Bubs's Shady Business Practices

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Revision as of 23:23, 30 October 2021

"What kinda shady Bubs business you running here anyways?"

From Strong Badia the Free:

STRONG BAD: You're a shady, shady character Bubs.
BUBS: It's cool in the shade!

Bubs has been known to engage in all forms of shady, crooked, and sometimes downright illegal business practices, from simple overpricing to trading in stolen organs.

Bait and Switch

• Email different town — Strong Bad imagines that Bubs would use imitation chocolate for his flamethrowers that shoot chocolate hundred-dollar bills.
• Email theme park — Bubs tells Pom Pom that he can only win prizes if he gets the rings inside the Xtra Cold Ones bottle after Pom Pom flawlessly threw three rings over it.
• Halloween Potion-ma-jig — When Homestar Runner asks how much Bubs's stirring utensils cost, Bubs says that "they're free, but you gotta earn 'em!" Homestar says, "That doesn't sound free at all," to which Bubs replies, "Well you just gotta earn 'em."
• Email looking old — A sign at Bubs' Concession Stand says "10% OFF ALL iTems!"
• Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 15.2 — Bubs offers 10% off at the concession stand and immediately follows it with the disclaimer "discount will not be honored".
• Most in the Graveyard — Bubs admires his great-great-grandpappy's cousin Harold who "discovered the bait and switch".
• Donut Unto Others — Bubs claims his doughnuts fight cavities and clean teeth before quickly adding "The American Dental Association does not approve the preceding statement."

Copyright Infringement

• Strong Badia the Free — Bubs hints that his black market sells pirated DVDs.

Counterfeiting

• Strong Badia the Free — Bubs implies that his black market sells fake IDs.

Debt Evasion

• Email lackey — Bubs slams the shutters when Strong Bad with Doreauxgard pretends to be from the collection agency.

Defective and Substandard Goods

• Email 12:00 — Bubs, hired to make the clock on Strong Bad's VCR work, instead duct tapes an alarm clock to the top (after first attempting to duct tape The Cheat to it).
• King of Town Email — According to the page title, Bubs sold the broken Tandy 400 to The King of Town for $900 and that it's "slightly not-working".
• Email privileges, Homestar Presents: Presents, and Email bike thief — The slogan for Bubs' Old Pizza calls it "really old".
• Email virus — Bubs puts the "slightly shotgunned" and "like used" Compy 386 up for sale.
• Homestar Presents: Presents — Bubs has a rusty steak knife in his box of 'aught four crap.
• Strong Badia the Free — Bubs sells Strong Bad a defective Clockwork Strong Bad; to be fair, Bubs is furious to find the "cheap, foreign-made" souvenir malfunctioning, so he decides to sell it half-off.
• @StrongBadActual tweet (5 Jul 2019) — Strong Bad suggests that Bubs' power in Trogdor!! The Board Game would be to sell discount cottages that burn themselves down due to faulty wiring.

Embezzlement

• Strong Sad's Lament — Bubs's new year resolution is to stop embezzling money from himself.
• Ever and More! — Homestar asks Bubs to talk about "shiny new ways to misappropriate funds". Bubs then proceeds to describe buying a Jet Ski with the Broternal Order of Different Helmets's money, crashed and broke his shin, and began spending $50 a tube on rubbing ointment.
• Strong Badia the Free — Bubs says that he is definitely not embezzling thousands of dollars from Club Technochocolate.
• Baddest of the Bands — Bubs casually mutters that he's skimming 10% of the profits of the battle of the bands behind Strong Bad's back.

Evidence Tampering

• Bug In Mouth Disease — When Homestar approaches, Bubs is burning an envelope labeled "Exhibit A" and later tries to sell him a pancreas contained in a box labeled "Exhibit B".
• DNA Evidence — Bubs sells Marzipan's DNA evidence to Strong Bad in a snow cone, and returns to her a test tube labeled "tampered with".
• Email buried — Bubs tries to cover up his apparent burial of "a fella named Rich". (See also #Preventing the Lawful Burial of a Body)
• I Killed Pom Pom — Bubs sells Homestar a 50 gallon drum of bleach, a 50 gallon drum of sawblades, and a 50 gallon drum of bodybags, in order to destroy the evidence of him "killing Pom Pom". He then advises Homestar to establish a false alibi for his "crime".

