Hremail 2000

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Hremail #2000
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"I'm a lonely Swiss miss lost in a chanted forest!"

Homestar offers advice on keeping your old shoes.

Cast (in order of appearance): Shadow Homestar Runner, Homestar Runner, Marzipan, Strong Bad (Easter egg)

Places: The Hremail Room, Marzipan's House, The Gym, The Field (Easter egg)

Date: Monday, February 2, 2009

Running Time: 3:09

Page title: Arturo 9000!

Contents

Transcript

{Homestar is in silhouette, sitting at his desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Give it the gas, people! It's the breakout album of the year, Homestar Runner!

{Homestar Runner's Theme Song plays as the scene lights up.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Thanks, shadow self! We'll do battle later. Today's missile {produces a paper} comes from Josh Keady in Corvallis, Oregon! {reads in a nervous high-pitched voice:}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now you see those three little words?

{He holds up the paper to the audience, and the camera zooms in on it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: "My girlfriend thinks"?

{As he says each word, the appropriate word is highlighted, with a different sound effect for each. Cut back to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's your problem right there! {puts down the paper} I got one o' them, too. {Gets up and walks toward the Arturo.} The lad-ays just don't understand that it can take a man's shoes five to several years to finally get that sought-after walkin'-around-with-someone-else's-slightly-larger-foot-pelts-on-your-feet feeling! Stuff like holes, duct tape, and rank odor are—

{Zoom in on the Arturo. A picture of a man's head appears.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {from offscreen} —just the shoe equivalent of graying hair—

{The hair of the man in the picture grays a little.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —buying a blue Miata—

{A convertible appears under the head; the head is big enough to fill the both of the front seats.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: — and dating your graduate assistant!

{A woman appears beside the head, proportioned correctly for the car. The head winks with a "ding" sound effect. Cut back to Homestar, sitting back down at the desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Now first of all, Josh, let's find out how old your shoes really are. And by that I mean—

{Cut to the image of a very battered-looking shoe with "STREISAND" scrawled onto the side. Green clouds are seen behind it.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} —how many office supplies you got holdin' 'em together.

{Rubber bands appear wrapped around the shoe.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Rubber bands for laces?

{Paperclips appear on the shoe.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Paperclips keeping the tongue from falling apart?

{Two binder clips appear.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: These little things doing... {The clips grab parts of the shoes as Homestar hesitates.} their... little thing? Why do I wanna call these—

{Cut back to Homestar. He's holding up a binder clip.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —"cow clips"? {turns around} Does anyone else call these "cow clips"? No? {He holds the clip up to the camera and and opens it. As though providing the sound for the clip:} Moooo! Moooooo! {puts the clip down} If your kicks are old enough, as my pair of—

{Cut to a stylized closeup of Homestar's feet. Black hairs are visible on Homestar's legs. His left shoe has some green slime coming out from the sole, is torn and stained, and has multiple oddly-colored bumps on it. His right shoe's sole is coming unraveled.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —Freshley's Trackfaster Pro Squadrons {a logo for this brand appears} certainly are—

{Cut back to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: —then you can usually distract a few more months outta your girlfriend with...

{Cut to a stage over two blue lumps.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} A puppet show!

{The camera pans back, revealing that the stage is very small and the blue lumps are part of Marzipan's couch. Marzipan is sitting on it, looking cross. One of Homestar's feet comes up over the sofa; his foot has googly-eyes attached to it and some fake "hair" that resembles blonde pigtails. It "speaks" by having its sole partially disconnect from the rest of the shoe.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the shoe-puppet} Tra-la-la! I'm a lonely Swiss miss lost in a chanted forest!

{Another leg appears. This one also has googly eyes, but a small purple wizard cap and drawn-on eyebrows and a mustache.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the second shoe-puppet} Yes! And now you will toil away in my toil-et mines! While I get all the kickbacks! {as the first puppet} Oh no! Who will save me?

{A third leg appears. This one has the googly eyes on the sole, rather than the foot, and has a blonde "wig" on it. Marzipan sits up, startled.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the third puppet} I'll save you!

{Marzipan gasps loudly. The screen dims as the camera zooms in.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {voiceover} And when your puppet show gets canceled after three seasons...

{Cut to a closeup of Marzipan}

MARZIPAN: {angrily} You mean the whole last season was a dream?! Gimme a break! They shoulda just had babies, and then the babies shoulda gotten married.

{Cut to Homestar at his desk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: ...then it's time to start wearin' giant socks {holds up a giant sock} over your old shoes with even bigger shoes {holds up a shoe that resembles his own, but larger, and has "SIZE 18" written in it} on top of 'em! And since you got one o' them thinking-type girlfriends, I say throw another sock-shoe {holds up an even bigger sock and a "SIZE STRONG MAD" shoe} layer on top, just to be safe. {moves the socks and shoes to the sides and looks between them} And at this point, if nothin' else, you'll probably make a pretty good power-forward. So go ahead and post up. I'll be there to hit you in the paint.

