Cold One

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The Cold One motto

Cold One is the most popular brand of beer in Free Country, USA. They are shipped in brown, nondescript bottles. The Cold One motto is "A One that isn't cold, is scarcely a One at all." Although there has been some debate as to whether they are actually alcoholic or not, the Kerrek rejects Cold Ones because he is a teetotaler in the email "for kids". Also, since the Strong Bad screensaver displays "Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones", and that Room Temp-A-Ture Ones are "brewed in Foreign Lands", the conclusion must be that a Cold One is a refreshing type of beer. In addition, "Room Temp-A-Ture Ones" could possibly be referring to the misconception that the British prefer drinking their beer at near room temperature.

It is revealed in the email "super powers" that Strong Bad can use the diamond-shaped icon on his head to open a Cold One.

Contents

Property of Ones

We consider a One with the following properties:

  • \!{\mathcal O}^{\mathrm{itude}} is a measure of the Oneness of the One.
  • \!T is the temperature of the One.
  • \!c^{\mathrm{itude}} is the coldness of the One.

The Oneness of the One can be determined by the following simple formula:

{\mathcal O}^{\mathrm{itude}}\propto c^{\mathrm{itude}} .

We expect the coldness to approach zero when the temperature of a One is very large; likewise, it is reasonable to define coldness to be infinite as temperature approaches absolute zero:

\lim\limits_{T\to\infty}c^{\mathrm{itude}}=0,\quad\lim\limits_{T\to0^+}c^{\mathrm{itude}}=\infty .

This is compatible with the expected inverse relationship between coldness and temperature:

c^{\mathrm{itude}}=\frac1T .

As a result, we can rewrite our expression for Oneness in terms of temperature:

{\mathcal O}^{\mathrm{itude}}=\frac{k}T ,

so that k is a proportionality constant (in units of Oneness times kelvins) that uniquely determines the Oneitude of a One given its temperature. In Strong Bad's own words, this can be simply stated:

The Oneitude is directly proportional to the Colditude of the One.

Or in other words:

The colder it is, the more of a one it is.

Types of Ones

  • Cold Ones — Preferred by Strong Bad.
  • Cool Ones — A nice alternative on spring nights.
  • Not So Cold Ones — Enjoyed by Coach Z and Bubs.
  • Room Temp-A-Ture Ones — A foreign brand brewed in Foreign Lands.
  • Wärm Önes — Foreign brand straight from the oven.
  • Cold None — Not to be wished on anyone.
  • Xtra Cold Ones — A step up from Cold Ones.
  • Cold One Ice — Thrown at a moose lamp.
  • 'old One — Enjoyed by Pom Pom and Homestar Runner.
  • Premium Alcoholic Cold Ones — From the screensaver.
  • One That Is Not Cold — The sender of property of ones almost drank this brand.
Cold One
Not So Cold One
Room Temp-A-Ture One
Wärm Önes
Xtra Cold One
Cold One Ice
'Old One

Coldson Lite

The Cheat's cold one of choice

Coldson Lite is a Cold One-style beverage enjoyed by Coach Z and The Cheat. It may be a spoof of Molson, a Canadian beer. It looks suspiciously like a can of Coors Light — a strange coincidence as Molson and Coors announced they were merging in 2004.

Appearances

See Also

Retrieved from "http://hrwiki.org/wiki/Cold_One"
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