Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 17.2

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===Message 22===
===Message 22===
'''Strong Sad''': It's taking a long time for the sun to suck up the earth.
===Message 23===
===Message 23===

Revision as of 20:23, 1 April 2016

Marzipan's Answering Machine #17
watch Version 16.2 Version 1.0

After seven years, Marzipan's inability to check her answering machine pays off.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, The Cheat, Strong Mad, Marzipan, Homestar Runner, Coach Z, Bubs, Strong Sad, Homsar, Kevin, Visor Robot, The Poopsmith, The King of Town, sloshy, Puppet Homestar, Litigation Jackson, Larry Palaroncini, Humidibot, F-Sack, Senor Cardgage, Marshie, Horrible Painting, Balding Man, Stinkoman, Pan Pan, 1-Up, The Homestar Runner, Blue Laser Commander, Crack Stuntman, Old-Timey Strong Bad, Sickly Sam

Places: House of the Brothers Strong, Marzipan's House

Date: Friday, April 1, 2016

Running Time: 31:09

Page Title: Just think of it as a podcast!



This transcript is in progress.
SRMX12 (Talk | contribs) is currently adding or changing substantial content. As a courtesy, until this tag is removed please do not edit this transcript unless absolutely necessary.
To the person working: This tag is not a claim to the transcript that you can leave and come back to later. You are expected to be adding or changing content right now. You should save your progress periodically (about every 15 to 30 minutes) or indicate in some way that you are still working, or else the tag should be removed so that other users may edit the transcript.

{The scene opens with a phone hook lying on the floor; the receiver is offscreen. It has a funnel on top of it, and in the funnel are two bottles of "Cheez Wheez" and a bottle of "Lite Em Up Dan" lighter fluid. Two more bottles of Cheez Wheez are nearby.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Oh dang!

{The camera pans across the phone's cord, to a part that is entangling more bottles of Cheez Wheez and some batteries, which are connected by wires.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Oh dang muffins!

{The camera pans more to an axe suspended from the ceiling, with two speakers attached to it, all entangled by the phone cord.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Oh dang muffins pie!

{Cut to Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and The Cheat, in the same room as all of the previous. The phone's receiver is dangling from the ceiling.}

STRONG BAD: OH DANG MUFFINS PIE A LA MODE! This is gonna be the best April Fools Day prank call ever!

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Now you're sure the science is sound? The battle axes and Cheez Wheezes will actually get through the phone lines?

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Oh... fiber optics... makes sense, makes sense... Marzipan won't know what hit her! Alright, Strong Mad, dial the number!

STRONG MAD: {picks up the phone} Uh... Um...

STRONG BAD: {snatches phone} Never mind, I'll dial the number. Um... Never mind, The Cheat, you dial the number.

THE CHEAT: {Takes the phone from Strong Bad and dials Marzipan's phone number as he makes some The Cheat noises. He hands the phone back to Strong Bad as it rings.}

PHONE OPERATOR: We're sorry, the mailbox of the answering machine you're trying to prank is full! Please try again later.

STRONG BAD: What? Why the crap is her mailbox full?

{Cut to Marzipan's answering machine, which appears to be in poor condition. The display shows glitchy symbols throughout the toon.}

Marzipan's Greeting

MARZIPAN: Hi, this is Marzipan. I'll be out and about for about seven years, so I'll give you a call back after that. Thank you! {beep}

Message 1

AUTOMATED VOICE: Message 1 from: June 17th, 2009.

STRONG BAD: {falsetto} Oh, hey, Marzipan! This is Joanie Allthetime, uh, your acupuncturist. Calling you to tell you, I, I had a new do-it-yourself-from-home program. That means you don't have to come to see me no more to stick needles in you! So I want you to wander around your house, uh, reciting your— this new mantra that I will give you. Which is, um, Yoplait, Fage, Oikos, um, Activia. So you just say that over and over again, and then pick up any sharp or even blunt objects around your house and just jab them right, right into you! Um, I would work the kidneys first, and then from there, move on to— to the eyes. Okay, namaste, have yourself a real nice day! Ha, hey, that's a new mantra! Don't use that one, though; use the yogurt one.

Message 2

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {in a halting voice, like a stereotypical robot} Hey, Marzipan. This is Homestar Runner. I heard that you got a new smartphone, so instead of leaving you a message, I'm texting this to you. Smileyman, winky smileyman, wineglass wineglass 90s camcorder, send.

