Character Video Transcripts

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Cast (in order of appearance):
Homestar Runner: Homestar Runner, Strong Bad
Strong Bad: Strong Bad, Homestar Runner
The Cheat: The Cheat
Strong Mad: Strong Mad, Coach Z
Strong Sad: Strong Sad, Marzipan
Pom Pom: Homestar Runner, Pom Pom
Marzipan: Marzipan, Homestar Runner
Coach Z: Coach Z, Homestar Runner
Bubs: Bubs
The King of Town: The King of Town
The Poopsmith: The Poopsmith, Homestar Runner
Homsar: Homsar

[edit] Homestar Runner

Toon Category: Uncategorized
"Don't forget 'moron'!"

{Page Title: Homerun Hitter!!} {Place: The Field}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hello. Greetings, one and everyone. Welcome to me.... Homestar!... Runner!... Homestar Runner. Um... what else? I pretty much run the show around here. I date the only girl, and have the only propeller cap. {propeller cap twirls} And can run, and jump, and kick the fastest, highest and like nobody's business. If I had to pick one word to describe myself, it would probably be... Fluffy Puff Marshmallows. Or Homestar. Either one, really. They both fit.

{Strong Bad sticks his arm into the scene.}

STRONG BAD: {says one of the following lines, picked randomly}

  • Don't forget "doofus"!
  • Don't forget "moron"!
  • Don't forget... uh... "Lionel Richie"!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, that too. That's another good one. In closing, I look good in red. Check it out. {turns around, sings while shaking his rear} Buttdance, buttdaaaaance!

[edit] Strong Bad

Toon Category: Uncategorized
"Ladies, form a line to my left for makeouts! Dudes, form a line to my right for high fives!"

{Page Title: Get Ready for the New!!} {Place: Strong Badia}

{Strong Bad is seen standing next to several wooden props, including one of Homestar Runner with a snake wrapped around his head. He is moving some of the props around.}

STRONG BAD: Hold on, I'm not done with the props yet! {turns to camera, speaks commandingly} Greetings, party people in the place to be! I am called Strong Bad! Hand over all your moneys in a paper and/or plastic bag! Ladies, form a line to my left for makeouts! Dudes, form a line to my right for high fives! {drops commanding tone} Like I said, I'm Strong Bad. I've been described as cool, awesome, hot, video games, the hottest, and real real hot. Me and my big brother and our The Cheat pretty much run the show around here, as well as serve as a sort of multi-purpose criminal element. Yeah, we got a lot of—


STRONG BAD: What are you doing here?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, I was going to get a high five, but, I see that I'm already here. And with a snake on my head!

STRONG BAD: Yeah, that's right. So I'm gonna have to charge you double. You know, since you're both here.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That sounds reasonable! {pronounces it re-ZON-able}

STRONG BAD: Okay, I only accept gold nuggets. Or maybe Denver Nuggets. ...Whatever you got on ya. Chicken nuggets.

[edit] The Cheat

Toon Category: Uncategorized
"(What are you going to do about it?)"

{Page Title: Incredible Cheating Action!!} {Place: The Field}

THE CHEAT: {speaking in The Cheat with English subtitles} (Yeah, I'm The Cheat. What are you gonna do about it? ...That's what I thought. Now let me finish. I help Strong Bad cheat at stuff. Hence, the name. Duh. I also DJ down at Bubs' on Friday nights. I'll put you on the guest list if you give me twenty bucks. I make cartoon animations with my computer. Don't ask me to make a video for your band. You guys suck. My main man Strong Mad protects me from larger predators, like being sat on by Strong Sad or Pom Pom. I've got a gold tooth. Wanna see it? Tough. ...Okay, fine.) {bares a toothy smile at the camera showing his gold tooth and there is a "shing" noise} (Now turn that camera off before I throw this bust of Van Buren at it.) {throws the bust at the camera} Meh!

{crash sound is heard, static comes up when the statue hits}

[edit] Strong Mad

Toon Category: Uncategorized

{Page Title: Light Fuse, Get Away!!} {Places: Basement of the Brothers Strong}

{The character video opens up to Strong Mad sleeping. Coach Z, who is apparently doing the videotaping, nudges him.}

STRONG MAD: {wakes up, spit flies out of his mouth at some point in his first sentence} I'M STRONG MAD! {pauses and looks around, then frowns. Spit flies out of his mouth again during the next sentence.} I DON'T LIKE THIS MOVIE! {another pause, then smiles} I LIKE THE CHEAT. Ummmm. BREAKIN' STUFF! {for one final time, spit flies out of his mouth. He then charges the camera and knocks it over, causing it to point up at the ceiling.}

COACH Z: {offscreen} Uh... Okay. That's, uh... that's good then, Strong Mad. We'll go with that one.

