Peasant's Quest Responses

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The Peasant's Quest game relies on text commands to complete objectives in the game. While there are programmed responses to all of the necessary actions in the game's storyline, the game contains many responses to unproductive commands as well.

Contents

[edit] Walkthrough Messages

Spoiler warning: Plot or ending details follow.

The following are the messages displayed while completing the minimal number of tasks to achieve a perfect score. Note that different messages may be displayed for a game completed differently (e.g. if the Three Keepers' questions are answered), and that there are many other messages that may be displayed in response to inputs that are not constructive and/or not essential to completion of the game.

Points Command Response Location
0 (intro) YOU are Rather Dashing, a humble peasant living in the peasant kingdom of Peasantry.
You return home from a vacation on Scalding Lake only to find that TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR has burninated your thatched roof cottage along with all your goods and services.
With nothing left to lose, you swear to get revenge on the Wingaling Dragon in the name of burninated peasants everywhere.
3B
0 (intro) You head east towards the mountain atop which TROGDOR lives. 3C
0 (intro) That's a nice looking lake. 3D
0 (intro) You can start playing in a second here. 2D
0 (intro) Okay, go for it. 2E
1 get pebbles You grab up a handful of fairly substantial pebbles. You make sure to get an even mix of sedentary, igneous, and, um, sureptitious rocks. 3C
2 put pebbles in bucket You plunk all your pebbles into the bucket. The weight causes it to descend to the bottom of the well with a quickness! 1C
0 turn crank The crank seems to have loosened and you haul the bucket back up. What's this? Why there's a monster maskus in there! No doubt leftover from some pagan ritual. Silly pagans.
You grab up the scary moster maskus. Man, this thing could scare a horse!
1D
2 talk man "Oh, hi. I'm Mendelev," says the archer. "I used to run a shooting range here with my brother Dongolev. But we don't talk so much anymore. I haven't seen him in a Jhonka's age. If you ever run into him, tell him I said 'haldo'.
"You mean 'hello,'" you ask?
"Oh, um. No. Shut up. I said 'haldo' and I meant 'haldo.' Tell him I said 'haldo.'"
2D
2 wear mask You slip on the hideous monster maskus.
You scared the crap outta Poor Gary! He broke on through to the other side!
1A
3 haldo the archer stops arching and turns to you. "My brother told you to tell me haldo? He must want to start the old business back up!" Hidden glen
2 get arrow You pick out a really good one and yank it from the tree. Hooray! Now you have an arrow! Hidden glen
0 open door You open er up and head on in. 4D
1 get chicken feed You used to eat this stuff like crazy when you were a kid and your parents weren't watching (which was all too often). You grab several large handfuls. Baby lady cottage
0 (on leaving baby lady cottage) the baby lady calls after you, "Hey, you're on some quest right? Well, the little squirt here lost something of mine in the yard the other day. It's yours if you can find it." Baby lady cottage
0 get berries (first bush) You reach into the bush to snag some berries but they all just squish in your hand. 4D
0 get berries (second bush) Man, nothing in this bush but squished berries either. 4D
0 get berries (third bush) Too bad you don't want any squished berries, cuz hey: jackpot! 4D
2 get berries (fourth bush) You reach into the bush to snag you some berries but instead find a Super Trinket! These things are awesome! You have a sneaking suspicion that SOMEONE in this game will need this thing. 4D
2 throw chicken feed You toss the feed into the lake. You shed a tear for each one. "Goodbye, Monty" you sniff. "Bye Delga, Rasputin. Farewell, Combledon!" and so forth.
Woah! That crotchety old man just caught a pantload of fish! "Now I can get back to running the inn," he says and rows to shore and hauls his boat out and cleans, guts, and filets all the fish and a buncha other stuff we didn't animate.
3D
2 give super trinket "That'll work," says Mendelev. Just hit 3 bullseyes and you win the SuperTime FunBow TM!"
"The ARROW KEYS aim left and right and the SPACE BAR operates the bow. You'll need to press it a couple of times to get a nice shot off but we don't give lessons so you're on your own."
2C
3 (get [X]=3-5 bullseyes) "Nice shootin! [X] hits." Says Mendelev. "Here's your prize!" You got the SuperTime FunBow TM! We don't sell ammo, so you'll have to find your own arrows for it. 2C
5 shoot Kerrek with bow Here goes nothin', Kid Icarus
ARROWED!! Nice shot. You smote the Kerrek! He lay there stinking.
A light rain heralds the washing free of the Kerrek's grip on the land. You're feeling pretty good, though, so the artless symbolism doesn't bug you.
1B or 4C
10 get belt You strap the Kerrek's belt buckle around your waist. Oh boy. You sure stink now. 1B or 4C
2 (walk into mud puddle) Now you've done it! You're covered in sticky, albeit fine smelling, mud. Your "Scalding Lake" T-shirt is all soiled, too. You just washed it last harvest! 2B
3 jump into hay You've not known much better than a roll in the hay alone.
You leap in the hay like a two years old boy. Uh oh. The hay sticks to your muddy body. You're a walking hay bale! Just like that one guy from that one show!
2A
0 (walk to Jhonka's cave) Hey, nice disguise! The Jhonka doesn't seem to notice you. 3A
7 steal riches Oh OH! A stiff breeze blew all the hay and, surprisingly, the mud off of you! "You take my riches?!" growls the Jhonka. 3A
0 No "Okay. Lemme know if you see riches anywhere," he grunts and goes back to his hopping. You smooth talker, you. 3A
0 open door You open er up and head on in. 4D
5 give riches "My riches!!" she screams and snatches up every last gold coin. "Thanks, sucker! Here you go!" she shoves the baby into your hands and bolts out the door.
You later learn that she does this all the time and is wanted throughout the countryside. Those riches probably WERE the Jhonka's and who knows whose baby that is. Well, it's yours now.
Baby lady cottage
0 (on leaving baby lady cottage) This place is dead anyway. Baby lady cottage
5 throw baby Something tells you this is a good idea and you lob the little one into the lake.
You won't be arrested after all! The little guy has resurfaced safely, carrying an old bottle of soda. You take the soda and stow your swaddling buddy for takeoff.
3C
3 put baby in bucket Okay, Father of the Year. You put a baby in a bucket and it quickly descends deep into the well. Yours is a black, black heart. 1C
2 turn crank You haul the bucket back up. Lucky for you, the baby is still in it and appears to be unscathed. As a bonus, it looks like he found a Meatball sub down there. Score! You take the sub.
Oh, and the baby. You take the baby.
1C
0 open door You open the door and step inside the inn. 3E
5 give baby "Well lookit that little guy!" says the Innkeeper. "You want a treat, do ya? What do babies like?" He fishes around in his pockets.
"Um, how bout my medication!" You grab the bottle of pills before he can force them on the baby. "Hey, those were for him!"
inn
2 move rock You slide the stone over to reveal a little hole. If only you could cut off your arms, legs, and head you might be able to squeeze through! 4A
5 put baby into the hole Deploying Q-Baby...
Way to go, baby! It got the cottage door opened and headed off to a new life. He becomes Valedictorian of his graduating class, goes to Scalding Lake State, gets a degree in Advanced Peasantry and lands a job at Thatch-Pro: building better cottages for a better tomorrow.
You grow apart and the letters from him become fewer and fewer. He develops a severe mead problem and blames you for never being there.
4A
0 open drawer There's a vintage peasant robe in there! Just like grampa used to wear. Mysterious cottage
10 get robe Yeah! Get that robe! Mysterious cottage
1 close drawer Aww, how thoughtful and boring of you. Break into this peasant's home, steal his clothes, but remember to tidy up after yourself. You're a real saint. Mysterious cottage
3 wear robe You slip into the vintage robe. It smells like grampa's lap. Now you're lookin like a serious peasant. anywhere
0 open door You open the door and step inside the inn. 3E
3 get room "Okay, youngster," says the decrepit old person. "Just bed on down for the night and I'm sure I'll remember to collect the fee come morning."
Night falls like a bad power point presentation.
What an uncomfortable bed! You sleep for maybe 20 minutes before the extreme pain in your spine forces you to get up.
Inside giant inn
2 get pot You reach way up to the top shelf.
Oh great! Now you can't see a thing and your head is covered in highly flammable horse grease. You better get out of here before that disgusting old man comes back.
Inside giant inn
3 (exiting inn with pot on head) Phew! You discard the big black pot and wipe the horse grease from your eyes. The hood of your robe is still covered in highly flammable horse grease, though. 3E
10 (walking under candle in burninated trees) Whoa! The horse grease on your robe caught fire! You're a for-real peasant now. 4E
0 (exiting 4E) Man, screens sure get light fast around here. 1E, 3E, or 4D
7 talk knight Lookin good, Mr. Peasant. Good luck with ol' Beefy Arm up there.
This is it! You can finally get revenge on Trogdor! Nice work so far, stupid!
Please insert floppy disk 2 into Drive B and press enter.
Disk read error. Please insert floppy disk 2 into Drive B and press enter.
2E
0 climb With a new determination you dig your fingers into the cliff face and begin to haul yourself up the mountain like you were in a sports drink commercial
The mountain starts rumbling and big loose boulders start tumblin down. You'd best avoid thems.
Cliff base
3 (successfully climbing the cliff without dying) Nice jorb climbing the cliff. You have a real way with those arrow keys. Cliffland heights
0 (approached by first keeper) Foolish peasant! How dare you enter this fairly sacred chamber!
You explain that you're here to smote Trogdor and if he doesn't get outta your way, him too!
You cannot vanquish Trogdor! Only the Three Keepers of Trogdor hold the tools with which to destroy the Burninator. The Trog-Shield, the Trog-Helmet, and the Trog-Sword.
And the only way we'll give them up is if you answer the three Trog-Trivia questions correctly.
Unless you happen to have something to eat on ya. Then we could forego my question.
Trogdor's outer sanctum
5 give sandwich No way! I was just kidding but you've really got a meatball sub. This rules! Here, you can have the Trog-Shield. Trogdor's outer sanctum
0 (approached by second keeper) Hold, peasant! You must answer the second dreaded Trog-Trivia question!
Or we could call it even if I had an ice cold drink right now.
Trogdor's outer sanctum
5 give soda Sweet deal, peasant. I underestimated you. Wear this Trog-Helmet with style. Trogdor's outer sanctum
0 (approached by third keeper) Think you're pretty hot stuff, eh? Let's see you answer the deadly and pretty impossible THIRD TROG-TRIVIA QUESTION!
That is, unless you've got something for my lower back. Man, it's killin me!
Trogdor's outer sanctum
5 give pills Whoa! Where'd you find this stuff? I don't think this is even legal anymore. These babies'll definitely smote LUMBAGO the, um, LOWER BACKINATOR!!
The fabled Trog-Sword is yours. You now have the means to strike down Trogdor. Good luck, peasant.
Trogdor's outer sanctum
0 (enter Trogdor's cave) the beaded curtain slams shut behind you. There's no turning back now. Trogdor's posh lair
7 throw sword This is it! You hurl the Trog-Sword with all your might at the sleeping Burninator.
Now you've done it! Trogdor's awake and the Trog-Sword doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot.
Your legs lock in fear, your eyes glaze over and you wish for some Depeasant adult undergarments. But you think you hear Trogdor whimpering!
Aw crap, that's you whimpering. At least your voice still works, I guess.
Trogdor's posh lair
10 talk trogdor You scream that your name is Rather Dashing and that Trogdor burninated your cottage and you're here for revenge!
"Sup, mortal," booms Trogdor. "I really appreciate you making the effort to come all the way up here and vanquish me and all. But, I'm kinda indestructible."
"Yeah, I can't be killed. I'm surprised nobody mentioned that to you. I'll admit though, you've gotten farther than anybody else ever has. I bet they'll make a statue or something in honor of you somewheres."
"I can honestly say it'll be a pleasure and an honor to burninate you, Rather Dashing."
Aw that sure was nice of him!
Congratulations! You've won! No one can kill Trogdor but you came closer than anybody ever! Way to go!
Trogdor's posh lair
0 (credits) Peasant's Quest
Written by Matt, Jonathan, and Mike
3D
0 (credits) Programmed by Jonathan 1E
0 (credits) Graphics by Mike and Matt 3A
0 (credits) Quality Assurance Types:
Neal Stamper,
Don Chapman, and John Radle
Nice work on winning and everything.
THE END
3B

