Disk 4 of 12 - Vampire's Castle

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Toon Category: Strong Bad's Disk 4 of 12
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"I'm puffing my cheeks up, fulla holy water."

Strong Bad plays the game that inspired Videlectrix to create Thy Dungeonman.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner, Sherlock, The Worm, Eh! Steve!, Limozeen

Places: Computer Room

Date: Monday, September 19, 2022

Running Time: 30:28

Page Title: Get Ye Flask - Origins: The Dark Awakening 2 - Shadow of Dennis


[edit] Transcript

{A live-action case filled with 5-inch floppies sits on a desk next to an old computer. The disk in the front has a handwritten label reading "Disk 4 of 12". Strong Bad reaches into the shot, opens the case, and begins rifling through the contents.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} When I check my email,

{Strong Bad holds up a disk labeled "Old Game".}

STRONG BAD: —there are some old games.

{Strong Bad inserts the disk into a disk drive and then types on a keyboard with boxing gloves on.}

STRONG BAD: Now I'm gonna play them for you.

{The monitor comes to life, showing a screen reading "Strong Bad's Disk 4 of 12". A disk reading noise plays.}

{Cut to animated Strong Bad sitting at the Lappier, seen from behind.}

STRONG BAD: {excited} Peoples! I finally did it! I found the incredibly frustrating text adventure that I believe inspired Videlectrix to make Thy Dungeonman!

{Cut to the floppy disk container, zooming in. The disk on the front reads "vampire's castle".}

STRONG BAD: {off-screen} The game is "Vampire's Castle Adventure". Or sometimes just "Vampoire's Castle". It was released around 1984, it looks like. And oh man, {screen shakes as Strong Bad shouts} it's the greatest game!

{Cut back to Strong Bad at the Lappier.}

STRONG BAD: Now technically, this game was never on one of my floppy disks in a Strong Bad Email. But we'll count this as being from sbemail 94, video games, because I'm pretty sure {the Thy Dungeonman game box drops onto the table loudly} Thy Dungeonman wouldn't exist without this game. {raises arms} And so say all of us: Please insert {points at the viewer} Disk 4 of 12.

{A small floppy reading "Strong Bad's Disk 4 of 12 ver 1.3" pops up inside a white sleeve reading "Videlectrix". The disk is unsleeved, the loading sound plays, and the screen wipes to the game.}

{The opening screen reads "Welcome to VAMPIRE'S CASTLE Adventure. Do you need the instructions?"}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} And to spice up the text-only styles a bit, The Cheat has agreed to make custom illustrations for each screen!

THE CHEAT: {voiceover, The Cheat noises}

{Powered By The Cheat box art for Vampire's Castle Adventure by Dave Culbertson pixels in. The art shows a castle with dripping fangs next to a dead tree on a cloudy, moonlit night.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Thanks, The Cheat! {reading dramatically} Welcome to the Vampire's Castle Adventure! Do you need the instructions? Yes, {box art fades out} yes for sure. In a game like this.

{He types "yesd". The instruction screen appears.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, reading} Vampire's Castle has a concealed goal. You learn what the goal is by exploring your surroundings. {stops reading} Uh-oh. Red flag. That sounds suspiciously like, "this game is going to be arbitrarily difficult, instead of having actually challenging puzzles!" Blah blah blah blah blah, let's skip down to...

{A yellow box highlights the final sentence.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, reading} By the way, the computer only looks at the first 3 letters of each word. Good luck!

{Music begins to play.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} All right, let's do it! Do it! {enunciating} Let us do it.

{The game begins. The text below says that Strong Bad is in the entrance hall. The Cheat has illustrated the scene, showing a red carpet going in two directions, a pocketwatch on the table, and a sign hanging on the back wall.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, reading} You are in the Entrance Hall. You see Timepiece, Sign. Obvious exits are: East West. What do you do? {typing} Get timepiece.

{The timepiece disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover, reading} You got the timepiece. {typing} Look timepiece. {laughs, reading the error message} I don't know how to do that. Oh, man. There just... right out of the gate, wonderfully frustrating. {typing} Read timepiece? {reading response} The time is now 8: 3. That's a great time. Uh, let's look at that sign. {typing} Look sign.

{Error message.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Read sign.

{The sign zooms closer to the screen with the message given by the text.}

STRONG BAD: {reading sign dramatically} The Vampire wakes at midnight.

{Sign disappears.}

STRONG BAD: All right, okay, so we got a few hours here. {typing} Look again. What are we doing here?

{Room description comes back.}

STRONG BAD: Sign, can I get the sign? {typing} Get sign. {reading error response} You can't get it. {typing} Get... ye sign? Hmm?

{Same error response.}

STRONG BAD: You can't get it! Still! Then let's head to the east.

{Wipe to the library. There is a bookshelf in the back and a parchment scroll on the floor.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the library. You see parchment scroll, yes! Bookcase. {typing} Get the scroll.

{The scroll disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You got the parchment scroll. {typing} Read scroll.

{The scroll unfurls onscreen with text written on it.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} The scroll reads: 'Not all exits are obvious'. Ooh, that sounds hinty.

{The scroll disappears.}

STRONG BAD: Let's see, let's {typing} look bookcase. {reading} You see nothing special. Really? {mistypes get bbok} Get book. {error message} Get bbok.

{The Cheat appears, wearing a white rooster hood, a rooster tail, and with yellow wings instead of arms.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Get book. {The Cheat disappears} {reading} You can't get it. {typing} Hit book.

