Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 17.2

{The scene opens with a phone hook lying on the floor of the Living Room of the Brothers Strong; the receiver is offscreen. It has a funnel on top of it, and in the funnel are two bottles of "Cheez Wheez" and a bottle of "Lite Em Up Dan" lighter fluid. Two more bottles of Cheez Wheez are nearby.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Oh dang!

{The camera pans across the phone's cord, to a part that is entangling more bottles of Cheez Wheez and some batteries, which are connected by wires.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Oh dang muffins!

{The camera pans more to an axe suspended from the ceiling, with two speakers attached to it, all entangled by the phone cord.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Oh dang muffins pie!

{Cut to Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and The Cheat, in the same room as all of the previous. The phone's receiver is dangling from the ceiling.}

STRONG BAD: OH DANG MUFFINS PIE À LA MODE! This is gonna be the best April Fools' Day prank call ever!

THE CHEAT: {enthusiastic The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Now you're sure the science is sound? The battle axes and Cheez Wheezes will actually get through the phone lines?

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Oh... fiber optics... makes sense, makes sense... Marzipan won't know what hit her! Alright, Strong Mad, dial the number!

STRONG MAD: {picks up the phone, hovers his finger over the keypad and hesitates} Uh... Um...

STRONG BAD: {snatches phone} Never mind, I'll dial the number. {hovers his hand over the keypad and hesitates} Um... Never mind, The Cheat, you dial the number.

{Strong Bad holds out the phone to The Cheat, who quickly dials the number.}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{As the phone starts to ring, Strong Bad holds it up to his ear.}

PHONE OPERATOR: We're sorry, the mailbox of the answering machine you're trying to prank is full! Please try again later.

STRONG BAD: What? Why the crap is her mailbox full?

{Cut to Marzipan's answering machine, which appears to be in poor condition, with exposed wiring, a distinct bulge, and leaking some form of green liquid. The display shows glitchy symbols throughout the toon.}

Marzipan's Greeting

0:52 - 1:00

MARZIPAN: Hi, this is Marzipan. I'll be out and about for about seven years, so I'll give you a call back after that. Thank you!

Message 1

1:00 - 2:15

AUTOMATED VOICE: Message 1 from: June 17th, 2009.

STRONG BAD: {falsetto} Oh, hey, Marzipan! This is Joanie Allthetime, uh, your acupuncturist. Calling you to tell you, I, I had a new do-it-yourself-from-home program. That means you don't have to come to see me no more to stick needles in you! So I want you to wander around your house, uh, reciting your— this new mantra that I will give you. Which is, um, "Yoplait, Fage, Oikos," um, "Activia". So you just say that over and over again, and then pick up any sharp or even blunt objects around your house and just jab them right, right into you! Um, I would work the kidneys first, and then from there, move on to— to the eyes. Okay, namaste, have yourself a real nice day! Ha, hey, that's a new mantra! Don't use that one, though; use the yogurt one.

Message 2

2:15 - 2:37

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {in a halting voice, like a stereotypical robot} Hey, Marzipan. This is Homestar Runner. I heard that you got a new smartphone, so instead of leaving you a message, I'm texting this to you. Smileyman, winky smileyman, wineglass wineglass '90s camcorder, send.

Message 3

2:37 - 3:50

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have a call from: Free Country USA Penitentiary.

COACH Z: Uh, surprise, surprise, Marzipan! Guess where I ended up! The hoosegow! They only give ya one phone call here, so I couldn't think'a anyone better to blow it on than you, Marzi. Uh, I'm gonna— I'm gonna be away for a while, I think, here. You're— you're gonna hear a lot of stuff comin' out on the news. I want you to ignore... 75 to 98% of it, if you could. Uh, the part where they say that my name is Coach Z? Uh, you can listen to that. The part where they say I'm mostly green? That— that's a— that's a fact. That's a police fact. The rest I would just ignore if I was you. Anyways, Bubs is gonna represent me, so that'll be fun. Hey, and get this: they say I'm a flight risk! That sounds like somethin' you'd see on a trophy, doesn't it? "Coach Z: First Place Flight Risk! Two hundred thousand dollar bail!"

AUTOMATED VOICE: Call ended... for being way too depressing.

Message 4

3:50 - 4:02

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, man, Marzipan! Have you heard about the new internet craze, planking? It is gonna be around forever, and I'm gonna be doing it forever! Etched into the halls of history!

Message 5

4:02 - 5:08

BUBS: Hey, Marzipan, it's Bubs! Look, I been thinking that maybe I need a catch phrase or something. Seems like everybody else got one. Strong Bad says "holy crap", Homestar says "seriously", Coach Z can't speak English. But what about Bubs? All anybody remembers about me is how I once stole an aircraft carrier. What kinda legacy is that? So I got a list here of some catch phrase candidates. Lemme— lemme try 'em out on you, see whatcha think. "Zabbledoo!" Huh? "Zabbledoo"? I'd say it like, "Zabbledoo, Marzipan! What can I zabbledoo for you?" I think that sounds pretty good. I can also go with something classic, like yellin' "Scarborough Fair!" Whaddya think of that? Or like somethin' that sounds like it's from the fifties or sixties maybe? "Put it to me!" Huh? "Put it to me"? I dunno. If you think of any ideas, gimme a shout! Papadopoulos!... Naw, that's terrible.