[edit] The Three Keepers' Messages

There are several messages that the game may return while Rather Dashing is answering questions of The Three Keepers of Trogdor. The simplest way to complete this part of the game is to bribe the Keepers; the messages returned in this case are listed above. If Rather Dashing has not acquired the three items necessary to bribe the Keepers, however, he must answer a question from each of them. The messages returned while answering their questions are listed here.

After each Keeper's introductory message, at the command "take the quiz", the game responds: You shake off the Keeper of Trogdor's request. Seriously - this guy should get a job.

[edit] The First Keeper

[edit] Introductory Message

How dare you enter this fairly sacred chamber!
You explain that you're here to smote Trogdor and if he doesn't get outta your way, him too!
You cannot vanquish Trogdor! Only the Three Keepers of Trogdor hold the tools with which to destroy the Burninator. The Trog-Shield, the Trog-Helmet, and the Trog-Sword.
And the only way we'll give them up is if you answer the three Trog-Trivia questions correctly.

[edit] Possible Questions

The First Keeper will ask you one of the following questions (the correct answer is bolded):

Okay here goes. What did you win from the Archery game?
A. SuperBow FunTime TM
B. SuperTime FunBow TM
C. SuperFun BowTime TM


Okay here goes. What does Mendelev have you tell Dongolev?
A. Haldo
B. Hallo
C. Allo


Okay here goes. What is the only creature the Jhonka fears?
A. Poor Gary
B. The Baby
C. The Kerrek

[edit] Response to Correct Answer

"Ah crap! You're right. Here, take this stupid Trog-Shield!"

[edit] Response to Incorrect Answer

"Sorry peasant! You fail! And as punishment, you will be turned into...RON CUMBERDALE!!"
You ask who the crap Ron Cumberdale is.
"Just this kid from 4th grade that I really hated. But he was a BIG LOSER and HE SMELLED!"
Well, you not exactly dead. But there's no way you could defeat Trogdor as Ron Cumberdale. Your quest ends here. Thanks for playing.

[edit] The Second Keeper

[edit] Introductory Message

Hold, peasant! You must answer the second dreaded Trog-Trivia question!

[edit] Possible Questions

Listen careful now. Which one of these letters is the letter C?
A. B
B. C
C. A


Listen careful now. How many berry bushes are there in the whole kingdom of Peasantry?
A. 4
B. 5
C. 6


Listen careful now. What was the Innkeeper's pantry full of?
A. Epsom Salts
B. Epson Printers
C. Old Man Rub

[edit] Response to Correct Answer

"That's right. Oh. This sucks. Guess I have to give you this Trog-Helmet. Dang."

[edit] Response to Incorrect Answer

"WRONG! You are hereby cursed to write corny folk songs for the rest of eternity! The kind that only OLD PEOPLE LIKE!!"
Well, you not exactly dead. But you certainly can't face Trogdor after writing 'Wheat Grows Sweet, But My Gal's Sweeter'. Your quest ends here. Thanks for playing.

[edit] The Third Keeper

[edit] Introductory Message

Think you're pretty hot stuff, eh? Let's see you answer the deadly and pretty impossible THIRD TROG-TRIVIA QUESTION!

[edit] Possible Questions

Riddle me this. To whom did the robe you're wearing originally belong?
A. Nobleman Nicholas
B. Nina Neverawesome
C. Naked Ned


Riddle me this. What color are the leaves on the tree that grows by the well?
A. Orange
B. Green
C. Yellow


Riddle me this. Which way does the river that runs through Peasantry flow?
A. West to East
B. Northwest to South
C. Northeast to Southwest

[edit] Response to Correct Answer

"Uh oh. You got it right. Trogdor's gonna kill me. Okay, you can have the Trog-Sword. Just promise not to kill any Trogdor's with it, kay?"
You just stare at the Keeper blankly.
"Okay fine! You can have the dumb thing anyways. Trogdor's through the beaded curtain over there."
The fabled Trog-Sword is yours. You now have the means to strike down Trogdor. Good luck, peasant.

[edit] Response to Incorrect Answer

YES! I was hoping you'd get mine wrong. No Trog-Sword for you. In fact, no skin for you either!
Wow. You sure dead. You had a good run, though. Thanks for playin.

Note: if you fail to provide "A", "B", or "C" as an answer to any of the above questions, the Keeper will ask the question again, replacing the first sentence with the following one: Peasant fool! Choose A, B, or C!

[edit] Area Descriptions

By typing "look" in an area, you can receive a description of the surrounding area. Sometimes descriptions change as events come to pass.