{The game asks "With what?"}

STRONG BAD: {curiously} With what? Ooh. Like this. {typing} Fists. I guess. {reading} Nothing happened. Bo-ring! {typing} Push, push the book. {backspaces to read "pus"} Only, only we can do this, the computer only looks at the first three letters, so we can {typing} pus boo!

{A door leading downstairs opens behind the bookcase.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Aha! You have revealed a doorway! You are in the library. You see bookcase. Obvious exits are east, west and down! Awesome! {typing} All right, let's go down to the secret passage. {error response. Strong Bad types a d} Down.

{Wipe to a hidden corridor. There is a coil of rope at the bottom of the staircase, and a door at the end of the hallway.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the hidden corridor. You see coil of rope! {typing} Yes! Get coil! {laughing} I don't know how to do that. {typing} Get ye coil. {reading} I don't know that word. {typing} Get rope.

{The rope disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You got the coil of rope. All right, sweet! {types "look", the room data comes up again} What else we got going on here? North and up. All right, I don't wanna go back up yet, so let's go north.

{Wipe to the next room, which is an Alchemist's Lab. There is a brown flask on the counter and a door in the back of the room.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You're in the alchemist's lab. You see {shouting, excited} FLASK OF OIL! There's a flask! You guys! I found the flask! Whoa, I can only control my boxing gloves to type it! {typing} Get ye flask. {Strong Bad laughs} I don't know how to do that. Yes! This is definitely the game that inspired Thy Dungeonman! Look at that! {calming down} Okay. I don't even know what to do. {typing} Get ye oil? {error response} I don't know that word either. It doesn't do anything.

{He types "look" again, bringing up the room data.}

STRONG BAD: What is it called? Flask of oil. {typing} Get ye flask of oil.

{The flask disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {reading, excited} You got the flask of oil! It let me get ye flask of oil! I just had to type a really specific thing, apparently, in order to do that. Ah, what a great time. When the difficulty of video games was based on the laziness of the progrummers. All right, what do you want to do?

{He types "look", bringing up the room data.}

STRONG BAD: What are we doing down here again? Okay. I can go north some more.

{Wipe to the Storeroom. It's a plain, concrete room with a ladder, a crate and a bucket.}

STRONG BAD: In the storeroom? We see crate and bucket. All right, let's get both of those things. {typing} Get crate. {error response; Strong Bad laughs} {typing} Get ye crate.

{The crate disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You got the crate. It's just like, you gotta type things twice in order to get them. That's... what a, what a great difficulty. What a hidden- a concealed goal, as they called it. {types "get bucket"} The concealed goal is that you have to type everything twice. In order to get it to work.

{The bucket disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: You got the bucket on the first try.

{He types "look" to bring up room data.}

STRONG BAD: What else? Anything else? South, ooh, we can go up from here. Let's go. Oh wait. I want to try and open the crate.

{He types "open crate". The game responds "I don't see any crate".}

STRONG BAD: {angrily} The crate in my pants, you text-o adventro! {types "up"} All right, we're gonna go up from here. {error response. Strong Bad snickers} Nope. {typing} U.

{Wipe to the Study. There is a fire in the fireplace, a polar bearskin rug, and a table with a bottle of wine and a wedge of cheese.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the study. Ooh, we see fire in the fireplace, a brick fireplace, wine and cheddar cheese. Whoo. The vampire is gonna have a wine tasting in here tonight. Oh, speaking of, we should check out the time.

{He types "look time". Error response.}

STRONG BAD: {laughing} I don't... Great. Fantastic. {typing} Read timepiece? {reading} The time is now 8:42. {typing} Rea tim. {reading} The time is now 8:43. Oh man, does it pass with each command? {typing} Rea tim again. {the time is now 8:44} It does! Oh, crap. All right, this time's gonna start moving fast. Let's see. {typing} Get wine.

{The wine disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: We got the wine. {mistypes "get cheexe"} Get cheese. {error response} I can't carry anymore?

{The Cheat, with his cheeks puffed up as if holding his breath, appears on the table in place of the cheese.}

STRONG BAD: The Cheexe! Get cheexe! {typing} Look inv. Let's get our inventory here.

{The Cheexe collapses and disappears. The room data is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: {whispering} Nope. {typing} Inv.

{Inventory is brought up. Seven squares appear showing the timepiece, the rope, the scroll, the flask, the crate, the bucket and the wine.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are carrying timepiece, coil of rope, parchment scroll, flask of oil, crate, bucket, {whining} wine. All right, let's see, we don't need that stupid scroll. {types "drop scroll"} That just told us, like, to do the bookcase thing.

{The inventory disappears, and the scroll appears on the bear rug on the floor.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. All right, now. {typing} Get the cheese!

{The cheese disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: You got the cheese. Sweet!

{He types "look", bringing up room data.}

STRONG BAD: What else we got going on here? Fire in the fireplace, can I {typing} get the fire? {error response} Can't carry anymore? Ooh, does that mean I could do it? {typing} Drop crate.

{The crate appears next to the scroll.}

STRONG BAD: The crate is on the study floor. {typing} Get fire! {error response} You can't get it. You couldn't have said that? {typing} All right, we'll get the crate again.

{The crate disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: And let's move on. {brings up room data} All right, look. In the study, parchment scroll, fire in the fireplace, brick fireplace. {typing} Get the bricks. {error response} Can't carry, again. I'm not falling for that again. I think that just means I can't do it, but you're making it seem like if I put something down, then maybe I can get a brick. {types "e"} I'm leaving the stupid study.