[edit] Strong Sad

Toon Category: Uncategorized
"I have two brothers that like to pummel me every hour on the hour."

{Page Title: Poetry Slam!!} {Place: Strong Sad's Room}

{Open with a black screen.}

STRONG SAD: I don't wanna do a characters page!

MARZIPAN: Oh, come on, you can do it!

{The lens cap is removed, and Strong Sad appears as the camera focuses on him.}

STRONG SAD: I'm not really comfortable talking to a camera.

MARZIPAN: {off-screen} Just pretend like you're talking to me, or a wall, or a tree, or any of the other stuff that you usually talk to.

STRONG SAD: Ohhhhhh! My name's Strong Sad and... I have two brothers that like to pummel me every hour, on the hour. I mostly sit in my room, and... listen to music, and write, {begins tracing his finger along the edge of the screen} and talk to walls or trees... {stops touching the edge of the screen} and wait to be pummeled... I guess I like board games more than most people. And by that I mean I like to play board games more than most people do. But by that I also mean I like board games more than I like most people. Like this one time, me and Hi Ho! Cherry-O were playing The Game of Life, and I got a phone call from... Coach Z or somebody. And, I didn't answer it because I was having such a good time with playing this board game, against this other board game...

MARZIPAN: {off-screen, losing patience} Okay, I think that's enough, Strong Sad.

STRONG SAD: And it got me to thinking, you know?

MARZIPAN: Okay, okay, I'm turning it off now.

STRONG SAD: {simultaneously} Two lovers... collide...

{The camera stops.}

[edit] Pom Pom

Toon Category: Uncategorized
"He's probably talking to some fine honey on his celly."

{Page Title: The Most Mackinest!!} {Place: The Field}

{Pom Pom is talking on his phone.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Here go Pom Pom! {to Pom Pom} What's up, Pom Pom? {Pom Pom gestures to his phone} Oh, sorry. {to camera} Pom Pom is definitely the mack around here. And he's my best friend. He's gotten me out of some pretty tight jams. And some pretty tight pants! But that only happened once. {to Pom Pom} Hey, Pom Pom! Yo—

{Pom Pom looks at him angrily and points to his phone.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, right. I forgot already. He's probably talking to some fine honey on his celly.

{Pom Pom gets out his wallet and shows the camera some pictures of his girlfriends, then tries to put it back in later but a part of it is sticking out, which he shoves it in with more force.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: About to get her phone number. Or maybe he already has it. He gets digits like every single day. {to Pom Pom} Isn't that right, Pom Pom?

{Irritated, Pom Pom snaps his phone shut and bubbles angrily at Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, sorry again, man. My bad. I wasn't trying to step to you or anything. We're still cool.

{Pom Pom sighs, puts his phone away, shakes his head and bounces away.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Pom Pom and I are still cool.

[edit] Marzipan

Toon Category: Uncategorized

{Page Title: Oh Yeah Yeah!!} {Place: Marzipan's Gazebo}

MARZIPAN: Hi, I'm Marzipan, and this is my guitar Carol. Say hi, Carol. {performs an E major scale, ascending and descending} Ooh, E scale. Nice choice. When I'm not rockin' out, I like to dig in my garden and eat. I'm a fiercely independent woman, and I'm fiercely independent about the soy products that I choose. Homestar Runner and I {Homestar leans in frame} are one hot item when I say we are. {says one of the two at random}

  • MARZIPAN: And today we are.
  • MARZIPAN: And today we are not.

MARZIPAN: I like baby animals, and cats and dogs. But it makes me sad to see cats and dogs in the same room together. Okay, bye. I'm off to the Chinchilla protest. {She pulls out a protest sign that reads "Chinchillas OUT!! (of my basement)" and walks away}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {leaning in frame} {says one of the following at random, depending on which one was said before}

  • Boo! {if he says "yay" above} {leans out of frame}
  • Yay! {if he says "boo" above} {leans out of frame}

[edit] Coach Z

Toon Category: Uncategorized

{Page Title: Drop Down and Gimme 20!!} {Places: Coach Z's Locker Room}

COACH Z: {looking slightly offscreen} Is that thing on? {turns to the camera lens} Hey there, ho there! I'm the Coach! The Coach Z, I'd guess you'd call me. Or plain old Coach is fine, seein' as I'm the only one around, so, probably no one else would answer to that. You say "Hey Coach!", and I'd say "Yeah?" or... "That's me!" or... "Hoo-hah!" {waves his arms in the air} Any one of those. There's rumors flyin' around that I sleep in one of these lockers, {gestures to the lockers behind him} but uh, that's just not true. I usually crash on this bench here. {gestures to the bench behind him} My back's not in real good condition. {rubs his back} And now, I'd like to perform my hip-hop single, "These peoples try to fade me". {holds up a microphone, begins to sing} A one-two, a one-two—!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {appears in front of camera} Sorry. We're all out of tape.

