Crime and Punishment

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Revision as of 03:49, 31 October 2015

"Who's gonna steal a pair of half-eaten choco-pants?"

Despite its very low population, Free Country, USA has a high rate of petty crime, and few officials to enforce punishment.

Crime

Strong Bad

While not a proper villain anymore, Strong Bad has committed more crimes than the rest of the characters put together.

See main article: Crimes committed by Strong Bad

Homestar Runner

"Garbage. Garbage. Rubbish. Umm... Murder weapon?"

Whether due to Strong Bad's influence or his own stupidity, Homestar has had a few brushes with the law.

• Email stupid stuff — Homestar comments that he breaks into Strong Bad's house often.
• Homestar has been naked in public at random times but only got a criminal record in Homestar Ruiner after Strong Bad stole his clothes and was he forced to run past the King of Town naked.
• Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 10.2 — Homestar steals Marzipan's credit card to buy a racecar bed and tries to take prank calling lessons from Strong Bad.
• strongbad_email.exe Disc Three — Homestar admits to picking the lock to break into Strong Bad's House.
• Email bike thief — Homestar attempts to steal Strong Bad's Lappy 486.
• Homestar Ruiner — 3 Different Homestars squat in the House of the Brothers Strong.
• Place ya bets! — Homestar plots to blow Strong Bad up until Strong Sad points out his "dynamite" is a bunch of candles with a drawing of a clock taped to them.
• Baddest of the Bands — With Strong Bad's help Homestar cheats at auditions for Pom-Pom's band then later with Pom-Pom's help cheats at the Battle of the Bands.
• I killed Pom Pom — After Homestar thinks he's killed Pom-Pom he tries to disposes of the body, frame Strong Sad and Marzipan for it before mistakenly, actually killing Pom-Pom, trying to get rid of his ghost.

The Cheat

See main article: Cheating

True to his name, The Cheat has helped Strong Bad and several other characters to cheat at various sports and activities. He has also assisted with various, more heinous crimes.

Assisting Strong Bad

• The Luau — The Cheat helps Strong Bad's theft of wood from Marzipan.
• Email caper — The Cheat breaks into Homestar's house alongside Strong Bad.
• Strong Bad is in Jail Cartoon — The Cheat assists Strong Bad in his various crimes througout the toon.
• Email garage sale — The Cheat robs houses (and inadvertently kidnaps Homestar) so Strong Bad can sell the spoils at his garage sale.
• Email portrait — The Cheat vandalizes the Deutsch Master painting.
• Strong Badia the Free — Strong Bad and The Cheat staple a grilled cheese sandwich to Homestar's face.

Other

• Email lackey — The Cheat tricks Bubs into accepting pencil shavings as legal tender.
• Marzipan's answering Machine version 15.2 — The Cheat tries to prank call Marzipan.
• Homestar Ruiner — The Cheat puts a bomb in a paper bag marked "Coach Z" after the coach comments on him being unsportsmanlike.
• A Death-Defying Decemberween — The Cheat assists Homestar's attempt to injure himself sledding down the Steep Deep.

Strong Sad

"Hey Coach Z! Hey Coach Z! Whaddya got for me?"

Usually very passive and accepting of his life; Strong Sad has lashed out on occasion.

• Email caffeine — While high on caffeine Strong Sad repeatedly slaps Coach Z and takes his hat.
• Email rough copy — Strong Sad pelts Strong Bad and The Cheat with snowballs that he put in the freezer when he was eight years old.
• DNA Evidence — Strong Sad conspired to steal his DNA evidence while under the guise of investigating it to keep anyone from knowing if he's part elephant or hippo.

Strong Mad

"That's not really the conventional way to roll a house."

• A Jumping Jack Contest — Strong Mad helps Strong Bad to cheat at the Jumping Jack contest.
• The Luau — Strong Mad helps Strong Bad's theft of wood from Marzipan.
• Strong Bad is in Jail Cartoon — Strong Mad "breaks" Strong Bad and The Cheat out of jail.
• 3 Times Halloween Funjob — Strong Mad toilet papers The Stick and later attempts to TP Marzipan's house by punching a hole in her wall with a roll of toilet paper.
• Fall Float Parade — Strong Mad uproots and steals Bubs' Concession Stand.
• Email origins — Strong Mad tries to vandalize Marzipan with cooking spray and then assists Strong Bad in gluing her to Homsar and leaving them for dead.
• Email isp — Strong Mad literally sucks up bandwidth from Bubs.

Marzipan

"I'm pretty sure there's no cake in here. It's been about three weeks now, and you'd think I would have found it."

Despite being, as Strong Bad puts it, "a dirty hippie, without the dirt", Marzipan has resorted to less-than-peaceful ways of making her opinion heard.