False Advertising

• Email unused emails — The Free Weekly Spamvertisement promotes Scotch Tape, ketchup, and three bean salad as herbal supplements.
• Broken Compy Menu — Bubs sells the shotgunned Compy 386 to Homestar saying it's a low-priced automobile.
• Email technology — Bubs sells "wireless extension cords" and stresses that they're "existent".
• Happy Hallow-day — Bubs advertises black spray-paint as spray-on Halloween night, sunglasses as Halloween night-vision goggles and "Hollerin' Jimmy's Hovercraft Kit" as a "Halloween Night hovercraft kit".
• Email the chair — Bubs tries to sell a box of chicken beaks and a Winger album as chairs.
• Ever and More! — Bubs sells the minutes of The Broternal Order of Different Helmets's last meeting to third world countries as rollover minutes.
• Quality Time — Bubs sells Marzipan eggs as "organic batteries".
• Donut Unto Others — Bubs lies about the teeth-cleaning and cavity-fighting abilities of his donuts. He also says that he has them made in a third world country named "Homemáde" so he can legally print "from homemade" on the package.
• Flash is Dead! — Strong Bad complains that the fallout shelter was advertised as being Coach Z free.

Fraud

• Donut Unto Others — Bubs has apparently sold Homestar "questionable medical coverage".

Hacking

• 8-Bit is Enough — Bubs bypasses the region locking on Strong Bad's TROGDOR! arcade machine.

Harmful Goods

• The Best Decemberween Ever — Bubs has a Strong Sad voodoo doll on sale, which even Homestar questions.
• Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 7.0 — Bubs has a tainted candy sellback day on Friday.
• Email myths & legends — Bubs states that the Bear Holding a Shark shot glasses are popular with kids.
• Email the chair — The chairs that Bubs sells Strong Bad and Strong Sad (respectively Le Restige and the Styleron Ecochair) end up leaving them unable to "feel [their] parts".
• DNA Evidence — Bubs sells the DNA evidence to Strong Bad in a snow cone.
• Email licensed — Homestar discovers that the piñatas that Bubs sells are full of broken glass after getting a face-full of it, and the Strong Bad ferret ointment causes The Cheat to inflate like a balloon.
• The Baloneyman — Bubs implies that the baloney sandwiches that he has been selling had expired mayonnaise.
• Homestar Ruiner — Bubs lists tainted candy as a variety of candy he sells and gives chocolate-covered packing peanuts in exchange for coupons.

Health Code Violations

• Email no loafing — The lunch specials that Bubs sells are already eaten.
• One Two, One Two — Bubs makes sausages with a tennis ball and a box of General Tso's Chicken (including the box).
• The Baloneyman — Bubs sells a sandwich with a bite taken out of it to an oblivious Homestar.
• Donut Unto Others — Bubs hides and pretends to be closed when the health inspector arrives.
• Flash is Dead! — Bubs' Fallout Shelter lacks proper toilet facilities, using empty cans as makeshift latrines.

Human Trafficking

• Baddest of the Bands — Bubs says that he accepts first-born children as payment.

Illegal Dumping

• Email buried — Bubs buries "intoxicatingly good" waste in Strong Badia.

Information Mining and Spamming

• Email unused emails — Bubs buys, as claimed, roughly 5000 email addresses at $0.25 apiece from Strong Bad (roughly $1250 total) to use in his weekly spamvertisments.

