Homestar Ruiner Responses

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"Does despair have one G, or two?"

Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People has many responses when you talk to various characters and interact with various objects. These are the responses from Homestar Ruiner.

On these pages, A → B (right arrow) means that the response happens when object A is used on thing B, or in the case of talking to other characters, the indicated sequence of chat topic icons are chosen.

A short horizontal line between two or more responses, such as the one above, means only one of the responses is heard at a time, and that the action results in a different response each time it occurs.


[edit] Locations

[edit] Item and Error Messages

[edit] General Messages


STRONG BAD: That won't do anything interesting.

STRONG BAD: Uhh, no.



[edit] Strong Bad interrupting

STRONG BAD: Quiet you.

STRONG BAD: My turn.

STRONG BAD: No one cares.

STRONG BAD: Shut up.

STRONG BAD: Not interested.

STRONG BAD: Yeah yeah, whatever.

[edit] Balloons → Strong Bad

STRONG BAD: {Strong Bad floats a couple feet off the ground} Wow! I can see your house from here!

STRONG BAD: {Strong Bad floats a couple feet off the ground} {half-heartedly} Wee.

[edit] Candy → Strong Bad

STRONG BAD: I can think of about a hundred things I'd rather eat than chocolate-covered organic packing peanuts...

STRONG BAD: Even if I really wanted to eat this box of chocolate-covered organic packing peanuts — blech — I bet I can find a better use for them... like, maybe poisoning rats or something.

[edit] Cell Phone

[edit] Cell Phone → Marzipan

STRONG BAD: Let's see... speed dial number one! {speed dialing}
MARZIPAN: Homestar?
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Hewwo, Marzipan.
MARZIPAN: Are you all right? You sound funny.
STRONG BAD: I wook funny! I'm just, um, out of bweaf from all the twaining. For the wace. That I've been doing.
MARZIPAN: Oookay. So, when are you going to run this race, anyway? I need to know when to take the curd wrinkles out of the oven.
STRONG BAD: {in his own voice} More like crud wrinkles.
MARZIPAN: What was that?
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Nothing, lambface. I was just saying that the wace is about to start wight now!
MARZIPAN: Oh dear! I better hurry on over!
STRONG BAD: Hooway!!
MARZIPAN: I'll see you soon! Don't start without me!
STRONG BAD: Buh-bye! I'm Homestar!

{speed dialing}
MARZIPAN: What is it now, Homestar?
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} I think they're weally weady to start the wace this time.
MARZIPAN: Are you sure?
STRONG BAD: Positive.
MARZIPAN: Fine, I'll be right over.

{speed dialing}
MARZIPAN: Homestar, I'm not sure if—
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} It's okay, Marzipan! This time Coach Z himself says it's time to start the race!
STRONG BAD: {imitating Coach Z} Oh yeah, this rorce is abort to stort any mornit, you betcha!
MARZIPAN: All right, I'm on my way.

{speed dialing}
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Marzipan?
MARZIPAN: I'm on my way.
After destroying Marzipan's Homestar Float
STRONG BAD: Speed dialin'...MarziPAN... {speed dialing}
MARZIPAN: This is Marzipan. I can't come to the phone right now, because my boyfriend (more like my ex-boyfriend) is a louse. Please leave a message after the beep. Unless you're Homestar, in which case you should jump into a polluted lake. {beep}
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Oh, pwease, pwease take me back Marzipan! {pffts} I pwomise not to set fire to any more of your wedicuwous decowations! {pffts and hangs up}
STRONG BAD: Okay, that may have been a little cruel. Which is why I did it.

STRONG BAD: Hmmm, maybe I can reach out and touch Marzipan...ew.
MARZIPAN: This is Marzipan. I can't come to the phone right now, because my boyfriend (more like my ex-boyfriend) is a louse. Please leave a message after the beep. Unless you're Homestar, in which case you should jump into a polluted lake. {beep}
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Oh, pwease, pwease take me back Marzipan! I pwomise not to be so much less awesome than Stwong Bad from now on! {hangs up}
STRONG BAD: Hmm... somehow, I don't think that's gonna work.
After Marzipan gets "Homestar's" chocolate apology
STRONG BAD: Dialin' numbers... {speed dialing}
MARZIPAN: Oh hi, this is Marzipan. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm preparing a big party for my big boyfriend. Please leave a big message after the tiny beep.
STRONG BAD: {hangs up} I'd leave a message, but I'd probably just say something that would cheese her off again, and the next thing you know I'd be digging holes, setting traps, and committing attempted regicide again.