Message 6

5:08 - 6:10

STRONG SAD: {speaks with an obvious lisp throughout the message} Uh, happy New Years, Marzipan. It's Strong Sad. It's, uh, January first, 2011. And, uh, I've decided to try something new this year. It's gonna be a whole new Strong Sad. Can you guess— can you guess what it is? I feel like people don't notice my personality, so I'm trying to give 'em something to grasp onto. Have you guessed what it is yet? Hmmm? Marzipan? Anyways, I think this is the dawn of a new day for old SS. I'm thure I'm gonna keep this up for thhh— for many years to come. This is not just one of my phases, like the eye patch, or the cane, or the monocle, or the bowler hats, or the jodhpurs. Oh, those were dark times, those jodhpurs days. Anyways, this is the new Strong Sad signing off!

Message 7

6:10 - 6:36

STRONG SAD: {without the lisp} Hey, Marzipan. It's January second, 2011. Disregard my last message. I don't— I don't know what I was thinking. What a surprise, I've already backtracked. I couldn't even go a whole twenty-four hours! "The new Strong Sad"... Maybe— maybe the jodhpurs weren't such a bad idea. I'm gonna go see if I can find those!

Message 8

6:36 - 7:34

STRONG BAD: {in a smooth and smarmy voice} Good afternoon, Mrs. Pan. This is Vince Napmaker from public radio's "The World is my Butt". We wanted to call you to thank you for being a continued supporter of public radio. But we wanted to ask you if you'd be willing to increase your support. Every dollar counts. Do you have any idea how much it costs to act like you're this much better than everyone else? And furthermore, our uppity podcasts aren't going to create themselves. So please, as always, for the sake of tote bags everywhere, put a bunch of cash in a paper and/or plastic bag and leave it on the doorstep. {The public radio jingle plays over his next line.} This is Vince Napmaker for public radio. And now here's a supercut of Robert Siegel saying "I gather."

ROBERT SIEGEL: {at various different pitches} I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather— I gather—

Message 9

7:34 - 8:30

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have a call from: Free Country USA Penitentiary.

COACH Z: Hey, there, Marzipan! We won our first victory in the long fight to justice! I had my hearing yesterday, and guess what? They're gonna try me as a minor! Bubs tells me that's a good thing. So anyways, I'm celebratin' with a batch of jail terlet melonade! I wish you was here to clink glasses with me. Well, these aren't glasses so much as they're, uh, the little slippers they give us. They don't exactly clink. They just sorta s—slop together... I end up basically suckin' the melonade outta the— the sort of foam Dr. Scholls situation. Ya know what, after sayin' that out loud, I think I'm gonna skip this round. But anyways, {chanting} free Coach Z! Free Coach Z!

Message 10

8:30 - 9:19

HOMSAR: AaA, hey Marzipa-yan! It's Homsar! I was just calling you because, for some reason, I seem to be more articulate on the phone! I hate to hang up, knowin' as soon as I do, I'll be back to "AaAaAah, you're a pork rind's president!" Or maybe like, "DaAaAon't get chipsy with the chalk sauce!" Y— you know the kind of garbage that I spout! Anyways, gimme a holler if you ever wanna have a constructive conversation. OoOoOokay, bye-dee-bye!

Message 11

9:19 - 10:11

BUBS: {soft tone} Hey Marzipan, it's Bubs. You know, the defense lawyer on the Coach Z case. I'm starting to have some pangs. Pangs of... this is a really terrible idea. Pangs of... he's totally guilty and you shouldn't be a lawyer. Pangs of... just what exactly is a charcuterie board, and why is it so expensive? Anyways, I think Coach Z did it, and I don't know if I can defend him anymore, whatever it is that he is accused of. I haven't really gotten around to askin' anybody yet. I'm supposed to be in the court room defendin' him right now, but I snuck out to read some John Grisham novels to give me an edge, only I mixed him up with Michael Crichton, and now my defense is based around {Stretched out and delivered in a growl} DINOSAURS! Ba doo da dum, bo!

Message 12

10:11 - 10:41

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh man, Marzipan. Kickstarter sensation the Ouya, they're gonna make games for that thing for the rest of eternity! Mark my words, every game that comes out from now until the end of time will also come out on the Ouya. Gonna outlive Sony, Nintendo, Coleco, Canseco, Jaleco, all of the heavy hitters. Anyways, I can't wait to be playing Ouya games in fifteen years, or even like, five months! Written in Sharpie on the bathroom wall of history!

Message 13

10:41 - 11:07

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have a call from: Free Country USA Penitentiary.

STRONG SAD: {Shaky voice and in fear} Uh, hey Marzipan. The jodhpurs did not work out! They did not work out! Why, jodhpurs? Why'd you do that to me, jodhpurs? How could you do this to me, jodhpurs?