Intentionally Poor Crowd Control

• Email local news — Bubs tricks Homestar, Marzipan and the King of Town into queuing outside the Concession Stand (and paying for it) for no reason.
• Toikey TV — The sale advertised by Bubs, "Bubs Friday", has a designated time for "Shovin' and Tramplin'". He also encourages mothers to fight each other and even draw blood.
• A Decemberween Mackerel — Bubs intentionally has a queue last for 3 miles or 18 days, whichever comes first.
• @StrongBadActual tweet (24 Nov 2017) — "Bubs Friday" 2017 ends with shoppers trapped in riot foam.

Invasion of Privacy

• Homestar Ruiner — Bubs casually tells Strong Bad that he reads all his emails.

Legal Malpractice

• Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 17.2 — Bubs represents Coach Z in court; however, he bases his defense on dinosaurs after confusing works by author Michael Crichton with those by author John Grisham.

Loan Sharking

• Email other days — Bubs threatens to turn Strong Bad over to a "cut off your toes"-style collections agency if he doesn't pay up.

Mistreatment of Employees

• Email part-time job — Strong Bad mentions that Bubs made him pay for his mascot costume.
• On Break — Bubs only gives one smoking, pee, coffee, and maternity leave break each per day. He also doesn't allow Pom Pom to take breaks as he is not in the union.
• @StrongBadActual tweet (2 May 2019) — Bubs pokes the person picking out shirts ("90% likely Strong Sad") in the eyes to ensure that the selection is random.

Operating Without a Valid License

• Bug In Mouth Disease — Bubs claims to be a doctor despite his "doctor" card clearly being only for VCR repairs and fashion consultation.
• Senorial Day — Bubs's entrepreneur license has "SUSPENDED" stamped across it.
• Email licensed — Bubs sells unlicensed unlicensed Strong Bad merchandise.
• The Baloneyman — Bubs mentions that the tag and license he has been operating under are both expired.
• Strong Badia the Free — Bubs hints that his black market sells unlicensed merchandise.
• Halloween Hide & Seek — Bubs has been operating an illegal rat casino out of a hidden chamber in the King of Town's Castle for years.

Organ Trafficking

• Bug In Mouth Disease — Bubs offers to sell Homestar a spare pancreas.
• Strong Badia the Free — Bubs operates a black market out behind Concessionstantinople dealing in organs along with other illegal items.
• Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 17.2 — Bubs sells materials for the purpose of illegal organ trafficking as part of updating his store to be "organic".

Overpricing

• King of Town Email — According to the page title, Bubs sold the broken Tandy 400 to The King of Town for $900.
• Email local news — A sign at the stand says "Wait in Line: $5".
• Email pom pom — Bubs charges Strong Bad $5 for a "face mashing" and $10 for a "severe pummeling" from Pom Pom.
• Email part-time job — Bubs attempts to charge Coach Z and Pom Pom $50 then $60 for a picture with the Tragic Clown Dog.
• Email secret identity — Bubs charges Strong Bad (as Mr. Tip Tappers) $900 for a room. Also, Bubs's guestbook notes that he accepted double payment from Mr. Dee Williams (Homestar).
• Email myths & legends — Bubs demands an extra $20 from Strong Bad after he comments that the Bear Holding a Shark ice cream he bought looks more like Morgan Freeman.
• Email nightlife — Bubs sells Strong Bad an eyedropper-full amount of "Pink Elephant Pants" for $17.50, which is apparently less than he usually charges.
• The Baloneyman — Bubs attempt to sell Coach Z a napkin for $32.
• Baddest of the Bands — Bubs charges Strong Bad "one big sack of cash" for repairs to the FunMachine and after the repair job, Strong Bad complains that "Bubs totally ripped [him] off, man! Like, more than usual."
• Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 16.2 — Bubs claims that the late fee for a V.I. Warshawski DVD is $3 a day because it still counts as a new release, despite its early 90's theatrical release and 2002 DVD release (7 years before the toon).
• Record Store Day — Bubs sells Strong Sad a sloshy vinyl record for $400, which according to Strong Sad, was "on sale".
• @StrongBadActual tweet (1 Jan 2020) — Bubs celebrates 2020 by adding $20 to every purchase.
• @StrongBadActual tweet (3 Nov 2020) — Strong Bad's BubsNet Dial-Up Cloudtastic account charges $0.99 for the first 100 pixels and $2.99 per pixel afterwards.
• @StrongBadActual tweet (4 Dec 2020) — The "Tape Leg Accessory pack" for Strong Bad Talking Plush is a roll of masking tape sold for $28.
• @StrongBadActual tweet (6 Dec 2020) — Strong Bad cautions against buying Trogdor!! The Board Game from online resellers, stating that they jack up the price to "Bubs level".
• Index Page — In the current version (as of the post-Flash site update), Bubs charges the user $5 per click when he is clicked.