{Strong Bad has returned to the Entrance Hall.}

STRONG BAD: And go have my own wine tasting {goes east into the library} in the Alchemist's Lab. East west, down.

{Wipe to the Hidden Corridor.}

STRONG BAD: Here we go.

{Wipe to the Alchemist's Lab.}

STRONG BAD: We're gonna do it right now. {reading} You're in the Alchemist's lab. {typing} Have a wine tasting. {error response} I don't know how to do that. {typing "taste win"} Taste wine. Win. {typing} Tas win. That's all I need. {typing} Drink wine. {typing} Dri win. We're gonna commit a dry win here, you guys. All right, never mind. I didn't really think I could {sounding sad} have a wine tasting in the Alchemist's lab.

{Wipe back to the hidden corridor. Wipe back to the library.}

STRONG BAD: Go back to the up. All right, now I've never been, which way is it, {types "e"} I wanna go east from here?

{Wipe to the armory. Swords, axes, spears, a wooden shield and a morningstar are hanging on the wall.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa! {reading} You are in the armory! You see... axe!

{All the weapons disappear with a splat sound, leaving nothing but empty racks and a single axe on the ground.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Get axe. {error response} Frig!

{He brings up the inventory. He has a timepiece, rope, flask, crate, bucket, wine and cheese.}

STRONG BAD: Gotta get rid of something. And I need an axe. Che-cheese? Wine? I don't know. {typing} I'm gonna drop the cheese, man.

{The cheese is now on the armory floor.}

STRONG BAD: Axe is greater than cheese. {typing} Get axe.

{The axe disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: Yes! {brings up room data} Anything else in the armory? Cheddar cheese now, that's a proper, stocked armory. With some cheese. All right, let's keep going. To the east.

{Wipe to the tower. There is a sledgehammer lying next to the castle parapets.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the tower. You see sledgehammer, and parapets! Yes! Parapets! This is another thing that clearly inspired Thy Dungeonman! Oh man. {typing} Look parapets. {error response} You don't have it? Okay. {typing} Get parapets. {error response} You can't carry any more. See that... you-you trying fool me.

{He brings up the inventory. He has a timepiece, rope, axe, flask, crate, bucket and wine.}

STRONG BAD: But I'm gonna set something down just to see. {typing} Let's say I drop the crate.

{The crate appears in front of the sledgehammer.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Okay, the crate is on the tower floor. {typing} Get parapets! {Strong Bad laughs at the response} I don't see any parchment scroll. Oh, I see. It's just looking at the first three letters. {brings up room data} So why did you put parapets in your description?, if I can't even like, do anything with them? Without you thinking that it's a parchment scroll? {Strong Bad thinks} A sledgehammer? I didn't even loo- I totally buried the lede here! {typing} Get hammer.

{The hammer disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You got the sledge hammer! Yes, I've got an axe and a sledge hammer, flask of oil. This is very- I'm a very Thy Dungeonmanny-kind of Vampire's Castle adventurer. All right, let's see. {typing} Hit the parapets. {Strong Bad laughs} I don't see any parchment scroll. Of course you don't. Of course you don't. What did I say before? {typing} Break parapets. {error response} I don't see any- okay. Great, great. It's great. {typing} Look. What have we got again? Crate and parapets, {brings up inventory} and what am I holding?

{Strong Bad's inventory contains a sledge hammer, a timepiece, a rope, an axe, a flask, a bucket and wine.}

STRONG BAD: Doot-doo doo, coil of rope, flask of oil, oh, let's do {typing} use the rope!

{Error response. The inventory disappears.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Climb the rope. {reading} You can't go there. {typing} Tie the rope. {the game asks, "To what?"} Ooh! To what? {typing} The, the freaking parapets, man!

{The rope is now tied around the parapets.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Rope tied to the parapet! I'm surprised it didn't say, "you tried to tie the rope to the parchment scroll, but it's not here". {typing} Right now look at the rope. What's it doing? {Nothing special} Now, {typing} climb the rope.

{Wipe to the tower on the ground. There is a rope hanging from the top of the tower, a dead tree in the background, and an oar on the ground.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Climbed down rope! We are in the Lower Tower. You see o-ar. {typing} Get o-ar.

{The oar disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: We got the o-ar. All right, let's go south.

{Wipe to a chapel. Sunlight comes in through the stained glass window. There is a pool of holy water next to some pews.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the chapel. You see holy water. Oh yeah, we're gonna need that. What kind of a stupid vampire has both a chapel and holy water in his own castle? This seems like a death wish for the vampire. {typing} Get holywater. {angrily} You can't carry any more? Frig!

{In the inventory, Strong Bad has a sledgehammer, a timepiece, an axe, an oar, a flask, a bucket and wine.}

STRONG BAD: The frig, the frig! What can I give up? I guess the wine. {type} Drop wine. {the wine is now on the floor} Is it gonna like, shatter and be like, "you needed that to win"? And now you're blabbity-blue. Okay, what do you want to do? {typing} Get holywater. {the game asks "in what"?} Where the... in what? Ooh, in the bucket! {reading} You got the holywater! {brings up room data} Is there anything else in here? North, up? If I go up from here...

{Wipe to the armory. The cheese is still there.}

STRONG BAD: I'm back in the armory. {typing} I'm gonna get my cheese. I'm gonna get my cheese. What? I thought I just... put the holy water in the bucket.