Message 14

11:07 - 12:44

STRONG BAD: Hey Marzipan, it's Strong Bad. Look, I just wanted to run something by you, um... Everybody else I've talked to says that this is the worst idea I've ever had, and that my career will go down in flames if I do this, so you're my last hope to tell me that this is a great idea. As you know, it's June of 2012, which means we're coming up on the ten year anniversary of Everybody to the Limit, so I want to celebrate in grand fashion, and I figured what better way than to make a sequel! It's like... Fhqwhgads Revisited! Let me just play a little demo right here over the phone. {music starts in the background} {Singing} Let's fhqwhgads again! Let's fhqwhgads again! Let's fhqwhgads again! Let's fhqwhgads again! You remember that song, from that one summer. It was really good, and you emailed it to all your friends. Let's fhqwhgads again, so you can email it to all your friends! Let's fhqwhgads again, and now email your friends. Guess who will be there? Probably Joe and Jake. You remember Joe and Jake? I mentioned them in the first song. Th- this is the sequel. Let's fhqwhgads again! F, H, Q, W-H, G-A-D-S. F, H, Q, W-H, G-A-D-S. F, H, Q, W-H, G-A-D-S. {stops singing} So that's great, right? I mean, it's even better than the first one! So anyways, call me back, tell me it's a great idea, so I can get The Cheat to work on a music video. Okay, bye! {Whispering} Let's fhqwhgads again! Let's fhqwhgads again!

Message 15

12:44 - 12:53

KEVIN: Hey Marzipan, this is Kevin. Um, did you, er... I'm trying to remember, did you borrow my Trivial Pursuit '80s edition? Give me a call back. Thanks.

Message 16

12:53 - 13:15

VISOR ROBOT: Marzipan, this is the Visor Robot. Listen, you need to tell Strong Bad not to do this "Let's Fhqwhgads Again" crap. It is so terrible. I don't want to sully my good name. Come on Marzipan. Do not let him do this, okay? See you around.

Message 17

13:15 - 14:32

THE POOPSMITH: {speaks in a deep voice} Hey, Marzipan. This is a little weird, but, um... this is The Poopsmith. Yes. I woke up today, and it just kind of hit me... I think I'm sick of the whole "vow of silence" crap. In fact, I think I'm sick of crap, in general. I mean, have I been limiting myself all this time by smith-ing poop? Imagine all the other stuff I could have been smith-ing. Bread; I could be a bread smith, you know. I could have been a song smith, like Mike Nesmith, from The Monkees, the guy with the wool hat, who wrote that song Different Drum, you know. {sings} "You and I, travel to the beat of a different drum". {speaks} Or an '80s rocker like Ron Sexsmith or a Mark E. Smith smith, or a Smiths smith. Any of those things. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. Anyway, if you can think of any other things that end in "smith", give me a call back. If I don't hear from you, just... ah, forget the whole thing. I'll go back to the vow of silence. It was nice talking to you. It was nice... talking.

Message 18

14:32 - 15:00

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, man, Marzipan, I don't think I'm feeling so good. I think I've got a bad case of... Linsanity! Oh, man! Have you seen this kid? Jeremy Lin! He can't be stopped! He's gonna score thirty points a game for the rest of his career! The Knicks are never gonna let this guy go! Face of the franchise. I will never forget Linsanity. Carved into the tree trunk of history!

Message 19

15:00 - 16:22

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have a call from: Free Country USA Penitentiary.

COACH Z: Marzipan! We've had a huge break in the case! It turns out there's a piece of evidence that can completely exonerate me, but I need youse to get it for me, and all ya gotta do is go to my locker room and get it. I can't believe it! I'm gonna be a free man! Okay, so as soon as you're done listening to this message, go straight to my locker room. Go to the far locker on the left. Open it up, and you're gonna see... Well, Marzipan, I apologize in advance. You're gonna see a pile of jocks. But I know you can do it. Just, just coat your hand in a spray of Right-Guard beforehand and you'll be fine. And once you get to the bottom of that pile, you'll see a folder labeled "Exoneratin' Evidence". I know, who'da thought, right? I had it sitting there all along. Anyways I can't tell you how happy I am, that you're gonna free me from prisons. {he begins to cry} It's been real hard Marzipan, but you, you're listenin' to this message in a timely fashion, I know you are, you always have, and you're gonna go do this for me right after listenin' to this and not wait five or six years, I just know it. I'll see you in the courtroom. {chanting} Free Coach Z! Free Coach Z!

Message 20

16:22 - 16:57

STRONG SAD: Oh, hey Marzipan. It's Strong Sad. Uh, I've just been feeling really depressed, 'cause, because I haven't been acting very depressed. It used to be my thing, but I don't feel like I get to be sad and depressing anymore, like I used to. So I just want to kinda beef up my numbers in the sad and depressing column. So I may be leaving you some messages, you know sort of dark, inner demons, and that kind of thing. Should be fun.