[edit] Bubs

Toon Category: Uncategorized
"We're always awesome!"

{Page Title: Bargain Basement Prices!!} {Place: Bubs' Concession Stand}

BUBS: Hey there, every peoples! I'm Bubs. I run the concession stand around the way here. I'm a self-made man, I am, I am. I sell hot dogs, chili dogs, slaw dogs, ketchup dogs and mustard dogs. I got drinks, drinks, drinks, candy and snow cones. I can fix everything what needs fixing. Like cars... TVs... marriages. Ooh! I can dance, too. {starts doing the wave} Shake it once! Shake it twice, a-gimme little bit o' sugar spice! I guess the word that best describes me is: personality. Umm... because I have a good personality. Okay. I gotta get back to work. Come on by! We're always awesome! {leaves, then reappears in his Concession Stand in the background}

[edit] The King Of Town

Toon Category: Uncategorized
"Please remain standing while I finish my speech and consume the contents of this bowl."

{Page Title: Go Go Cookie Dough!!} {Place: King of Town's Castle}

{The King of Town is standing outside next to his castle. One of his sheep stands behind him.}

THE KING OF TOWN: Hello, my loyal subjects. I am the King of Town. Please remain standing while I finish my speech and consume the contents of this bowl. {holds up a bowl momentarily} Now, despite rumors to the contrary, I did not just buy a crown at the costume palace and ask people to start calling me the King of Town. I earned my title the same way I earned a free combo meal: by purchasing one of equal or lesser value. I also did not ever try to eat my own mustache. I live in yon castle {gives a nod to his castle}, and employ a Poopsmith for reasons I don't care to disclose. And furthermore, now I'm going to eat this bowl of corn dog batter. {picks up a bowl of corn dog batter and begins to eat it}

[edit] The Poopsmith

Toon Category: Uncategorized
"Here we have a rare glimpse of the Poopsmith in his natural habitat."

{Page Title: Crapatola!!} {Place: The Field}

{Cut to the Poopsmith shoveling through his pile of whatsit}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen, narrating in animal show host type voice} Here we have a rare glimpse of the Poopsmith in his natural habitat. {drops narrative tone} Pretty nasty, if you ask me. Oh, {narrating} The Poopsmith has taken a vow of silence. {drops narrative tone} I'm about to take a vow of throwin' up my cookies all over this microphone. {taps microphone twice} How much is this thing worth, anyways? 'Cause it's about to be worth a lot less. No for real. The Poopsmith is a good guy. He's just got a crappy job.

[edit] Homsar

Toon Category: Uncategorized

(Note: To view Homsar's character video, click "Eject" on the VCR, then click the tape.)

{Page Title: The Hand-me-Down Clown!!} {Place: The Field}

{The background is upside-down throughout the video, with the blue sky on the bottom of the screen and the green grass at the top.}

HOMSAR: AaAaAaAaAaAaA! Hi, Wonder Mike! I'm Homsar! The captain of the gravy train.

{His bowler hat pops up and turns into a railroad engineer's hat.}

HOMSAR: Climb aboard!

{His hat returns to normal.}

HOMSAR: I've brought my best foot flowered... Pshoooo!

{His hat slides down the back of his head, then snaps back at the end of the sound.}

HOMSAR: Sure beats breaking up with me. Don't look now! I'm just a friendly reminder. AaAaAaAaAaAaA! AaAaAaAaAaAaA!

{While screaming for the second time in a row, he spins around the screen backwards two and a half times. He ends up at the top, upside down.}

HOMSAR: Think I won the Powerball. {His hat pops off, then lands back on his head before the video ends.}

[edit] Fun Facts

[edit] Homestar Runner

[edit] Strong Bad

  • "Party peoples in the place to be!" is a reference to an Ultramagnetic MC song called "Ego Trippin'", during which before the song, the announcer says, "Party peoples in the place to be! Just for you, it's the Ultramagnetic MCs!"
  • The Denver Nuggets are a professional NBA basketball team.

[edit] Pom Pom

  • Homestar claims Pom Pom helped him out of some tight pants.
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