Hremail 2000

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Revision as of 05:52, 2 February 2009

Transcript

{Homestar is in silhouette, sitting at his desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Give it the gas, people! It's the breakout album of the year, Homestar Runner!

{Homestar Runner's Theme Song plays as the scene lights up.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Thanks, shadow self! We'll do battle later. Today's missive {produces a paper} comes from Josh Key in Corvallis, Oregon! {reads in a nervous high-pitched voice:}

Dear Homestar.

How long should a person keep
a pair of shoes? I have this one
pair that has been around for
years, but they're falling apart
pretty badly now. My girlfriend
thinks that I should get rid of
them. So what should I do? Repair
or replace?

Urgently waiting for your advice,
Josh

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now you see those three little words?

{He holds up the paper to the audience, and the camera zooms in on it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: "My girlfriend thinks"?

{As he says each word, the appropriate word is highlighted, with a different sound effect for each. Cut back to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's your problem right there! {puts down the paper} I got one o' them, too. {Gets up and walks toward the Arturo.} The lad-ays just don't understand that it can take a man's shoes five to seven years to finally get that sought-after walkin'-around-with-someone-else's-slightly-larger-foot-pelts-on-your-feet feeling! Stuff like holes, duct tape, and rank odor are—

{Zoom in on the Arturo. A picture of a man's head appears.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {from offscreen} —just the shoe equivalent of graying hair—

{The hair of the man in the picture grays a little.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —buying a blue Neonta—

{A convertible appears under the head; the head is big enough to fill the both of the front seats.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: — and dating your graduate assistant!

{A woman appears beside the head, proportioned correctly for the car. The head winks with a "ding" sound effect. Cut back to Homestar, sitting back down at the desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now first of all, Josh, let's find out how old your shoes really are. And by that I mean—

{Cut to the image of a very battered-looking shoe with "STREISAND" scrawled onto the side. Green clouds are seen behind it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} —how many office supplies you got holdin' 'em together.

{Rubber bands appear wrapped around the shoe.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Rubber bands for laces?

{Paperclips appear on the shoe.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Paperclips keeping the tongue from falling apart?

{Two binder clips appear.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: These little things doing... {The clips grab parts of the shoes as Homestar hesitates.} their... little thing? Why do I wanna call these—

{Cut back to Homestar. He's holding up a binder clip.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —"cow clips"? {turns around} Does anyone else call these "cow clips"? No? {He holds the clip up to the camera and and opens it. As though providing the sound for the clip:} Moooo! Moooooo! {puts the clip down} If your kicks are old enough, as my pair of—

{Cut to a stylized closeup of Homestar's feet. Black hairs are visible on Homestar's legs. His left shoe has some green slime coming out from the sole, is torn and stained, and has multiple oddly-colored bumps on it. His right shoe's sole is coming unraveled.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —Freshley's Trackfaster Pro Squadrons {a logo for this brand appears} certainly are—

{Cut back to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —then you can usually distract a few more months outta your girlfriend with...

{Cut to a stage over two blue lumps.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} A puppet show!

{The camera pans back, revealing that the stage is very small and the blue lumps are part of Marzipan's couch. Marzipan is sitting on it, looking cross. One of Homestar's feet comes up over the sofa; his foot has googly-eyes attached to it and some fake "hair" that resembles blonde pigtails. It "speaks" by having its sole partially disconnect from the rest of the shoe.}

'HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the shoe-puppet} Tra-la-la! I'm a lonely Swiss miss lost in a chanted forest!

{Another leg appears. This one also has googly eyes, but a small purple wizard cap and drawn-on eyebrows and a mustache.}

'HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the second shoe-puppet} Yes! And now you will toil away in my toil-et mines! While I get all the kickbacks! {as the first puppet} Oh no! Who will save me?

{A third leg appears. This one has the googly eyes on the sole, rather than the foot, and has a blonde "wig" on it. Marzipan sits up, startled.}

'HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the third puppet} I'll save you!

{Marzipan gasps loudly. The screen dims as the camera zooms in.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} And when your puppet show gets canceled after three seasons...

{Cut to a closeup of Marzipan}

MARZIPAN: {angrily} You mean the whole last season was a dream?! Gimme a break! They shoulda just had babies, and then the babies shoulda gotten married.

{Cut to Homestar at his desk.}

HOMESTAR: ...then it's time to start wearin' giant socks {holds up a giant sock} over your old shoes with even bigger shoes {holds up a shoe that resembles his own, but larger, and has "SIZE 18" written in it} on top!