Message 21

16:57 - 17:58

STRONG BAD: {speaks like an automated voice} Greetings, Marzipan. This is an automated call from Grody Lab Results, Incorporated. Your test results are: negative.

STRONG SAD: {shouting in the background} Negative is good when you're talking about lab results!

STRONG BAD: {speaking normally} Wait, what? Oh, {automated voice} your test results are: positive. {normally} Are you sure? It sounds like I'm giving her good news.

STRONG SAD: I don't want to be party to this!

STRONG BAD: {speaking normally} They should be less confusing. {automated voice} Your test results are: terrible. And you're dying, or possibly already dead by the time you get this. If you want us to perform experimental surgery on you and, like, sew a llama head onto your existing head, please call back during regular putting-llama-heads-on-people hours and we will schedule an appointment. This prank call has not been my finest execution. Thank you and have a nice day.

Message 22

17:58 - 18:05

STRONG SAD: {dejected voice} It's taking way too long for the sun to swallow up the earth.

Message 23

18:05 - 18:13

STRONG SAD: {dejected voice} At the end of the day today, think about how all you did today was look at your phone.

Message 24

18:13 - 18:23

STRONG SAD: {dejected voice} I'm sad that I'm trying. {normal voice} Take that, not-depressing Strong Sad! Now I feel great! I feel real happy! ...Oh.

Message 25

18:23 - 19:20

THE KING OF TOWN: Uh, hey, Marzipan. I-I don't really know how else to ask this, but um... Am I your dad?! I was lookin' on the internet for "marzipan glazed ham", and uh... I got some weird results that seemed to think that at— at least at one time, you were my daughter? It's kind of freakin' me out over here. Um... I wish I could take, like, a— a DNA test, but I've had my DNA surgically replaced with MSG! Um, if you could shed any light on this, um... I mean, I get— I think I'm— I think I'm dying... Also, I probably should have led with that... Uh, so, I kind of need to know if you're my daughter, and if I should leave everything to you. Otherwise I'm probably leaving it to '80s rocker Ron Sexsmith. Remember him? From the Monkees?

Message 26

19:20 - 20:26

MITCH: Hey, Marzipan, it's Mitch from sloshy. Uh, I wanted to send you the tracks for that split 7-inch we're doin' with Cool Tapes, except, uh, sloshy broke up again, and I also pawned all of our instruments. So... I'm just going to do the tracks over the phone. One, two, three, four... {a capella accompaniment starts in the background} {singing} Phonin' this one in, phonin' this one in, usin' the phone as an instrument. You know what I meant. And is this a gimmick? Or a cop-out? And is there a difference? {accompaniment continues for a few more seconds, then the song ends} And that's it. Let me know when you've got it mixed and mastered. And uh... give me a shout next time you're in Austin. Or Portland. Or... Brooklyn. Or... Silver Lake. We'll get breakfast.

Message 27

20:26 - 20:59

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh man, Marzipan. Can you hear that? That is the majestic hush of a paradigm shift. That's right. Me and Pom Pom are waiting in line for our Google Glass! I can't wait to be like, lookin' through this thing! And like, seein' other things! I honestly can't remember how I lived my life yesterday, without Google Glass. These things are gonna change the way they build cities! I'm talkin' Bezos segway style. Alright, I gotta go. It's almost me and Pom Pom's turn! Blinking photographs into the profile pics of history!

Message 28

20:59 - 22:10

STRONG BAD: {speaks in a Southern voice} Hey, Marzipan. This is... the new girl character in town. Sharpdene. That's my name, Sharpdene. You'd better watch your back! You're not the only girl around no more! Now that Sharpdene's gonna stake her claim! I'm a real good character. You look like a broomstick? Well, guess what. I look like... a coat rack. Skinny Tall. That... that was my grandmummer's name. Grandmummer Skinny Tall. She is DEAD! Hey, guess what, Marzipan, since I'm Sharpdene. We gon' fight. We gon' fight one another. Out by The Stick. Do you have a boyfriend, I'ma steal your boyfriend. My daddy owns a movin' company. So if you don't want me to pound you into salt... patch, then you'd better bake me some'n gooood, Marzipan. That's right, some kind of pie-brownies-cakey¹... Now you leave that for me... where— where I'm stayin' at. Which is Strong Bad's kitchen table. Okay! Sharpdene is on the prowl! This is goin' somewhere!

Message 29

22:10 - 22:19

KEVIN: Hey, Marzipan. This is Kevin, um... Could you please give me a call? I just really need to get that, uh, Trivial Pursuit back, thanks.

Message 30

22:19 - 23:10

CLARK: Hey, Marzipan, it's Clark from sloshy. Uh, look, Mitch called me and convinced me to do a backing vocal track on your answering machine, so... here it goes. Gonna be a lot of dead air. {slightly distant and echoey-sounding} One, two, three, four. {long pause} I think he's phoning this one in. {long pause} I know what he meant. {long pause} Is this a gimmick? {pause} Is this a cop-out? {pause} I'm pretty sure there's not a difference. {long pause} {vocal effects gone} Alright, thanks. Oh, and uh, somehow I ended up with your copy of '80s Trivial Pursuit? Let me know if you need that back.