  • Hidden Glen: Well, looky here! A hidden glen! You LOVE hidden glens. This one has some kinda archer in it.
    • {after Dongolev leaves} You're in a hidden glen. There's a tree with zillions of arrows in it.
  • Poor Gary's Glen (A1): Hey! There's a rotten ol' horse over there!
  • Kerrek Tracks 1 (B1): There are large hoof prints in the grass here.
    • {no Kerrek} There are large hoof prints in the the grass here. And it smells like a public latrine.
    • {living Kerrek} It's the Kerrek, you moron! Get outta here!
    • {dead Kerrek} There are large hoof prints in the grass here. There is a large Kerrek-shaped mound on the grass.
    • {rotting Kerrek} There are large hoof prints in the grass here. Part of the ground looks just like a rotting kerrek.
    • {skeletal Kerrek} There are large hoof prints in the grass here. Looks like someone left their spare bones here.
  • Old Well (C1): There's a really generic well here. Oh, and apparently it's autumn on this screen.
  • Yellow Tree (D1): Rushing river b/w yellow tree.
  • Waterfall (E1): There's a beautiful, magical waterfall cascading down the cliff side.
  • That Hay Bale (A2): Well, there's that big bale of hay over there.
    • {when in hay disguise, anywhere} Right now, you see a bunch of hay.
  • That Mud Puddle (B2): There's a dried out mud puddle. It's all caked and cracked like the kind rock stars are always standing on.
    • {when raining} Not much to see. 'Sides that big mud puddle.
  • Archery Range (C2): You've come across some kind of shooting gallery. There's a depressed looking archer at the desk there.
  • River and Stone (D2): Not much to see. River's got a rock in it.
  • Mountain Pass (E2): You've reached the mountain pass that leads to Trogdor's lair. A royal knight blocks the entrance.
  • Jhonka's Cave (A3): There's a little cave with a little door with a little note on it.
    • {before getting riches, after Kerrek is killed} There's a disgusting little Jhonka hopping around outside a little cave.A fat pile of riches lies next to him.
    • {after the Kerrek is killed} There's a disgusting little Jhonka hopping around outside a little cave.
  • Your Burninated Cottage (B3): The remains of your thatched-roof cottage lie before you. You swear revenge against Trogdor.
  • Pebble Lake West (C3): There's definitely half a lake here with a sandy shore.
  • Pebble Lake East (D3): Why it's half a lake.
    • {when the old man is fishing} Why it's half a lake.With a fisherman in it. And he's fishing!
  • Outside Giant Inn (E3): There's a giant Inn here. It takes up, like, the entire screen.
    • Inside Giant Inn: What a dump! Only one bed and no minibar? The Innkeeper stands behind the desk and there's a door that's closed.
    • Inside Giant Inn: {at night} It's still dark out. The grimey old Innkeeper is gone and he left the pantry open.
  • Outside Mysterious Cottage (A4): There's a run-of-the-mill non-burninated thatched-roof cottage here. Its stonework looks a little shoddy.
    • Inside Mysterious Cottage: This place could use some serious sprucing of the 'up' variety. There's a dresser over there and a broom kind of silhouetted all mysterious like.
  • Wavy Tree (B4): Nothing special here except for that weird wavy tree.
  • Kerrek Tracks 2 (C4): {same as Kerrek Tracks 1}
  • Outside Baby Lady Cottage (D4): There's a ranch-style thatched roof cottage here. There are also what appear to be four crunch berry bushes but you can't be sure.
    • Inside Baby Lady Cottage: What a depressing little cottage. It reeks of single parent. A lady rocks her baby in a chair. A mostly empty shelf sits against one wall.
    • Inside Baby Lady Cottage: {after the baby lady leaves} What a depressing little cottage. It reeks of single parent. There is one of those self-rocking chairs. A mostly empty shelf sits against one wall.
  • Burninated Trees (E4): A signal lantern of some kind hangs from a burninated tree.
    • {at night} A burning signal lantern hangs from a severely burninated tree.
  • Cliff Base: You're at the base of a very climbable cliff that leads to Trogdor's lair. This cliff is huge - the kind where rocks start falling down the minute you try to climb it.
  • Cliffland Heights: Wow! It sure gets creepy fast around here! What with all the lightning and scary cave entrances.
  • Trogdor's Outer Sanctum: There are 3 openings with a little cliff in front of each. A beaded curtain hangs in a doorway on the far wall.
  • Trogdor's Posh Lair: You're in a giant cavern which houses a giant dragon. You didn't shrink or anything.

[edit] Other Productive Responses

[edit] Constructive Conversations

There are some helpful residents of Peasantry who will provide you with tips about how to proceed in the game. While these conversations are not necessary for completion of the game, many are important to the game's storyline.

Character Command Response Location
The Blue Knight talk knight (at beginning of game) You explain your situation to the knight. That Trogdor burninated your cottage and you've sworn revenge. You ask for passage up the mountain to settle your score. (Press RETURN to advance through conversations)
"Hang on there, Trogdorkilla," says the knight. "I can only allow actual peasants up the mountain pass to face Trogdor. And you CLEARLY are not one."
"Look, Dragonheart..."
"You don't STINK like a peasant."
"You don't DRESS like a peasant."
"And you're definitely not ON FIRE like a peasant."
"Once you're those 3 things, come back and maybe we can talk."
"Be sure to LOOK around lots. Talk to everyone you see and ASK ABOUT stuff. Type HELP if you get confused and INVENTORY to see your worldly stuff. Type SAVE or LOAD to save or load your game. Duh."
2E
The Blue Knight talk knight (after acquiring Kerrek's belt) "Frankly, Matthew Broderick, you sure stink like a peasant. But you still don't DRESS like a peasant and you're not ON FIRE like a peasant." 2E
The Blue Knight talk knight (after acquiring Naked Ned's robe) "My dear Adso, you are dressed well but you don't STINK and you're not ON FIRE. Let us instead exercise our brains and try to solve this tantalizing conundrum." 2E
The Blue Knight talk knight (after acquiring Kerrek's belt and Naked Ned's robe) "Almost there, Dirk the Daring. You stink like a peasant and you dress like one too. But you're clearly still not ON FIRE." 2E
The Baby Lady talk lady "Hello, I'm-" you start but the lady cuts you off
"Okay, here's why I let you in here," she explains. "My husband got squished by Trogdor. And to make matters worse, the insurance riches I got were stolen by Jhonka. Go steal them back for us and I'll give you something great."
Baby lady cottage
Old Man talk man (before throwing chicken feed in lake) You holler at the old man about Trogdor, but he just grumbles about the fish not biting. "Must be using the wrong bait..." he says, suggestively. 3D
Old Man talk man (after throwing chicken feed in lake) "If you're interested in staying the night, just type 'get a room.'" Inside giant inn
Old Man get a room (without robe) "I only serve peasants here, fancypants!" barks the old guy. "Where's your robe?" Inside giant inn

[edit] Useful Documents

There are a few notes and documents lying around Peasantry that help Rather Dashing on his quest.

Item Command Response Location
Map get map You tuck it nice-like into your short, short pants. Type MAP at nearly any time to check the map. 3B
Note on Old Man's door read note (before throwing chicken feed in lake) It says, "Gone Fishin" just like that grog coozie your cousin got you. 3E
Note on Jhonka's door read note (before killing Kerrek) It says "scared of kerrek. go way. -j" 3A

[edit] Helpful Hints

At times when you stray from the correct path in the game, the computer will respond with suggestions to help keep you on the right track.

Action Response Location
After jumping in the haystack, go from 2A to any screen except 3A Drat. The winds are heavy on all but a couple of key screens... looks like you're no longer in stealth mode. 1A or 2B
Type any command while the pot of horse grease is on your head You need to get out of there before that smelly octogenarian gets back. Inside giant inn
Type any command other than "take the quiz" or "give (requested item)" after being apporached by a Keeper I think he wants something from your inventory. Or you could just tell him "take the quiz" Trogdor's outer sanctum
Type any command other than "Talk" or "Talk Trogdor" after Trogdor wakes up Trogdor is awake and a couple seconds from a Rather Dashing BBQ. Might as well say your peace with him. Trogdor's Posh Lair

[edit] Unproductive Responses

> CLOSE DRAWER

There are many messages that the game gives you when you input commands that are not essential to the game's storyline. Here is a list of all that have been found. When more than one option is given, such as "get/take _____", either word will produce the same response.