{The inventory shows the sledgehammer, the timepiece, the axe, the oar, holywater, a flask, and a bucket.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Sledgehammer, timepiece, axe, oar, holywater, flask of oil, bucket. Crap. All right, we're gonna have to come back for you, cheese. Where else can I go?

{Wipe back to the tower. The crate is still there.}

STRONG BAD: Let's go back. And there's the crate, too.

{Wipe back to the armory with the cheese.}

STRONG BAD: Man. So much stuff!

{Wipe to the library. The passage is still open.}

STRONG BAD: Bookcase. {wipe back to the entrance hall} Entrance hall. {wipe back to the study. The parchment scroll is still there} Study. Parchment scroll. Fire in the fireplace. All right. Let's try this again. {typing} Get brick. {error response} Can't-

{He brings up the inventory.}

STRONG BAD: Drop the oar.

{The oar is now on the floor.}

STRONG BAD: The oar is on the study floor.

{A book titled "The Oar on the Floor and other inventory poems" by Edgar Allen Sportinterviews pops up.}

STRONG BAD: The oar on the floor. {typing} Get brick. {The book drops away} You can't get it. {typing} Hit the bricks. {The game asks, "With what?"} I'm gonna do, ooh, with what? With.. the hammer! {typing} The sledgehammer!

{The fireplace is now broken, but the fire still remains.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You're in the study. You see parchment scroll, oar, fire in the fireplace, and broken fireplace! Sweet! {typing} Now maybe I can get brick. {error response} {typing} Get broken fireplace. {error response} Okay, {typing} get fire. {error response} You can't get it. What have I got?

{The inventory is brought up.}

STRONG BAD: Holy water. Axe, flask of oil, Ooh! {typing} Let's throw the oil on fire! {error response. The inventory disappears} You don't have it. What do you mean? Oh, flask. {typing} Throw flask on fire. {error response. Strong Bad laughs} You don't... I would beg to differ with you, but I know there's no winning this argument. {typing} Let's throw the holy water on the fire. {error response} You don't have it! Come- what are you doing, man? {typing} Throw the bucket?

{The bucket is now on the study floor.}

STRONG BAD: The bucket is on the study floor. {brings up inventory} Do I still have the... {laughs} I still have the holy water somehow. I have extricated the holy water.

{The inventory disappears. Strong Bad appears holding water in his boxing gloves.}

STRONG BAD: I'm cupping it in my hands. Or maybe I got it in my mouth, I'm puffing my cheeks out—

{The image of Strong Bad morphs into him with puffy cheeks, holding the water in his mouth.}

STRONG BAD: —full of holy water. {typing} Spit holy water on fire.

{Strong Bad spits the water onto the fire with elongated ooh-lips.}

STRONG BAD: I don't know how to do that. {Strong Bad disappears. He types} Throw holy water. {reading} You are in the study. You see parchment scroll, oar, bucket, smoldering ashes?

{The fire in the fireplace is now out.}

STRONG BAD: Broken fireplace? Sweet! I put the fire out! With my holy water that I was somehow holding without a bucket! {typing} Get smold? {error response} Look fireplace? {reading} You see nothing special. {typing} Get in fireplace. Maybe go inside it. {typing} Go inside fireplace.

{Wipe to the fireplace. There is a broken passage in the back, and a torch hanging inside.}

STRONG BAD: {reading, excited} You are in the broken fireplace! You see torch! Obvious exits are north and south! Wait, there's a torch inside the fireplace that I just put out the fire in? {typing} Get that torch.

{The torch disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You got the torch. All right, now go north.

{Wipe to a secret passage. There are two tunnels inside.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the secret passage. {laughing} You see nothing interesting. It's the worst secret passage I've ever been inside of. Obvious exits are north, south and west. Let's go to the west.

{Wipe to the torture chamber. There are shackles, chains, and a spiky contraption. There is a rat looking menacing.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the Torture Chamber. You see rat! All right! Maybe it's like, the metal band.

{The rat morphs into four glam metal musicians representing the band Ratt.}

STRONG BAD: This game probably came out around that time. {typing} Get Stephen Pearcey's autograph. {error response} I don't know that word! It's because there's only one "t" in the word rat. If there were two, then I could be like, {typing} sing Round and Round.

{The band member holding the microphone flips back and forth as internal PC sounds play a tune.}

STRONG BAD: With love, we'll find a way. Just give it time.

{With a "splat", the band turns back into a rat.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Get the rat. Let's get him. You can't get him? {typing} Let's talk to the rat. {mumbling} I don't know how to do that. {typing} Just look at the rat.

{The key appears in the rat's mouth.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} A key is in its mouth! {typing} Get the key. {error response} Really. Really. Do you don't know that word that word that you just displayed for me. {typing} Get the friggin key. {reading} The rat has it? I'm gonna start just putting "friggin" in between everything. {typing} Kill friggin rat. {reading} You can't do that. {typing} Hit rat. {With what?} With what? {typing} The hammer! {reading} Nothing happened? Are you telling me that I just hit a rat with a sledgehammer and nothing happened? Find that hard to believe.

{The inventory is brought up again. It has a sledgehammer, a timepiece, an axe, a flask, and a torch.}

STRONG BAD: What else I got? I've got an axe. {typing} Hit the rat. {With what?} With what? {typing} The AXE! {nothing happens} Just what I thought.

{Steel-plated armor and a hard hat appear on the rat with majesty lines, protecting the rat from harm.}

STRONG BAD: Axe-proof rat. Maybe the torch. {typing} Hit rat.