Message 31

23:10 - 23:44

PUPPET HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hey, Marzipan! This is Puppet Homestar! That's right! Comin' atcha! Puppet style! I've got eight percent more sass than regular Homestar! When I talk, I kinda go like this, I kinda thrust my head out with each word. Listen to my mouth-flaps! {makes several felt-flapping sounds} Oh yeah. You tell 'em. You tell 'em, Felt-mouth. And I would like to leave you with a little "spin my {exaggerates his speech impediment} buzzer". {The sound of Homestar's "buzzer" being spun is heard.} Puppet Homestar is gone!

Message 32

23:44 - 24:10

LITIGATION JACKSON: Good afternoon, Marzipan! This is Litigation Jackson! I'm the prosecuting attorney in the case against Coach Z! We understand you've been harassed {pronounced to rhyme with embarrassed}, harassed {pronounced with emphasis on the second syllable}, and harangued by Coach Z over the years! We'd like to know if you'd be willing to take the stand! You could be a very valuable witness in this case! Please give me a call back, post-haste! That's not a legal term, but it sounds official! And so say all of us, "The system really works, jerks!"

Message 33

24:10 - 24:51

LARRY PALARONCINI: Hey, Marzipan! This is Larry Palaroncini! I'm from the band Limozeen! What's the big idea doin' a split 7-inch with that short-haircut, glasses-havin', I-don't-even-know-what-you-call-the-opposite-of-leather-pants-wearin' band sloshy? I thought we were gonna collaborate! You're supposed to be an instrumental part of our big comeback! We're comin' up on the thirteenth anniversary of our hit song, Nite Mamas! And I've got a great idea for a sequel! {music starts in the background} {singing to the same tune as "Let's Fhqwhgads Again"} Let's Nite Mamas again, let's Nite Mamas agai— {Larry is cut off by the end of the message}

Message 34

24:51 - 26:00

STRONG BAD: {speaks in a fake Italian accent} Oh, yes, Marzipan. This is your foreign boyfriend, Rongardo Shavemybody. It's so nice to hear your voice again on machine of answers. I miss all the time we spent in foreign lands together, havin' exotic foods. I'm visiting your country now, and want you to come and meet with me. I hear there's a lovely little café in a place called Strong Badia. Would you go, please, and wait for me there? As is the custom of my people, I will be very late, and you should wait for a really long time. You will think that it is too long to be waiting, but I assure you is the custom of my payple, and you don't want to be offending my payple, do you? Alright. I kiss you on both sides of your cheek and underneath your chin. As is the custom of... a-my PAYple. And now I bid you farewell in the most prime language of my country. Braunschweiger!

Message 35

26:00 - 26:39

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hey Marzipan. It's Homestar. I was just callin' to ask you— {the line is repeated many times forwards, backwards, and at different frequencies, until finally slowing down} {in a voice similar to his voice in very early toons} Oh, hey Marzipan. It's Homestar. Uh, me and Pom Pom were just here, you know, hangin' out, somewhere in the years 1999 to 2001, and... Pom Pom's great. He's my best friend, and... you're my girlfriend, and... maybe we can all be friends, uh, this weekend, uh, that's like rap music, huh? Um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna sound this way forever. Okay, bye!

Message 36

26:39 - 27:21

BUBS: Hey, Marzipan. You know how you're always buggin' me to start carryin' organic stuff at the concession stand? Well, I finally listened to you. If, by "organic", you meant "of or pertaining to the illegal selling and trade of human organs". I got ice packs, little Igloo coolers, scalpels, discounts on hotel rooms, bathtubs fulla ice, chloroform, and fifteen pass Econoline vans pre-lined with plastic sheeting! So come on down to Bubs' Organic Concession Stand! Where we're keepin' that one urban legend alive! You know the one I'm talkin' about?

Message 37

27:21 - 28:09

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hey, Marzipan's sister. This is Homestar. I was just callin' with a status update, to let you know that Marzipan still has no idea {in a suggestive tone} what you and I've been up to. I say that in this kind of way. That some might think is suggestive. {normal voice} Anyways, you got nothin' to worry about. I am extra careful! I mean, could you imagine what would happen if I accidentally mixed you guys up, {laughing} and like, called the wrong sister? Oh man. The crap storm that would unleash. Ha-ha! I'm laughing so effortlessly! Because it's so unlikely! {sigh of laughter} So, to recap, Marzipan has a sister, {suggestive voice} suggestive styles, {normal voice} and, she's got no idea what's going on between us. Okay, bye.

