record book

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Revision as of 07:46, 25 July 2005

Biggest Waste of Dump

Strong Bad Email #134

Strong Bad tells us his "bottom 10."

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Strong Sad, The King of Town, Homestar Runner, Coach Z, Homsar, The Cheat

Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} Drape it over your aaaaaaarms, step out in styyyyyle, Strong Bad Emaaaaaaail... {starts reading}

subject: records

dear strong bad,
i was wondering if you were in the record book. if so,
what for?

nathan, tx

{Strong Bad says "tx" as "Tee-Ex", as in the individual letters.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Oooh, the Nathan TX! That has, like, way four more cylinders than the standard Nathan. Better Blue Book value, too. I can't remember if I'm in the record book or not. Seems like I should be. Let's take a look. A book-look!

{Cut to a table. Strong Bad places "THE RECORD BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS The Book!" on the table.}

STRONG BAD: All right, let's see what we got in here.

{He opens the book to page 42. The page shows a picture of a really dirty Coach Z with an afro and moustache, and reads "Chapter 4 - Records of Smell, Longest Showering Streak 65 Days, 3 Hours, 42 Minutes: COACH Z."}

STRONG BAD: Sixty-five days?! That's way outdated! I'm pretty sure he's surpassed that one by several fortnights at this point.

{Turns to page 116. This page shows young Strong Bad in a diaper and reads "Chapter 4 - Records of Smell, Dirtiest Diapey, Very, Very Dirty: LI'L STRONG BAD."}

STRONG BAD: Dirtiest Diap— Whoa! {throws eggs, bacon, and coffee on the page and makes coughing noises} Coffee eggs bacon! Oh, too bad, I accidentally made breakfast all over whatever that record was for.

{Cut back to the Lappy}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Clearly, this book is in serious need of an update. Let's begin with the title. How about: Count Longardeaux's Book of Party Tricks, Redneck Jokes, and Worldly Records. {The book appears} Now that sounds like a book worthy of every toilet-side magazine basket. Now let's go see about updating some o' them records.

{He gets up. We now see Strong Sad, holding a magnifying glass and writing on grains of rice. Strong Bad walks up.}

STRONG BAD: 'Sup, double-bottom? How much you weigh?

STRONG SAD: What do you wanna know that for?

STRONG BAD: Count Longardeaux has me out gathering up new records {holds up a clipboard, which has a paper on it that reads "who the fattest?"} for his record book.

STRONG SAD: Oh! Well then this should interest you! I've transcribed Paradise Lost onto this single grain of Bazmati rice! {Cut to a view of the rice grain through the magnifying glass.} In four languages!

STRONG BAD: Oh, yeah! That definitely deserves a record!

{A buzzer is heard and a page of the book is shown. It reads "Chapter 7 - Records of Lonliness, Biggest Waste of Dump: Strong "The Biggest Waste of Dump" Sad." The picture shows Strong Sad looking through his magnifying glass at the camera.}

{Cut to the King of Town's castle. The King of Town is seen with a giant pile of salt in front of him. Strong Bad walks up.}

STRONG BAD: All right, King o' Town, I need some disgusting eating records. Why don't you just, uh, have lunch, and I'm sure you'll set several without even trying.

THE KING OF TOWN: Ooh! I like eating lunch! Today I'm having a giant pile of salt!

{The camera pans over, and we can now see the entire pile. We can also see a salt shaker sitting near the pile. The King sucks it all in in one gulp, like a vaccuum cleaner, including the salt shaker.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa! Nice woik!

{The King seems to hiccup three times.}

STRONG BAD: What, you got-a some hiccups?

{The King "hiccups" again.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Nope. Those, my friend, are heart attacks!

{Another buzzer, another page that reads "Chapter 3 - Disgusting Eating/Old Person Records, Least Healthiest (Man?): The King of Town." The King "hiccups" again.}

{Cut to Homestar Runner in The Field on his soapbox, which now reads "THIRTEEN, Y'ALL."}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What do you call a redneck, with no teeth, watching stock car racing all day? Ba-ha-ha-haaa! Man, they do not wear shirts!

{Cut to Strong Bad and Coach Z, also in The Field.}

STRONG BAD: So, Coach Z, what kind of wonderment do you have in store for us? That's not shower-related?

COACH Z: Well, I'm gonna set the world record for puttin' nine pieces {starts putting gum on his face} of chewed gum up on my face and singin' the "I'm Just Me" song and hoppin' around on one foot! {He starts hopping on one foot.}

STRONG BAD: Coach...

COACH Z: {singing} I'm just me! {Strong Bad shakes his head.} Can't you see? {Strong Bad starts hitting himself.} I'm just a silly little bumblebee!

STRONG BAD: Augh, please stop! {Coach Z stops hopping and singing, but remains on one foot.} Look, you can't just make up some random crap that no one else will ever do and call that a "record." {Cut to Homsar, hopping on one foot with gum on his face. Music starts.} Count Longardeaux would not stand for it!

HOMSAR: I'm just me! Can't you see? I'm just a silly little bumblebee!

{Homestar pops up.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Once does a redneck man, call some dead 'possum, lyin' in the middle of the road. Ba-ha-ha-haa! Probably sushi!

{An unseen audience groans.}

{Cut back to the Lappy.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Well, I think we're just about done here. Strong Mad set the record {A page of the book that reads "Chapter 2 - Special Records, Most Macaronis Nailed To A Paper Towel Tube... By Strong Mad (Just One!): Strong Mad." The picture shows Strong Mad holding his tube.} for the Most Macaronis Nailed To A Paper Towel Tube...By Strong Mad. {Another page, "Chapter 11 - Records of Smell/Track and Field, Pole Vault, 20 ft. 1.5 in.: Marzipan" appears. This one has no picture, and instead there is a black box that reads "Suprisingly, No Photo Available."} Marzipan set the World Record for the pole vault. And Bubs won Cutest Couple. {Yet another page, this one reading "Chapter 9 - Superlatives, Cutest Couple: Bubs" with a picture of Bubs (and no one else) trying to look cute.} Oh, wait, I forgot about me. I gots to get in this record book somehow. I'll get the record for...

{Cut back to show The Cheat standing nearby.}

THE CHEAT: {says something}

STRONG BAD: What?! "Most rectangular mouth?!" My mouth can be round!

THE CHEAT: {says something}

STRONG BAD: What a bunch of bull {making his mouth as round as possible} hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—

{A buzzer is heard, followed by a page appears that reads "Chapter 7 - Saying Words For A Long Time Records, Longest 'Bull Honkey', 13.4 Seconds: The Human Strong Bad." The picture shows Strong Bad in the same position he was just seen in.}

STRONG BAD: —nkey. Bull honkey.

{The Paper comes down.}