[edit] Cell Phone → Pom Pom

Before Pom Pom gets disqualified
STRONG BAD: Pom-pa Pom Pom Pa-Pom Pom {speed dialing}
POM POM: Bubble-de-bubble bubble. {beep}
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Hewoo there, bawoon man, this is Homestar Wunner! Pwease don't beat me too badwy in the Wace to the End of the Wace today, okay? {hangs up}
After Pom Pom gets disqualified
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} I'm sowwy you got disqualified, and I beat you in the wace. I guess I get all youw giwlfriends now. Er... Send them to Stwong Bad's. Bye!

[edit] Cell Phone → Strong Bad

{speed dialing}
STRONG BAD (on other end of phone): {Seductively} Hello attractive women, you've reached Strong Bad. {Strong Bad looks at the camera nodding} {Normal voice} If you're not an attractive woman, please hang up the phone. {Seductively} If you are an attractive woman, please purchase a hot tub and some pork rinds, and invite me over. See you in your dreams...
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Hi Stwong Bad, this is Homestar. I'm an attwactive woman, and I've bought a hot tub. Come on over... {hangs up}
STRONG BAD: {pause} That was more than a little weird.

[edit] Cell Phone → Bubs

STRONG BAD: Dial B for Bubs! {speed dialing}
BUBS: {distorted} Hi, anypeople! Welcome to Bubs' Concession TeleStand! For Calendars, press 1! For Tire Irons, press 8, For Support Hose, press star—
STRONG BAD: {hangs up} You can't prank a phone tree. Besides, the last time I navigated Bubs' TeleStand, I wound up with a crate full of rhino horns... and not even the endangered kind!

[edit] Cell Phone → Coach Z

STRONG BAD: {speed dialing} This could be good.
COACH Z: Hey there, you've reached a cordless cell phone, and definitely not a public payphone, of Coach Z! Leave me a message after the phat beeps!
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Hewwo there Coach. This is Homestar Wunner. I just think you should know that it was me, Homestar, who's been putting itching powders in your jock strap for the past three years. {hangs up}
STRONG BAD: Well, that should get me off the hook. But the creepy thing is, Coach Z has never actually complained about it.

[edit] Cell Phone → The Cheat

STRONG BAD: The Cheat has a phone... who knew?
THE CHEAT: Mehr, mrm m meh merm. Mer-hm me mrehme-mer. Mrm m merhme, mer mir mrehre me mehr. {beep}
STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Hey, The Cheat. This is totally Homestar. Can you come to my house and gnaw my face off? And steal my boom box and {normal voice} leave it at the drop point? {imitates Homestar} Bye!
STRONG BAD: {in his own voice} Sometimes I like to get creative with my mission assignments for The Cheat.

[edit] Cell Phone → Homsar

STRONG BAD: Hey, where'd this one come from? {speed dialing for a very, very long time}
HOMSAR: AaaAAaaaaAaaa! Step right up! I'm a crudely drawn cupcake! Don't forget your tapesicle!
STRONG BAD: Uhh... {first time only} That was completely meaningless and made my brain throw up.

[edit] Costumes

[edit] Float Head → Strong Bad

STRONG BAD: {imitating Homestar} Oh hewwo, I'm Homestar Runner. Sewiously, you guys, I'm an absolute cheesedork! {in his own voice} Rich Little ain't got nothin' on me... but this'll never fool anyone while I'm still wearing my stylish Strong Bad threads... or should I say, some pants.

[edit] Homestar's Clothes → Strong Bad

STRONG BAD: No one'll ever mistake me for Homestar as long as my chiseled movie star face is sticking out of this smelly shirt.

STRONG BAD: Yikes! These things smell like onions! Wonder how that happened...

[edit] Homestar Costume → Strong Bad

STRONG BAD: {first time only} {imitating Homestar} Oh, hewwo! I'm Homestar Wunner! Toons! Games! Emaaaail! {in his own voice} Shut up, Homestar! Whoa, I even had myself convinced! This is gonna be hilarious!

STRONG BAD: Shape of... a moron!