Message 38

28:09 - 28:49

STRONG SAD: Hey, Marzipan, it's Strong Sad. I was just callin' to letcha know I, I just got the approved permits from Bubs, so Wilted Salad Festival 2014 is on! {speaks in a progressively more excited and rapid voice} We've got arugula, we've got kale, we've got baby spring mix, we got napa cabbage, we got endive, we got chard, we got Swiss chard, we got so many different types of wilted salad it's makin' me talk like some sort of turn-of-the-century state fair kinda guy! {more normal voice} Phew! Got a little carried away. Anyways, definitely come on out. It's gonna be rad-icchio! Oh, man. I gotta go put that on the poster!

Message 39

28:49 - 29:43

TUCKER DONALDSON: {in an angry voice} Look here, this— this message is for Marzipan, you know, 'cause— 'cause that's a real name. This is Tucker Donaldson from campussafety.gov; if you remember, we hired you, and, and, and, and your band Cool Tapes— huh! That's real clever— to play here in our student union, where you managed to incite a riot. Yeah, real three-alarm kind of thing. I— I— I'm not even sure it was music that you performed. No thanks, right? No thanks to that. I went out on a limb for you, you and your Cool Tapes, they just snapped my branch. Your— your— your tapes are not cool, in fact, how about that? That's the truth right there. I suggest you all get with the program, and by "program", I mean the guidelines set forth on campussafety.gov, herethere and foreto. So, please, at your immediate convenience, call me at Tucker Tuckerson at donaldsafety.gov, so we can deal with this matter. How's that, huh? How— how— h— h— how— how's that for hot tape?

Message 40

29:43 - 30:19

HUMIDIBOT: Hey, Marzipan, it's me! Humidibot! I just wanted to call you up, and let you know that I'm still Humidibot! Oh! And look here! It's my girlfriend, Humidibeth! She sounds just like me!

HUMIDIBETH: I'm Humidibeth! I sound just like Humidibot!

HUMIDIBOT: Oh man, Marzipan. Don't forget to remember that I'm Humidibot! If you e— if you have a free moment, I'm gonna go try and, expand my personality! Beyond just telling people that I'm Humidibot! Okay, bye!

Messages 41+

30:19 - 30:56

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey Marzipan, it's Homestar.

{beep}

STRONG MAD: HELLO MARZIPAN!

{beep}

BUBS: Hey Marzipan, it's Bubs!

{beep}

F-SACK: Marzipan, this is F-Sack.

{beep}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{beep}

STRONG SAD: Hey, Marzipan...

{beep}

COACH Z: Hey, Marziprawn!

{beep}

STRONG BAD: Hey, Marzipan,

{beep}

THE KING OF TOWN: Hey, sweetie,

{beep}

HOMSAR: Aaah—

{beep}

SENOR CARDGAGE: Conjunctivitis...

THE ANNOUNCER: Marzipan!

MARSHIE: Marzipan...

JIBBLIES PAINTING: Marzipan—

BALDING MAN: {drawn-out sigh}

{As the voices get more and more rapid, the answering machine starts to pulse and buzz.}

STINKOMAN: MARZI—

PAN-PAN: {"badalang" sound}

1-UP: —pan...

PEACEY P: Marzipan...

BLUE LASER COMMANDER: Marzi—

CRACK STUNTMAN: BLAAAAAH!

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Marzipan...

OLD-TIMEY STRONG BAD: Marzi—

SICKLY SAM: {sound effect indicating he disappeared}

TEEN GIRL SQUAD MEMBER: Marzi—

ONE OF THE 4 GREGS: —pan...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {in his original voice} Marzi—

BUBS: —pan!

{The answering machine explodes, dropping down a broken tape labeled "farm aid '87".}

Closing

30:56 - 31:09

{Cut to the living room of the Brothers Strong. Strong Bad is lying on the floor. Strong Bad, his contraption, and the walls are all covered in spray-on cheese.}

STRONG BAD: {groaning} Urgh— how— possible— Demon's— Crest— gar-garble—

{Marzipan enters the room.}

MARZIPAN: Took a few years to set up, but I finally pulled it off. April Fools', Strong Bad!

{A black box with the words "That was long! Happy Fools' Day!" is slapped onto the screen.}

Footnote

This word may also be "cookie".

Fun Facts

Explanations

Jodhpurs are padded trousers designed for horse-riding.
Charcuterie is a type of preserved meat, and is often served on a wooden board, much like a cheese platter.
Braunschweiger is a type of German sausage.
As pointed out by Strong Sad, it would take approximately 5 billion years for the Sun (which is currently middle-aged) to expand into a red giant and swallow the Earth. However, in real life, it is highly likely that the Earth will already be uninhabitable long before this even happens because of the ever-increasing heat from the Sun as a result of this long process.

Trivia

Oh hewwo!