• Quality Time — Marzipan locks Homestar in her closet for 3 weeks after she told him there was a cake in there.
• Email bike thief — Marzipan steals Homestar's bike from Strong Bad using the same clipboard method he did.
• Baddest of the Bands — Marzipan hits Strong Bad with her guitar when he says he doesn't think she's hot and Strong Bad later recalls her "protesting [him] into next week" by hitting him into the pond.
• Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective — Marzipan stabs Strong Bad with a pencil off-camera in retribution for him endangering Credenza for the shot.
• hremail 3184 — Marzipan steals Gardenboy's garden tools to help Strong Bad assault Homestar.

Bubs

See main article: Bubs's Shady Business Practices

Non-business crimes

• Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 7.0 — Bubs kicks Coach Z in the crotch for Marzipan.
• A Folky Tale — Bubs helps Coach Z hide when he thinks he killed Strong Sad. Bubs also tells Homestar to get outta town and lay low for a while.
• The Baloneyman — Bubs runs over Strong Sad and his Book stand with the Baloney Sammich truck.
• Email original — Bubs punches Strong Bad for claiming that he wasn't the original Bubs.
• Strong Badia the Free — When Strong Bad asks Bubs if he can do any tricks with bottles, Bubs replies, "You mean like break them over the counter and use them to stab anyone who asks me dumb questions?"
• Most in the Graveyard — Bubs punches Coach Z to the ground after Coach Z implies that he fancies Bubs's sister.
• I Killed Pom Pom — Bubs implies he's killed at least one person in the past and gives Homestar advice on how to get away with it.

Coach Z

"And now, Thikkaman, at long last..."

On top of his already questionable accent and odors, Coach Z has done quite a few questionable acts.

• Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 9.2 — Coach Z lets it slip that he has broken into Marzipan's house before.
• Email trading cards — Stong Bad implies that Coach Z's butt patting got him in legal trouble in seven states.
• Email cliffhangers — Coach Z traps The Thnikkaman in a locker in an attempt to uncover his secret "sorcret" identity to render him useless as a Thnikkaman.
• DNA Evidence — Under the guise of Damp Towelman Coach Z steals the DNA evidence soaked towel to help him clean up lasagna stains at work.
• Baddest of the Bands — Coach Z breaks Marzipan's window and her restraining order on her house.
• On Break — Coach Z inadvertently kidnaps a child with his Blubbo's costume, and decides to leave the child there for at least a week.
• I Killed Pom Pom — Coach Z implies he's killed at least one person in the past "in cold blood".

The King of Town

"Stop what? I don't do nothing!"

Being the glutton that he is, The King of Town has been known to eat food (and not food) that doesn't belong to him.

• Email suntan — The King of Town steals Strong Bad's cocoa butter and animal phat.
• 3 Times Halloween Funjob — The King of Town eats Marzipan's candy corn lights and then denies having done anything wrong when Marzipan tells him to stop doing it.
• Email original — The King of Town (somehow) eats all the mayonnaise off Original Bubs's egg salad.
• Homestar Ruiner — The King of Town continually devours the Choco-Opps Strong Bad tries to leave Marzipan.
• Strong Badia the Free — The Of Town rises up against King Strong Bad's Creamy-Ding Snack cake tax.
• Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective — In his cast interview, The King of Town lets slip that he's hiring people overseas to steal priceless art to sell on the black market like Perducci.
• Most in the Graveyard — The King of Town is implied to have stolen Strong Bad's pickled monkey fingers.
• I Killed Pom Pom — The King of Town ate the Poopsmith's whatsit pile and frames Homestar for it.

Pseudocharacters

"Let's not do anything inappropriate with that magnet..."

• Email couch patch — The Compy 386 somehow makes The Cheat's head explode.
• Email cliffhangers and retirement — The broken Tandy 400 and shotgunned Compy 386 kidnap the Lappy.
• Email email thunder — The Paper beats up the New Paper.

Teen Girl Squad

• The Arrow'd Guy frequently kills the girls in weird and amusing fashions.
• Teen Girl Squad Issue 8 — Tompkins is sent to the principals office for stealing a sega tape.
• Teen Girl Squad Issue 11 — So and So shoplifts from the shirt folding store she's working in.
• 4 Gregs — Open Source Greg launches a denial of service attack against Tompkins's website thinking it was the Concession Stand.

Old-Timey

"A Decemberween tradition."

