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Subtitles logo These are the English subtitles for Hremail 2000. watch this toon
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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<transcript xml:lang="en-us" file="hremail2000.swf" width="550" height="400">
  <line start="32" end="75" speaker="homestar">Give it the gas, people! It's the breakout album of the year,</line>
  <line start="76" end="85" speaker="homestar">Homestar Runner!</line>
  <line start="86" end="107"><homestar>Homestar Runner!</homestar><sfx>applause</sfx></line>
  <line start="108" end="138"><span style="visibility:hidden"><homestar>Homestar Runner!</homestar></span><sfx>applause</sfx></line>
  <line start="139" end="156" speaker="homestar">Thanks, shadow self!</line>
  <line start="157" end="172" speaker="homestar">We'll do battle later.</line>
  <line start="173" end="224" speaker="homestar">Today's missile comes from Josh Keady in Corvallis, Oregon!</line>
  <line start="225" end="241" speaker="homestar">"Dear Homestar.</line>
  <line start="242" end="275" speaker="homestar">"How long should a person keep a pair of shoes?</line>
  <line start="276" end="310" speaker="homestar">"I have this one pair that has been around for years,</line>
  <line start="311" end="343" speaker="homestar">"but they're falling apart pretty badly now.</line>
  <line start="344" end="377" speaker="homestar">"My girlfriend thinks I should get rid of them.</line>
  <line start="378" end="418" speaker="homestar">"So what do I do? Repair or replace?</line>
  <line start="419" end="459" speaker="homestar">"Urgently waiting for your advice, Josh."</line>
  <line start="460" end="484" speaker="homestar">Now you see those three little words?</line>
  <line start="485" end="488">
<homestar>"My girlfriend thinks"?</homestar>
  <line start="489" end="497">
<homestar>"My girlfriend thinks"?</homestar>
  <line start="498" end="507">
<homestar>"My girlfriend thinks"?</homestar>
  <line start="508" end="511">
<homestar>"My girlfriend thinks"?</homestar>
  <line start="512" end="534" speaker="homestar">That's your problem right there!</line>
  <line start="535" end="557" speaker="homestar">I got one o' them, too.</line>
  <line start="558" end="583" speaker="homestar">The lad-ays just don't understand that</line>
  <line start="584" end="635" speaker="homestar">it can take a man's shoes five to several years to finally get</line>
  <line start="636" end="712" speaker="homestar">that sought-after walkin'-around-with-someone-else's-slightly-larger-foot-pelts-on-your-feet feeling!</line>
  <line start="713" end="775" speaker="homestar">Stuff like holes, duct tape, and rank odor are just the shoe equivalent of</line>
  <line start="776" end="789" speaker="homestar">graying hair, <span style="visibility:hidden">buying a blue Miata, and dating your graduate assistant!</span></line>
  <line start="790" end="808" speaker="homestar">graying hair, buying a blue Miata, <span style="visibility:hidden">and dating your graduate assistant!</span></line>
  <line start="809" end="831" speaker="homestar">graying hair, buying a blue Miata, and dating your graduate assistant!</line>
  <line start="832" end="840" speaker="sfx">ding</line>
  <line start="841" end="892" speaker="homestar">Now first of all, Josh, let's find out how old your shoes <em>really</em> are.</line>
  <line start="893" end="911" speaker="homestar">And by that I mean</line>
  <line start="912" end="941" speaker="homestar">how many office supplies you got holdin' 'em together.</line>
  <line start="942" end="965" speaker="homestar">Rubber bands for laces?</line>
  <line start="966" end="1004" speaker="homestar">Paperclips keeping the tongue from falling apart?</line>
  <line start="1005" end="1046" speaker="homestar">These little things doing... their... little thing?</line>
  <line start="1047" end="1073" speaker="homestar">Why do I wanna call these "cow clips"?</line>
  <line start="1074" end="1115" speaker="homestar">Does anyone else call these "cow clips"? No?</line>
  <line start="1116" end="1155" speaker="homestar">Moooo! Moooooo!</line>
  <line start="1156" end="1174" speaker="homestar">If your kicks are old enough,</line>
  <line start="1175" end="1234" speaker="homestar">as my pair of Freshley's Trackfaster Pro Squadrons certainly are,</line>
  <line start="1235" end="1283" speaker="homestar">then you can usually distract a few more months outta your girlfriend with...</line>
  <line start="1284" end="1312" speaker="homestar" volume="1.5">A puppet show!</line>