This is the first toon uploaded to homestarrunner.com to not be displayed in Flash, and instead, in an embedded YouTube player.
The YouTube description for this toon is "Everybody, everybody calls to leave Marzipan a message!"
At 31:09, this is not only the longest toon on the site, but at the time of publishing, it was nearly four times as long as the next-longest, I Killed Pom Pom, and twice as long as the review/instructional video Six-Sadded, Die.
This is the second known time that The Poopsmith has broken his vow of silence, and the first time he has had spoken dialogue. John Linnell of They Might Be Giants reprised his role as the voice of The Poopsmith from email thunder.
The previous Answering Machine was released more than 7 years earlier on March 2, 2009, explaining the answering machine's poor condition. This closes what was then the biggest gap ever in between a type of toon with a duration of 2,587 days; it has since been surpassed by the seven-and-a-half-year gap between the big toons Cheat Commandos: Two Part Episode: Part 2 and Homestar Runner Goes for the Gold.
This is the first Marzipan's Answering Machine to show a location other than Marzipan's house outside of an Easter egg.
This toon surpassed Teen Girl Squad Issue 10 as the toon with the most characters in it to date at thirty-seven. However, Teen Girl Squad Issue 10 remains the toon with the largest number of characters that appear on-screen.
This is the only Answering Machine to not be on the Marzipan's Answering Machine menu and is only accessible through the "Holiday Toons" menu, the "New Stuff" menu or, at the time of its release, the "What's New?" button on the Main Pages.
This Marzipan's Answering Machine has 68 messages and 35 callers in total.
One pattern on the answering machine's display includes a digital depiction of Homestar's head.
To dial Marzipan's phone number, The Cheat enters eight digits. A telephone number of this length cannot be used in North America, although it is valid in some other regions of the world.
- The Cheat's arm does not land perfectly on a button each time, making the actual telephone number ambiguous. However, he does appear to dial the star key ("*"), which is not typically used in phone numbers.
This toon marks the first time that Homsar has acknowledged his own bizarre speaking habits.
This is the first time the word "marzipan" has been used to reference the almond-based confectionery that is Marzipan's namesake. However, it was previously implied in senior prom.
This is the first time the Visor Robot has been referred to as such on the website. The name "Visor Robot" was originally coined by the wiki when the robot had no official name. The Brothers Chaps then started using the name for this reason, as stated in the DVD commentary for Homestarloween Party.

Remarks

The name of the toon on the TV Time Toons Menu and YouTube list the version number as 17 as opposed to 17.2.
The answering machine in this toon is the PhoneTime XL8 instead of the PhoneTime XL800, which was used in the previous answering machine toon. Oddly, the XL8 has a "record" button in this toon.
Homsar still spoke in a non-sequitur fashion on his answering machine message in Homestar Ruiner.
- Additionally, in 2 emails, Strong Sad claims that "Homsar called and said he was a million ladies tall", implying he spoke in non-sequiturs.
Coach Z tells Marzipan to "coat your hand in Right Guard", even though Marzipan has no visible arms or hands.
When Coach Z (or anyone else) called Marzipan's number during the time period when these messages were recorded, he would have been greeted with the same outgoing message, namely, that she'll be out and about for about seven years, so neither he nor anyone else would have any reason to expect a prompt reply.
The Visor Robot speaks with a voice very similar to the one it had in Everybody to the Limit (which was Powered by The Cheat), as opposed to the one it had in Senor Mortgage (which was in the main universe).
Larry Palaroncini claims that Marzipan would be instrumental to their comeback, despite the fact that according to Baddest of the Bands, Marzipan hates Limozeen, and after singing an anti-Limozeen performance, is well-known for it.

Goofs

When Strong Bad rubs his chin while talking about fiber optics, his arm is missing, causing his glove to be disconnected from his body.

Inside References

Lite Em Up Dan lighter fluid is seen in the living room.
It appears that Strong Bad is unable to dial the phone with boxing gloves on.
Homestar's spoken "text message" is a reference to his message left in Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 13.2: "PLZ GET EGGS,MILK?"
Bubs mentions the catch phrases "seriously" and "holy crap".
Coach Z had been incarcerated in juvenile prison in Play Date; similarly, he is being tried as a minor in this toon.
Craig Zobel reprised his role as the voice of Kevin, who initially appeared in Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 6.0.
Strong Bad's smooth-and-smarmy public radio impression is from radio, where Marzipan complained that she didn't receive her tote bag, one of the things Strong Bad mentions.
Coach Z says he drinks Melonade from a toilet.
Strong Bad and Larry Palaroncini are doing anniversaries for Everybody to the Limit and Nite Mamas, respectively.
- Strong Bad says he needs to complete the song so The Cheat can make a video, as Everybody to the Limit was animated.
Strong Bad pretending to be Sharpdene says that Marzipan is not the only girl.
Bubs previously dealt in organ trafficking in Strong Badia the Free.
This toon features two made-up real things:
- Litigation Jackson was a movie character featured in an eponymous film in A Decemberween Pageant and in a sequel, Legal Rampage, in rampage, as well as mentioned in the Peasant's Quest Movie Trailer.
- Humidibot was originally a character invented on the spur of the moment by Strong Bad to mock fans dressing up in highly inaccurate costumes during Fan Costumes 2015.
Homsar speaking "more articulate on the phone" is in reference to Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 5.0, which was created before Homsar's tendency to spout non-sequiturs had been established, and thus had Homsar able to create a coherent monologue while calling Marzipan.
The King of Town mentions being Marzipan's father at one point in time; this was an old idea that was mentioned in the Old Characters Page and later scrapped by The Brothers Chaps.
Homestar previously referenced Google Glass in W00tstock 5.0.
"I'm sad that I'm trying" is a reference to "I'm sad that I'm flying".
Puppet Homestar says "Spin my buzzer."
Homestar Runner's lines when he has his older voice are a reference to two messages in the first Marzipan's Answering Machine.
The answering machine's explosion is very similar to the one that appeared in the email personal favorites, particularly the way the tape lands.
- The tape reads "farm aid '87".
Tucker Donaldson previously called in complaints to Mikezipan from the website halloweensafety.gov in Halloween Safety.
The living room is set up much like it is in your edge.
Strong Bad mentions the SNES game Demon's Crest after the answering machine explodes, where in a similar fashion he mutters the names of SNES games in his sleep.
Strong Bad's first prank call alias is "Joanie Allthetime".
Strong Bad's instruction to leave money in a "paper and/or plastic bag" is a reference to his character video.
The Poopsmith mentions bread.
Strong Sad insults his former self as being not-depressing.

