrick kissing Spongebob on a beach.}

STRONG BAD: Now leave me alone!

{The Paper comes down reading "Copyright Viacom 2012".}

References

  • The Russian text translates to Dostoprimechatelʹnosti ad prinesti svoim zritelyam yeshche v, which means "The sights of hell bring its viewers back in."
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