Contents

# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

[edit] #

[edit] A

  • "Ask about _____":
    • Baby:
      • (to Baby Lady) - "This little guy's all I got left. If only someone would steal back all our riches from that filthy Jhonka."
    • Fire:
      • (to knight) - "Well, whenever I see peasants, they tend to be on fire. So get yourself on fire. I hear horse grease gives a nice, controlled burn."
      • (to baby lady) - "You need fire? A couple of trees over by the waterfall used to be on fire. But now there's like a signal lantern over there or something." / "So should I ask that signal lantern?" you ask. / "I dunno man! Whattaya want from me?"
      • (to Mendelev and Dongolev*) - "Trogdor just burned down some idiot peasant's cottage. You should ask him," says Mendelev. / "Yeah, this jerk goes on vacation to some prancey lake and..." / They see you staring daggers at them and turn bright red. / "Oh. Nevermind," says Dongolev. "Um, yeah. What's a fire?" adds Mendelwhatever.
      • (to Jhonka) - "Burninator make fire! Barbecue all peasants!"
      • (to innkeeper) - "I've always preferred being on fire at night. Looks prettier and keeps the butterflies away."
    • Jhonka:
      • (to knight) - "Since the Kerrek showed up, we don't see the Jhonka so much anymore. He lives in that little cave over in west Peasantry."
      • (to Baby Lady) - "That nasty thing killed my husband and took my riches!!" / "I thought Trogdor killed your husband," you interject. / "Oh right. Yeah. That's what I said. Trogband killed my husbdor."
      • (to Jhonka) - "The Kerrek is dead!" he cries and hops around some more. You wonder how someone this primitive could have made that much dough.
    • Kerrek:
      • (to knight) - "I call him Big Stinky. He's slow and stupid, but he'll pound you into milks meat without a second thought."
    • Naked Ned:
      • (to knight) - "That weirdo used to live over in west Peasantry but now I guess he just prances around the forest in his birthday suit."
      • (to baby lady) - "Don't talk about that pervert in front of the baby here."
      • (to Mendelev and Dongolev*) - "That guy creeps us out. In fact, shut up about him."
      • (to Jhonka) - "Filthy naked peasant! Stay away from my cave-hole!" Who's he calling naked? HE'S the one wearing the string bikini.
      • (to innkeeper) - "He used to be such a nice, clothed young man. Wonder what he's done with all his old clothes?"
    • robe:
      • (to knight) - "Peasants wear those brown robes. You know, with the rope around the waist. Get yourself one of those."
      • (to baby lady) - "You can't have mine, pervert! I'm not a nudist peasant like that weirdo over in west Peasantry!"
      • (to Mendelev and Dongolev*) - "We wouldn't know. We only wear archer clothes. You just can't arch real well in a robe, y'know?"
      • (to Jhonka) - see naked ned
      • (to innkeeper) - "I wear my robe hood-down so it's easier to trim my ear-hairs. If you need a robe, maybe try someone that's not using theirs."
    • smell:
      • (to knight) - "I never met a peasant that didn't stink. If you wanna smell bad, get the Kerrek involved. That thing reeks!"
      • (to baby lady) - "What smells is junior here's drawers! I gotta quit feeding him so much horse!" / "And don't start asking me for his diapers, sicko!"
      • (to Mendelev and Dongolev*) - "That giant pig running around sure smells bad. Maybe talk to him."
      • (to Jhonka) - "Kerrek smell! Now Kerrek dead!" screeches the Jhonka. So you can infer from this that all smells are dead? You always sucked at the analytical questions.
      • (to innkeeper) - "Well, if you don't stink, maybe find something that does and wear it. Like a dead carcass or summat."
    • trogdor:
      • (to knight) - "If I had a gold coin for every whining peasant's cottage that freaking dragon burninated, I'd be rich as a jhonka."
      • (to baby lady) - "I hope you kill that stupid dragon. My 'Wives of Squished Peasants' support group would bake you a Poor Gary pie if you did."
      • (to Mendelev and Dongolev*) - "Oh man, there was this one time when I came THIS close to having Trogdor ARROWED!" says Dongolev. / "Hey, shut up! That was me!" interrupts Mendelev, "YOU almost arrowed that blue baby!" says Dongolev. / "Did not!" / "Did so!" / "Did not!" / (You see where this is going.)
      • (to Jhonka) - "All hail Burninator! Trogdor Number One! Beat Peasant Tech!" says the grimy Jhonka.
      • (to innkeeper) - "Are you talking about that young green boy that lives up the street? He's always tearing my roof off and eating my customers."
    • anything else:
      • (to knight) - "I don't know anything about that, short pants."
      • (to baby lady) - "I dunno what you're talking about."
      • (to Mendelev and Dongolev*) - "Either we don't know anything about that, or you're real boring."
      • (to Jhonka) - "Jhonka don't know nothing bout that!"
      • (to innkeeper) - "I don't know nothing about no whatever you just said."
      • (anywhere else) - "Ask about what?"
* - You can only ask Mendelev and Dongolev when they're together.
  • "attack _____":
    • "sign" (at the Mountain Pass) - "I was being facetious, Mr. Smarty-short-pants. No sign attacking for you."
    • "trogdor (while Trogdor's asleep, in his lair) - "Like how?"

[edit] B

  • "boo" (anywhere) - "Scared me."
  • "break/kick/punch door" (at Outside mysterious cottage) - "Violence is not the answer."
  • "break sign" (at Mountain Pass) - See "attack sign"
  • "break stump" (at Poor Gary's glen) - "Are you THAT bored? Do some questing already!"
  • "buy kerrek a cold one" (in the Kerrek's domain while he's still alive) - "The kerrek is a teetotaller and is offended by your offer. You've really cheesed him off now." Warning: This speeds the Kerrek up, so be careful. This command was first seen in the email for kids.

[edit] C

  • "cheat" (or any phrase involving "cheat"; anywhere) - "Meh."
  • "climb _____"
    • "cliff"
      • (anywhere near the bottom of the cliff) - "There aren't enough footholds and you don't have any carabeaners on you."
      • (at the top of the cliff) - "They don't show how the sports-drink people get down from the cliff. You've no idea how to start."
      • (in Trogdor's outer sanctum) - "Nope. It's too sheer."
    • "fence"/"jump fence"
      • (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "No, you have business to attend to here in Peasantry."
      • (at Poor Gary's glen, after scaring him) - "More like you should walk through that gaping hole in it. Just an idea."
      • (at the hidden glen) - "Not going to dignify that with a response."
    • "in bucket" (at the well) - "Your butt is too big."
    • "in well" (at the well) - "No go. Your insurance doesn't cover that."
    • "tree"
      • (anywhere but at the wavy tree or hidden glen) - "But then your hands would get all sappy."
      • (at the hidden glen) - "Naw, you'd probably figure out some way to kill yourself doing that."
      • (at the wavy tree) - "You don't climb wavy trees."
      • (after getting a room in the inn) - "Naw. That's dumb. Do better."
  • "close _____"
    • "door"
      • (at Naked Ned's cottage) - "Already done. That was easy!"
      • (at Naked Ned's cottage, after the baby opens it) - "You can't. That baby really wrenched it open good."
    • "drawer"
      • (without stealing the robe) - "Right, right. Wouldn't want to leave the robes out where any old guy trying to beat an adventure game could take them."
      • (when it's closed) - "A riddle: What can be closed that is already closed? (hint: not this drawer)"
  • "cut off arms, legs, and head" (at Naked Ned's cottage) - "Very funny. You have trouble cutting out coupons in the weekly 'Peasant Penny-Pincher' circular. I'd like to see you try."

[edit] D

  • "dan" (or any phrase involving Dan; anywhere): "Dan's still okay. Got a place on Dekalb with Rick and his wife. Slimmed up a bit and looking towards the future."
  • "dance" (anywhere) - "You'd rather just stand here and soak up the scene."
  • "die" (anywhere) - "That wasn't very smart. You dead." (Warning: This kills you.)
  • "drink" (or any object after "drink"; anywhere) - "For simplicity's sake you are immune to hunger and thirst in this game. So you got that going for you./Which is nice."
  • "drop baby"
    • (once you have baby) - "Use the baby where? You haven't anywhere inconsiderate to stuff 'm." or "Quit tryin to ditch the baby!"
    • (before you have baby) - "You don't even have two babies to rub together."
    • (at the well) - "Like where?"

[edit] E

  • "enter hay"
    • (by the hay bale, when you're not muddy) - "Not right now, man. You're feeling fairly clean given you just bathed 3 fortnights ago."
    • (near the hay bale, when you're muddy but not right next to it) - "Who do you think you are, MJ? Try from a little closer."

[edit] F

  • "feed horse" (at Poor Gary's glen before scaring him) - "There's a good chance that horse has NEVER eaten. I doubt he'll start now."