{Cut to the gym; Homestar is wearing enormous socks and basketball shoes. Marzipan is with him, and there is a basketball on the ground between them. Homestar steps back and forth.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hoo! Heh! Hoo! {holds up his left foot, as if kicking Marzipan} Hoo-yah! {drops his foot} Hoo! {turns around} Hup! {turns back} Come on, Stockton! I'd like to see you break through this impenetrable wall of defense!

MARZIPAN: Homestar, you said there was gonna be a dance here tonight!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's right: the ancient art of watch-my-baskeeball dance!

MARZIPAN: Uh... I think it's bas-KET-ball.

{A whistle is heard. Homestar's third leg-puppet, with an ankle-band that looks like a sports referee's shirt, leans in.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {as the puppet} Technical foul! On Stockton![1] First down!

{Cut to a closeup of the Arturo. The picture of the head in the car with the woman appears. "email homestar runner at djmankiewicz@homestarrunner.com" appears on the screen. The head winks with the same "ding!" sound effect.}

Footnote

  • The referee puppet may also be referring to "Stockton" by full name, meaning the indicated word may be "Art".

Easter Eggs

  • At the end, click on the female graduate assistant to see a scene with Strong Bad in the Field.
{Strong Bad is wearing shoes that look like Strong Sad's feet.}
STRONG BAD: Ah... that's the feeling I've been looking for! Come on, foot-pelts!
  • At the end, click on the car's front tire to see Homestar doing battle with his shadow.
{Homestar is looking at "Shadow Homestar." There are health bars at the top of the screen labeled "HOMESTAR RUNNER" and "SHADOW HOMESTAR".}
ANNOUNCER: Round one! FIGHT! {"FIGHT!" appears in the middle of the screen.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Aw, man! Shadow Homestar?! {sarcastically} "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's dip the main character in a vat of ink and make you fight him before you get to the end boss!"
{Shadow Homestar suddenly leaps forward and kicks regular Homestar repeatedly, knocking his health to zero. Homestar collapses on the ground.}
ANNOUNCER: {quietly} Heh heh... geez. Sorry to laugh, that was just... rough. Ouch! {"OUCH!" appears in the middle of the screen.}

Fun Facts

Explanations

  • Power forward is a basketball position, playing a role similar to that of a center. They are usually one of the tallest players on a team, and among the better defenders.
    • To "post up" refers to the positioning of the power forward or center during a team's offensive possession, in which the power forward has his back to the basket, and is "in the paint."
    • Likewise, to hit someone "in the paint" refers to passing the ball to a player, usually the power forward or center, who is waiting within the borders of the free-throw lane, which is painted a single, solid color.
  • Babies and weddings are often cited as signs that a television series has jumped the shark.
  • Marzipan's remark that the entire last season was just a dream refers to a gimmick employed by several television series in which such a revelation is made, usually in the last episode of that season. Notable examples of this concept include the 1985-86 season of Dallas and the final season of Roseanne.
  • Homestar's remark that he will "do battle [with Shadow Homestar] later" refers to the common occurrence of a hero overcoming a dark or evil version of himself in video games and other media.
  • Homestar's use of "missile" is a malapropism for "missive", meaning a written communication or letter. It may also evoke "missal," a book containing the directions and liturgy used in a Catholic mass.

Trivia

Remarks

  • When Homestar is reading the letter initially, "My girlfriend thinks" is split over two lines, but in the close-up, it is all on the same line.
  • Homestar holds up four items (two socks and two shoes) individually. This would obviously require more than two arms.
  • This toon uses an older design of Strong Bad's face.

Goofs

  • In the Easter egg featuring Strong Bad, in some frames, his mouth's rotation is not synchronized with his head.
  • When Homestar says the line "those three little words?", his mouth loses synchronization with his voice.

Inside References

Real-World References

  • Homestar calling Marzipan "Stockton" likely refers to John Stockton, a retired NBA basketball player.
  • The gruff announcer in the Homestar vs. Shadow Homestar Easter egg says "Round 1, FIGHT!" in a voice very similar to the announcer in Mortal Kombat. His laugh is also reminiscent of the sound effects in the series.
    • The music that plays during this scene is similar to the beat of Ryu's theme from Street Fighter II.
  • A Miata is a car manufactured by Mazda. It is also known as the MX-5.

External Links

Hremails
Hremail 7 | Hremail 24 | Hremail 49 | Hremail 62 | Hremail 2000 | Hremail 3184
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