Real-World References

Yoplait, Fage, Oikos, and Activia are all brands of yogurt.
Robert Siegel is an American radio journalist and host of NPR's All Things Considered.
Homestar mentions the short-lived Internet fad of planking.
Scarborough Fair is a popular English folk song that was recorded by Simon and Garfunkel, among others. It was previously referenced in do over.
Homestar is excited for the release of the Ouya, a Kickstarted game console that was met with initial positive reception, but flopped due to poor sales.
- He also claims it will out-perform Sony (who make the PlayStation), Nintendo, Coleco, Canseco, and Jaleco.
Jeremy Lin is an NBA player who currently plays for the Brooklyn Nets. "Linsanity" refers to how Lin, an undrafted free agent out of Harvard, made an immediate impact on the New York Knicks when he signed with them for his second season. He has not achieved that level of notoriety since.
As the Poopsmith mentioned, Mike Nesmith was a member of the 1960s band The Monkees, where he played guitar and keyboards. His song "Different Drum", which he wrote in 1965, was a 1967 Top 20 hit for the band Stone Poneys, which featured a young Linda Ronstadt as lead singer.
Ron Sexsmith is a Canadian pop-folk singer.
Mark E. Smith is the vocalist for the British band The Fall.
The Smiths were an influential early 1980s British rock band fronted by Morrissey.
John Grisham is a writer best known for writing legal thrillers; Michael Crichton is the author of the Jurassic Park novels.
Litigation Jackson's line "so say all of us" in message 32 is a quote from Sir Denis Eton-Hogg, a character in the film This Is Spinal Tap.
"Let's Fhqwhgads Again" and "Let's Nite Mamas Again" refer to sequel songs, most specifically Let's Twist Again, Chubby Checker's 1961 sequel to his 1960 hit The Twist.
Homestar's line in message 35 "maybe we can all be friends" and subsequent comment that it's "like rap music" is a reference to the song "Big Poppa" by The Notorious B.I.G.
Farm Aid is a rock 'n' roll concert series organized for the benefit of family farmers in the United States. It has been held annually since 1985.
Austin, Portland, Brooklyn, and Silver Lake are all communities known for their indie music and hipster scenes.
Igloo Products Corporation is a manufacturer of coolers and ice chests for various uses.
Jeff Bezos is an American entrepreneur, investor and philanthropist who is best known as the founder and CEO of Amazon.com.
Homestar's line in message 27 "These things are gonna change the way they build cities" and the reference to the Segway refers to the anticipatory hype that preceded the unveiling of the Segway. Before it was announced, it was referred to as "It" and it was thought to be some device that would revolutionize transportation and travel.

Fast Forward

Strong Bad would revisit the character of Sharpdene in Later That Night....
- In a @StrongBadActual tweet (18 Nov 2016), Strong Bad clarified the spelling of Sharpdene's name with draft notes of this toon when a fan asked about it after reading the Homestar Runner Wiki's transcript for Later That Night....
Strong Bad's Italian accent returns in Meeple Grove.
The two audio tracks of sloshy's song were eventually combined as "Phoning This One In" on the Degradest Hits album.

External Links

Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 17.2

From Homestar Runner Wiki

Contents

Transcript

Opening

Marzipan's Greeting

Message 1

Message 2

Message 3

Message 4

Message 5

Message 6

Message 7

Message 8

Message 9

Message 10

Message 11

Message 12

Message 13

Message 14

Message 15

Message 16

Message 17

Message 18

Message 19

Message 20

Message 21

Message 22

Message 23

Message 24

Message 25

Message 26

Message 27

Message 28

Message 29

Message 30

Message 31

Message 32

Message 33

Message 34

Message 35

Message 36

Message 37

Message 38

Message 39

Message 40

Messages 41+

Closing

Footnote

Fun Facts

Explanations

Trivia

Remarks

Goofs

Inside References

Real-World References

Fast Forward

External Links

Views

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