[edit] Strong Bad's Clothes → Strong Bad

STRONG BAD: {first time only} That's better, being Homestar for too long at a time can cause serious brain damage... I mean, just look at Homestar!

STRONG BAD: Whew, it's good to be back to my freakishly awesome self again.

[edit] Hedge Shears → Strong Bad

STRONG BAD: Shear-ly you jest.

[edit] Hedge Trimmings

STRONG BAD: Ooo, a big pile of hedge trimmings. Can't ever have enough of these.

[edit] Jela-ton™

{First time only}
STRONG BAD: Do you know what would happen if I wolfed down a hundred and forty-four boxes of Fluffy Puff brand powdered Jela-ton? {Pause} Neither do I, let's do it! {Gets out one and eats it} Eugh, ptui! Well, I'm not doing THAT again.

STRONG BAD: No freakin's way. That stuff was like Pixy Stix's ugly Canadian cousin.

[edit] Metal Detector

[edit] Indoors

STRONG BAD: I better not — the last time I tried to use The Detector indoors, it microwaved off Strong Mad's eyebrows! We couldn't tell how mad he was for a week!

[edit] If object already found

STRONG BAD: I think this little patch of ground's already horked up its share of treasure today.

[edit] In use, closer to object

STRONG BAD: Gettin' warmer!



[edit] In use, farther from object


STRONG BAD: Nothin' over here.

STRONG BAD: Not happenin'.

[edit] In use, found object

STRONG BAD: {electric guitar plays} All right! The Detector has detected something with its illegally powerful rays! I'll just leave this treasure marker here, so I'll know where to dig later!

STRONG BAD: {electric guitar plays} Yes! Another triumph for the Taranchula Black Metal Detector! I'll just leave this treasure marker here, so I'll know where to dig later!

[edit] Plunger → Strong Bad

STRONG BAD: Thanks for the concern, but I get enough fiber in my diet.

STRONG BAD:: Gro-day, no.

[edit] Total Load → Strong Bad

{First time only}
STRONG BAD: That's a great idea! With the power of Total Load Total Energy Enhancing powder, I'll transform myself into an athletic juggernaut! Let's just read the warning label... "fits of rage"... fine. "Excessive back hair" ... cool. "Mysterious pants issues"!? What the crap? Why don't people tell me these things before I send away for free samples!

STRONG BAD: Uh-uh, no way. My pants have enough mysterious issues as it is.

[edit] Hints

{Before visiting The Track}

STRONG BAD: I can't WAIT to beat the snot out of Homestar! I should go sell tickets!

STRONG BAD: If I hurry over to Coach Z's Track, I can pummel Homestar and STILL have time to burn melty things!

STRONG BAD: I better hurry over to Coach Z's while I still want to pummel Homestar...which is all the time.

{At The Track, before talking to Homestar}

STRONG BAD: Oh yeah, it's time for some mano y lame-o action.

STRONG BAD: It's time for Homestar to meet his maker... his haymaker.

{After discussing the race with Homestar}

STRONG BAD: I can't wait to beat Homestar at his own game, er, race.

{After discussing the party with Homestar}

STRONG BAD: Did someone say something about a party?

STRONG BAD: I could swear Homestar said something about a party...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Parties are for winners... Who's a winner? I'm a winner! Party man!

{On The Track, after Homestar has left}

STRONG BAD: Where'd Homestar go?

{Before discussing the race with Coach Z}

STRONG BAD: Hmmm, I wonder if there's a sign-up sheet or somethin' for Homestar's loser race...

{At the track, before picking up Homestar's cell phone}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{In Marzipan's backyard, while she's at home}

MARZIPAN: Keep your hands off my Homestar veggie float, Strong Bad!

{In Marzipan's backyard, while she's not at home}

{The head on the Homestar float nods silently}

{Before picking up an onion, while Marzipan is at home}

MARZIPAN: {singing} Happy onion tears of joy... 'bout a woman and a boy.

MARZIPAN: I hope my invited guests like my onions. I've timed it so that they're ripening just in time for the party.

{Before picking up an onion, while Marzipan is not at home}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{Before acquiring the Hedge Shears}

STRONG BAD: A guy could do a lot of damage with hedge clippers. Or a gal. But mostly a guy. A guy like me, for example.

STRONG BAD: Where did Marzipan say those shears were? Satan's Hollow?

{At the track, before obtaining the suit}

STRONG BAD: I wonder if getting into Homestar's roomy head would increase my chances in the race.

