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Subtitles logo These are the English subtitles for Date Nite. watch this toon
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<transcript file="datenite.swf" xml:lang="en-us" width="550" height="400">
<line start="15" end="42" speaker="sfx">music</line>
<line start="43" end="99" speaker="homestar">Wha-ho, Marzipan! You look like a fox's mother!</line>
<line start="100" end="157" speaker="marzipan">Homestar, if you're trying to say I'm a foxy momma, that's actually more offensive.</line>
<line start="158" end="181" speaker="homestar">Right, right. You know what I mean.</line>
<line start="182" end="198" speaker="homestar">The more offensive one.</line>
<line start="199" end="222" speaker="homestar">So where are we goin' tonight?</line>
<line start="223" end="249" speaker="homestar">The Chez Perez?</line>
<line start="250" end="291" speaker="marzipan">Uh, no. I have a hot date with The Cheat, thank you very much.</line>
<line start="292" end="337" speaker="marzipan">I suspect <em>you'll</em> probably stay home and run in place or something.</line>
<line start="338" end="355" speaker="homestar">Well I was planning to—</line>
<line start="356" end="369" speaker="homestar">You WHAT?!</line>
<line start="371" end="384" speaker="strongbad">You WHAT?!</line>
<line start="385" end="405" speaker="thecheat">The Cheat noises</line>
<line start="406" end="432" speaker="strongbad">I can't believe this, The Cheat!</line>
<line start="433" end="465" speaker="homestar">I can't believe you're The Cheating on me!</line>
<line start="466" end="479" speaker="homestar">So what are you saying?</line>
<line start="480" end="531" speaker="homestar">That you—gulp—"want his bod"?</line>
<line start="532" end="555" speaker="strongbad">You can't even call that thing a bod!</line>
<line start="556" end="576" speaker="strongbad">At best it's a broom or a—</line>
<line start="577" end="603" speaker="homestar">—Trivial Pursuit cheese wedge!</line>
<line start="604" end="665" speaker="marzipan">Look, Homestar, it's just a date. This has always been an open relationship.</line>
<line start="666" end="688" speaker="homestar">Whoa-ho-ho-says you.</line>
<line start="689" end="748" speaker="homestar">I've turned down more fox's mothers than I can count just to stay loyal to you!</line>
<line start="749" end="767" speaker="marzipan">So, four, then?</line>
<line start="768" end="817" speaker="homestar">Oh, that's rich. Ms. Smarty Pants, eh?</line>
<line start="818" end="838" speaker="strongbad">Mr. Smarty Spots, huh?</line>
<line start="839" end="850"><strongbad>Well—</strongbad><homestar>Why—</homestar></line>
<line start="851" end="857"><strongbad>Don't—</strongbad><homestar>You—</homestar></line>
<line start="858" end="866"><strongbad>Just—</strongbad><homestar>Go a—</homestar></line>
<line start="867" end="875"><strongbad>Head—</strongbad><homestar>And—</homestar></line>
<line start="876" end="895"><strongbad>GET OUTTA MY FACE!</strongbad><homestar>GET OUTTA MY FACE!</homestar></line>
<line start="896" end="904" speaker="homestar">Wait, what?</line>
<line start="905" end="918" speaker="strongbad">What the crap?</line>
<line start="919" end="936" speaker="marzipan">Come on, The Cheat, let's go.</line>
<line start="937" end="1055" speaker="sfx">music</line>
<line start="1056" end="1076" speaker="homestar">Oh. Man.</line>
<line start="1077" end="1126" speaker="homestar">Seriously, Strong Strong, we've gotta do something about this.</line>
<line start="1127" end="1172" speaker="strongbad">Ordinarily, I just drown my sorrows in video games, </line>
<line start="1173" end="1208" speaker="strongbad">But for this, maybe I should drown them in... <span style="visibility:hidden">drowning <em>them</em>!</span></line>
<line start="1209" end="1231" speaker="strongbad">But for this, maybe I should drown them in... drowning <em>them</em>!</line>
<line start="1232" end="1261" speaker="homestar">Uh, maybe let's not kill anybody.</line>
<line start="1262" end="1288" speaker="homestar">We should just try and ruin their date.</line>
<line start="1289" end="1334" speaker="strongbad">Explain to me how drowning them wouldn't ruin their date.</line>
<line start="1335" end="1365" speaker="homestar">Mainly, I just want to keep 'em from making out.</line>
<line start="1366" end="1408" speaker="strongbad">Ewww! The disgust! It won't wash off!</line>
<line start="1415" end="1439" speaker="thecheat">The Cheat noises</line>
<line start="1440" end="1500" speaker="marzipan">Why, yes, The Cheat, I would be very comfortable with you saying something about my figure.</line>
<line start="1501" end="1519" speaker="marzipan">Thank you for asking first.</line>
<line start="1520" end="1543" speaker="thecheat">suggestive The Cheat noises</line>
<line start="1544" end="1570" speaker="marzipan">Ew. Not that comfortable.</line>
<line start="1571" end="1599" speaker="homestar">Ah, good evening, ungodly couple.</line>
<line start="1600" end="1635" speaker="homestar">My name is waiter, I will be your Homestar for this evening.</line>