Preventing the Lawful Burial of a Body

• Email buried — Bubs has apparently buried "a fella named Rich" in the past. (See also #Evidence Tampering)

Smuggling

• SBCG4AP Tutorial — When Strong Bad comments that Bubs has gotten fat, he replies that he hasn't and is in fact just smuggling cantaloupes past the border under his shirt.
• Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective — While Bubs was imprisoned in what would eventually become the Concession Stand, he sold himself hot dogs with files in them.

Stolen Goods

• Cool Things — Bubs claims that he's closed and only gives Homestar the paint and shades when he asks Bubs to steal them for him, asserting that he never passes up a chance to stick it to the man.
• Strong Badia the Free — Bubs's black market trades in organs of questionable origin and illegally obtained cultural artifacts. He trades Strong Sad's stolen Pretendix for an illegally excavated piece of pottery to Strong Bad.
• Where My Hat Is At? — Bubs has Marzipan's hair on sale as a "wig" which he unabashedly says is stolen.

Weapons Dealing

• Email different town — Strong Bad imagines that Bubs would give away flamethrowers that shoot (imitation) chocolate hundred-dollar bills.
• Strong Badia the Free — Bubs operates a black market out behind Concessionstantinople dealing in weapons, like bazooka flamethrowers that throw throwing stars, along with other illegal items.

Wildlife Trafficking

• Homestar Ruiner — Strong Bad says that the last time he tried to navigate Bubs' Tele-stand, he ended up with a crate of rhino horns (though according to Strong Bad they were from a species not considered endangered).

Generic Mentions of Shadiness

• Broken Compy Menu — Homestar asks, "What kinda shady Bubs business you running here anyways? A Bubsness?"
• Bug In Mouth Disease — Homestar asks if Bubs is an unethical quack, to which he responds "the most quackinest."
• Happy Fireworks — Bubs complains about how long the setup for the fireworks is taking, saying "I got peoples to rip off!"
• Email isp — When Strong Bad confronts him with "throttling [Strong Bad] down", Bubs responds that throttling down is not one of the 99 ways he rips Strong Bad off.
• Email licensed — Bubs says that the stuff that he sells in the Concession Stand is of worse quality than his shady bootleg operation.
• Email buried (DVD commentary) — The Brothers Chaps say that they are trying to remember all the "sketchy things" that Bubs does.
• Play Date — Bubs briefly spends time in federal prison for unexplained reasons.
• The Baloneyman — At the end, Homestar says farewell to the "baloneym'n", adding "may your warbly theme song serve as a reminder that you probably have a really sketchy past."
• Homestar Ruiner — Strong Bad wonders why it's called "Bubs' Concession Stand" as "Bubs never conceded anything in his whole miserable gigantic-mark-up life!"
• Strong Badia the Free — Strong Bad says that Bubs is a "shady, shady character", to which Bubs responds that it's cool in the shade.
• Doomy Tales of the Macabre — Bubs describes his wallet as the one that says "bad business practices".
• @StrongBadActual tweet (23 Jun 2019) — In a Twitter exclusive animation, Bubs stashes several stacks of dollar bills in the ceiling of the Concession Stand, to which Strong Bad writes "Keep it shady, Bubs."

See Also

• Black Market
• Coach Z's Problems
• Crimes Committed by Strong Bad
• Crime and Punishment