{At Marzipan's, before obtaining the Homestar Head}

STRONG BAD: That ugly Homestar float is taunting me with its floatiness... and its... floatitude.

{Before obtaining the Homestar head}

STRONG BAD: This day needs some more wanton destruction. Tomorrow, too.

{At Marzipan's house, before she's been lured away}

STRONG BAD: Stupid omniscient Marzipan...

STRONG BAD: I'll never be able to engage in any of my world-renown Strong Bad antic-ry while Marzipan's around.

{Before offering the onions to Homestar}

STRONG BAD: For a guy who spends so much time exercising, Homestar really doesn't smell so bad. Maybe it's the lack of armpits.

{Before obtaining the entire Homestar Runner outfit}

STRONG BAD: I will pummel Homestar in all his forms!

{At the House of Strong, before obtaining the Homestar outfit}

STRONG BAD: How can I win the race if I can't enter it?

STRONG BAD: There's got to be a way for me to get in Homestar's race... but how? Where? Why? And most importantly, how... I mean who?

STRONG BAD: If there's only two guys allowed in the race, maybe I'll have to BE one of those guys!

STRONG BAD: My head's too big to pretend to be Pom Pom...

{After obtaining the entire Homestar Outfit}

STRONG BAD: Race time, baby!

STRONG BAD: Hmm, I've got the makings of a barely convincing Homestar costume now.

STRONG BAD: I wonder if Coach Z would be fooled by my mutant Homestar costume?

{While Homestar sits on the basement couch}

STRONG BAD: Where'd that local news story say they were keeping Homestar's criminal record?

STRONG BAD: I'll never get Homestar away from my TV while he's a fugitive flasher...

{At the Hall of Records}

STRONG BAD: Strong Mad'll never let me get that record while he's in the room.

STRONG BAD: Unless action movies have been lying to me, I've got to find a way up to that vent...

STRONG BAD: There's got to be a way for me to plunge into that vent...

STRONG BAD: I think stealth is required here. And maybe a little guile. But mostly stealth.

{While Homestar is in the kitchen}

STRONG BAD: If I ever want to make a hoagie in peace again, I'll have to get Homestar out of my kitchen and back into the arms (such as they are) of Marzipan.

STRONG BAD: What do women (and by women, I mean Marzipan) want, anyway?

{While Marzipan is at home, angry}

MARZIPAN: Stupid Homestar! Stupid sugar drop!

MARZIPAN: I'm so angry I could eat dairy!

{At Marzipan's house, before digging the hole}

THE CHEAT: {pointing to the loose soil by the mailbox} {The Cheat noises}

{Before ordering the Total Load}

STRONG BAD: I wonder what the Lappy's up to?

STRONG BAD: All this adventuring is exhausting... I really should read some of my email.

{Before replaying the race}

STRONG BAD: I wonder if the Race to the End of the Race (da da da da) does do-overs.

COACH Z {over the loudspeaker} The Silver Trophy of Ultimate Destiny will be awarded in a few hours.

COACH Z: {over the loudspeaker} Attention: Has anyone seen the official Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race video tape?

{Before rigging the race}

STRONG BAD: That race is too freakin' hard!

STRONG BAD: Now that Coach Z is gone, maybe I can take a closer look at that ridiculously hard race...

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises, singing the Fluffy Puff Jela-Ton jingle}

{Before disqualifying Pom Pom}

STRONG BAD: I'll never beat Pom Pom!

STRONG BAD: It's a good thing they haven't given Pom Pom that trophy yet...

STRONG BAD: Someone oughta slip Pom Pom some 'Suck-At-This-Race' Juice.

{After completing all the fix-Homestar's-life missions}

STRONG BAD: I'd be bored to tears with this place if I was the kind of guy who cried... when he dropped his ice cream cone yesterday... which I'm not.

{During the party}

STRONG BAD: I've got to get these losers out of my house!

COACH Z: When do I get my schwerv on?

MARZIPAN: I can't believe you forgot my Tibentan Tone-Chant Party Mix!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Sorry, cakepud.

{Before picking up the banana peel}

COACH Z: That there banana peel is a menace!

{While the Conga Line is dancing}

BUBS: You should let me sell you some Shatless Safety Glass for that window, Strong Bad!

