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209 Seconds (Rough Estimate)

(The entirety of 160 Seconds, but with "160" in the intro replaced with "209")

4 branches: HOMESTAR: Chinese b-

the chair: STRONG BAD: Class!

what i want: MARZIPAN: Forgettably precious.

looking old: MARZIPAN: Up to your chin right

strong badathlon: STRONG BAD: To the wrong athletes

unnatural: STRONG BAD: Kill him? STRONG SAD: We do-

the movies: HOMESTAR: -tuce. Throw

your funeral: HOMESTAR: Abraham Lincoln

from work: HOMESTAR: -veges. It helps

rough copy: STRONG SAD: -tellectual property.

underlings: STRONG BAD: Get Mrs. Hard-

more armies: HOMESTAR: Saaay

the paper: STRONG BAD: Doesn't quite

mini-golf: STRONG BAD: In this infernal pl-

concert: STRONG BAD: Nope. They're a

hygiene: STRONG BAD: No matter what he does.

original: BUBS: B'zuh!

bike thief: STRONG BAD: Side of this couch

pizza joint: MAN IN PIZZA COSTUME: It burns!

slumber party: STRONG BAD: Can you guys start

web comics: TAKE DAGGER: Hiya

business trip: THE KING OF TOWN: Units? STRONG BAD: What

yes wrestling: HOMESTAR: The power... of

diorama: STRONG BAD: -lupe Hidalgo

nightlife: HOMESTAR RUNNER: More...more

environment: STRONG BAD: -pliant sticker!

winter pool: HOMESTAR: You're such a good

fan club: STRONG BAD: (screams)

pet show: HOMESTAR: Potion. A taste

licensed: (Strong Bad slides) STRONG BAD: What's

buried: BUBS: Is! STRONG SAD: Uh

shapeshifter: COACH Z: Coming to your concession

rated: BUBS: Bake sale!

specially marked: (The Deleted buzzer, and a message reading "SBEMAIL 194 IS NOT INCLUDED BECAUSE IT DOES NOT HAVE A 194th SECOND")

love poems: HOMESTAR: Apples!

hiding: STRONG BAD: Coma!

your edge: STRONG BAD: Where'd you check?

magic trick: STRONG BAD: But now, not only does

being mean: HUNGRY SHARK: Makes me wanna

email thunder: (Strong Bad runs out of Homestar's computer room)

hremail3184: COACH Z: Bad! I was gonna

imaginary: LIL' STRONG BAD: -ti! I'd like you to meet

independent: STRONG BAD: Solid gold sc-

dictionary: STRONG BAD: To Z

videography: STRONG BAD: (chuckles)

sbemail206: ANNOUNCER: For all your consummate

too cool: STRONG BAD: Mysteriously with no return

The Next April Fools Thing: STRONG BAD: -low lives, and this

parenting: THE KING OF TOWN: I've got this seven-

Alternate HRWiki

Senor Cardgage

Free Country USA is home to a variety of characters, some notably stranger than others, but all fitting well within the unique (if skewed) logic of their universe. However, a definite contender for the title of the most eccentric is the curious individual known as Senor Cardgage.

Senor Cardgage’s origins are murky, at best. Responding to an e-mail from one “Jordan”, Strong Bad argued that he would still be as cool as always, even if he were far less handsome. The visual image he painted was that of a disturbing caricature of himself who utterly perplexed his fellows with his unkempt appearance, bizarre diction and ominous presence. Despite this, Strong Bad considered this abomination the pinnacle of coolness. Shortly thereafter, Strong Sad revealed that Strong Bad’s fantasy was basically a description of Senor Cardgage, a deranged character the Strong Brothers were acquainted with in their youth. There is some confusion as to the distinction between Strong Bad’s fantasy and the “real” Senor Cardgage, but since Strong Bad was later depicted as conversing with Cardgage (who looked and acted just like in the fantasy), the characters can be counted as one and the same.

Senor Cardgage, as indicated above, is no beauty. His body has roughly the same features as Strong Bad’s, but his proportions are grossly different. Instead of short and squat, he is tall and lanky, rather like Coach Z. His arms are long and droopy, and his torso is greatly elongated, although he retains a potbelly. His face is constructed similarly to Strong Bad’s face, but with additional features. He sports a head of brick-red hair of suspect hygiene, styled in a Donald Trump-esque comb-over. He also has similar hair forming a puffy moustache and goatee, which looks less like hair and more like some sort of malignant growth. Senor Cardgage wears orange-tinted sunglasses, which only add to his dull, apathetic expression. In all, this is not an individual one would willingly share a seat with on the bus.

Adding to Senor Cardgage’s demented mien are his voice and speech. His words are gruff, slurred, and frustratingly soft, making it hard to make out what he is saying much of the time. He is even more indecipherable when it actually is clear what he is saying. Cardgage’s vocabulary is full bizarre colloquialisms and strange words that he seemingly invents by combining two or more words together: “Excardon me” has become something of a catchphrase. Senor Cardgage mutilates the English language to suit his purposes; even when he does not make up a word he has a tendency to use words inappropriately. Just as strange is his habit of addressing people with random girl’s names, regardless of their real name (and gender).

Senor Cardgage’s life is just as abnormal as his speech. Seemingly a derelict, he has a disturbing predilection to suddenly appear from behind bushes as people walk by. He is seldom seen without a plastic shopping bag containing half-eaten chocolate bars, possibly his only source of food. Habits like these, combined with his hardly subtle indications of dementia, have the potential to make Senor Cardgage something of a sinister character, and in real life he almost certainly would be an “undesirable” individual, likely as not a dangerous one. But there seems to be no malice behind Cardgage’s actions; he simply appears to be making his way through life in a fashion that only he understands. Disturbing and obtuse he may be, but he seems to wish no harm on anybody. Regardless of his intentions, the other citizens of Free Country clearly despise him, with the exception of Strong Bad, who inexplicably idolizes him.

Analyzing Senor Cardgage would be incomplete without mentioning his obvious link to Homsar. Like Homsar, Senor Cardgage is a distorted caricature of an existing character who shows up from time to time to say bizarre things and vex anybody in the general area, if unintentionally. However, Homsar enjoys a surprising amount of fame among the fans, while Senor Cardgage (who, ironically, has a much more delineated personality) has never seemed to catch on. While Senor Cardgage seems destined to be a regular minor character on the site, it is unlikely he will be seen in anything but small, concentrated doses.