{The armor fades away.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} With the torch! {nothing happened} Set him aflame! Oh wait! The cheese!

{The inventory is brought up, but there is no cheese.}

STRONG BAD: What, I don't have the cheese! {inventory disappears} We gotta go back and get the cheese. I don't even remember where I left it. Go back to the east.

{Wipe back to the secret passage.}

STRONG BAD: Nothing interesting. South. {wipe back to the broken fireplace} Back to the broken fireplace. South again. {wipe back to the study} Okay, we're in the study. No, cheese isn't here. {wipe to the entrance hall, then the library} Now to the entrance hall.

{Wipe to the armory. The cheese has been left behind here.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. Armory. {typing} Get the cheese.

{The cheese disappears in a puff of smoke. Back to the library.}

STRONG BAD: Okay. {to the entrance hall} Got the cheddar cheese. Back to the west. {in the study} Back to the west. And then we {typing} go fireplace. {back to the fireplace} Now we go north. {back in the secret passage} And now we go west again.

{Strong Bad has returned to the torture chamber with the rat holding the key.}

STRONG BAD: There's the rat. {typing} Give the cheese! {error response, typing} Use the cheese! {error response, typing} Throw the cheese!

{The cheese is now on the floor.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Okay, the cheese is on the torture chamber floor. {typing} Now look at the rat. {the key is in its mouth} What, he's not going for the cheese? {typing} Get key.

{The key disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You got the key! Is this more of your "concealed goals" crap? It might be nice if you like, indicated that the cheese is what made the rat let me have the key. Just- I just got it this time. Who knows why? This does not bode well for moving forward in the Vampire's Castle adventure. All right, what are we doing here?

{The inventory is brought up. He has a sledgehammer, a timepiece, an axe, a key, a flask and a torch.}

STRONG BAD: Bruh-padoo.

{The inventory disappears. He brings up the room data again.}

STRONG BAD: Got the key. I don't know what it's for. Obvious exits are east and west. Let's go east.

{Wipe to the secret passage.}

STRONG BAD: Okay. Now let's go north from the secret passage!

{Diamond wipe to an underground lake. Three spikes from a sea serpent are visible in the water.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the underground lake chamber. You see Bo-at. Oh, man.

{A huge sea serpent with curved yellow horns, pink hair, red eyes and a green forked tongue smiles menacingly in the water.}

STRONG BAD: Sounds like a huge demon that- oh. You- you see a boat.

{The sea serpent turns into a boat with a "splat" sound.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Get boat. {typing} Get in boat. Can't get it. {typing} Go in boat. {reading} You are in the boat. You see nothing interesting. Oh crap, wait. Do I still have that oar?

{He brings up the inventory. He does not have the oar.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, man! I don't even know whether I did with that stupid oar! {brings up room data} How do I get out of this boat? South. South.

{Back in the secret passage.}

STRONG BAD: South. {back in the fireplace} Broken fireplace, south.

{Back in the study. The oar has been left on the floor with the bucket and the parchment scroll.}

STRONG BAD: Ah, good, it's right here. {typing} Get oar.

{The oar disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You got the oar.

{VHS artifacts appear on the video as Strong Bad fast-forwards through the next several actions.}

STRONG BAD: {fast-forwarded} Go fireplace. {has trouble typing} Can do it now, you can do it!

{Strong Bad fast-forwards through the secret passage back to the lake chamber.}

STRONG BAD: And now go boat. {types "go bo"} Go bo. {error response} I don't know that word. Sorry. {typing} Go boa. {error response} You don't know that one? {typing} Go boat. Ah, needs the whole four-letters word. {typing} Use the oar! {error response. He mistypes "ue oar on boat"} Use oar on boat. {typing} Oar boat. {typing} Go oar. {reading} You can't go there. Oh, row! {typing} Row boat!

{Wipe to the gallery. The boat is in a pool in the center of the room. The room has red walls with lots of framed pictures hanging on it. A tapestry with the vampire, a bat, a flask, cheese and the castle with dripping fangs hangs on the back wall.}

STRONG BAD: I've rowed to the gallery! Oh man, I really needed a PC internal speaker version of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" right there.

{An ASCII animation of a man rowing a boat rides in from the right as "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" plays on a PC speaker.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. But like, in a like a minor key.

{The ASCII boat rows to back to the right with a sad face, sinking into the water as a minor-key version of the song plays.}

STRONG BAD: Something like that. All right, we're in the gallery. See tapestry and bo-at. {typing} Look tapestry. Maybe there's some family history of the vampire. {reading} Nothing special. Okay. {typing} Get the tapestry. {reading} Can't carry any more. Ooh.

{He looks at his inventory, which is not brought up onscreen.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Drop hammer.

{The sledgehammer is dropped in the middle of the scene.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Okay, now get tapestry! {reading} It's nailed to an overhang. But I need... okay, so {typing} get the hammer.

{The hammer disappears in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: I use that to {typing, laughing} unnail tapestry. I'm sure this will work! {error response. He types} Hit tapestry. {"With what?"} With what? {typing} The hammer! {reading} Nothing happened. {typing} Pull the tapestry. {error response} Just like, nudge it aside. {typing} Nudge it aside. {error response} There's gotta be like a door behind there. Oh wait! I still have the torch? Inventory.