  <line start="1313" end="1378" speaker="homestar">Tra-la-la! I'm a lonely Swiss miss lost in a chanted forest!</line>
  <line start="1379" end="1440" speaker="homestar">Yes! And now you will toil away in my toil-et mines,</line>
  <line start="1441" end="1468" speaker="homestar">while I get all the kickbacks!</line>
  <line start="1469" end="1503" speaker="homestar">Oh no! Who will save me?</line>
  <line start="1504" end="1521" speaker="homestar">I'll save you!</line>
  <line start="1522" end="1529" speaker="marzipan" sfx="sfx">gasp</line>
  <line start="1530" end="1574" speaker="homestar" voiceover="voiceover">And when your puppet show gets canceled after three seasons...</line>
  <line start="1575" end="1602" speaker="marzipan">You mean the whole last season was a dream?!</line>
  <line start="1603" end="1616" speaker="marzipan">Gimme a break!</line>
  <line start="1617" end="1631" speaker="marzipan">They shoulda just had babies,</line>
  <line start="1632" end="1657" speaker="marzipan">and then the babies shoulda gotten married.</line>
  <line start="1658" end="1701" speaker="homestar">then it's time to start wearin' giant socks over your old shoes</line>
  <line start="1702" end="1733" speaker="homestar">with even bigger shoes on top of 'em!</line>
  <line start="1734" end="1775" speaker="homestar">And since you got one o' them thinking-type girlfriends,</line>
  <line start="1776" end="1827" speaker="homestar">I say throw another sock-shoe layer on top, just to be safe.</line>
  <line start="1828" end="1853" speaker="homestar">And at this point, if nothin' else,</line>
  <line start="1854" end="1883" speaker="homestar">you'll probably make a pretty good power-forward.</line>
  <line start="1884" end="1903" speaker="homestar">So go ahead and post up.</line>
  <line start="1904" end="1935" speaker="homestar">I'll be there to hit you in the paint.</line>
  <line start="1936" end="1941" speaker="homestar">Hoo! <span style="visibility:hidden">Heh! Hoo! Hoo-yah! Hoo! Hup!</span></line>
  <line start="1942" end="1946" speaker="homestar">Hoo! Heh! <span style="visibility:hidden">Hoo! Hoo-yah! Hoo! Hup!</span></line>
  <line start="1947" end="1953" speaker="homestar">Hoo! Heh! Hoo! <span style="visibility:hidden">Hoo-yah! Hoo! Hup!</span></line>
  <line start="1954" end="1964" speaker="homestar">Hoo! Heh! Hoo! Hoo-yah! <span style="visibility:hidden">Hoo! Hup!</span></line>
  <line start="1965" end="1970" speaker="homestar">Hoo! Heh! Hoo! Hoo-yah! Hoo! <span style="visibility:hidden">Hup!</span></line>
  <line start="1971" end="1976" speaker="homestar">Hoo! Heh! Hoo! Hoo-yah! Hoo! Hup!</line>
  <line start="1977" end="1990" speaker="homestar">Come on, Stockton!</line>
  <line start="1991" end="2032" speaker="homestar">I'd like to see you break through this impenetrable wall of defense!</line>
  <line start="2033" end="2070" speaker="marzipan">Homestar, you said there was gonna be a dance here tonight!</line>
  <line start="2071" end="2078" speaker="homestar">That's right:</line>
  <line start="2079" end="2116" speaker="homestar">the ancient art of watch-my-baskeeball dance!</line>
  <line start="2117" end="2151" speaker="marzipan">Uh... I think it's bas-KET-ball.</line>
  <line start="2152" end="2162" speaker="sfx">whistle</line>
  <line start="2163" end="2175"><sfx>whistle</sfx><homestar>Technical foul!</homestar></line>
  <line start="2176" end="2218" speaker="homestar">On Stockton! First down!</line>
  <line start="2219" end="2235" speaker="sfx">shuffling noise</line>
  <line start="2247" end="2257" speaker="sfx">ding</line>
  <line start="2266" end="2290" speaker="announcer">Round one! FIGHT!</line>
  <line start="2291" end="2326" speaker="homestar">Aw, man! Shadow Homestar?!</line>
  <line start="2327" end="2348" speaker="homestar">"Hey, I've got a great idea!</line>
  <line start="2349" end="2376" speaker="homestar">"Let's dip the main character in a vat of ink</line>
  <line start="2377" end="2413" speaker="homestar">"and make you fight him before you get to the end boss!"</line>
  <line start="2414" end="2450" speaker="sfx">fighting noises</line>
  <line start="2450" end="2462" speaker="announcer" sfx="sfx">chuckles</line>
  <line start="2463" end="2508" speaker="announcer">Geez. Sorry to laugh, that was just... rough.</line>
  <line start="2509" end="2525" speaker="announcer">Ouch!</line>
  <line start="2551" end="2595" speaker="strongbad">Ah... <em>that's</em> the feeling I've been looking for!</line>
  <line start="2596" end="2618" speaker="strongbad">Come on, foot-pelts!</line>
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