[edit] G

  • "get a room" (when on fire) - "\oard of Peasant Health says I can't serve any folk that's on fire. Nothing personal. Well, I mean, I don't like you much anyway."
  • "get/take/steal _____"
    • "(anything not listed and not relevant to the plot)" - "You probably WISH you could get that."
    • "arrow"
      • (at the archery range) - "They have 'RANGE' printed on them, so it would be kind of embarrassing to have to shoot around with them. Also, that guy over there is giving you the evil eye."
      • (at the secret glen while Dongolev is there) - "Something tells me now's not a good time." {you get the arrow anyway and Dongolev shoots you} "It wasn't a good time. Hey, my mom's making peasant-kabobs for dinner TOO! Right. Anyway. You dead. Thanks for playing, and try not to die." (Warning: As you can see, this kills you.)
      • (at the secret glen after getting the first arrow OR at the secret glen after getting the second arrow after killing the Kerrek) - "You're pretty much all set on the arrow front. They're kinda cool, though."
      • (at the secret glen after killing the Kerrek) - "You grab yet another arrow from the tree hoping to get some bonus points."
      • (at Kerrek's body after killing the Kerrek) - "Eww! No way. That thing's got some serious Kerrek-Brand kooties on it now."
    • "baby" (inside the woman's cottage, while she has the baby) - "'You want to be a part of this family? GO GET US THOSE RICHES!!' she shrieks."
    • "bell" (in the inn, after getting a room) - "You can't. It looks like it's been somehow olded to the desk."
    • "belt" (after getting it) - "You totally got the belt already, as evidenced by the rancid cloud of odor that follows you like a shadow."
    • "berries"
      • (the same bush twice outside the woman's cottage) - "You already searched that bush. It was okay. Nothing to write home about... oh, wait... you don't have a home. My b."
      • (after you've gotten the trinket, outside the woman's cottage) - "You've searched your fill of berry bushes for this game. If you want to search more press 'reload' on the browser"
      • (at the west side of the lake) - "NO MAN! JEEZ!"
    • "bone/skull" (at the top of the cliff) - "Eww. No. Grody. You're grody. No. Eww."
    • "broom" (inside Naked Ned's cottage) - "No, no. The broom is in the foreground and you can't take things from the foreground. You don't see me all typing 'get browser window', do you?"
    • "bucket" (at the well) - "You can't, it's tied to a rope and you're terrible with knots."
    • "candle" (at night, in the inn) - "It seems like you should be able to do that, doesn't it? Sorry. No dice."
    • "chair"
      • (inside the woman's cottage, while she is there) - "No. There's a big bag of something in it. Oh, that's the baby lady."
      • (inside the woman's cottage, while she is gone) - "No. Too big for pants."
    • "club" (outside the Jhonka's cottage when he's out) - "Now there's a surefire way to get yourself killed."
    • "drawer" (inside Naked Ned's cottage) - "You get a hernia from lifting it. -2 Movement points, -10 Constitution. Don't do that again."
    • "feed" (inside the woman's cottage after stealing feed) - "You don't need anymore. It might give rise to old temptations."
    • "fire"
      • (at the burninated tree at night, before getting the horse grease) - "You're just not flammable enough."
      • (at the burninated tree at night, after getting the horse grease) - "You don't need to get IT. Just let IT get YOU."
      • (at the burninated tree at night, after getting on fire) - "You're already on fire! What? You want to be MORE on fire?"
    • "flies" (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "You nasty. Besides, they wouldn't survive a minute away from that horse's butt."
    • "gold/money" (inside the woman's cottage) - "Um, that's chicken feed."
    • "grease" (inside the inn, at night, when you already got the grease) - "You already have a nice greasy swab of it on the corner of your hood."
    • "hay"
      • (at the hay bale) - "Who do you think you are? Some kind of Thy Dungeonman? You don't need any hay."
      • (inside the woman's cottage) - "There's a huge bale a couple of screens over from here. Why bother stealing?"
    • "kerrek" (in the Kerrek's domain whether or not he's still alive) - "Well, he does smell real bad. But he's a bit too big to fit in your pocket."
    • "lantern" (at the signal lantern) - "Better not. There's an engraved plaque on it that says, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty Of 'You Die'."
    • "mud"
      • (when it's wet, before you fall in) - "You can't get the mud so much. More like the mud'll get you."
      • (when it's wet, after you fall in) - "You've already gotten an heapin' helpin' all up on yo'self."
    • "map" (at your cottage, after you've gotten it) - "Yeah but like you already map the took, guy!"
    • "note"
      • (at Jhonka's cave) - "It's been magically sealed to the door with a wondrously whimsical spell."
      • (outside the inn) - "What is it with you and notes?! No!!"
    • "old man rub" (in the inn) - "You disgust me."
    • "paper" (in the inn) - "Naw, it might be important to that wrinkly old loon."
    • "painting" (in the inn) - "Weird. It's actually painted right into the wall. Like, the frame and everything."
    • "pebbles/rocks"
      • (after you've gotten them) - "Come now. We've been through this jaunty little bit before. You took them from the half lake screen with the cattail and stuff."
      • (from the opposite side of where you get the pebbles) "You do your best Mr. Fantastic impression, but you can't reach from here."
    • "plague" (at the signal lantern) - "Wrong game, Mispeller Jones. Try the little button to the left of the 'W'."
    • "plaque" (at the signal lantern) - "You have enough of that on your browning, rotten peasant teeth already."
    • "pillow"
      • (in the inn) - "Not a chance. There's even more questionable stains on that pillow than there are on that rug."
      • (inside the woman's cottage) - "You don't have anywhere to use it and it is rather bulky, so you leave it."
    • "pot" (in the inn, after you already have horse grease) - "You already have a nice greasy swab of it on the corner of your hood."
    • "robe"
      • (in Naked Ned's cottage, after you've gotten it) - "You still remember the time when you took them. Oh, the times have changed ... but the robes?"
      • (in Naked Ned's cottage, when the drawer is closed) - "You reach into the closed drawer and nearly break your hand slamming it. Just like a bird on a pane of glass minus the blamelessness."
    • "rock"
      • (by the stream) - "For what? Now you're just making up puzzles to solve."
      • (at the mud puddle) - "That rock's not doin' a whole lot for me."
      • (outside Naked Ned's cottage, after moving it) - "You've already moved the stone out of the way to reveal a less-than peasant-sized hole."
    • "rug" (in the inn) - "You're not touching that thing. Too many questionable stains on it."
    • "stuff/food" (inside the woman's cottage) - "Which foodstuffs?"
    • "target" (at the archery range) - "No. Those will fall on you and more than likely kill you."
  • "give _____"
    • "(anything not listed)"
      • (inside the woman's cottage) - "We don't need that mess."
      • (anywhere except for the woman's cottage) - "You don't need to give that now."
    • "baby"
      • (in the inn, before you get the baby) - "You have no baby nor any immediate prospects."
      • (in the inn, when you already have the pills) - "You already milked that fogey for all the pills he's worth."
    • "riches"
      • (inside the woman's cottage, before getting the riches) - "'That's right,' she whines. 'Find my riches, and give here.'"
      • (outside Jhonka's cave, before jumping in hay) - "The Jhonka will see you! And rip out your jugular with his teeth or something equally horrible."
      • (inside the woman's cottage, after giving the riches) - "We did that already, and it was sort of humiliating."
    • "trinket"
      • (inside the woman's cottage) - " 'Did you find that thing in my yard?' she asks. 'I got that thing free in a box of Plaguezees. I need some FOR REAL riches!' "
      • (inside woman's cottage after giving trinket to Mendelev) - "'Why are you holding your hand out?' she asks. 'I told you I need riches, so I can't give em away.' You don't have a trinket to give, you realize."
  • "go _____" (anything or letter can be put in here) - "Use the arrow keys, pal. Just like a joypad only more like your day job."

[edit] H

  • "haldo"
    • (anywhere but in the hidden glen, before or after talking to Mendelev) - "That's totally not Dongolev."
    • (in the secret glade before talking to Mendelev) - "What'd you read that in PQ Stragedy Guide? Go talk to my brother first."
    • (in the secret glade after Dongolev leaves) - "Haldo?." you call out... "Hadloooooo"
    • (at the archery Range after Dongolev has returned) - "HALDO!!"
  • "hide in hay" (at the hay bale, before getting in) - "Not right now, man. You're feeling fairly clean given you just bathed 3 fortnights ago."
  • "hug tree" (at the hay bale) - "To every thing, turn, turn, turn. There is a season, turn, turn, turn."

[edit] I

[edit] J

  • "jump in hay"
    • (by the hay bale, when you're not muddy) - "Not right now, man. You're feeling fairly clean given you just bathed 3 fortnights ago."
    • (near the hay bale, when you're muddy but not right next to it) - "Who do you think you are, MJ? Try from a little closer."

