Museum of Trogdor
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An ominous document drenched with peasant tears has been archived in the digital Museum of Trogdor.
Cast (in order of appearance): Peasant Handsomeface (written), Trogdor (mentioned)
Date: Friday, January 13, 2023
Page Title: I get all Library Science-tific on ya's!
Contents |
Transcript
> connect trogdor.museumoffreecountryusa//.burn/:22566
> Connecting...
> Connection established.
WELCOME TO...
____ _ _ ____ __ __ __ __ ___ ____ __ __ __ __ _____ ____
(_ _)( )_( )( ___) ( \/ )( )( )/ __)( ___)( )( )( \/ ) ( _ )( ___)
)( ) _ ( )__) ) ( )(__)( \__ \ )__) )(__)( ) ( )(_)( )__)
(__) (_) (_)(____) (_/\/\_)(______)(___/(____)(______)(_/\/\_) (_____)(__)
,--.--------. _,.---._ _,---. _,.---._
/==/, - , -\.-.,.---. ,-.' , - `. _.='.'-, \ _,..---._ ,-.' , - `. .-.,.---.
\==\.-. - ,-./==/ ` \ /==/_, , - \ /==.'- //==/, - \ /==/_, , - \ /==/ ` \
`--`\==\- \ |==|-, .=., |==| .=. /==/ - .-' |==| _ _\==| .=. |==|-, .=., |
\==\_ \|==| '=' /==|_ : ;=: - |==|_ /_,-.|==| .=. |==|_ : ;=: - |==| ‘=’ /
|==|- ||==|- , .'|==| , '=' |==| , \_.' )==|,| | -|==| , '=' |==|- , .’
|==|, ||==|_ . ,'. \==\ - ,_ /\==\- , (|==| '=' /\==\ - ,_ /|==|_ . ,’.
/==/ -//==/ /\ , ) '.='. - .' /==/ _ , /|==|-, _`/ '.='. - .' /==/ /\ , )
`--`--``--`-`--`--' `--`--'' `--`------' `-.`.____.' `--`--'' `--`-`--`--’
You have logged on to Free Country USA's PREMIER Gopher-protocol museum service! Prepare to
experience the ONLY museum dedicated exclusively towards the world's most excellent
burninator.
As a guest, you are allowed 1 request(s) per day.
You have 1 request(s) remaining.
> echo artifact_2525.txt
ARTIFACT: "The Story Of Peasant Handsomeface And Trogdor"
DESCRIPTION: Several pages of crudely home-made paper, constructed mostly out of rags and lint.
ORIGIN: Recovered from the remains of a burninated thatch-roofed cottage. Papers seemed to
have escaped complete combustion due to being so moist.
DATE: Unknown.
TRANSCRIPT:
****************************************************************************************************
THE STORY OF PEASANT HANDSOMEFACE AND TROGDOR
BY ME, PEASANT HANDSOMEFACE
My story begins with my parents, Mr. and Mrs. Handsomeface, who produced me, Dave. I soon went
exclusively by my last name because it was so much better, and which certainly worked as good P.R.
for my, if we're being completely honest, extremely handsome face. Life was good until TROGD[TEXT
BURNT]rrived! How do I describe this monster? Imagine an "S", but placed beside another, slightly
different "S". He had a single muscley arm whic[TEXT BURNT]umate Vs. He took one glance at me and
my wonderful thatched roof and roa[TEXT BURNT]IRE NATION SHALL BE BURNT, HENCE THE WORD,
'BURNINATION'". I could only blink in surprise, stunned as I was by his even handsomer
fa[TEXT BURNT]caped with my life, but and all that I had worked towards was naught but ruinati[TEXT
BURNT]n't even ask for this, just wanted to farm and smell like a farm in peace, but NOOO, this guy
had to sho[TEXT BURNT]ate my face significantly less handsome, and for that I shall NEVER fo[TEXT
BURNT]oke's on him, because I have a backup house with a backup roof! Now, having having soaked
this document in my beautiful, beautiful tears and stuffed into my roof, I'm certain that my story
will FINALLY be told. If you are reading this, please, heed my words! TROGDOR may sound like fun
and games, but we handsome peasants have families! Handsome families! Why are WE to have our
homes destroyed for your entertainment? Who are YOU to [TEXT BURNT]
****************************************************************************************************
ANALYSIS OF TEXT: It's fine. It's probably nothing. We should all just ignore it.
ESTIMATED VALUE: $0
Fun Facts
Explanations
- This page was unveiled by the @StrongBadActual Twitter account on Trogday 2023, referred to as a lost piece of "Gopher-query Fiction" by Ryan North, originally written for the Trogdor!! The Board Game Kickstarter campaign.
- Gopher protocol is an alternative Internet protocol that fell out of use by the end of the 1990s.
Trivia
- Despite the document being composed entirely out of plaintext, the page itself displays the document as an image, with no actual webpage text to be found.
Remarks
- Many of the periods are followed with two spaces. Although this was common practice when typing on a typewriter and persisted through early computer use, such extra spacing is no longer recommended on modern word processors.
- The type is set in Droid Sans Mono.
Goofs
- "Having" is unnecessarily repeated in the line "having having soaked this document".
Inside References
- "The Museum of Trogdor" title is rendered in ASCII art.
- The pages of the story are said to have survived due to their moistness.
- Peasant Handsomeface describes Trogdor as having consummate V's.
- The surname "Handsomeface" previously appeared in Teen Girl Squad Issue 10 with Strong Bad's self-insert character, Sir Hotbod Handsomeface.
External Links