{Strong Bad checks the inventory. It is not brought up onscreen, but he does have the torch.}

STRONG BAD: I do! {typing} Light tapestry. {error response. He types} Set tapestry aflame! {error response. He types} Burninate tapestry! {error response} Hit- {typing} Maybe we need to hit the overhang. Hit overhang. {typing} Break the overhang. {typing} Get the overhang. {typing, getting frustrated} Go and destroy the overhang. {reading} It's a little too high? Okay, so what does that mean? {typing} Lower overhang. {error response} I don't quite understand what this overhang is. I figured it just meant like, a beam. {typing, singing} Go overhang. {reading} It's a little too high. Okay, how do we get higher? We need a ladder. {brings up the room data} Where are we? {typing} Go boat. {error response} Oh, really? {typing} Go boat again. {He is in the boat} Exit, so now I don't have to row it anymore. I think I just warp across.

{Diamond wipe back to the lake.}

STRONG BAD: That's nice. Fast travel. It was probably was like the first instance of fast travel in a video game. Go south. {back in secret passage} Okay, south again. {back in fireplace} We're in the fireplace. South again. {back in the study} Bum-baroo. Bucket? Maybe I can stand on the bucket. {types "get bucket"} Nope, I can't carry any more. Look. {backspaces} Wait, where's my inventory? {types "inb" but backspaces} Oh crap, what time is it? {has trouble typing, types "loo tim"} Loo tim. We gotta loo tim!

{The time is now 11:59.}

STRONG BAD: Oh no! Oh, crap! Oh guys, I can only like, hit enter one more time. And then the vampire wakes up! Uh, d-d- {typing} win game!

{A Powered By The Cheat Vampire fills the screen, smiling broadly with blood dripping from his fangs.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} It's midnight! The Vampire is awake, he's at your neck! Oh, man! All right, all right, I'll fast-forward. I won't make you watch all of this stuff. We'll get back to where we were. And we'll get back into the gallery, and try and get to the overhang. {reading} Would you like to try again? {types "y"} Yes!

{The game returns to the opening screen.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Do you need the instructions? {types "n"} NO!

{The game crashes and returns to a C prompt.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Error 4 at program-curter {laughing} one-seventy-eight. Sweet! Oh man, this game is so hard, you can't even get past the instruction screen without it crashing on you! {typing} Run game.

{The prompt reads "Illegal command: run".}

STRONG BAD: Oh wait, lesee. {typing dir/p} Dir-slash-P.

{The C directory is displayed.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. {typing} Vampoire.

{The instruction screen loads again.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Do you need the instructions? Oh, is it just gonna kick me out again? {types "n"} No!

{The first room loads automatically, and music starts playing again. The picture of the Entrance Hall reappears.}

STRONG BAD: Ooh, no! Quick times, quick times! {types "get timepiece"} Timepiece, doot-doo doot-doo! {the timepiece is taken} Got the timepiece. Now we're gonna go west.

{In the study.}

STRONG BAD: And we're gonna... wait, I can't do this yet. East. {Back in the entrance hall} Another east. {In the library} And then, don't need that stupid scroll. We're gonna {typing} push book. {The secret doorway opens} And now we're gonna go down. {In the hidden corridor} And now we {typing} get rope. {the rope is acquired} Oh man, this is a speedrun, I should be speedrunning this thing. And we're go north. {in the Alchemist's lab} {typing} We're gonna get ye flask. {flask acquired} And we're gonna get the—

{Suddenly, Homestar Runner pops up in front of the screen as Strong Bad continues to play the game in the background.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey kids. Homestar Runner here. {steps closer} Just puttin' in a contractually obligated appearance.

{Homestar opens his mouth and says "eh?" quietly as he slides to the right.}

{In the meantime, Strong Bad has visited the storeroom and has acquired the bucket. He is now in the study again.}

STRONG BAD: Now we're back in here. Now, uh, wait, east. East. East. {in the armory} Get axe. {axe is acquired} East. {at the tower} Get hammer. {hammer acquired} Got the sledgehammer. {typing} Tie rope. {error response} Tie rope. {To what?} Parapets. {The rope is tied to the parapets} Rope tied to the parapets. {typing} Climb rope.

{At the lower tower.}

STRONG BAD: Oh man, really haulin'. {typing} Get o-ar! {oar acquired} South! {in the chapel} Get holywater. {error response} What? Put it in the bucket! {typing} What's my inventory?

{The inventory contains a sledgehammer, timepiece, axe, oar, flask, crate and bucket.}

STRONG BAD: {rushing} Sledgehammer, timepiece, bl-bl-bl. I don't know, man, I- we gotta- {inventory disappears} I'm gonna get rid of the timepiece. {types "drop timepiece"} I don't even think we need it.

{The timepiece is now on the chapel floor.}

STRONG BAD: Okay. Now {typing} get holywater. {in what?} In what? {typing} In the bucket! {holywater acquired} All right, {brings up room data} look, where can I go? I'm gonna go back up!

{In the armory.}


{As Strong Bad plays in the background, Homestar once again drifts across the screen from the left to the right. By the time Homestar leaves, Strong Bad is in the study.}

STRONG BAD: Now, {typing} throw water.

{The fire in the fireplace is now extinguished.}

STRONG BAD: Smoldering ashes. Uh, what do I do? {typing} Hit fireplace. {With what?} I don't even remember how I did it. With what? {typing} The hammer!

{The fireplace is now broken, revealing a secret passage.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} All right, now get the cheese! {cheese acquired} You got the cheese. {typing} Go in fireplace.