Message 3

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have a call from: Free Country USA Penitentiary.

COACH Z: Uh, surprise, surprise, Marzipan! Guess where I ended up! The hoosegow! They only give ya one phone call here, so I couldn't think'a anyone better to blow it on than you, Marzi. Uh, I'm gonna— I'm gonna be away for a while, I think, here. You're— you're gonna hear a lot of stuff comin' out on the news. I want you to ignore seventy-five to ninety-eight percent of it, if you could. Uh, the part where they say that my name is Coach Z? Uh, you can listen to that. The part where they say I'm mostly green? That— that's a— that's a fact. That's a police fact. The rest I would just ignore if I was you. Anyways, Bubs is gonna represent me, so that'll be fun. Hey, and get this: they say I'm a flight risk! That sounds like somethin' you'd see on a trophy, doesn't it? "Coach Z: First Place Flight Risk! Two hundred thousand dollar bail!"

AUTOMATED VOICE: Call ended... for being way too depressing.

Message 4

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, man, Marzipan! Have you heard about the new internet craze, planking? It is gonna be around forever, and I'm gonna be doing it forever! Etched into the halls of history!

Message 5

BUBS: Hey, Marzipan, it's Bubs! Look, I been thinking that maybe I need a catch phrase or something. Seems like everybody else got one. Strong Bad says "holy crap", Homestar says "seriously", Coach Z can't speak English. But what about Bubs? All anybody remembers about me is how I once stole an aircraft carrier. What kinda legacy is that? So I got a list here of some catch phrase candidates. Lemme— lemme try 'em out on you, see whatcha think. "Zabbledoo!" Huh? "Zabbledoo"? I'd say it like, "Zabbledoo, Marzipan! What can I zabbledoo for you?" I think that sounds pretty good. I can also go with something classic, like yellin' "Scarborough Fair!" Whaddya think of that? Or like somethin' that sounds like it's from the fifties or sixties maybe? "Put it to me!" Huh? "Put it to me"? I dunno. If you think of any ideas, gimme a shout! Poppodoplous!... Naw, that's terrible.

Message 6

STRONG SAD: {speaks with an obvious lisp throughout the message} Uh, happy New Years, Marzipan. It's Strong Sad. It's, uh, January first, 2011. And, uh, I've decided to try something new this year. It's gonna be a whole new Strong Sad. Can you guess— can you guess what it is? I feel like people don't notice my personality, so I'm trying to give 'em something to grasp onto. Have you guessed what it is yet? Hmmm? Marzipan? Anyways, I think this is the dawn of a new day for old SS. I'm thure I'm gonna keep this up for thhh— for many years to come. This is not just one of my phases, like the eye patch, or the cane, or the monocle, or the bowler hats, or the jodhpurs. Oh, those were dark times, those jodhpurs days. Anyways, this is the new Strong Sad signing off!

Message 7

STRONG SAD: {without the lisp} Hey, Marzipan. It's January second, 2011. Disregard my last message. I don't— I don't know what I was thinking. What a surprise, I've already backtracked. I couldn't even go a whole twenty-four hours! "The new Strong Sad"... Maybe— maybe the jodhpurs weren't such a bad idea. I'm gonna go see if I can find those!

Message 8

STRONG BAD: {in a smooth and smarmy voice} Good afternoon, Mrs. Pan. This is Vince Napmaker from public radio's "The World is my Butt". We wanted to call you to thank you for being a continued supporter of public radio. But we wanted to ask you if you'd be willing to increase your support. Every dollar counts. Do you have any idea how much it costs to ask like you're this much better than everyone else? And furthermore, our uppity podcasts aren't going to create themselves. So please, as always, for the sake of tote bags everywhere, put a bunch of cash in a paper and/or plastic bag and leave it on the doorstep. {The public radio jingle plays over his next line.} This is Vince Napmaker for public radio. And now here's a supercut of Robert Siegel saying "I gather."

ROBERT SIEGEL: {at various different pitches} I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather—

Message 9

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have a call from: Free Country USA Penitentiary.

