strong badathlon

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This article is about the Strong Bad Email. For the contest, see Strong Badathlon.

Strong Bad Email #165

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String Bed hosts the biggest sports event in the Soviet Socialist Republic of America known as "String Bedathlon 2012".

Cast (in order of appearance): everyone

Places: wherever i may roam

Computer: Lappy 486

Date: Thursday, November 22, 2012

Running Time: 3:39

Page Title: Let the Games Begin!

DVD: strongbad_email.exe Disc Six

Transcript

STRONG BAD: {singing} I'm doin' a {the song "Party All the Time" by Andrew W.K. plays at full blast along with flashing seizure-esque colors and Spongebob fucking Squidward in the ass}

subject: the cheat

Strong bad,
For a long time i've been wondering.... How can you
kill the cheat? If you don't want to do that, could you
beat the shit out of homestar for no reason?

Lewis Rudkin
Essex, England.

{Strong Bad reads Essex as "S-E-X"}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Y'know, it's funny how this always seems to work out, Rudkin... {clears screen} but those just happen to be the first two events in the Strong Badathlon 2012!

{cuts to Strong Badathlon 2012 logo, slowly zooming in. Strong Badia is visible in the background. The intro to "Am I Evil?" by Metallica plays as the fanfare.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Unfortunately, they also happen to be my two best events. Fuck The Cheat is consistently dominated by the Kenyans. I mean the Poopsmith. Ever since he devised the Shitty Slop

{As he says this, it cuts to the Poopsmith next to a pile of shit, and then uses his shovel to fling a shit-covered The Cheat out of the pile.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} ...that guy's unbeatable!

{Cut to Coach Z standing next to the distance markers, watching The Cheat}

THE CHEAT: {Cheat noises as he flies through the air}

COACH Z: Holy shit! It looks like a new record!

{Cuts to The Cheat flying through outer space. The Vic Viper from Gradius flies by as "Burning Heat" from Gradius II plays}

{Cuts to Homsar and Marzipan sitting at a table having tea}

MARZIPAN: And that's why I believe the tampon had been tampered with.

{The Cheat flies onto the table, causing blood to fly onto Marzipan's face and onto the camera, smearing it on the lens.}

MARZIPAN: Aah!

{Cuts to results board of the Strong Badathlon}

Results 2012 StrongBadathlon

The Cheat Fuck

The Poopsmith......211pts.

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Greco-Roman Homestar Shit-Out-of-Beating is another event you'd think I'd be the worst at. But the reigning champion seems to have intimate knowledge of Homestar's strong points.

{As he speaks, it cuts to Homestar walking onto the screen with a sweat band and athletic outfit on.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {punches himself in the stomach} Come on you little bitch. {slaps himself in the face, then punches himself in the stomach} Is that all you got? {punches himself in the side, then the face; his face is imposed by Patrick being hit in the face} Oh yeah? Oh yeah? You think you got it like that? {punches himself 3 times; blood spews out} Whaddya think this is, you little placemat? {gets hit in face once; more blood shoots out} A diaper show? {gets hit in stomach once more; his lungs fall out} It's not a diaper show. {gets hit in stomach again; his heart comes out} I think that's pretty obvious.

STRONG BAD: {typing} Man, man, we should start putting those Homestar Vs. Homestar Vs. Homestar Vs. Homestar fights on pay-per-view. {in robotic voice effect with emboss background} Instant classics! And speaking of pay-per-view,

{Cuts to Strong Bad sitting in the Basement, with a "Man Vs. Homestar" graphic in the upper left hand corner.}

STRONG BAD: {voice over} Next up is Man Vs. Homestar.

{Cuts to the TV with a "Ready?" graphic on the screen; A man in a Homestar costume and a robotic Homestar is on the background.}

ROBOT HOMESTAR: {in Bender's voice} Bite my shiny metal ass!

ANNOUNCER: FIGHT!

{The man in the Homestar costume gets beat by the robotic Homestar in one punch}

ANNOUNCER: M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M MONSTER KILL! VICTORY!

{Cuts through static to results screen}

Results 2012 StrongBadathlon

The Cheat Cock

The Poopsmith......311pts.

Greco-Roman Homestar Shit-Out-of-Beating

Homestar Runner....913pts.

Man Vs. Homestar

Bender........11010pts.

STRONG BAD: {voice over} Our coverage of the 2007 Strong Badathlon continues with the Clean and Jerk Off... Strong Mad's Underwears is mine! Fortunately, you don't really have to clean them.

{Cuts to Strong Bad and Coach Z standing behind Strong Mad, whose underwear is sticking out of his singlet, with a ruler against his back.}

STRONG BAD: That's it, I'm boycotting these games.

STRONG MAD: THANK THE LORD!!

{Cuts to results screen}

Results 2007 StrongBadathlon

The Cheat Crack

The Poopsmith......411pts.

Greco-Roman Homestar Shit-Out-of-Beating

Homestar Runner....193pts.

Man Vs. Homestar

Bender........1001100110pts.

Clean and Jerk Off

Strong Bad............0 pts

STRONG BAD: {voice over} And finally, my strongest event, {graphic appears, and adds new picture with each word} Probably Something with Guitars, lasers {the Shoop da Whoop face pops up}, Robots {Claptrap pops up}, and Hot Girls in Strong Mad's Underwears {a fat Hispanic-looking chick with big tits wearing underwear pops up}.

{Cut to Powered By The Cheat cartoon. A version of the Strong Badathlon 2012 logo morphs into a cloud at the top right corner as Strong Bad, with laser arms, fires at Claptrap robots shouting "Viva la Roboluccion!" and "Exterminate!" in the background. A woman with a green-and-white striped shirt walks by; when she walks past Strong Bad, he can be seen through the green stripes.}

PbTC STRONG BAD: {laser noises, shoots robots} Hey, wait, ho, I won the Good medal.

{With one laser-hand, he holds up the "Muerte la Roboluccion" achievement. Cut to a Powered By The Cheat version of The Cheat playing "Crystal Mountain" by Death on the guitar. The word "Streisand" appears across the screen (going off the right side of it) as someone says it in a robotic effect.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} And after all the medals have been given to the right athletes, we come to the ending closimonies, celebrating good sportsmanship, drug overdosing, and good ol' fashioned people twirling ribbons.

{Cuts to static.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} There you have it, AXE Shampoo. Seventeen Days of Glory! And after the closimonies, Badasses immediately begin filming tosthemselves in Strong Mad's Underwears.

STRONG BAD: {cuts to a shot of the box and bowl of cereal with two gold medals hanging off the side of it} Temporarios, {speech bubble comes out of box} "Cuz I'm Don't Get Laid!" {Tony the Tiger pops up saying, "They're grrrreat!"}

{The Paper comes down reading "Copyright Viacom 2012".}