{Inside the fireplace.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Okay, now get the torch! {error response} Ugh! Frig!

{His inventory is full.}

STRONG BAD: Inventory management. I don't even know if I need the torch. Never used it. All right, north.

{He enters the secret passage, but the picture doesn't load because it's dark.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You're in the secret passage. It's dark! You can't see! Oh. Nevermind. {returns to the fireplace} I do need. There we go. {typing} Get the torch. {mistypes "get tyorch", backspaces and types "get torch"} I'm sorry, torch. I never meant to doubt you. {error response} Once again, concealed goal. You didn't even know you were using the torch to light your way. Isn't that great? What good puzzle-solving!

{He types "drop bucket"}.

STRONG BAD: What I gotta do? Gonna drop the bucket. {The bucket is dropped in the scene} There we go. {typing} Now get the torch. {torch acquired} Okay. Now north!

{In the secret passage.}

STRONG BAD: There we go. Now west!

{In the torture chamber.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Now throw the cheese! {the cheese is on the floor, typing} Now get the key! {error response} What? {typing} Look at the rat. {the key appears in its mouth. He types} Now get the key. {key acquired} I'm surprised it actually makes you look at the rat first. That seems... like the sort of lazy programming they would have done. Now let's go back to the east.

{In the secret passage.}

STRONG BAD: Now go north. {in the lake chamber} We're in the boat. {typing} Now get in boat. {error response} Did I get the oar? I don't even remember. {typing} Go bo. {error response, typing} Go boat. {In the boat, typing} Row boat.

{In the gallery.}

STRONG BAD: In the gallery. Seeing the tapestry. Boat. All right, so now here we go. So {Strong Bad has mistyped "Go Voerhnag". He continues typing} Go overhang. {reading} It's a little too high. Okay, so what do I got? {opens inventory, which does not appear} I don't have the rope. Got the crate. {types} Stand on crate. {error response, typing} Use crate. {error response, typing} Go crate. {he can't go there, typing} Drop crate.

{The crate is dropped into the scene.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Use crate to climb. {typing} Look at the crate. {nothing special, typing} Go overhang, now. It's like the cheese.

{Three-dimensional wipe to the overhang. The tapestry is nailed to the wall below.}

STRONG BAD: I'm in the overhang! You see nails! Sweet, {typing} get the nails! {reading} The tapestry is loose, you got the nails! {typing} Now get tapestry! {he mistyped "Get Ta[estry", backspaces and types "get tap"} Get tap. {error response} Frig frig frig! {typing} Drop nails. {nails are dropped onto the floor, reading} The nails is on the overhang floor. {typing} Now get the tapestry. {error response, reading} I don't see any tapestry? {typing} Look! {brings up room data. The tapestry is not mentioned in this room. He types} All right, get the nails again, just in case. Now I'm gonna go down.

{Three-dimensional wipe back to the gallery.}

STRONG BAD: Tapestry, boat. What have I got? {brings up inventory, with sledgehammer, axe, oar, key, flask, torch and nails} I'll just leave the oar here {types "drop oar". The inventory disappears and the oar is dropped into the scene} and we'll just use it if we need to go back. Okay, now, {typing} get the tapestry!

{The tapestry disappears in a puff of smoke, revealing a hole in the wall.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} Aha! A hole in the wall! You got tapestry! {typing} Look. {brings up room data} You are in the gallery, obvious exits are north!

{Iris wipe to the antechamber. There is a rusted metal door with a welcome mat reading "helscome".}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You are in the antechamber. You see rusty door. {typing} Open door! {reading} Too much rust. Nothing happened. {typing} Use ye flask! {error response} I don't know how to do that. {typing} Use ye oil! {error response} I don't know how to do that. {typing} Pour oil. {error response, typing} Go oil.

{A yellow pennant appears with two droplets of black oil, reading "Go Oil!!"}

STRONG BAD: {cheering} Go! Go! Go!

{The pennant disappears.}

STRONG BAD: {typing exactly as he says} Oil the freakin door.

{The door is now open.}

STRONG BAD: {laughing} The door squeaks open. I just need to type stuff like that more often. All right, we see open door, let's go through it.

{Wipe to the Vampire's tomb. A closed coffin sits in the tomb surrounded by red curtains.}

STRONG BAD: {reading, excited} You are in the Vampire's tomb! You see closed coffin. Obvious exits are south. Oh man, {typing} open the coffin.

{The coffin is now open. There is a vampire resting inside it.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You see Vampire in the coffin. All right! {typing} Can I talk to him? I like vampires. {error response} Maybe it's Trevor. {reading} I don't know how to do that. {typing} Get vampire. Let's just take him with us. {reading, laughing} You can't carry any more. All right. {brings up inventory} Let's drop uh, ooh, torch. Maybe I can set this guy on fire. {typing} Torch vampire. {error response, typing} Kill vampire! {with what?} What do you want to do? Kill vampire! With what? Oh, oh dang! Let's see, do I go with flame? Do I go with axe? Sledgehammer? Smother him with a tapestry? I'm gonna go with axe. {types "axe"} That sounds the deadliest.

{The vampire suddenly wakes up and fills the screen with his gleeful smile and dripping fangs.}

STRONG BAD: {reading} You failed! The Vampire awakes and sucks your blood. Would you like to try again? Great! I mean, not really. I'll spare you guys. I'll get back here, see what else we can do.