COACH Z: Hey, there, Marzipan! We won our first victory in the long fight to justice! I had my hearing yesterday, and guess what? They're gonna try me as a minor! Bubs tells me that's a good thing. So anyways, I'm celebratin' with a batch of jail terlet melonade! I wish you was here to clink glasses with me. Well, these aren't glasses so much as they're, uh, the little slippers they give us. They don't exactly clink. They just sorta s—slop together. Ya end up basically suckin' the melonade outta the— the sort of foam Dr. Scholls situation. Ya know what, after sayin' that out loud, I think I'm gonna skip this round. But anyways, {chanting} free Coach Z! Free Coach Z!

Message 10

HOMSAR: AaA, hey Marzipa-yan! It's Homsar! I was just calling you because, for some reason, I seem to be more articulate on the phone! I hate to hang up, knowin' as soon as I do, I'll be back to "AaAaA, you're a pork rind's president!" Or maybe like, "DaAaAon't get chipsy with the chalk sauce!" Y— you know, the kind of garbage that I spout! Anyways, gimme a holler if you ever wanna have a constructive conversation. OoOoOokay, bye-dee-bye!

Message 11

BUBS: {Soft tone} Hey Marzipan, it's Bubs. You know, the defense lawyer on the Coach Z case. I've been starting to have some pangs. Pangs of... this is a really terrible idea. Pangs of... he's totally guilty and you shouldn't be a lawyer. Pangs of... just what exactly is a charcuterie board, and why is it so expensive? Anyways, I think Coach Z did it, and I don't know if I can defend him anymore, whatever it is that he is accused of. I haven't really gotten around to asking anybody yet. I'm supposed to be in the court room defending him right now, but I snuck out to read some John Grisham novels to give me an edge, only I mixed him up with Michael Crichton, and now my defense is based around {Stretched out and delivered in a growl} DINOSAURS! Ba doo da dum, bo!

Message 12

HOMESTAR: Oh man, Marzipan. Kickstarter sensation the Ouya, they're gonna make games for that thing for the rest of eternity! Mark my words, every game that comes out from now until the end of time will also come out on the Ouya. Gonna outlive Sony, Nintendo, Coleco, Canseco, Jaleco, all of the heavy hitters. Anyways, I can't wait to be playing Ouya games in fifteen years, or even like, five months! Written in Sharpie on the bathroom wall of history!

Message 13

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have a call from: Free Country USA Penitentiary.

STRONG SAD: {Depressed and in fear} Uh, hey Marzipan. The jodhpurs did not work out! They did not work out! Why, jodhpurs? Why'd you do that to me, jodhpurs? How could you do this to me, jodhpurs?

Message 14

STRONG BAD: Hey Marzipan, it's Strong Bad. Look, I just wanted to run something by you, um... Everybody else I've talked to says that this is the worst idea I've ever had, and that my career will go down in flames if I do this, so you're my last hope to tell me that this is a great idea. As you know, it's June of 2012, which means we're coming up on the ten year anniversary of Everybody to the Limit, so I want to celebrate in grand fashion, and I figured what better way than to make a sequel! It's like... Fhqwhgads Revisited! Let me just play a little demo right here over the phone. {Singing} Let's fhqwhgads again! Let's fhqwhgads again! Let's fhqwhgads again! Let's fhqwhgads again! You remember that song, from that one summer. It was really good, and you emailed it to all your friends. Let's fhqwhgads again, so you can email it to all your friends! Let's fhqwhgads again, and now email your friends. Guess who will be there? Probably Joe and Jake. You remember Joe and Jake? I mentioned them in the first song. Th- this is the sequel. Let's fhqwhgads again! F-H-Q-W-H-GADS. F-H-Q-W-H-GADS. F-H-Q-W-H-GADS. So that's great, right? I mean, it's even better than the first one! So anyways, call me back, and tell me it's a great idea, so I can get The Cheat to work on a music video. Okay, bye! {Whispering} Let's fhqwhgads again! Let's fhqwhgads again!

Message 15

KEVIN: Hey Marzipan, this is Kevin. Um, did you, er... I'm trying to remember, did you borrow my Trivial Pursuit 80's edition? Give me a call back. Thanks.

Message 16

VISOR ROBOT: Marzipan, this is the Visor Robot. Listen, you need to tell Strong Bad not to do this "Let's Fhqwhgads Again" crap. It is so terrible. I don't want to sully my good name. Come on Marzipan. Do not let him do this, okay? See you around.