<line start="1636" end="1705" speaker="homestar">Can I start you two off with a glass of "Breaking Up", or perhaps "Never Seeing Each Other Again" with capers?</line>
<line start="1706" end="1723" speaker="thecheat">angry The Cheat noises</line>
<line start="1724" end="1775" speaker="homestar">Why, yes, The Cheat, I would be comfortable with you "cleaning my clock"!</line>
<line start="1776" end="1795" speaker="homestar">Thanks for asking first!</line>
<line start="1796" end="1801" speaker="thecheat">angrier The Cheat noises</line>
<line start="1802" end="1817"><thecheat>angrier The Cheat noises</thecheat><homestar>Ahhhh!</homestar></line>
<line start="1822" end="1839" speaker="homestar">Can I settle up with you guys?</line>
<line start="1840" end="1851" speaker="homestar">My shift's over.</line>
<line start="1852" end="1868" speaker="thecheat">Angry The Cheat noises</line>
<line start="1873" end="1935" speaker="marzipan">Mmmmm, my almond-encrusted Chilean sea marshmallow was just delicious.</line>
<line start="1936" end="1948" speaker="marzipan">How was your hot dog?</line>
<line start="1949" end="1962" speaker="thecheat">The Cheat noises</line>
<line start="1963" end="1999" speaker="strongbad">Oh-a, it's-a me! The chef-a!</line>
<line start="2000" end="2045" speaker="strongbad">A-which-a one o' you guys ordered the smack-in-the-face-a?</line>
<line start="2046" end="2067" speaker="marzipan">I thought this was a French restaurant.</line>
<line start="2068" end="2115" speaker="strongbad">Oh. Ummmmmmmmmuh...</line>
<line start="2116" end="2137" speaker="strongbad">Sn-Snails?</line>
<line start="2138" end="2179" speaker="marzipan">Come on, T.C., let's blow this marshmallow stand.</line>
<line start="2194" end="2233" speaker="strongbad">Yeah, y'know, I-I didn't really research this role.</line>
<line start="2234" end="2248" speaker="thecheat">excited The Cheat noises</line>
<line start="2249" end="2266" speaker="marzipan">That's so crazy!</line>
<line start="2267" end="2315" speaker="marzipan">I've always wanted to see Ira Glass and Ira Flatow wrestle, too.</line>
<line start="2327" end="2357" speaker="marzipan"><em>(distorted)</em> This has been such a great date, The Cheat.</line>
<line start="2358" end="2387" speaker="marzipan"><em>(distorted)</em> I don't know what could possibly ruin it.</line>
<line start="2388" end="2406"><strongbad>Verify our range to target!</strongbad><homestar sfx="MATT">makes sonar noises</homestar></line>
<line start="2407" end="2427"><strongbad>Flood tubes three and four!</strongbad><homestar sfx="MATT">makes sonar noises</homestar></line>
<line start="2428" end="2445"><strongbad>Hunt for Red October!</strongbad><homestar sfx="MATT">makes sonar noises</homestar></line>
<line start="2446" end="2460" speaker="homestar">Aye aye, sir!</line>
<line start="2461" end="2471" speaker="homestar" sfx="MATT">Makes sonar noise</line>
<line start="2472" end="2490" speaker="strongbad" voiceover="MATT">FIRE!</line>
<line start="2508" end="2520"><homestar sfx="MATT">screams</homestar><strongbad sfx="MATT">screams</strongbad></line>
<line start="2539" end="2570" speaker="marzipan">Ooooh, it's so romantic...</line>
<line start="2571" end="2591" speaker="thecheat">sighs</line>
<line start="2592" end="2695"><strongbad><em>(singing)</em> Come to the place where the tropical breezes blow...</strongbad><homestar sfx="MATT">hums along</homestar></line>
<line start="2761" end="2795" speaker="homestar">Oh, if it isn't Marzipan.</line>
<line start="2796" end="2836" speaker="homestar">Oh, I'm sorry, or was it "The Marzipan", now?</line>
<line start="2837" end="2867" speaker="marzipan">Well, you'll be happy to know it didn't work out between us.</line>
<line start="2868" end="2941" speaker="marzipan">I found out The Cheat is declawed, and I just don't think I could be with someone that supports that kind of cruelty.</line>
<line start="2942" end="2992" speaker="homestar">And now you've come crawlin' back to the old fox's father!</line>
<line start="2993" end="3050" speaker="marzipan">No, I just came to change outfits for my next date with Bubs at the all-night waffle place!</line>
<line start="3051" end="3066" speaker="homestar">You WHAT?!</line>
<line start="3067" end="3088" speaker="coachz">You WHORT?! </line>
<line start="3089" end="3210" speaker="sfx">music</line>
<line start="3224" end="3289" speaker="announcer" voiceover="MATT">And join us next Saturday at some civic hall auditorium for "Public Rage-o."</line>
<line start="3290" end="3330" speaker="announcer" voiceover="MATT">All your favorite public radio superstars will be in action.</line>
<line start="3331" end="3394" speaker="announcer" voiceover="MATT">Watch as Ira Glass and Ira Flatow duke it out in a no-holds-barred lumberjack match.</line>
<line start="3395" end="3464" speaker="announcer" voiceover="MATT">And special guest Garrison Keillor wrestles his own soothing voice in a steel cage. </line>
<line start="3465" end="3509" speaker="strongsad">Oh, geez, I gotta pledge more next year.</line>
<line start="3510" end="3540" speaker="strongsad">They're really getting desperate.</line>
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