[edit] K

  • "kick/kill/punch poor gary"
    • (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "You attempt to cause Poor Gary harm for no good reason other than you kinda suck at this game. {Poor Gary kicks you} WOW! For a decrepit old horse, Poor Gary still packs a mean whallop. You dead. Thanks for playing." (Warning: Needless to say, this kills you.)
    • (at Poor Gary's glen, after scaring him) - "Gary's gone now. Let go. Just let go. Let go!"
  • "kill _____"
    • "flies" (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "Those flies and that horse's butt have a symbiotic relationship. You have no right to disrupt that."
    • "jhonka" (after he's outside) - "No way! Jhonka's are born scrappers. He may be little, but he'll crawl ya."
    • "kerrek"
      • (in the Kerrek's domain while he is present and you do not have the bow and arrow) - "With what?! You got no weapons except your butter-knife wit."
      • (in the Kerrek's domain when he is present and you have the arrow, but not the bow) - "With what?! You gonna throw that arrow at him?"
      • (in the Kerrek's domain when he is present and you have the bow, but not the arrow) - "With what?! You got no arrow, fool!"
      • (after the Kerrek is dead) - "Yeah. You smote the Kerrek. You deserve a trophy full of Mutton-ums."
      • (in the Kerrek's domain when he is not there) - "Good idea. But you kinda need the actual Kerrek to be here for that to work."
    • "trogdor" (while Trogdor's asleep, in his lair) - "Like how?"
  • "knock"
    • (at the woman's cottage) - " 'It's open,' says a female voice from inside. Um, it's NOT open, but you get her drift."
    • (at the woman's cottage, after she leaves) - No one answers. That crazy lady took off. How ever will you get past this closed door now?
    • (at the Jhonka's cave while he's inside) - "A gravelly voice inside yells, 'JUST US CHICKENS' or: 'NO FOR RENT' or: 'I GIVE LAST YEAR!' or: 'GAVE AT OFFICE' or: 'GO WAY!'"
    • (at the inn, while it's closed) - "No answer."
    • (at the inn, after it's been opened) - "Just open it, man!"
    • (at Naked Ned's cottage) - "You could knock until your knuckles bleed. Nobody's home."
  • "Knock until knuckles bleed"
    • (at Naked Ned's cottage) - "You knock for about 4 hours until your knuckles are raw and bloody. That was fun!"
    • (type it again at Naked Ned's cottage) - "You done that already. A great time was had by all."

[edit] L

  • "light lantern"
    • (at the burninated trees before it is lit) - "With what? Your red-hot intellect?"
    • (at the burninated trees after it is lit) - "Already lit, moron."
  • "load" (in the Kerrek's domain while he's still alive) - "You can't be fumbling with a floppy while the Kerrek is bearing down on you."
  • "look _____"
    • (at anything irrelevant) - "You don't need to look at that."
    • (at anything, while hiding inside the bale of hay) - "Right now, you see a bunch of hay."
    • (at something previously in your inventory but now gone) - "You used to have one, before the great item blight of 402. Check your INVENTORY to read about it."
    • (at something currently in your inventory) - "You've totally got one of those! Check your INVENTORY to give'r a serious looksee."
    • "arrow" (at the hidden glen) - "Somebody call a tree doctor. Them puppies are stuck in there like a, um, er ... stuck pig."
    • "baby" (inside the woman's cottage while she has the baby) - "Peasant babies are pretty freaking adorable. This little guy's no exception."
    • "bed" (in the inn) - "Is that just a fitted sheet over a slab of concrete?"
    • "bell" (in the inn) - "Tis broked."
    • "belt" (in the Kerrek's domain while he's still alive) - "Yecch. I wouldn't touch that unless it was, like, an important quest item or something."
    • "berries"
      • (at the west side of the lake) "Shut up."
      • (outside the woman's cottage) - "Crunch berries maybe."
    • "boat/dinghy"
      • (at the fisherman's lake while he is fishing) - "Keep your eyes off my dinghy!"
      • (at the fisherman's lake after he is gone) - "It was loaned out to the Fishing Challenge videogame."
    • "bone/skeleton/skull" (at the top of the cliff for the bone and skull and in Trogdor's outer sanctum for the skeleton) - "You can't be sure but you think those are dead person bones."
    • "bush" (at the west side of the lake) - "Don't worry about that bush. Yeah, there's red berries on it but never you mind."
    • "bushes"
      • (outside the woman's cottage) - "You suspect they might be crunch berry bushes."
      • (in the hidden glen) - "There's some thick 'ol bushes up in this hidden glen."
    • "candle" (in the inn after getting a room) - "That candle's not at all on fire."
    • "cave"
      • (at the Jhonka's cave) - "Just a little cave. Calm down."
      • (at the top of the cliff) - "The cave entrance beckons to you like a hot mutton sandwich might."
    • "chair" (inside the woman's cottage) - "One of those self-rocking kind. Not bad for a brown-collar peasant-type. Must be trickle-down in action."
    • "club/turkey leg" (at the Jhonka's cave when he's outside) - "Turkey leg or no, it looks like the Jhonka's been gnawing on it."
    • "cottage"
      • (at the yellow tree) - "You see a cottage in the distance. You hold your fingers up to one eye and pretend to squash it."
      • (outside Naked Ned's cottage) - "A run-of-the-mill, non-burninated thatched-roof cottage here. Its stonework looks a little shoddy."
      • (outside the woman's cottage) - "You had a cottage once. A lot like this one. *sniff* Trogdor will pay!"
      • (at your burninated cottage) - "All your baubles and trinkets, your flasks and scrolls, your goblets and staffs! BURNINATED!!"
    • "crank"
      • (at the well before putting pebbles in the bucket) - "It looks rusted in place."
      • (at the well after putting pebbles in the bucket) - "That is a bonafide crank. It seems to work now."
    • "curtain/beads" (in Trogdor's outer sanctum) - "That thing's awesome. You always wanted one for your dorm room but your roommate was a total drag and said no."
    • "desk"
      • (at the archery range) - "It says 'archery' on it. My wife's drunk."
      • (inside the inn) - "There's a broken bell and a piece of parchment on there."
    • "door"
      • (outside the inn) - "Just a door. A door with a note on it."
      • (in Trogdor's outer sanctum) - "A wicked beaded curtain hangs in the doorway."
      • (outside the woman's cottage) - "Listen to you, "look door" What kinda gaming is that? It's a door and it's closed."
    • "feed" (inside the woman's cottage) - "Cool Ranch. Your old favorite."
    • "fence"
      • (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "A particularly rickety peasant-issue fence. Trogdor uses bits of these as toothpicks."
      • (at Poor Gary's glen, after scaring him) - "It's got a big ol' hole in it. For walking through."
      • (by haystack/Jhonka's cottage/Naked Ned's cottage) - "A standard peasant fence. Trogdor makes milk's meat outta these things."
      • (at the hidden glen) - "Wow! There's a hole in it on THIS side too!"
    • "flies" (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "A cloud of buttflies fly around the horse's butt."
    • "footprints/tracks"
      • (when the Kerrek is present) - "It's the Kerrek, you moron! Get outta here!"
      • (when the Kerrek is not present) - "If you weren't a simpleton you might think these were Kerrek prints. But since you are a simpleton, you just go, 'Yay! Piggies!' "
    • "ground"
      • (at your burninated cottage) - "Hey, it's your old fireproof map to Peasantry."
    • "hay"
      • (at the hay bale) - "It reminds you of a warm, safe place where as a child you'd hide."
      • (inside the woman's cottage) - "Hay is for horses!"
    • "hole"
      • (at Naked Ned's cottage, before deploying baby) - "You peer into the tiny opening. The cottage appears to be empty."
      • (at Naked Ned's cottage, after deploying baby) - "There is no baby here, but there's an open door on the other side of the room. If you could only get to it somehow!"
    • "horse" (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "This bag o' bones looks like he's headed for the glue factory. He's got the name 'Poor Gary' branded onto his hide."
    • "in hay" (at the hay bale) - "You search and search through the haystack. Nope. No needles."
    • "in well" (at the well) - "It's dark and welly in there. Smell like stank too."
    • "inn" (outside the inn) - "Looks okay from out here. But do they have a free breakfast buffet?"
    • "jhonka" (at the Jhonka's cottage when he's outside) - "The Jhonka is gray and grody. He's got a cromagnon forehead and jaw with a pair of wicked incisors. He sports an old loin-cheese cloth and carries either a big club or one of those roasted turkey legs you got at the Ren Fest."
    • "kerrek"
      • (in the Kerrek's domain while he is alive) - "It's the Kerrek, you moron! Get outta here!"
      • (immediately after killing him) - "He dead. And the only thing of value on him is his stinky belt buckle."
      • (immediately after taking the belt) - "He dead."
      • (while he's decomposing) - "He dead. You didn't think he could have smelled any worse? Well, guess what: He smells worse."
      • (when he's all bones) - "He dead. He wasn't fat, he was just big boned! Poor pig-man."
    • "knight/man/dude/guy" (at the mountain pass) - "He looks way cooler than you."
    • "lady/woman"
      • (inside the woman's cottage, while she's still there) - "Typical pasty peasant woman, overbearing and judgemental. Obsessed with goods and land."
      • (inside the woman's cottage, after she's gone) - "I can't believe you thought you had a chance with her!/Dork!"
    • "lake" (at the fisherman's lake) - "Why it's half a lake."
    • "lake/water" (at the lake with pebbles) - "It extends onto the next screen and has a sandy shore."
    • "lantern"
      • (while unlit; at the burninated trees) - "It's unlit at the moment. That fancy pants royal knight probably lights it on nights when Troggie's on the prowl."
      • (while lit; at the burninated trees) - "It's lit! Musta been a Trogdor sighting tonight."
    • "lightning" (at the top of the cliff) - "Scary. Like Auntie Gerelda's crow's feet."
    • "man" (in the inn) - "He's an older peasant with big cotton swabs stuffed up his nose. Oh wait. Those are nose hairs. Grody."
    • "man/guy/peasant/old guy/old man" (at the fisherman's lake while he is fishing) - "An older peasant sits silently in a boat with his line in the water."
    • "ned" (at the wavy tree, when Naked Ned is peeking out) - "A fairly naked man is peering out from behind that tree."
    • "openings" (in Trogdor's outer sanctum) - "They're mysterious and out of reach. Like girls were to you in high school."
    • "painting" (in the inn) - "It's a painting of dogs playing 'Magic: The Nerdening.'"
    • "paper"
      • (in the inn) - "It says, 'Note to self: Wave arms wildly!'"
      • (at your burninated cottage) - "Hey, it's your old fireproof map to Peasantry."
    • "pillow"
      • (in the inn) - "If you sleep in that bed, you're NOT putting your head on that nasty pillow."
      • (in the woman's cottage) - "Swedish foam. Your favorite."
    • "pot" (in the inn after getting a room) - "It's full of horse grease. I guess that sounds useful."
    • "rock"
      • (by the stream) - "The ages have worn this rock down. It is a rock of ages. Still a-rollin."
      • (at the mud patch) - "That rock's not doin' a whole lot for me."
      • (at Naked Ned's cottage before removing it) - "There appears to be a loose stone towards the back of the cottage."
      • (at Naked Ned's cottage after removing it) - "Some jerk removed a loose stone from the back of the cottage."
    • "rug" (in the inn) - "Maybe that used to be a magic carpet. But it's sure a cat pee-stained carpet now."
    • "sand"
      • (at the fisherman's lake) - "One million three hundred thousand seventy-four hundred and sixty two... One million three hundred thousand seventy-four hundred and sixty three... Drat! You lost count again."
      • (at the west side of the lake after getting the pebbles) - "Remember those pebbles on the beach? Man, those were good times."
    • "shelf" (inside the woman's cottage) - "Nothing but a bag of chicken feed."
    • "sign"
      • (at the mountain pass) - "What that sign there? That sign says 'Trogdor.'"
      • (outside the inn) - "If you can't read that sign, you need to quit playing this game."
    • "stump"
      • (at the burninated trees) - "NOT a good place to sit."
      • (at Poor Gary's glen) - "You run out of ideas as to what to do next, and stare at the stump."
    • "target" (at the archery range) - "Hey, they had those same targets at Peasant Scout Camp!"
    • "tree"
      • (at the burninated trees) - "Severely burninated. They could probably use some salve."
      • (at the hay bale) - "It's Arbor Day, Charlie Brown!"
      • (at the hidden glen) - "Dude, and then the elf, like, totally climbed up it. It was awesome!"
      • (at the waterfall) - ""You see some trees in the distance. You hold your fingers up to one eye and pretend to squash it."
      • (at the wavy tree) - "It's weird and wavy."
      • (at the well) - "That's one orange tree alright."
      • (at the yellow tree) - "You're really hurtin' for puzzle solutions, huh?"
    • "trees" (anywhere) - "You are an incredibly boring person."
    • "trogdor"
      • (in Trogdor's lair, while he's asleep) - "Holy crap! Trogdor's way bigger in person than he looks in most tapestries you've seen. All of the sudden, losing your cottage doesn't seem so bad anymore."
      • (in Trogdor's lair, when he's awake) - "Trogdor is looming menacingly over you with a tiny wee sword stuck in his belly. He looks like he's gonna kill you really soon."
      • (at mountain pass) - I know it's labeled 'Trogdor,' but it's really just a sign, silly. I mean, attack it if you want...
    • "water" (by the stream) - Got a rock in it.
    • "waterfall" (at the waterfall) - "Upon closer inspection, you discover it's not magical. That's just mist, not magic sparkles or anything."
    • "well" (at the well) - "Pretty average. You're not a big well person. You're more into bridges. It does have a cute little bucket though. Your dad liked buckets. Oh, and there's a metal crank too. Meemaw loved cranks."
    • "window"
      • (outside the inn) - "Check it out! There's an INN in there."
      • (inside the inn) - "Check it out! There's a Peasantry out there!"