• Parsnips-a-Plenty — Old-Timey Strong Bad, Strong Man and The Sneak steal all the parsnips from Old-Timey Bubs so that The Homestar Runner will go hungry.
• Ballad of the Sneak — The Sneak has dropped The Homestar Runner from his flying machine, put a Bengal tiger in The Kaiser's Latrine and eaten the Old-Timey Announcer's Fluffy Puff confections.
• That a Ghost — Fat Dudley tries to drink some hooch.
• Decemberween Short Shorts — Rumble Red is beheaded by Old-Timey Marzipan's machine, which she gave to him as a Decemberween present.
• Sickly Sam's Big Outing — Old-Timey Strong Bad attempts to sell Sickly Sam to the glue factory.

Cheat Commandos

Despite their mission of "probably battling evil", the Cheat Commandos' records are not exactly spotless.

• Commandos in the Classroom — The Cheat Commandos enjoy watching pony fights. In the video, the Blue Laser Minions try to talk Fightgar into shoplifting wine coolers.
• Let us give Tanks — Gunhaver sticks a nuclear device in the Blue Laser Commander's oven as a backup which then explodes, taking out the cottage.
• 2-Part Episode: Part 1 — The Cheat Commandos keep Reynold locked in his office without food.
• 2-part Episode: Part 2 — Gunhaver, Silent Rip, Crackotage and The Topplegangers bust the Blue Laser Commander out of jail (Reynold's Office). Gunhaver also shoots Flashfight, though it is unknown if he died or not.

Puppet Stuff

• Puppet Time — Puppet Homestar and Puppet The Cheat "borrow" Strong Bad's stuff, including the Compy 386.
• Dangeresque: Puppet Squad — Dangeresque and Dangeresque Too track down "the guy who stole [Dangeresque's] curly fries that one time".
• The Animated Adventures of Puppet Homestar — Puppet Strong Bad steals Puppet Homestar's pile.

Dangeresque

• Email stunt double — Dangeresque's mission is to track down a stolen tape. Baron Darin Diamonocle tries to kill Dangeresque by dropping the Heavy Lourde on him.
• The theme from DANGERESQUE II: This time, it's not Dangeresque I — Dangeresque claims to fight the law more than he fights the crime.
• Email dangeresque 3 — Perducci intercepts the serum, and if it's not delivered, Cutesy Buttons will be kidnapped.
• Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective — Dangeresque steals priceless paintings that were evidence, frames Diamonocle for endangered puppy trafficking and the murder of several presidents, and tricks Sultry Buttons into giving him several stolen jewels.

Punishment

The full extent of the law.

"Hey Rubble D, where my smokes at?"

Due to the lack of authority and law enforcement, most crimes are unprosecuted. There have been a few cases of characters receiving some form of formal punishment.

Occurrences

• Strong Bad is in Jail Cartoon — Strong Bad and The Cheat get sent to "jail" (a cardboard box with a window cut out of it to resemble bars) twice for trying to break into Bubs' Concession Stand and kidnapping The Poopsmith.
• Teen Girl Squad Issue 11 — So and So is sent to prison for "life plus whenever [her] step-mom picks [her] up", presumably for shoplifting from the shirt-folding store where she has a summer job.
• Teen Girl Squad Issue 13 — So and So reacts to the arrival of the police by saying "I can't do another nickel!"
• Toikey TV — Bubs mentions Riot Police and Tear Gas as a scheduled result of Bubs Friday sales.
• Play Date — Bubs and Coach Z get sent to federal and juvenile prison respectively for unspecified reasons.
• Blubb-O's Commercial — Strong Sad tells Coach Z it seems like he's trying to go to prison, to which he replies, "Hey, three square meals a day!"
• Homestar Ruiner — The King of Town places a criminal record on Homestar for public nudity and orders the Poopsmith and Strong Mad to guard it.
• Strong Badia the Free — The King of Town places Strong Bad under house arrest for not paying the new email tax. Coach Z also mentions that "[he] can't go back to the joint." Strong Sad refuses to help Strong Bad escape saying "I don't want to get charged with aiding and abetting a criminal again!"
• Baddest of the Bands — Biscuitdoughhandsman is on the FBI most wanted list.
• Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective — Baron Darin Diamonocle is incarcerated in Brainblow city prison after Dangeresque frames him. The Extended Play also reveals that Bubs's Concession Stand was originally a mini jail with Bubs as the solo inmate.
• Email other days and A Death-Defying Decemberween — Strong Bad mentions that he is on parole and has to do community service.
• 2-Part Episode: Part 1 — After taking over the Cheat Commandos, Flashfight arrests Blue Laser Commander and throws him in the brig (Reynold's office).
• Fan Costumes '09 — Crack Stuntman says his work with Pistols for Pandas is court ordered.
• The House That Gave Sucky Tricks — It is implied that the King of Town has the authority to imprison and even execute people.

See Also

• Bad Sportsmanship
• Breaking and Entering
• Credit Card Fraud
• Violence