Wonkavision Magazine Interview
From Homestar Runner Wiki#21 of the Wonkavison Magazine, the magazine writers interviewed the characters of Homestar Runner.
(Note: This is not the complete interview with the characters, or any other Homestar Runner things mentioned in this magazine. According to Wonkavision, the print version contains: "Homestar Runner Character Comprehensive, Levels of Homestar Fandom, Homestar Video Game Reviews, Factoids & Tidbits and The Brothers Chaps Top 5 Favorite Albums.")
WONKAVISION: How long have you been going out with Homestar?
MARZIPAN: Since I decided we were going out.
WONKAVISION: I noticed you have old video tapes of yourself painting, was this a lucrative career for you and do you still make them?
MARZIPAN: Charging money for art is like throttling baby seals.
WONKAVISION: It's rumored that you're the King of Town's daughter. If so, does that cause any conflict with your politics?
MARZIPAN: Those allegations are completely false. The King was trying to make himself look better by association. That poor man. That poor fat, filthy man.
WONKAVISION: There's been some tension between you and Homestar lately. What's your status with him now?
MARZIPAN: It's exactly what I want it to be. Thank you.
WONKAVISION: What made you go vegan?
MARZIPAN: People go to the bathroom. You don't go vegan.
WONKAVISION: It seems that more than a few people around town fancy you, how do you deal with all the attention?
MARZIPAN: I try to focus it inward, so as to strive toward self-enlightenment. That, and a lotta kicks to the crotch.
WONKAVISION: What do you when you're not gardening or protesting?
MARZIPAN: Working on my iambic pentameter.
WONKAVISION: Are you straight-edge?
MARZIPAN: No, I tried that. There aren't enough decorations.
WONKAVISION: What kind of music are you into, exactly?
MARZIPAN: I'm a big fan of my own bittersweet brand of folk rock. I gave my latest record four and a half kitties. Not real ones though. Construction paper ones.
WONKAVISION: How lucrative is your concession stand?
BUBS: I do alright for myself. Tell you what though, Hard Times lives right next door.
WONKAVISION: What's the best selling item at the stand?
BUBS: My Sno-Cones. There's a little bit of Bubs in every one. For real.
WONKAVISION: If I'm not mistaken you're kind of a gear-head, what kind of car do you drive?
BUBS: It's been a while. Ask the repo man.
WONKAVISION: I heard a rumor that you have the hots for Marzipan, is this true?
BUBS: I've had my fill of the ladies. Bizness is my mistress.
WONKAVISION: You were a top rapper in your home country, where was that and who were your major influences?
COACH Z: I gotta give a shout to Grand Master Flash, Afrika Bambaataa, DMC. All those who laid the groundwork for MCs like me. I tip my Listerine to Jam Master J. We lost a legend there.
WONKAVISION: The world is dying to know — when do we hear Coach Z on the mic?
COACH Z: I'm not sure the world is ready for my flavor. Maybe when peoples quit tryin' to fade me.
WONKAVISION: Why exactly do you sleep in the locker room?
COACH Z: So far, nobody's asked me to leave.
WONKAVISION: Um... there's no easy way to say this, but have you considered speech therapy classes?
COACH Z: Norp. Don't needs em.
WONKAVISION: What's your favorite food?
KING OF TOWN: Is cholesterol a food?
WONKAVISION: What do you do with all those sheep?
KING OF TOWN: I eat them and I cherish them.
WONKAVISION: How much do charge The Cheat to live in your grill?
KING OF TOWN: Charge the who to live in my what?
WONKAVISION: Why do you take so much abuse?
STRONG SAD: Oh, I don't take so much. It's more like it's forced on me with a flaming hot poker.
WONKAVISION: What's the worst thing Strong Bad has ever done to you?
STRONG SAD: Stabbed me with a flaming hot poker.
WONKAVISION: Why do you wish you were blind?
STRONG SAD: The world doesn't hurt so much when you can't see it. Kinda like a flu shot.
WONKAVISION: What is your favorite wrestling move?
STRONG BAD: Any move that uses a foreign object. Y'know, something you can hide easily in your tights. Usually wrapped in masking tape.
WONKAVISION: When will we get to meet your girlfriend from that other country?
STRONG BAD Oh, um. Probably never. She's real busy winning international Total Hotness contests and stuff. In space.
WONKAVISION: Where does one get a The Cheat? Did you find him?
STRONG BAD: It's weird, man. It's like for a long time there, there was no The Cheat. Then all of the sudden, there was The Cheat. But it was like he'd been there all along, you know?
WONKAVISION: Did you and Pom Pom have some sort of reconciliation? You're hanging out a lot more these days.
STRONG BAD: Pom Pom's pretty cool. You can't fade that guy. And I've tried, too. Now, Coach Z on the other hand...
WONKAVISION: You're such a multi-talented musician. Have you considered taking your act to the people?
STRONG BAD: Definitely. If, by "taking it to the people", you mean going around in a big robot and robbing people while The Cheat runs behind me with a boombox. Then, yes.
WONKAVISION: Helicopter beanies are hard to come by, where did you get yours?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I dunno. Born with it.
WONKAVISION: How much do you like Marzipan?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Less than or equal to as much as she likes me.
WONKAVISION: Where do you see your relationship with her 5 years down the road?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: By that smoothie place I guess. I think that's about 5 years down the road.
WONKAVISION: Now that Marshie is in the picture, what, if any are the future plans with Fluffy Puff?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: I think I'm on their board of directors now or something.
WONKAVISION: What's it like having so many fans?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: You mean real fans or pretend fans?
WONKAVISION: What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say "Marzipan?"
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Elephants.
WONKAVISION: If one were to assume that having more than two arms would increase an individual's productivity and ability to multitask could one then draw the assumption that said individual could reach some type of genius status in life?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Boing!
WONKAVISION: Are you bitter that Strong Bad has stolen your thunder and is a much more popular guy then you are?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's funny. You're funny.