[edit] M

  • "make friends with kerrek" - "Look, it didn't work for Strongbad and it's not gonna work for you either." (As seen in for kids)
  • "make wish" (at the well) - "This isn't that kind of well. This is a plaguewater well."
  • "map" (before you find the map; anywhere) - "We are neither confirming nor denying the presence of a map in this game, but irridisregardless, you don't have one."

[edit] N

[edit] O

  • "open _____"
    • "door"
      • (at the Jhonka's cave while he's inside) - "It's locked. With one o' them SCHLAGE deadbolts, too. Those things are hard core."
      • (at Naked Ned's cottage) - "How? There's no knob."
      • (at Naked Ned's cottage, after the baby opens it) - "It's already open. Since this is an adventure game we're gonna proffer you adventure yourself on in there."
      • (at the inn, while it's closed) - "It's locked fast!"
      • (inside the inn, before getting a room) - "'That's the pantry,' says the Innkeeper. 'Employees only.'"
    • "drawer"
      • (in Naked Ned's cottage when it's open) - "Yeah, totally! Except it's already open you moron."
      • (in Naked Ned's cottage after getting the robe and closing the drawer) - "You already closed it, which was nice, and so we gave you some points. Let sleeping drawers lie."

[edit] P

  • "party" (anywhere) - "You are part of the Whig party. They are making gangrene-awareness their number one campaign priority."
  • "pet horse/poor gary" (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "Aww, that's sweet. Poor Gary tries in vain to bite your arm off."
  • "play game" (at the archery range, before saying "haldo" to Dongolev) - "The gallery's not open and you got no bow or arrows, Cupid."
  • "pull/push door" (at Naked Ned's cottage) - "It doesn't budge, man."
  • "put _____"
    • "baby" (at the well) - "Where you wanna toss em?"
    • "baby in bucket/well" (at the well, before getting the baby) - "Hmmmm... A baby, eh? You check your sundial. Babies-R-Us is probably closed by now."
    • "baby in bucket"
      • (too far from bucket) - "You're not that keen a shot. Try standing a little closer."
      • (after getting the sub) - "Li'l tyke seems to enjoy the ride, but - thin or not - we've got a plot to advance here."
    • "baby in well"
      • (at the well with the baby) - "Jeez man! At least put the poor little guy in the bucket! Give him a fighting chance!"
    • "pebbles" - "Where you wanna toss em?"
    • "pebbles/rocks in bucket"
      • (at the well, when you don't have them) - "Find some pebbles first and you might have the makings of a good idea. About time."
      • (after getting the maskus) - "We've already been through this exercise and it went pretty well, ya?"
    • "pebbles/rocks in well"
      • (at the well, when you have them) - "Then it'd be tough to get them back. You never go ANYWHERE without your rocks"
      • (at the well, when you don't have them or after you've gotten the maskus) - "Riiight, right. Which ones?"
  • "pwd" - Prints on-screen your location as a (fake) directory.

[edit] Q

  • "quit" - "Well fine Boring Sanders! Hope you saved your game cause it is OVER between us!" (Warning: The game still quits.)