Message 17

THE POOPSMITH: {speaks in a deep voice} Hey, Marzipan. This is a little weird, but, um... this is The Poopsmith. Yes. I woke up today, and it just kind of hit me... I think I'm sick of the whole "vow of silence" crap. In fact, I think I'm sick of crap, in general. I mean, have I been limiting myself all this time by smith-ing poop? Imagine all the other stuff I could have been smith-ing. Bread; I could be a bread smith, you know. I could have been a song smith, like Mike Nesmith, from The Monkees, the guy with the wool hat, who wrote the song Different Drum, you know. {sings} "You and I, travel to the beat of a different drum". {speaks} Or an 80's rocker like Ron Sexsmith or a Mark E. Smith smith, or a smith's smith. Any of those things. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. Anyway, if you can think of any other things that end in "smith", give me a call back. If I don't hear from you, just... ah, forget the whole thing. I'll go back to the vow of silence. It was nice talking to you. It was nice... talking.

Message 18

Homestar: Oh, man, Marzipan, I don't think I'm feeling so good. I think I've got a bad case of... Linsanity! Oh, man! Have you seen this kid? Jeremy Lin! He can't be stopped! He's gonna score 30 points a game for the rest of his career! The Nicks are never gonna let this guy go! Face of the franchise. I will never forget Linsanity. Carved into the tree trunk of history!

Message 19

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have a call from: Free Country USA Penitentiary.

Coach Z: Marzipan! We've had a huge break in the case! It turns out there's a piece of evidence that can completely exonerate me, but I need youse to get it for me, and all ya gotta do is go to my locker room and get it. I can't believe it! I'm gonna be a free man! Okay, so as soon as you're done listening to this message, go straight to my locker room. Go to the far locker on the left. Open it up, and you're gonna see... Well, Marzipan, I apologize in advance. You're gonna see a pile of jocks. But I know you can do it. Just, just coat your hand in a spray of Right-Guard beforehand and you'll be fine. And once you get to the bottom of that pile, you'll see a folder labeled "Exoneratin' Evidence." I know, who'd a thought right? I had it sitting there all along. Anyways I can't tell you how happy I am, that you're gonna free me from prisons. It's been real hard Marzipan, but you, you're listenin' to this message in a timely fashion, I know you are, you always have, and you're gonna go do this for me right after listenin' to this and not wait five or six years. I just know it. I'll see you in the courtroom. Free Coach Z! Free Coach Z!

Message 20

Strong Sad: Oh, hey Marzipan. It's Strong Sad. I've just been feeling really depressed, 'cause, because I haven't been acting very depressed. It used to be my thing, but I don't feel like I get to be sad and depressing anymore, like I used to. So I just want to kinda beef up my numbers in the sad and depressing column. So I may be leaving you some messages, you know sort of dark, inner demons, and that kind of thing. Should be fun.

Message 21

Strong Bad: {speaks like an automated voice} Greetings, Marzipan. This is an automated call from Groady Lab Results, Incorporated. Your test results are: negative.

Strong Sad: Negative is good when you're talking about lab results.

Strong Bad: {speaking normally} Wait, what? Oh, {automated voice} your test results are: positive. {normally} Are you sure? It sounds like I'm giving her good news.

Strong Sad: I don't want to be party to this.

Strong Bad: {speaking normally} They should be less confusing. {automated voice} your test results are: terrible. And you're dying, or possibly already dead by the time you get this. If you want us to perform experimental surgery on you and, like, sew a llama head onto your existing head, please call back during regular putting-llama-heads-on-people hours and we will schedule an appointment. This prank call has not been my finest execution. Thank you and have a nice day.

Message 22

Strong Sad: It's taking a long time for the sun to suck up the earth.

Message 23

Message 24

Message 25

Message 26

Message 27

Message 28

Message 29

Message 30

Message 31

Message 32

Message 33

Message 34

Message 35

Fun Facts


  • Jodhpurs are padded trousers designed for horse-riding.
  • Jeremy Lin is an NBA player who famously began his career by leading the New York Knicks to a large winning streak, only to later struggle once signed by another team.
  • John Grisham is an writer best know for writing legal thrillers , Michael Crichton is the aurthor of the Jurassic Park novels



Inside References

  • Homsar speaking "more articulate on the phone" is in reference to Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 5.0, which was created before Homsar's tendency to spout non-sequiturs had been established, and thus had Homsar able to create a coherent monologue while calling Marzipan.
  • The King of Town mentions being Marzipan's father at one point in time; this was an old idea that was mentioned in the Old Characters Page and later scrapped by The Brothers Chaps.

Real-World References

External Links

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