April Fool 2014

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Transcript

{The Homestarrunner.com welcome screen is visible, but dim. On the left is "com on in", with the "e" in "come" having fallen down below the words. On the right is "watch intro"; the "a" has fallen a bit and has pushed aside some of the letters below it. Homestar Runner, though dim like the rest of the screen, appears as normal. The top-left corner of the screen is sagging slightly. Wind can be heard in the background. After a few seconds, a drop of water falls and Homestar sighs. The sagging corner falls a little over the next line, exposing some HTML behind it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {aside, to himself} You got this, Homestar. This is nothin'. Just like fallin' off a web page.

{The lights come on.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hello, Debra! {turns to the side} Simone! {leans into the camera} The internet! {leans back} I am what you might call Homestar Runner. {beat, then throws confetti. Out of the side of his mouth:} Yaaaay! Over the last several years of my dot com, peoples all the time be askin' me: "Hey Homestar! How come you stopped updating y—"

{Homestar stars coughing and sputtering.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ahem! Sorry, got some {a piece of crab, with a drop of blood falling from it, appears from inside his mouth} crab shell stuck in my throat. {throws it aside} Continuing! "How come you stopped updating the best feature on your website?" And to that I answer: "You mean how come I stopped updating the Hairstyle Runner gallery back in the year 2000?" {holds up the Hairstyle Runner toy} I don't know! Let's go update it right now, Joshy!

{He winds up to run toward stage left.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yup. You guessed it. {takes off} Peow!

{Another drop of water falls after he is gone. Cut to the "Hairstyle Gallery", as noted by a banner on the top of the screen. It is a museum entryway, entirely done in the style of the older toons. There is a statue of Homestar with a leaf over his crotch and olive branches on his head, holding a tablet that reads "PLVRBVS OVRBVS". In the lower-right corner are two banners reading "SEE THE GALLERY" and "SUBMIT YOUR OWN". Homestar, in his modern appearance, walks in and looks at the statue.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Whoa-hoa-hoa! Hello there, magnificent specimen! {takes the leaf} Poik! {he places it over his own crotch} That's better! Let's get started!

{He turns to look at a Hairstyle Runner allegedly submitted by "Cherry G.". It shows the iron shavings placed to look like eyes and a bird beak on the back of Homestar's head.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {from offscreen} This one from Cherry G. makes the back of my head look like some kind of bald eagle.

{Cut back to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {laughing} Huh-huh-huh-huh! He's so bald in his... in his decision making! Oh-ho! He's our national bird! Ohhh man! What fun!

{Turns to look at one from "D. Lindo" that has "P." written on Homestar's head in the shavings.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {from offscreen} Here's one from D. Lindo that simply has the letter—

{Cut back to Homestar as he snickers, then breaks out laughing.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Haaa! Ha ha ha ha ha! It's the letter— {snickers again, and then turns to the side} Pom Pom, ya gotta see this! {doubles over} It's the letter P! Followed by a period! {rolls over onto his back} Ha ha ha ha ha! Who puts a period after the letter P?! {calming down} Ohh man, I'm gonna stand back up. {starts to get up} I'm'a stand back up right now. {stands up} Whew! I am on a roll! What else can we update? I know! Let's bring everybody's favorite old-timey cartoon—

{Cut to the intro to Kick the Can.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {from offscreen} —into the modern age!

{The Homestar Runner appears, kicking the can. He approaches Sickly Sam.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {from offscreen} With my patented Colorarization!

{Colors appear from the right side of the screen with the blinking word "COLORARIZATION!" appearing. The colors are mostly pastel colors that don't fit the scene at all. Sickly Sam's legs become beefy human-looking legs covered in hair, but his main body doesn't change at all.}