[edit] R

  • "ride horse/poor gary" (at Poor Gary's glen, before scaring him) - "Naw, snapping horse spines just doesn't seem as cool as it did in high school."
  • "ring bell" (in the inn) - "Instead of ringing or dinging, it just goes DUNG."

[edit] S

  • "search bush"
    • (the same bush twice outside the woman's cottage) - "You already searched that bush. It was okay. Nothing to write home about... oh, wait... you don't have a home. My b."
    • (after you've gotten the trinket, outside the woman's cottage) - "You've searched your fill of berry bushes for this game. If you want to search more press 'reload' on the browser"
  • "save" (in the Kerrek's domain while he's still alive) - "You can't be fumbling with a floppy while the Kerrek is bearing down on you."
  • "scare horse" (at Poor Gary's glen, before getting the mask) - "You tell Gary the "THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!" one but he doesn't act very scared. He's probably heard it before." or: "You tell Gary about how much cholesterol is in hay and how his arteries are probably all black and clogged. He shrugs it off." or: "You tell Gary the story about the kid who pops this big zit he has and all these baby spiders come out. It doesn't phase him."
  • "sit on stump" (at Poor Gary's glen) - "Are you THAT bored?! Do some questing already!"
  • "skip stones" (at the west side of the lake) - "You've always been terrible at skipping stones. And you're even worse at just plain throwing rocks in lakes. You decide to save yourself the embarrassment."
  • "slay trogdor" (while Trogdor's asleep, in his lair) - "Like how?"
  • "sleep _____" (can be followed by anything or nothing) (inside the woman's cottage) - "That's probably how the first baby got here. Forget it."
  • "sleep/sleep on bed" (in the inn while the man is there) - "You probably want to talk to that stinky old guy over there about that."
  • "smell/sniff" (anywhere) - "Smells like a computer game."
  • "swim"
    • (at the rock in the river) - "Peasants can't swim. Like, it's illegal."
    • (at the waterfall) - "That waterfall would probably churn you into one of those weight-gain protein smoothies."
    • (at the west side of the lake) - "Not in this game, Swimmer Dan! In this game, you drown."

[edit] T

  • "talk"
    • (at the archery range, while away from or behind the desk) - "Why don't you saddle up to the front of the table there, cowboy?"
    • (at the archery range, after beating the minigame) - "Go away!" says Dongolev. "We're arguing about who's hotter," adds Mendelev.
    • (at wavy tree, with Naked Ned visible)- "You startled him and he disappears!"
  • "talk ____"
    • (someone not in the screen, inanimate, or nonexistent; anywhere) - "It's sad when you have to make up people to talk to."
    • "baby" (inside the woman's cottage, before you get the baby) - "You say some cute, stupid stuff and the baby just blows snot bubbles."
    • "gary" (at Poor Gary's glen when he's there) - "Your attempts at conversation are met with horse grunts and tail flaps. Which is better than you do at conversation with most people."
    • "jhonka" (while inside the hay) - "Not now! You'll blow your cover!"
    • "kerrek" (in the Kerrek's domain while he is alive) - "Me llamo Julio,' you begin... It seems only to further anger the already temperamental Kerrek. That stupid 'Learn Kerrek in 3 Weeks' cassette did nothing for you!"
    • "lady" (inside the woman's cottage after she's gone) - "You'd call out her name and let it ring through the empty room, enveloping you in sorrow, but you don't actually know her name."
    • "Naked Ned" (at the wavy tree, with Naked Ned visible)- "'Never speak of this meeting!' says the nudie and he disapperars."
    • "tree" (at the wavy tree) - "Trees can't talk but a breeze picks up and you swear the leaves whisper the words 'Naked Ned.' Weird."
    • "trogdor" (in Trogdor's lair while he's asleep) - "You yell some choice expletives at Trogdor but he doesn't wake up. There's a cool echo, though."
    • "well" (At the well) "You yell into the well and enjoy the echo. Keep in mind there are no stereos yet."
  • "this sucks" (anywhere) - "Come now. Don't get discouraged."
  • "throw _____"
    • (anything but the feed; at the fisherman's lake while he is fishing) - " 'That isn't gonna work for bait!' the old man screams, at a needlessly harsh volume."
    • (feed or baby; at south side of lake, either side) - "Maybe try again from the center of the lake. Looks deeper there."
    • (anything; when the fisherman is gone) - "You already fed the fish. Let's get moving, here, people!"
    • "baby"
      • (anywhere but the west side of the lake) - "Hmmm. Maybe try someplace else.
      • (at the west side of the lake before getting the baby) - "I think you misread the walkthrough on GameFAQs. You gotta get the baby first."
      • (at the west side of the lake after getting the soda) - "Baby Dashing is a little waterlogged from the toss, and you read his soft gurgling to mean that there's no more soda left."
      • (anywhere without the baby) - "You don't even have two babies to rub together."
    • "feed"
      • (at the east side of the lake before getting the feed) - "You have nothing with which to do that...with."
      • (at the east side of the lake after throwing the feed) - "You already fed the fish. Let's get moving here, people!You already fed the fish. Let's get moving here, people!" (The repetition is probably just a goof.)
  • "try" - (at Naked Ned's cottage) - "Okay, fine. You try to cut off your hard-earned extremities. It doesn't work. You dead. Thanks for nothing." (Warning: You die.)
  • "turn crank"
    • (at the well, on the other side of the screen) - "You got a short reach to match your short pants. Try standing closer to that crank."
    • (at well, after you get the maskus) - {first time} "Down she goes! You could do this all day!" {second time} "The drama grips you, but the bucket is empty. On the bright side, you're getting a pretty sweet workout for your Deltoidus Rex muscles."

[edit] U

  • "use/deploy baby"
    • (at Naked Ned's hut, before getting the baby) - "Swell idea, but is you ain't my baby? I.e. you ain't got one?"
    • (at Naked Ned's hut, before moving the stone) - "Use the baby where? You haven't anywhere inconsiderate to stuff 'm."
    • (at Naked Ned's hut, after the baby has left) - "Li'l P.B. has moved on, and the door seems to be open... I can't see why we'd go through this all over again."
  • "use pebbles" (at the well) - "What do you propose to do with them? Discuss."

[edit] V

[edit] W

  • "wake up trogdor" - "Troggie...", you murmur. "Troggie, wake up it's time for Burnination school." He's not budging."
  • "wear _____"
    • "belt" (after getting the belt) - "You're already wearing it. Too bad you smell like the trash barge off Peasant Isle."
    • "mask"
      • (anywhere but Poor Gary's glen) - "Not on this screen. You've got your image to think about. Actually, you might want to start deliberating on that right now."
      • (in Poor Gary's glen after scaring him) - "Gary's gone now. Let go. Just let go. Let go!"
    • "robe"
      • (if the robe is not in your inventory) - "You don't have anything but your 'Scalding Lake' t-shirt. And pants. Forgot to mention the pants."
      • (if you are already wearing the robe) - "You're already in the old skool robe. Represent."
  • "what the f—" (uncensored version) (anywhere) - "Come now. Don't get discouraged."
  • "where" (anywhere) - "You're hanging out in {location}."
  • "why" (anywhere) - "I wish I knew."

[edit] X

[edit] Y

  • "Yes" (to the Jhonka when he asks you about his riches) - "'I KILL YOU!!' screams the Jhonka. {The Jhonka clubs you to death} Club or turkey leg, the jhonka sure just beat you senseless with whatever he was holding. You dead. Thanks for playing!" (Warning: Obviously, you will die.)

[edit] Z

[edit] Action Based

Warning: All of the below will kill you.

  • (Walk too close to the Kerrek) - {The Kerrek pounds your head into the ground} Your mom always told you not to take head poundings from strange Kerreks. And NOW looks what's happened. You dead. Thanks for playing.
  • (Walk in the path of Dongolev's arrows) - Hopefully this guy will have some sense and not shoot you. {Dongolev shoots you in the head} That guy has no sense. He shot you. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Nice one, William Tell. You dead. Thanks for playing.
  • (Leave the screen after putting the baby in the bucket) - Nice try. Ditch the baby at the bottom of the well, eh? Thought you'd be able to just walk away and it's nothing by mead and wenches from now on, huh? Well guess what? You dead. Thanks for playing.
  • (Hit by rock or pterodactyl when climbing the cliff) - {You fall to the ground and lie in a heap} Oops! You climbed real bad. You knew that you were AVOIDING the rocks, right? Not collecting them. Anyways, nice try. You dead. Thanks for playing.
  • (Walk too close to Trogdor while he's asleep) - {Trogdor burninates you without waking up} Yow. Looks like you got a little too close. You dead. Maybe next time don't get too close.
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