[edit] Main Menu

[edit] New Game

STRONG BAD: New game! {does a little dance}

HOMESTAR: New game! {does a little dance}

STRONG BAD: Newgame! {laughs}

[edit] Save/Load

STRONG BAD: {rubs hands together} Saveload!

HOMESTAR: Saving and loading!

STRONG BAD: {leans back} Savélowad.

[edit] Settings

STRONG BAD: {scratches chin and looks up} Settings?

HOMESTAR: Settings!

HOMESTAR: {looks around} Wait, is it my turn? {Strong Bad buries his face in his hands}

[edit] Quit It

STRONG BAD: {low voice} Quit it.
HOMESTAR: No, you quit it Strong Bad.
STRONG BAD: {shaking head} Moron.

HOMESTAR: Quitters never win!

STRONG BAD: {pointing at camera} Quit it!

[edit] Preview

STRONG BAD: Next time on S-B-C-G-4-A-P.

STRONG BAD: {suggestively} Scenes from the next episode!

HOMESTAR: {whisperingly} Sneak a peek from the next episode!

[edit] Map

[edit] The Track

STRONG BAD: Let's see... now where should I put the Track on my map?

[edit] Bubs' Concession Stand

STRONG BAD: Okay, let's see... Oh man... my map is looking a bit... undernourished. I need to throw Bubs' Concession Stand up here somewheres...

[edit] Marzipan's House

STRONG BAD: I've got half a mind to go over to Marzipan's and give her a piece of the rest of my mind about not inviting me to her sucko party! But where should I put her house on my map?

[edit] The King of Town's Castle

STRONG BAD: As much as it makes me throw up a little just to think about it, it looks like I'm going to have to go to the King of Town's castle if I ever want to get Homestar out of my house. I think I'll put it somewhere far, far away from me...

[edit] Trophies

Each reaction happens in order, regardless of which order the trophies are earned in
{each time music plays and a trophy is displayed}
STRONG BAD: Whoa! What the crap was that?

STRONG BAD: Hey, another trophy from Heaven! Someone up there must really like me!

STRONG BAD: I'd like to thank the Academy of Tired Jokes for this awesome trophy!

STRONG BAD: Four! Four outrageous trophies! Ah-ha-ha-haaaa!

[edit] Snake Boxer 5 Manual Pages

[edit] Cover

STRONG BAD: {music} It's the cover to my long-lost Snake Boxer 5 manual! If I can find the rest of this thing, I'll have the cheat code that unlocks Snake Boxer 5's super secret forbidden mode!

[edit] First Page

STRONG BAD: {music} It's the first page of my long-lost Snake Boxer 5 manual, detailing, in five sentences, the complex back-story of Snake Boxers 1 through 4!

[edit] Pages 2 through 49

STRONG BAD: {music} It's pages 2 through 49 of my long-lost Snake Boxer 5 manual! Who knew it took so many guys to build one of these things? How do you "key grip" a Snake Boxer game?

[edit] Last Page

STRONG BAD: Sweet. Holy. Trogdor. {music} It's the last page of my long-lost Snake Boxer 5 manual, which contains — easy Strong Bad — the secret code to unlock the secret forbidden level!

[edit] Start Screen

When the game is left on the start screen, periodically, Strong Bad will come on screen.
STRONG BAD: {walks on screen left} Check me out! {walks off right}

STRONG BAD: {falls from the top of the screen} That was more than a little weird. {walks off left}

STRONG BAD: {runs all the way across the screen, very far away from the camera, from left to right}

STRONG BAD: {walks on from the right, very close to the camera} I'm ready for my close up. {walks left and back, very far away from the camera, then walks off to the left'}

STRONG BAD: {drops down from the top of the screen, upside down} I wonder if my frames per second can handle this action! {goes back up}

STRONG BAD: {walks on right, looks at start button} Hey now, what's this? {half singing} Awesome! {walks off right}

STRONG BAD: {walks on from left, looks up at game logo} This is gonna be sweet. {walks off right}

STRONG BAD: {pops up from bottom, very close to camera} Yes, I am awesome. {drops back down}

[edit] Wii Channel

{Strong Bad types in CG4AP101.wad. The text "Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People · Episode 1" is displayed above the Homestar Ruiner logo}
STRONG BAD: No time for the emails right now, I've got other plans for the Lappy today.
{after the word "today", a flashing green "PRESS START" notice appears below the logo}
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