{The game resumes in the gallery. The crate has been dropped in the scene.}

STRONG BAD: Okay, so as I was playing back through, {types "smash crate", gets an error response} I got frustrated with the crate because I was like, there's gotta be something inside that crate. {types "break crate", gets "with what?"} So I broke the crate! {types "axe"} With the axe.

{The crate transforms into a pile of wooden stakes in a puff of smoke.}

STRONG BAD: And it turned it into wooden stakes! So I figure, we gotta use the wooden stakes to kill the vampire, but we can't do that {the game resets to earlier, and the stakes turn back into a crate in a puff of smoke} until we've used the crate to go overhang—

{Wipe to the overhang. Wipe back to the gallery later. Strong Bad is typing "get tapestry".}

STRONG BAD: —to get the tapestry. {the tapestry disappears, revealing the hole} to make the hole in the wall, and all that. So anyways, that's what I'm gonna try this time.

{Wipe to the Vampire's tomb. The music is playing.}

STRONG BAD: The vampire's tomb! Closed coffin! {typing} Open coffin. {the coffin is now open} All right, this is it. {typing "Kill Vampire"} Gonna try it with the wooden stakes. {with what?} With what? {types "stakes"} Stakes!

{Victory music plays. The ending response is flashing.}

STRONG BAD: {reading, excited} Congratulations! You have killed the vampire! Of course that's all that they give you. A flashing line of text. Aw, The Cheat, draw me a nice, gruesome picture of me killing the vampire with a stake.

{Strong Bad is now in the scene, stabbing the sleeping vampire repeatedly with a wooden stake held in both boxing gloves.}

STRONG BAD: Aw, thanks, The Cheat. That- that's what it should've been like.

{Strong Bad is now whacking the vampire with a large cartoon steak.}

STRONG BAD: So there you go, everybody. Clearly, this is the game {Strong Bad is now dancing back and forth on top of the vampire} that inspired Videlectrix to make "Thy Dungeonman".

{Strong Bad is now somersaulting over the vampire. He then starts moonwalking over the vampire.}

STRONG BAD: Now come on, The Cheat! Let's go have that wine tasting.

{Iris wipe to the Alchemist's lab. Strong Bad, The Cheat, and the four members of Ratt are all there holding wine glasses. There are wheels and wedges of cheese everywhere. The text reads: "You are at a wine tasting with Ratt. You see Merlot, Tannins, Manchego, DeMartini. Obvious exits are: East West Dennis. What do you want to do?}

STRONG BAD: {as his Powered by The Cheat self speaks} Oh, de bouquet and the brocade and the pomade of this wine is esqueptional!

{The lead singer of Ratt flips back and forth as a PC speaker version of "Round and Round" plays.}

Oh man, it's Sweeter Cuppin' Cakes!

{Fade out. A false YouTube autoplay image shows stylized versions of Sherlock, Eh! Steve! and the Worm. It reads "Up next: Sweeter Cuppin Cakes: homestarrunnerdotcom". The autoplay sign loads a full circle. Fade out.}

{Fade in to the library. Powered by The Cheat versions of Limozeen wearing their "but they're in space?" suits are standing there. The text reads "Whatchoo gonna did?_}"

LARRY PALARONCINI: Why can't we get into the wine tasting? I know Stephen Pearcey got an invite! I even brought my famous {holds up a plate with a wheel of cheese on it} brie wrapped in Pillsbury!

MARY PARARONCINI: I don't understand! I've typed {types "pus boo"} pus boo a thousand times!

GARY PALARONCINI: Maybe you should "loo tim" there, Mary.

{The text clears and "loo tim" is typed. Mary checks the pocketwatch.}

MARY PALARONCINI: Ooh, great idea!

{Text reads "The Vampire's Awake". The Vampire slowly rises behind Limozeen as a PC Speaker version of "Because It's Midnite" plays.}

STRONG BAD: {singing to the tune of "Because It's Midnite} The Vampire's awake. {reading text} He's at your neck!! {The vampire gruesomely bites Larry's neck} Because, it's midnight!!

[edit] Fun Facts

[edit] Explanations

  • Merlot is a type of wine.
  • Tannins are a class of organic molecule found in grapes (and many other plants) which give red wine its color, have complex effects on the flavor and mouthfeel of wine, and act as a natural preservative prolonging a wine's shelf life, all of which make them significant to wine tasters.
  • Manchego is a type of cheese.
  • Warren DeMartini is the name of a member of Ratt.
  • The "bouquet" of wine refers to its scent.
  • A brocade is a type of fabric woven on a loom.
  • A pomade is a type of oil used on hair.

[edit] Remarks

[edit] Inside References

  • As noted by Strong Bad, a scroll, ye flask, and parapets would become important elements in Thy Dungeonman. According to the commentary for the email video games, Matt Chapman didn't know what parapets were when he was younger, and was convinced the parapets in this game were more important than they actually were.
  • Strong Bad says the difficulty of the game is based on the laziness of the "progrummers".
  • Thy Dungeonman II featured a rat named Percy, and made a joke about the band Ratt.
  • The sea serpent Strong Bad calls Bo-At has a green tongue.
  • The welcome mat on the rusty door reads "HELSCOME".
  • When Strong Bad is in the Vampire's Tomb, he mentions Trevor the vampire.
  • One of the obvious exits at the wine tasting is Dennis.
  • The phrase "Whatchoo gonna did?" is also heard in the email yes, wrestling and in the song Where U Goin' 2?.
  • The ending scene with Limozeen references their song "Because, It's Midnite".

[edit] Real-World References

[edit] Fast Forward

[edit] External Links

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